The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips (16 page)

should work to over turn these antiquated laws because, in the end, they are aimed at controlling women, especially lesbians, as well as gay men who do not conform to the male heterosexual model of sexuality.

In spite of the ready availability of sex toys, many women still feel tentative or guilty about buying and using them. The fear of anyone finding an eight-inch lavender penis in the sock drawer, be it your lover or mother, still inspires anxiety in many of us, and grabs our hand as we write down our credit card number on an order form.

On our Backs
, the famous clits-up lesbian sexzine, asked women, “What’s the most embarrassing experience involving your sex toy?” and learned:

Natalie... put her dildo in the microwave. Forty-one percent of women had a dildo break during use.... a bag of dildos got searched at the airport.... a straight friend found a dildo under the bed.... parents came in while a dildo was sitting on the kitchen table.... a finger got stuck in a vibrator while trying to fix the battery... got pussy burns from falling asleep with the vibrator on... and... one woman’s vibrator turned on in her backpack at the bus stop!

Most sex toys are designed by men (like so many other items we use), so the magazine asked women how they would design a fantasy toy. They answered:

A dildo that satisfies both partners.... better straps for harness so there’s no slipping.... a toy that sucks.... a toy that licks all around.... an anal and cunt dildo.... a dildo with as much control as hands... and... a long-handled dildo for women with short arms.
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In addition to vibrators and dildos, there is an endless range of sex toys readily available through sexuality boutiques and catalogs. Women-friendly shops and catalogs are listed in Resources.

FANTASIES AND ROLE PLAYING

People have probably always employed private or shared fantasies to make sex more exciting. Fantasies make the forbidden, the foolish, the wild and wooly accessible, and in situations where sex is impossible, forbidden, an obligation, or lackluster, fantasies often save the day. For many people, fantasies fill an otherwise hopeless void, and if their imagination is rich and free enough, they can be as orgasmic alone as they can with a partner, sometimes more reliably and powerfully so. Before women began redefining sex for themselves, fantasies were a subversive way of rewriting male

scripts. In secret scenarios, women were not only the actors, but the casting consultants, the consume designers, architects of the set, and directors. Then as now, we can have sex with whomever we please, anywhere we want, and ask our beloved to do anything we want just exactly the way we like it. We can do things in our waking dreams, like have sex on the wing of an airplane in shark-invested waters, or on a bench at the mall. If only real life could e like this. Well, sometimes it actually can.

Fantasies can be funny, somber, daring, scary, wicked, or raunchy, and may provide a few minutes of escape from the mundane; they may promote heightened pleasure or be truly revelatory. “My World of the Unknown,” a short story by Egyptian writer Alifa Rifaat, is one of the most poignant example of how powerful and transformative fantasies can be, especially for women in sexually repressive cultures.
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The husband of the nameless narrator is transferred to a site far removed from the beloved familiarity of Cairo. On her first house hunting venture, she is taken by an abandoned house that is said to be haunted by djinn, a celestial spirit, which may appear in animal or spirit form. She feels strangely drawn to the empty house and over grown garden, and against the advice of the realtor, she rents it. After the family settles in, she withdraws from social life and focuses on her garden where one day she observes an exotic multicolored snake in a tree. “I felt a current of

radiation from its eyes that penetrated to my heart,” explains the narrator. She continues:

I rose from my place, overwhelmed by the feeling that I was on the brink of a new world, a new destiny, or rather, if you wish, the threshold of a new love.... I began to be intoxicated by the soft musical whisperings. I felt her cool and soft and smooth, her coldness producing a painful convulsion in my body and hurting me to the point of terror. I felt her as she slipped between the covers, then her two tiny fangs, like two pearls, began to caress my body; arriving at my thighs, the golden tongue, like an arak twig, inserted its pronged tip between them and began sipping and exhaling, sipping the poisons of my desire and exhaling the nectar of my ecstasy, ‘til my whole body tingled and started to shake in sharp, painful, rapturous spasms—and all the while the tenderest of words were whispered to me as I confided to her all my longings.
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Through this vivid and powerfully moving fantasy, the narrator is able to transcend the constraints of her phallocentric culture and realize in a meaningful way her right to sexual pleasure.

Nancy Friday’s collections of other women’s sexual fantasies (see Resources) give us a clear idea of their breadth and depth, dispelling

the myth that men’s fantasies are more active and powerful. In the introduction to her third book,
Women on Top
, Friday observes a striking change in women’s fantasies from those in her earlier volumes. “More than any other emotion, guilt determined the story lines of the fantasies in
My Secret Garden
.” In order to get past it, women fantasized about rape, bodily harm, humiliation, and, most frequently, had fantasy sex with faceless strangers. This worked, Friday suggests, to preserve the “nice girl” image in women’s own minds. But in
Women on Top
, she found “women’s voices finally dealing with the full lexicon of human emotion, sexual imagery, and language.”
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The male-centered, intercourse-focused model of sexuality has begun to change, and this is happening only because women are asserting their right to equal pleasure during sex. For many women and their partners, de-emphasizing intercourse is the first step in the journey to deeper, more rewarding, even transformative sexual experiences. Claiming masturbation as a legitimate part of our birthright—for self- pleasure and as well as an essential means of sexual discovery—is the next step. Using sex toys, fantasies, games, and visual and written erotica can help us in our sexual exploration. For women who want more, there are workshops such as the ones described in chapter 5 that can help us learn about our anatomy; work through our inhibitions; act out our fantasies in a safe environment; try new techniques; share our fears, breakthroughs, and triumphs firsthand with others; and receive in return advice, support, and encouragement.

5

N

ow, at the dawn of the twenty-first century, the male-centered heterosexual model of sexuality described at the beginning of

chapter 1 is undergoing a dramatic transformation.

While intercourse has previously been the centerpiece of sex per the male-centered heterosexual model, the very definition of sex is changing in our favor, encompassing pretty much anything that we feel is sexual. Indeed, many people now acknowledge that sex encompasses far more than vaginal intercourse, although the definition of what sex is will probably always remain somewhat fluid.

What if intercourse were no longer the centerpiece of sexual activity? What would it be like? Would sex seem more like work instead of play? Certainly not, if you are willing to think about sex in a different way. Would men get bored during sex? Probably not, as we will soon see. Would men still get their orgasms? Of course, and they and may be even more powerful and exuberant than ever before. Would relationships fall apart? No way! Increasing sexual options can only heighten sexual response, enliven lackluster sex, enhance desire, deepen intimacy, and strengthen sexual bonds between partners,

This is not to say that intercourse should not still be a pleasurable sexual activity, but instead that it be de-emphasized in favor of a variety of techniques that are more rewarding for women. Men and women need to engage in a more lengthy erotic give-and-take that postpones orgasm and results in ever escalating levels of sexual excitement. This includes incorporating masturbation, vibrators, sex toys, fantasies, and videos or written erotica, as well as kissing, cuddling, caressing, holding hands, dancing, hot talk, role playing, and safe, consensual S/M games. Even verbal stimulation, which may or may not lead to orgasm, Can he both sexual and sexually satisfying.

Many women and men are already making this leap by taking classes, workshops, or going through experiential training to actualize their unexplored fantasies and expand the range of how

they perceive what is sexy and stimulating. Such sessions may include information on anatomy and physiology, exercises to enhance body awareness, demonstrations of Tantric and Taoist sexual practices, hands-on instruction in erotic massage and masturbatory techniques, dressing talking hot, and role playing,

ADAPTING ANCIENT SEXUAL RITES FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM

The intercourse-centered model of sex is so deeply rooted in our culture that we find it difficult to imagine a time when it was not the norm. Yet we have look no further than the modern sexual practices of our oldest spiritual belief systems, Chinese Taoism and the Indian Tantric tradition, to find a non-intercourse model right on our doorstep.

The first sexuality advice books by Taoists were written about 600 B.C.E.., and by Tantric sages in India about 300 C.E. They were based upon the oral traditions of earlier pagan cultures in which women were revered, even worshiped for their miraculous ability to conceive and give birth. This life-giving phenomenon was directly associated with their sexuality, and sexuality, in turn, was probably the central sacrament of life, the thread that connected birth to life, death and rebirth, and was believed to be the holy rite that inferred “enlightenment,” the bridge between the human and the divine. Anthropological evidence suggests that elaborate sexual rituals were

acted out in temples illuminated by fire and perfumed by incense. The participants probably wore special clothing and jewelry, meditated, engaged in visualization, and practiced breathing techniques designed to promote the circulation of sexual energy throughout the entire body. They feasted, drank beer and wine, ingested hallucinogens, and performed ecstatic dancing accompanied by chanting, singing, or drumming. In this ancient model, women’s sexual pleasure was considered paramount, a sacred responsibility to be enthusiastically fulfilled, and in the process, both or all participants reached an altered state of consciousness, which could have been interpreted as “enlightenment.”

It’s surprising how closely modern sexual practices mimic these ancient ceremonies. Instead of leopard-skin robes, we might wear little black cocktail dresses or sequined gowns, sexy lingerie, or trendy tank tops and jeans. Instead of necklaces of bear claws or tigers’ teeth, we might wear diamonds, pearls, or birthstones, or even lapis lazuli, the favored gem of ancient priestesses, or cowrie shells, which in prehistoric times were seen as potent symbols of the holy vulva. We might wine and dine our sweetie, dance our brains out in clubs lit by flashing lights, or we might perform erotic dances for each other in the privacy of our bedrooms perfumed with incense and lit by candles or a fireplace. Instead of chanting or singing, we might turn on our favorite music, and in place of visualization, we might share our sexual fantasies and exchange erotic massages. The

romantics among us might even read a bit of poetry. In place of public sex, which in the distant past would have served as a powerful aphrodisiac, we might watch a sexy video to rekindle or enhance desire, or videotape ourselves making love. When we do any of these things, we are reenacting sexual rituals as old as time itself.

Today, there are people who practice strict “orthodox” Tantra or Taoist rituals that provide spiritual sustenance as well as sexual pleasures, while others adapt the sexual elements more freely to explore their sexual potential and discover the rewards of full-body sexual response. During sex, partners may dress up (or down) for each other, do rhythmic breathing together, and gaze deeply into each other’s eyes. They may feed each other and have some wine or other ceremonial drink. Then they may share intimate secrets, thoughts, and fantasies. Every part of the body, from the earlobes to the toes, is caressed or massaged. Orthodox Tantric and Taoist practices utilize dozens of specific positions, but in the modern generic forms, variety and inventiveness are encouraged. Stimulation is varied, intensified, and withdrawn so that both partners progressively reach higher levels of sexual arousal while the man consciously avoids ejaculation. Only when the woman has had as much pleasure and as many orgasms as she wants is the man brought to orgasm with or without penetration.