The Christmas Light (9 page)

Jen walks to the end of the hall, where a third bedroom has been converted to a sewing room. The sewing machine sits in front of the window. A pile of thick, rust-colored fabric sits at the side of it, in line for creation. An ironing board stands against one wall, draped with pieces of flowing gold and silver fabric. A small hanging rack, lined with coat hangers, holds the rest. These are the pieces that are to be sewed into costumes for the angel choir. Her phone rings inside her purse and Jennifer digs for it. “Hello.”

“Mrs. De Luca, this is Marianne with Dr. Plantiga’s office. I got your message regarding your husband.”

Jennifer sits on the chair in front of the sewing machine and feels something swelling inside her throat. “Yes, thank you for calling me back.”

“Is this about insurance claims?” Marianne asks.

“No. Nothing like that. I was just hoping that I could speak with Dr. Plantiga. I’m trying to contact all of the medical personnel who helped my husband.”

The line is quiet on the other end. “Mrs. De Luca, I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I don’t understand. If this isn’t about insurance claims then what—”

Jennifer interrupts her. “I’d like to thank everyone who helped Michael.”

She hears Marianne sigh on the other end of the phone and imagines her smiling. “I understand. I’m sorry for my confusion.” Jen’s eyes fill at the sound of her tone. “It’s just that a call like this is so rare.”

“It’s my fault. I wasn’t clear in my message. For the longest time, I’ve been looking for answers, but in the last few weeks I’ve realized I may never have any answers but maybe I’ll be able to close the gap a little by thanking everyone who did everything they could for Michael.” A tear falls down her cheek and onto her hand and she brushes it away on her jeans. Marianne sets an appointment and Jen hangs up the phone, drying her face.

*   *   *

The angel costumes are finished and hanging now in Gloria’s sewing room as Jen cuts two pieces of chocolate chess pie for her and Avery. They jump as the kitchen door opens. “Oh, hi,” Ryan says, letting Sofia enter before him. He looks at Jennifer and tries to keep from smiling. After an overnight stay in Riverside and a long day of house hunting there, the day has suddenly brightened and the air has become warm and full.

“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Sofia says, taking off a rainbow-colored scarf.

Avery talks with her mouth full. “I didn’t know you lived here until I got here. I played with your toys.”

Sofia grabs Avery’s arm. “Come on! Let’s go play some more.”

Avery looks at her mom. “Um,” Jen says. “We should get going.”

“Ahh,” Sofia says. “You just put the pie on your plate. Can we play till you finish eating it?”

Avery’s eyes are huge as she waits for Jen’s answer. “Okay,” she says. “For a few minutes.”

Avery shoves a big bite of pie into her mouth, before setting down the plate and running into the living room with Sofia.

Jennifer leans against the counter and looks at Ryan. “I’m sorry. Miss Glory wanted me to sew some of the costumes. She said the house would be empty and that she’d leave pie for us.” She laughs at the thought. “I never would have cut this if I’d known you…”

Ryan takes off his coat and hangs it over the back of a chair at the kitchen table. “If she left the pie for you then you better eat some. She will take it as a great offense if you don’t. Surely, you know how my aunt feels about food.”

She looks at the pie. “Would you like a piece? It’s delicious.”

He walks to the sink and washes his hands. “I’m sure it is. I think I’ve gained five pounds in my time here.” He reaches for a fork out of the drawer and takes the pie from her, leaning against the counter.

“Ed and I finished the rocks today for the set,” she says. “They look great. The whole set looks really good.”

He smiles. “I never knew that I’d add rock making to my skill list.”

“Are you any closer to deciding on the job you want to take?”

He takes a bite of pie and bobs his head around, thinking. “Maybe. We saw a house today the color of pink yogurt and Sofia said it didn’t matter what it looked like on the inside because she wanted to live there. Period.” Jen laughs, thinking about it. “Thankfully, the inside was awful so we could take the Yoplait house off the list.” He points with his fork toward the living room. “Sofia really wants to live here.”

“And how about you? Where do you want to live and work?”

He looks at her and smiles but turns his eyes to the pie. “I want to live where Sofia is happy. It doesn’t matter. Ground-floor apartment, duplex, condo next to a playground. I can live anywhere.” He takes a bite and uses his fork to cut off another piece, looking at it. “We found a house the second day we were here that she loves, but that one already has a contract on it. Plus, if I had moved on that one, it would mean that I had decided to take the Hazelton job. And I don’t think that’s how I’m leaning.”

Jen thinks for a moment. “Really? Riverside is sounding better?”

He nods. “I think. I don’t know. It’s tough. Both jobs would be great. We did find a house in Riverside that’s right in my price range. I actually think I’m going to put an offer in tomorrow. I’ll sleep on it and call the Realtor to talk it through again.”

She feels disappointed but smiles anyway. “I’m sure Miss Glory was hoping you would be closer. Some others were probably hoping you would be closer, too.” She looks at him. “Gabrielle is a sweet woman.”

Ryan picks at his pie, moving it around on his plate. “She is.” He looks up at her. “I’m sure I’ll be bringing Sofia to Grandon a few times a year so Aunt Gloria can load her up with pies and cookies.”

“You’re a good dad.”

He smirks, taking a bite. “Be sure to tell Sofia that when I’m asking her for the umpteenth time to make her bed or brush her teeth or put her dinner dishes in the dishwasher.”

“Or take a bath,” Jennifer says, relating. “Or pick up her toys or put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket or close the bag inside the cereal box.”

They laugh together and Ryan moves to the kitchen table. Jen notices how he moves away. He glances at her and smiles, not a warm smile but a distant, life-is-complicated kind of smile. “Will Sofia see her mom at Christmas?”

“No. We take turns at the holidays.”

“That must be tough.”

“It’s not great but it works. Sofia likes Julie’s husband so that makes it easier.”

Jen stays at the counter, picking at her pie to make it last. “What’s Julie like?”

He looks at the table, pushing his empty plate away. “She’s like Sofia.”

That’s all he says and she watches his face. “Well, Sofia’s wonderful, so—”

“Sofia is, yes,” he says, cutting her off. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to talk about Julie. “What about your husband? What’s his name?”

“Michael.”

“What does Michael do? How did he manage to not get roped into helping with the Nativity?”

“Mom?” Jen looks up to see Avery standing in the doorway. She gives her mom a wary eye and takes the empty plate from her, setting it on the counter. “It’s time to go.”

“Don’t you want to finish your pie?” Jen asks.

Avery grabs her hand. “No. We need to go now. We need to eat dinner. I want you to cook Dad’s favorite.” Jen opens the dishwasher and begins to place her plate inside. “Come on, Mom!”

“Stop it!” Jennifer whispers, looking into Avery’s eyes. “We are not going to be rude.”

Avery’s eyes fill with tears. “Its time to go home.”

“Are you leaving already?” Sofia asks. “We just started to play.”

Jen walks to the entry and reaches for her and Avery’s coats out of the closet. “Maybe you could come over to our house sometime, Sofia. Would you girls like that?” Sofia nods as Avery pushes her mother from behind. Jennifer ignores her and looks at Ryan. “Could you let Miss Glory know that the sewing is finished and her pie was delicious?” He smiles and closes the door, watching as they get into the car.

Jen sits in silence behind the wheel, looking down at her hands. “That was very rude, Avery.”

The voice is small and unsure in the backseat. “We need to go home.”

“I’m allowed to talk to men.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

Jen turns to look at her in the stillness of the car. “Yes I should. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. It’s all wrong.”

“No it’s not, Avery.” She feels herself getting flushed and takes a breath. “We have to talk to people. We have to be kind.”

“No we don’t.”

“Yes we do!” She lowers her voice, sighing. “Sofia and her dad were only being nice to us. That’s all. We respond to them in kindness, not by being rude.”

“I don’t like him.”

“You’re not allowed to say that because you don’t even know him.”

Avery’s face twists up in confusion. “Do you know him?”

“No, not really. I’ve worked with him on the set. That’s all.” She reaches over the seat and squeezes Avery’s leg. “I know you’re sad and hurt and confused and angry but that doesn’t mean you can hurt other people.”

Avery is quiet, staring out the window. “You like him, don’t you?”

Jen’s face gets soft. “He’s a nice man.”

“But do you like him?”

“He’s a nice person.”

“You think he’s handsome, don’t you?”

“He’s not bad to look at.”

Avery turns to look at her. “Do you like him more than Dad?”

She shakes her head. “No. I love your dad.”

“Then you shouldn’t be talking to other men.” Her face is angelic and rebellious and Jen smiles, too tired to tackle more of this on a mostly empty stomach.

“Let’s go home.”

Avery looks out the window. “That’s what I said.”

Ryan watches as Jen starts the car and pulls away.

TEN

What is to give light must endure burning.

—V
IKTOR
F
RANKL

Jennifer runs down the hallway and flips on the bathroom light before opening Avery’s door. She is wailing in her bed as Jen sits down next to her and grabs her by the shoulders. “Avery! It’s okay! It’s okay, VV. Mommy’s right here.” The sheets below her are wet and Jen slides off the bed, kneeling beside it to stroke Avery’s face. “Avery! Avery!”

Her eyes are wide and she wraps her tiny arms around Jen’s neck. She begins to cry and holds on tighter.

“It’s okay. You’re with me.”

“You were gone. You were gone and I was alone!”

Jen pulls her head back, so she can look at Avery in the half-light. “It was just a bad dream. Everything’s okay now.”

Avery looks at her through swollen eyes and realizes what she has done. She pulls her legs close to her. “I did it again. I’m sorry, Mom.” She begins to cry and Jen sits up on the bed next to her.

“These are just sheets. They’re easy to wash. It’s no big deal.”

Avery rests her head on her mom and wraps her arms around her. “You were gone. It was real.”

Jen kisses the top of her head and squeezes her. “It might have felt real but it wasn’t. I’m not going anywhere. It was just a dream.”

“How do you know you’re not going anywhere? You can’t know that.”

Jen looks out the window and hopes for the right thing to say. “You’re right. I can’t know that. But Dad and I would never willingly leave you. Nobody could even drag me away from you because I’d be strong like Superman.”

“Come on, Mom! Superman?”

Jen smiles, squeezing her. “Spider-Man?”

“Not even close.”

Jennifer’s gasp fills the room and she laughs. “Who, then, if not Superman or Spider-Man?”

Avery thinks for a moment. “Dora the Explorer!”

The quiet explodes with laughter and Jen squeezes Avery. “Well, Dora is always resourceful and bright and has some awesome friends who help her along the way, so I’ll take it!” She thinks for a moment. “Not even Wonder Woman?”

Avery shakes her head. “She’s so fast. I’ve seen you run.”

Jen rubs her forehead. “So I have the superhero capabilities of a six-year-old cartoon character?”

Avery nods. “It’s how it is, Mom.”

Jen groans. “Let’s keep this between us, okay?” They sit for a moment and she asks, “Was Dad in the dream?”

“For a second but then he went away again.”

Avery had whispered it, so Jen had to strain to hear. She rests her cheek on the top of Avery’s head and wonders if Avery will dread sleep because her dreams will be filled with Michael for the rest of her life or if one day she’ll look forward to them.

“Is he happy, Mom?”

Jennifer makes a noise in the back of her throat as if she’s thinking. “Much happier than us.”

“How do you know?”

Jen turns her head to see out the window. “There’s no sadness in heaven. He wouldn’t want us to be sad, either, but that’s impossible for us here, isn’t it?”

Avery nods. It’s the most she has spoken about her father in over a year, since Jen started taking her to see Dr. Becke. Jennifer waits for more but Avery is finished for the night. “Come on,” she says, sliding her legs off the bed and opening the top drawer of the dresser. “Let’s get you into something dry and into my bed.”

“What about my sheets?”

“They can wait until morning.”

Avery stands and begins to walk toward the door, when she turns around and pulls the blankets up over the wet spot. Jennifer watches and her heart breaks. Since Michael died, Avery has been covering up aches that can’t bear the light of day. Jen reaches for her hand and they walk through the hall together.

*   *   *

“We are doomed!” Miriam says, putting her head on the table.

Gloria sets a cup of coffee in front of her and pokes Miriam in the shoulder. “Sit up before Ryan and Sofia come in here and think you’re having some sort of conniption.”

Miriam ignores her. “The angel choir is filled with beasts, Joseph and Mary are hardly in this century, let alone in the first, and the shepherds are always talking about ways to take out the sheep.”

“They’re from the hunting club! What were you expecting?” She takes a bite of pie and chases it with some coffee.

“Which triplet did we make the Angel of the Lord?”

Gloria thinks. “Andrew, I think. No, I’m positive it’s Andrew. Nearly positive. It could be Matthew. Or even James.”