The Complete Sparkling Vampire Parody Collection (1-4) (2 page)

But instead of saying goodbye to my virginity like most teenagers did at prom, I waxed philosophical about deep things, like why did everyone seem to get to be a vampire but me?  After stomping my foot like a spoiled four year old didn't work, I tried other tactics.  Like, telling Hunky to imagine all the great undead fun we could have.  How we could open our own brooding bar together.  But somehow all my salient points got shot down and I was stuck being a normal teenager with a 104 year old boyfriend.  All was not lost though--he was sure one hell of a good dry humper.

The End.

Hey Shirtless Werewolf, Thanks For The Eye Candy

Hooray for soulless bloodsuckers.  No, I wasn't shilling for my local personal injury lawyer.  I was gushing about my hunky new 104 year old vampire boyfriend (immortality really did wonders for a man's skin).  Now I know what you're thinking--vampires have dead hearts and no souls.  But I wasn't one to let physical realities get in the way of my fantastical delusions.  Besides, details only wanted to thwart my romantic flights of fancy anyway. 

So there I was, in love for the first time, my heart literally jumping for joy like a hopped up pole vaulter (I'd like to vault some pole's of my own).  My sulky scowl had been thrown into a retirement home, banished to a life of dirty bed pans and lumpy apple sauce.  I meanwhile passed the time making moony eyes at Hunky until it got creepy (three hours was our personal best).  Then of course there was the heavy necking (was it hot in there, or was that just my hormones hooting and hollering?). 

Hunky sure knew how to tantalize a girls tonsils.  Amazingly enough though, the idea of him putting his penis into my vagina never occurred to either of us (oh beautiful vapidness).  But the incessant cooing had to come to a close some time, so what better place than at my eighteenth birthday party? 

The party started off well enough.  Then again, who could complain about being showered with presents?  Little did we all know that the seeds of the apocalypse would be sewn with a single paper cut (poetic?  maybe.  lazy plotting?  hell ya).  Yup, once that wrapping paper gave my finger a wee little knick, the O'Buzzkill's turned on me like I was lunch.  Sheesh, what was it with the vampires all trying to kill me?  You'd think humans and vampires weren't compatible or something. 

Staring at my paper cut, Hunky's adopted brother looked at me like I was dolling out erotically charged hemoglobin.  Then he had the nerve to attack me before I'd had the chance to cut the cake.  Luckily for a helpless damsel like me, there was also a hunk around to rescue me (yay for not having to ever save your own hide).  Hunky put the kabash on making a birthday girl meat pie, but by then my birthday was totally screwed with no do over in sight. 

***

Suddenly the world of pouty melodrama decided to take an extended layover.  Instead of coming to a well researched and rational conclusion to overcome the fact that I had oh so erotic blood that made Hunky's family go super fangy, the McBrooding's decided to pick up and move to Europe (home to wussies running away from their problems since 1532). 

Hunky came up with the super bright idea of pretending he never loved me so we could make a nice clean break, because teenage girls never obsessed about anything, especially heartbreak.  But I wouldn't go down without a hissy fit. 

"Yeah, so I'm going to totally break up with you now," Hunky said. 

"But you just had your tongue down my throat five minutes ago," I insisted. 

"You know, this isn't really a good time for me.  What with having to do all this packing before I run off to Europe and never speak to you again.  Not to mention the electrical outlets in France totally suck."

"Well, don't let my heart breaking irreparably get in the way get in the way of trying to fit that last pair of socks and underwear into your suitcase."

"Wow, this break up is going really well.  I should do this more often."

"This is more depressing than the sound of cute kittens being eaten by a lava monster."

"Yeah, but at least I never really loved you in the first place."

"I could just die right here," I said. 

"Good thing I never turned you into a vampire.  Immortality ruins the whole dying thing."

"I just want you to know I'm never going to get over you."

"And I just want you to know I will have already forgotten about you by the in flight movie.  Toodles."

Hunky hated telling lie after lie, but his pea brain had not come up with a better solution to the birthday buffoonery.  Still, watching my heart break right in front of him, Hunky had to use all his willpower to keep his crocodile tears from setting off a flash flood warning.  Then much to my chagrin, he walked right into that overdramatic sunset, never to text, email, or fondle my boobs again. 

I meanwhile was inconsolable.  Bereft.  Crestfallen.  Not to mention totally bummed out.  Not even the mall could save me, although thanks for the new pair of pumps, emotionally unavailable Dad.  Between the constant pouting and overcast scenery mirroring my inner turmoil, I was pretty much the worst dinner party guest ever.  Yes, even worse than the guy reciting poetry about his colonoscopy. 

But just when the story of my life was turning into a tragedy written by a drunk orangutan, Second Fiddled re entered my life with a six pack to spare. 

"I hope you don't mind me walking around buff and shirtless," Second Fiddle said, trying to turn my frown upside down. 

"I'm too heart broken to care," I moped. 

"Really?  Teenage girls seem to love my beefcake body and disarming good looks."

"Oh come on, Second Fiddle.  Are you really trying to start a love triangle at a time like this?"

"Hey, if you don't want to ogle my pecks, I'll be happy to show them off to some other girl."

"Don't be ridiculous.  Why would you want to start a healthy relationship with a girl that will love, honor, and cherish you when you can lust after me unsuccessfully for eternity?"

"Wait a minute.  Does that mean you're telling me I could turn into an underwear model and you'll still leave me in the friends zone?"

"Absotively."

"Wow, slavish devotion really is awesome.  Do you mind if I still pay for all your dinners and movies anyway even though I have no shot of ever scoring with you?"

"Well, if you must."

***

"Hey, so there's something else I forgot to tell you," Second Fiddle said after treating me better than the ex boyfriend who'd trampled my heart.

"It's ok.  I know you have chronic constipation.  I saw the cream on your dresser."

"No no.  I was going to tell you that in addition to being super buff, I also come from a long line of werewolves."

"Does that mean you eat your poo and piss on fire hydrants for fun?"

"Not all dog descendants do that...although I do like chasing my tail.  You know, that's not the point."

"What is the point?  I already told you my heart belongs to a vampire I can't have on another continent I have no way of getting to."

"I just thought having a pack of werewolves getting your back would come in handy when a coven of vengeful vampires come looking to kill you in retaliation for what happened to Mr. Demented, but never mind.  Have fun staving off blood thirsty vampires yourself."

"No no no.  You know I suck at doing anything that doesn't involve putting my life in danger.  It's 2012, do you really expect women to be strong and independent on their own?"

"Well, I could save your life this one time."

"Yay.  I'll be hiding in a corner when you're done with the messy stuff."

***

"Alright, so and me and my hairy buddies kicked some serious vampire butt," Second Fiddle said, after battle. 

"Wow.  Look at you all shirtless and sweaty," I beamed. 

"Does that mean you want to get it on?"

"Do you even understand what the friend zone is?"

Second Fiddle bemoaned to himself.  "That teaches me to fall in love with the only chick that doesn't swoon over six pack abs."

***

Meanwhile in Europe, Hunky was working on his best pouty face.  It turned out there was no replacement for a bland, whiny, helpless girl like me anywhere to be found.  All the women in Europe had things like personality, independence, and even intelligence.  So Hunky was left pining for the dumbass that got away.

Then one of his fangy brethren came by with bad and yet completely untrue news.  "Hunky, I just heard from an utterly unreliable source."

"In that case, I will blindly believe whatever gossip you may have heard."

"Your sullen ex girlfriend went and killed herself."

"She's dead?" Hunky said in disbelief. 

"To be fair though, I did get the news from a completely unreliable source, so you might want to check your facts before doing anything rash."

"Why would anyone waste time with facts when I could make irrational decisions based on raw emotion alone?  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go do something profoundly stupid."

"You're not going to buy another tree fort out of toothpicks to mope in, are you?"

"Actually, I'm going to Italy to tempt the fates," Hunky insisted.  "But be a dear and pack my belly button lint sculpture of my dead ex girlfriend for me.  I want to display it in disgusting pride."

***

You'd think in an era of cell phones, broadband internet, and common sense that a miscommunication like finding out whether I'd killed myself would never happen.  Thankfully I lived in a world of haphazard plotting too, so the melodrama continued. 

"Your ex boyfriends about to do something really stupid," Second Fiddle insisted. 

"Like what?  Square dance with a man eating tiger?" I asked. 

"No, like taunt the Vultures because he thinks you killed yourself."

"But I'm right here pining for him.  What a moron.  I wish we could be morons again together."

"You don't understand, the Vultures are vampire royalty.  They'll kill Hunky for fun, then dress his corpse up like a mime and parade it around town just for the hell of it."

"Wow.  My ex boyfriend's so dumb it makes me wish I'd never fallen in love with him."

"You could still run off with me and we could have cute werewolf pups together."

"Oh Second Fiddle.  Now you're just being silly.  Off to Italy I go."

***

"Hey vampire royalty, I will moon you and show my pale white butt cheeks as a sign of hygienic disrespect," Hunky said, smiting the universe with wild disregard. 

"Uh, Hunky--you do realize we'll have you impaled if you keep acting out in this manner," the Vulture leader said, uber pissed.  

"I've lost the woman I love.  You think I care about threats from Italian vampires sipping on double decaf cappuccino’s?  I'll dance around in a demented tutu if that's what it takes to get my point across."

"If you make me miss my orgy you will come to rue the day you flashed your butt cheeks at me."

"Oh yeah?  Well I had a burrito for lunch.  I smell a juicy fart of vengeance coming on."

Just then, I swung open the doors with my trusty sidekick to talk sense into Hunky. 

"Hunky, don't do it.  Hold that fart in.  Clench those cheeks oh sweet love of mine," I said. 

Hunky turned, trou completely dropped, with a big hello boner waving hi.  "Oh my God, you're alive...and with just as nonexistent of a personality as I remembered."

"I don't even understand why you care anyway.  You don't even love me."

"You bought that lie?  You must be a bigger bone head than I ever realized.  But you're my favorite dumbass in all the world.  I love you more than my own existential ennui.  More than pouting uncontrollably.  More than making an army of demented balloon animals bent on world domination."

"That's probably the sweetest thing I've ever heard.  Let's bump nasties," I said.

But before we had time to so much as kiss, the Vulture leader went totally ape. 

"A human and a vampire together?  I would rather eat monkey poo than allow such an abomination.  Hunky, you know the rules.  Humans must not know about our existence...or our addiction to paper mache.  She either dies, or must become one of us...oh, and for God's sake, pull up your pants.  You're sporting more wood than a frat guy at a wet t-shirt contest."

***

The O'Buzzkill's moved back to Spork with a heady decision on their plate--eat me, or let me join their paper mache ranks.  With the prospect of Hunky whining like a little bitch if they killed me, the O'Buzzkill's voted to turn me into a vampire (yay, I got to be a soulless bloodsucker too).

But all was not hunky dory.  The vampires and werewolves had a combustible truce (how did both vampires and werewolves slip under the radar in a town of only 4000 people by the way?).  The pact would be broken if the O'Buzzkill's ever turned a human.  In other words, things were about to get epically bitey all because of me.  But did I care that I caused an all out war?  Nah.  After all, I had my brooding buddy back.  Swoon!

The End.