The Christmas Throwaway (9 page)

written on it. It was difficult to find space for it after the pot roast she had made before, but somehow Zach managed to inhale a large portion.

"Hollow legs," he said, grinning, patting his flat stomach in answer to Melanie's incredulous look and licked the final icing off his fingers.

It was everything Zach had never had on a birthday, 95

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

and he was the first to admit it was a little overwhelming, telegraphing to Ben, without even realizing it, that he could do with a short break. He was relieved when Ben pulled him out into the kitchen.

"I want to lay it out on the table," Ben started, smiling as Zach glanced over at the kitchen table, frowning.

"Not that table." He smirked. "I mean you. Being eighteen now, you have so many options open to you; home, your GED, college, a career."

Zach could tell Ben was eager to hand everything

over, leaflets, GED forms, prospectuses and application forms where he would be unable to do little more than fill in his name and his age. He blinked steadily as Ben rambled on, something about college and equivalencies again, about funding, or not funding, or sponsorship, or something along those lines. He wasn't listening. All he could hear was buzzing in his head, and a sudden sick feeling in his stomach. He didn't want to choose from the list of things Ben was saying, He couldn't; he didn't have the capacity to make a choice. Nor did he have the qualifications for anything other than casual work and to make enough money to somehow keep a roof over his head. If he harbored dreams of one day being a writer, of learning about the classics, of talking to peers who maybe 96

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

wanted to hear his opinion, of even having friends… Well, they were all pipe dreams, just as being here in Hill Valley was clearly a delusion.

He guessed he should have been prepared for this.

Any thoughts he had cherished of a relationship with the cop were founded on nothing more than imaginings. What would a cop with a degree want with a dropout who never even finished school?

Zach pressed his lips together stubbornly at the

options. He had already told Ben he didn't have a choice, that college wasn't open to him.

"Listen to me." Ben stopped briefly, passing Zach the whole pile of papers. He frowned as they slipped through Zach's hands and onto the floor. Zach hadn't even tried to hold on to them. "It's true, I checked their website.

UVA offers late students places on an equivalency, okay, and you could get adult funding. Well, some adult funding; the rest you'd need to work for. But, hell I worked for mine."

Zach looked up, his chest tightening with hurt.

Didn't Ben realize that to throw this at him just wasn't fair?

He needed to move to the city, get work, find somewhere to live, so he could get Rebecca away from home. He needed to focus on that, not on some up in the air possibility.

97

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

"Can we go and eat more cake?" he finally offered quietly, not really knowing where that was coming from.

His eyes were unfocused, and tears threatened to well up, leaving his throat tight. Ben was frowning, the start of anger maybe? He couldn't tell, and he backed slowly to the door. Ben was a strong man, and strong men changed when anger hit them. He knew that; he only had to look at his dad. Zach didn't want to talk about it, none of it, but he also knew saying no to Ben was going to make it worse, Zach didn't want to make Ben, his new friend,

angry. He wanted to keep him as a friend, thought maybe he could, but it was all going wrong. He didn't wait for Ben to answer about the cake, just moved quickly out of the kitchen, evading the cop's hand even as Ben tried to stop him from leaving. Zach stumbled straight into the front room, drawing attention to himself, hating that, and cursing the hopes that built inside him only to be pushed back by his own lack of belief that anything could go right for him.

"Are you okay, Zach?" He didn't know who asked.

He just needed to be out of here, and with wide eyes, he looked to the door. People stood there, blocking his way out, Melanie and Annabelle, watching him, seeing him for what he really was. He couldn't breathe. Ben walked out of the kitchen behind him, asking him something— something 98

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

he couldn't hear. He couldn't get out, and he took the only path open to him, up the stairs, to the room he had been given, closing the door behind him.

Everything that he had been through at his family's hands, everything he had heard or been told, every mark his father had laid on him, had never pressed him to feel trapped like this, and he pushed haphazardly at the window just to get air in his lungs.

It was Melanie who breached the door, pushing it

open, just her, no one else, and she crossed to stand next to him at the window. She spoke carefully, quietly, gently touching his shoulder, talking nonsense, about the cake, about his birthday, Christmas, Annabelle, Mark, his height, until finally the panic inside him was turning into just shivering against the snowy cold. She pulled the window shut and gently guided him, without him even realizing it, to sit on the bed. She continued talked with a low soothing voice, and he tried hard to focus on her as she touched his face, gently tracing the bruises that marked his skin.

"What?"

"This will happen sometimes, Zach. It's okay, it will be okay. This is just your head not being able to process everything all at the same time."

"It's pathetic!"
I'm pathetic.
Zach's voice was thick 99

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

with tears, and he needed help, the simple words pleading for her to do something to help him.

"Oh, Zach," she replied sadly, "you aren't pathetic, far from it, sweetie. But it doesn't matter how much I say it, you are not going to believe me yet. I promise you one day you will…" She didn't say anything else. She was clearly waiting for Zach speak.

Embarrassment washed over him as he processed

what had happened, and he bent his head and groaned.

"Oh— my— God…" he finally pushed out with a low groan. "What happened?" He realized he sounded as if he had just woken up from a nightmare where he had no control over his thoughts and his actions.

"Just a panic attack, Zach. Nothing you can't handle."

Humiliation, embarrassment, acceptance and then

finally guilt churned inside him.

"Shit… Ben," he finally managed to say, covering his face with his hands and letting out another deeply felt groan.

"Do you want to talk to me about it?"

"It… Ben… says I can… Shit."

Melanie smiled. "It's okay. That was more coherent than I thought you might be."

100

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

"Shit," was all Zach could offer in return.

"Zach, look at me," she said, and he raised his gaze to hers. "You now have two options. You can go back downstairs, where I promise you no one is thinking any less of you, and get the whole seeing them all face-to-face over and done with… Or you can wait until the morning to do it."

Zach was stricken; he didn't want to face them now.

He was embarrassed and ashamed. He wanted to hide here, but if he left it for another eight hours, he knew he wouldn't sleep, and the shame he felt inside would just build and build until he could do nothing but run. He stood up, deciding he needed to be strong. So he preceded her down the stairs, trying to look as normal as possible.

Ben was waiting at the bottom, pacing in the hall.

He stopped and gazed up at Zach, his face a mask of misery. Not anger, but real anguish.

"God, Zach, I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't think. I was just excited. I should have left everything alone 'til later. It was all too much. I really… I'm just… I'm sorry."

He waited, chewing on his lower lip, his eyes wide with questions.

Zach stopped in front of him. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I'm not ready to listen yet." Ben closed his eyes, 101

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

stepping that one step forward that meant he could touch Zach, resting his hands on Zach's arms, his face tipped up to look into Zach's eyes.

"I know you aren't ready, and it's okay. We can talk when you are, doesn't matter if it's five hours, five days or five years."

Zach's eyes widened, five years? He nodded and

rested his forehead against Ben's aware of suddenly how cold he was feeling, cold to the core. "I'm cold," he said simply, closing his eyes as Ben wrapped strong arms around his thin frame. He allowed himself to be guided to the sofa where Donna was sitting, watching the whole interaction between her son and the boy he had pulled from the snow. She reached out and held Zach's hand, not giving him the chance to look away or apologize or anything else he was considering.

"Apparently we should avoid playing against you in Trivial Pursuit, or so Ben says…"

102

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

More by luck than judgment, Zach had scooped up

the paperwork Ben had given him, along with the local paper and other assorted magazines, to tidy up for Donna.

This led to him sitting with a coffee in hand in the peace of the kitchen, thumbing through each form and prospectus. The course he wanted, creative writing, stared up at him from page eight of the prospectus. He thought it through and put a piece of paper to one side to make a list.

Lists were good. They summarized clearly in his brain why he couldn't go to college; no money, no accommodations, no car, and no graduation.

However, he realized that as he wrote the negatives, he was also adding counter arguments providing

possibilities that would allow him to go. It was those reasons that seemed to jump out at him. Funding? He researched funding; he could get some. Work? He could do stacking shelves to start with. As for his graduation, Ben was right. The example questions for the GED were such that he could answer them in his sleep. Home schooled he might be, dumb he wasn't.

Then Ben's offer…
Live here, or move in with me, I
have a house with a spare room, I have a car I don't use,
103

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

we can split the bills. The store needs a clerk. I can loan
you whatever money you need. You can owe me if it makes
you feel better…

Ben's words were added to the list, little BH's next to each point, like just the initials being there meant Ben would be able to help. He managed to navigate as much Internet as he was able. He remembered a very different version of Windows than the one in front of him, and Google seemed to throw up millions of hits for the words college and funding. Still, he managed it, picking up speed on the way.

He couldn't make any phone calls. For the most

part, colleges were on intercession. Excitement at the possibilities was building inside him, chipping away at the bleak life he had known before. He had decisions to make.

He really needed to know whether Ben was serious, and also whether he wanted anything else from him. Because Zach sure as hell wanted something from Ben.

* * * *

It was at the New Year's Eve family gathering that it all started to unravel. "So, we have this thing," Donna explained to Zach, "where we get to the end of the year and 104

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

all of us think about things that happened this year, and tell each other some of what we hope for next."

"I'll go first," Jamie said quickly, standing with his arms around his wife, resting his hands protectively on her stomach, with a look on his face that could only mean one thing. "I want to thank the power company for power cuts in October, and I want our baby to be born healthy this summer." The noise was deafening, everyone

congratulating them, looking at dates, the excitement so infectious Zach found himself grinning.

He looked at Ben who just had the biggest smile on his face, ever the proud uncle. It had just started to die down when Mark took his go, but when it turned out he too was thanking the power company, Zach's grin became a permanent fixture.

When it came to Ben's turn, Zach looked at him

expectantly, wondering what he would thank this year for, not surprised when he started talking about getting the position at the Hill Valley station. He listened to his family and friends laughing and was proud right alongside him. He was surprised when his name was mentioned as a high point of the year.

"…and then rescuing my very own Zach puppy

from a snowy grave," Ben smiled at Zach, "and deciding to 105

The Christmas Throwaway

RJ Scott

keep him." He added the last bit very quietly.

"And for next year?" Zach asked softly, aware that the clock was nearing midnight, that in five minutes it would be next year.

"Well, that's easy, I want you to stay here, get your life sorted, be happy… and…" He hesitated and then stopped.

"And what?" Zach prompted, talking to Ben as if he was the only one in the room.

"And I want to be the one who gets to help you learn all the things you want to know."

Everyone was quiet, waiting on Zach's decision.

Was he going to stay here in Hill Valley, maybe start a new life with a family that wanted him? He needed to see his sister, get some sense in him of what had happened in their home, maybe press charges, and see what he could do to get his sister away from their dad. So many things to think about and to do. But when it came down to it, when he was asked to state what he wanted right at this moment, he didn't wait long to answer.

"Yes," he said simply, directing his answer to Ben.

"I want big things — to see my sister, get an education, write." He looked at Ben with deliberate concentration.