The Child Whisperer (48 page)

Type 4 Boundaries
: A Type 4 child is not trying to test the parents’ boundaries, but simply trying to establish their own. They need space for themselves and authority in their own lives.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Partner with your Type 4 child in being an authority in their own life. If you focus on giving your child this one thing in all aspects of their life, they will feel respected and will respect you in return.

Terrible Twos (and Terrible Teenagers)

The dreaded Terrible Twos frustrate parents and fill them with dread, but the twos don’t need to be terrible at all. At two years old, children have entered the phase of life in which they are sensing, exploring, and doing in the world.

What that looks like for your child may look different than it did for you if you are different Energy Types (or may bring up some similar behaviors and issues if you are the same Type). Let’s look at what the Terrible Twos look like for each Type and how you can prevent them.

Terrible Twos for the Type 1
: A Type 1 who looks like they have the Terrible Twos will become increasingly cranky and demanding. They may throw frequent tantrums with a high-pitched squeal.

Child Whisperer Tip:
The Terrible Twos are a symptom of a Type 1 child feeling too restricted, structured, or boxed in. Free them up and you will see them relax.

Terrible Twos for the Type 2
: Around this age, these children may become weepy, whiny, or moody.

Child Whisperer Tip:
An over-expression of emotion is a sign that a Type 2 child does not feel they are safe or invited to share their feelings on a regular basis. They may act out emotionally in an attempt to be heard and feel connected to you. Pick up earlier on their more subtle cues and you will find that their larger breakdowns diminish.

Terrible Twos for the Type 3
: I bet the first time someone used the phrase “Terrible Twos,” they were talking about a Type 3! I believe the label was created because Type 3 children who are physically oriented to this world are mobile enough when they hit two years old to get their hands on everything—and they have the most natural determination to never give up on going for what they want. These children are not terrible, but the experience of trying to shut down or contain their fiery energy certainly can be! They may become reactive, defiant, or especially loud if they feel they are not being honored or allowed to express their big energy. These children are most likely to receive the “Terrible Twos” label, and it’s just not honoring of them.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Always give them enough physical outlets for their energy. If they are moving forward and being active, they are generally happy. Set up a home environment that allows them to get their hands into things and to explore rather than a home that has many opportunities for them to get into things you don’t want them getting into!

Terrible Twos for the Type 4
: These children want to be independent, often before children of other Types generally do. You may run into conflict with them if you are unwilling to give them authority in their own life or you make them feel like a baby.

Child Whisperer Tip:
The more grown up you treat them, the more grown up they will act. Acknowledge their tendency to look to the adults around them to duplicate proper behavior and point out behaviors they may not have noticed that they can duplicate. Never shame them in front of others unless you want to deal with a tantrum.

Teenagers also receive labels that are not supportive to their true nature and they often rebel. But your child’s teenage experience can be one of immense success. This topic is big enough that it deserves its own section, which you’ll find in the pages that follow.

But first, as you read this section, you probably had ideas of things you might want to try or change at home to help your child become happier and more cooperative. List your ideas and aha’s here:

The Real Reason Children Rebel

I
have already mentioned the idea that childhood and teenage rebellion are not inevitable experiences for your child. I would like to take that idea one step further and discuss the real reasons behind rebellion and what you can do about it as a Child Whisperer.

Teenage Rebellion

Rebellion happens most dramatically in the teenage years—the time of life when children are working to establish their own identity and individuate from their family. Add to that bodily maturation, hormone changes, self-image development, and the increasing awareness of their place in the larger world. It quickly becomes clear that teens have much to navigate at a pivotal time in their lives.

Rather than support these young people who are transitioning from childhood to adulthood, our society often talks about them like they are nuisances, delinquents, or rebels. The idea of teenage rebellion has just become a given in our current cultural environment. Most people accept it as if it were just something that teenagers do, but have we ever asked this question: What are they rebelling against?

Rebellion is a byproduct of not feeling understood. It’s a teen’s attempt to live true to themselves. No matter how many times a child is shushed, ignored, shut down, or put on the spot, their inner nature remains constant and longs to be free to express itself. The teenage years are often the time of life when children have enough autonomy to do something about it. If they don’t trust themselves or don’t feel supported, they may resort to the dysfunction of rebellion. However, if they understand their true nature and feel supported, they can live true to it without rebelling against anything.

Let’s take a moment to look at what teenage rebellion might look like for each Type and what you can do if your experience with your child has already reached a rebellious place.

Type 1 Rebellion
:
Type 1 teenagers will rebel by not taking care of themselves. Patterns of overeating and apathy start to develop in their teen years, as a result of too much structure. Overeating and apathy is a Type 1’s subconscious way of saying, “I’ll do what I want by eating too much and not do what you want by being apathetic.” They may also connect with other teens who are rebellious because they can be accepted for who they are, and be easily influenced by others, due to their adaptable nature.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Lighten up on your Type 1 child! Let them feel more breathing room to be themselves. See them as successful, responsible individuals, rather than labeling them as irresponsible.

Type 2 Rebellion
:
A Type 2 child’s nature is to be subtle, so rebellion can look very passive aggressive with the pattern of procrastination included. They will tell you they are going to do something, but then never do it. They will put things off and complain when they are finally forced to do them. They will act very victimized and mope around in a state of sadness.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Type 2 teenagers rebel against not feeling emotionally heard. They want you to know about their feelings, but may not know how to communicate them in a healthy way, particularly if they were not supported in doing so as a child. Tell your teen you want to hear about their feelings, even those feelings that they worry are too negative. Explain that you will not support them in becoming a victim, but that you will support them in expressing their emotions and helping them feel comfortable in all the changes going on in their lives. Do not ever say that they are
too
emotional, even when they are not in your presence—your judgment will only add to the problem.

Type 3 Rebellion
:
The best phrase to describe what rebellion looks like for a Type 3 child is, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you!” Type 3s naturally have a reactive nature, so when they are not feeling honored in their teen years, they tend to disregard their parents. When challenged by a parent they feel misunderstands and controls them, they will fight back and get very loud and be willing to argue it out. When they feel pushed, they push back. And they are the most likely to outwardly exhibit their anger.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Consider the reason your Type 3 child is fighting you—they are willing to yell and scream, all in an effort to be heard and understood. These strong-willed children need you to believe in them and to give them the trust and support to do their own thing. Remember, these are the hands-on children and they need to see for themselves what results their actions create. Trust that their practical common sense nature will guide them in the right direction for their lives. And express this trust to them personally.

Type 4 Rebellion
:
Type 4 children are all or nothing. They either love and respect you and are very cooperative, or they feel completely misunderstood, have absolutely no respect and take no regard for you as a parent by the time they are teenagers. These children have very strong wills and will start to tune you out at a very early age if they do not think you recognize them for who they are.

Their rebellion can look very black and white as well. They may turn completely inward, just disconnecting from you and tuning you out, all while working within the system of your home life until the minute they can get out. Or, unfortunately, their tendency for rebellion can go to the boldest extreme of any of the 4 Types. They may run away, move out as soon as they can, or break all your rules in an effort to live by their own rules, even if their rules are destructive and get them into trouble.

After a recent news story reported an unfortunate and tragic incident of two teen boys taking guns to school and shooting other classmates, I was curious about which Type of child would go to such extremes in their behavior. I found a USA Today article that listed the dates of teen shootings that had occurred over the years and the names of the teen boys who carried them out. I did a Google search on each boy to see their facial features and determine their Types, only to discover what I suspected. They were all Type 4s. I believe they had lost control of their sense of reason and respect because they felt so disregarded and disrespected in their personal lives, which often involved personal trauma and stress.

These boys are obviously the most extreme cases, and I am not saying this is an inevitable end for a Type 4 child’s teenage rebellion. But these boys’ tragic choices do show how strongly a Type 4 may feel or choose to act when they are so deeply wounded. They may resort to dysfunctionally bold actions in order to be seen, heard, and respected.

Child Whisperer Tip:
At this point in the book, I may sound repetitive. But clear repetition is the nature of a Type 4, so saying this again fits: RESPECTING your Type 4 child’s right to be their own authority and partnering with them in that authority is essential to avoiding a rebellious Type 4 teenager.

What a Rebellious Teen is Trying to Say

A rebellious child is a sign of a child fighting to be seen as who they are. They create an extreme behavior they don’t really even want in order to live true to themselves. When you honor your child and see them for who they are, they no longer feel the need to rebel.

No matter the age of your child—very young, already-rebellious teen, or adult—you can always approach your child with the intent to honor them. Although a child may seem resistant to you, they are resisting your misunderstanding and lack of respect for their inner nature, not you as their parent. They want your love, your approval, and your respect. If you offer it without strings attached, just with the genuine intent to support them in living true to their nature, they will feel your love and naturally respond.

Force vs. Guidance

In your efforts to not force your child, you might make a mistake. You may assume that allowing your child to express their true nature means allowing them to do whatever they want. It does not mean doing whatever they ask for fear of wounding their nature. Hearing your child does not mean just going along with them.

When your children are young, you can say, “I hear you, but the answer is still no.” You can give your child a choice you are okay with. Then they feel like they have a voice and you can still set boundaries. As your child grows, the boundaries will need to widen and you will need to communicate why some boundaries for behavior still exist.

It is your responsibility to set age-appropriate boundaries with your child. You know the choices available to them better than they do. Your parental role should never involve force, but you should be your child’s trusted and effective guide. As you hone your Child Whisperer skills, you will do this more and more effectively with your child. They will be grateful to know that they can look to you for guidance that honors them.

You may have had some thoughts as you read through this section of how you might be forcing or restricting your child in unproductive ways. Write down your thoughts and your inspirations to better guide your child to make choices true to their nature: