The Child Whisperer (49 page)

How Your Family Culture May Be
Wounding Your Child

F
amily is the space where children learn about their place in the world. They learn how to connect, whether or not they are safe, and how they belong to a group. Children who feel judged, punished, or belittled for who they are in their family group often grow up as wounded or repressed adults. My work for decades has focused on helping adults heal their lives, and I have seen family wounds affect adults many years down the road.

When a parent does not understand their child’s nature, they increase the likelihood that they will accidentally wound their child. Each of the 4 Types receives certain wounding messages from their parents and family that often lead to a few dominant dysfunctions. Look honestly at your family situation and see if you are sending one of these negative messages to your child that may contribute to a future struggle in their adult life. You may also recognize messages that wounded you as a child, which can illuminate dysfunctions in your own life so you can clear them.

Type 1 Wounds

The wounding messages Type 1s receive from their family:

• You’re too silly.
  
• You’re too talkative.
  
• You’re too much movement.
  
• You have too many ideas.
  
• There’s too much of you—settle down.
  

Because their movement is naturally more random (especially in structured scenarios), parents may try to impose even more structure on them. When they are not recognized for their true nature, these children try to contain or shut down their energy. Parents can do much to help their child trust their nature and allow it to grow into something valuable.

What happens to the wounded Type 1
: These children can start to doubt their natural gifts, which are spontaneity, ideas, and hope. They feel nervous, like they’ll get in trouble whenever their nature bubbles up. There’s a constant checking of their spontaneity so they won’t irritate others, always checking it and trying to rein it in. They don’t feel safe to just be themselves without being called silly or naughty.

Common adult dysfunction
:
More than any other Type, adult Type 1s struggle with their weight. Why? They’re living in a world where they believe they have to live in structure, and that their natural light movement is not okay. Working out and dieting is just another world of structure, and it’s one that they can control. Food becomes a way to spite the world—it’s their inner child’s way of saying, “Nobody will tell me when or what I can or cannot eat.” So they eat randomly, spontaneously, and snack a lot. They also carry the belief that since it’s not okay to be themselves anyway, why would it be okay to look good? Their upward, light movement naturally creates happiness. And if they don’t get to be light, they don’t feel happy, so they act it out in their bodies. They literally weigh themselves down with extra weight.

Child Whisperer Tip for the Type 1 child:
Enjoy their big, bright energy. Provide them with situations where they feel safe to talk, to sing, to shout, to dance, and to make friends. When you are at home, never allow your child’s other siblings to make fun of them for their animated, childlike approach to life.

Type 2 Wounds

The negative messages Type 2s receive from their family:

• You’re shy.
  
• You’re too slow.
  
• You ask too many questions.
  
• You’re so indecisive.
  
• You’re too sensitive.
  
• You never talk loud enough.
  

Because a Type 2 child’s movement is lower and they tend not to be as vocal as other children, their family members often refer to them as shy. They are not shy—their energy just naturally moves inward. They hesitate before they share because they want to be sure they have all the details and feel comfortable. They wait for an invitation to move forward. When they are singled out for this tendency, they actually tend to hesitate even more.

What happens to the wounded Type 2
: When a Type 2 child is shamed for their nature or emotionally ignored in their family, their questioning tends to turn inward. They question themselves unnecessarily and incessantly. Their questioning nature is meant to be a functional ability that helps them gather details and flow through their lives in a calm, confident manner. But taken to its extreme, it creates a lot of worry. Their mind tries to resolve questions about the past and the future, creating assumptions about what others may have meant in the past or will do in the future. Their inner conversation can start to include other people, assuming motives for others that are not accurate. This can lead to extreme anxiety problems.

Common adult dysfunction
:
As they grow, wounded Type 2 children grow into adults who withhold their voice. They don’t believe they can speak up, or that their naturally subdued tone has a right to be heard. If they think they need to act more aggressively in order to be heard, they can suffer physical side effects. They have more sensitive physiologies, and running all that aggressive energy can take a physical toll on them.

Child Whisperer Tip for the Type 2 child:
When your Type 2 child worries about what someone else thought or meant, encourage them to ask questions before drawing conclusions. Reassure them that they can be recognized in their world and their voice can be heard. In fact, many Type 2s are very successful. Some examples include Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerberg, Mother Theresa, and Einstein. Help your child to love their sensitive nature and recognize it as a gift.

Type 3 Wounds

Negative messages Type 3s may receive from their family:

• You’re exhausting.
  
• You’re too determined.
  
• You move too much.
  
• You’re really aggressive.
  
• You’re way too loud.
  

• You’re so demanding.
  

These children get the message sometimes that they are just plain too much. They hear all the time that they need to calm down and stop being so loud and active. Boys do not generally receive as much negative feedback, as their active nature is culturally expected. But Type 3 girls have a hard time. They are often called tomboys, which leaves them feeling unfeminine and conflicted between their true nature and their perceived idea of the feminine.

What happens to the wounded Type 3
:
If these children are wounded in their families, they tend to carry a lot of anger that can come out as overreaction in certain scenarios. They may come across as pushy or intense to others, mostly because there is not an outlet for their naturally dynamic energy to go.

Common adult dysfunction
: They may get fired up and take their anger out on spouses or children in ways that the Type 3 adult later regrets. Without a healthy physical outlet, they may feel imprisoned and have an intense impression on others, or give the sense of an energetic intensity they’re trying to mask. Adult women who have tried to shut down their Type 3 nature tend to look worn, stressed, and they age much earlier (it’s hard work to repress that much dynamic energy). Men may become overly aggressive and not allow their emotional side to show up.

Child Whisperer Tip for the Type 3 child:
Help your child to get out into the world. Help them do something physical that challenges them and gets their body connected with this world. Allow them to learn a new skill that thrills and challenges them. Give them a place to be in their own movement and compete—even if it’s just with themselves. If you were wounded as a Type 3 child, find a physical challenge you would really like to pursue and then go for it!

Type 4 Wounds

Negative messages Type 4s may receive from their family:

• You’re too serious.
  
• You’re so critical.
  
• You can be such a know-it-all.
  
• Stop being such a stickler for the rules.
  
• You’re not social enough.
  
• You need to be more outgoing.
  

Type 4 children may receive negative messages from family members who perceive their naturally serious nature as critical, stifling, or bossy. Parents may worry about their more serious nature. And these children are often told that they are too critical and are told to change the way they naturally are.

What happens to the wounded Type 4
:
Whatever the Type 4 child does takes on a black-and-white, all-or-nothing quality. Depending on their secondary Type, they will become even more structured and rigid (all Type 4), or they will try to erase or soften their true nature (no Type 4). They may become so rigid, analytical, and controlling that their mind takes over everything and they can become blunt and rude. This is just a symptom of a wounded Type 4 who is no longer connected to their heart. Or they will give all their authority up because it only brought them trouble. Whichever coping mechanism they use to avoid being wounded by their family is an extreme of who they actually are. Their extremes are a symptom of being misunderstood and disrespected.

Common adult dysfunction
:
As adults, a wounded Type 4’s critiquing mind may become a critical mind. They automatically criticize in a bold way and express a lot of willingness to share those opinions when they feel they are not being respected or heard.

Child Whisperer Tip for the Type 4 child:
Consider your child’s two best qualities: boldness and stillness. Boldness doesn’t mean an outward expression—it’s a stance, not necessarily a movement. It’s a clarity of knowing what’s going on. And stillness is an inner quality, not a behavior. In other words, it does not mean all-day meditation, but it means a sense of reflective stillness within their being that carries them. If you can give your child respect for their boldness and time to anchor their stillness, they will grow into centered and grounded adults.

If you have wounded your child

You may have parented your child in a way that has wounded them. Before you finish this book, we will talk about the reasons why it’s never too late to be a better parent—even if your children are grown and are raising children of their own.

This is a good message for all children, no matter their Type or age: “It wasn’t ever my intention to hurt you, but now I recognize that I hurt you when I… and I want to support you in loving yourself and trusting your greatest gifts.”