The Complete Sparkling Vampire Parody Collection (1-4) (4 page)

***

Just like that, the soggy Northwest was calling our names.  Although nothing could have prepared us for the spork in the road we came to next.

"My vagina hurts," I kept saying to myself as my pregnancy went completely off the rails.  But I wasn't the only one concerned with the turbo charged trimesters I was enduring.

"Wow, pregnancy really blows," Hunky said, as comforting as a cactus in my crotch.

"Yeah.  This must be really awful for you not having a watermelon-sized half fanged creature growing in your belly.  Let me cry you a crocodile tear river."

"Now is not the time for sarcasm.  I know you've always wanted children, but if we don't do something, that fanged freak might kill you."

"Oh no you don't.  We can't just bail on our unborn bundle of joy at the first sign of complicated pregnancy."

"Honey, you've been throwing up confetti puke all morning and your uterus has been shopping online for a designer casket.  We seriously have to consider giving up this baby."

"Did Second Fiddle give up wanting to bone me even though I carved his heart out with a toothpick?  No.  Have psychotic vampires given up trying to kill me even though I'm the least special person in the history of ordinary?  Hell no.  And has this fetus given up making me sicker than a dog even though I asked it nicely to calm the hell down?  Absotively not.  So I ask you, should we be the only ones to give up around here?"

"Yes."

"Well, so much for that online course I took in rousing speech giving.  Look, I know you're worried I might do something melodramatic like die on you, but despite the fact that I should have been killed about ten times right now, I'm alive and kicking."

"Actually, that's your baby using your digestive tract as a deadly playpen."

"Fine, Mr. Brooding Vondoomster.  Have it your way and be educated and smart and crap.  But I'll have you know that I have a connection to this baby.  So if you want it, you'll just have to go into my womb and get it." 

***

Meanwhile, on the other end of the soap opera spectrum, Second Fiddle was having a hell of a time adjusting to life as a shirtless hunky bachelor.  Yet there the luscious lunk was, pining for the pregnant one that got away.  Never mind that he could have been swinging his dingaling into any number of women’s orifices at that very moment.  He wanted to smolder passionately over a girl that took projectile vomiting to a whole new level.

But being a member of the wolf pack was about more than just cutting firewood while topless.  There were important decisions to be made.  No, not about world peace, poverty, or global climate change.  About my potentially lethal bun in the oven (I guess it really was true. I was the center of the universe). 

But despite how pussy whipped Second Fiddle was by me, he was only one wolf--and was vastly outnumbered.  So while the broken hearted wolf was securing his place in the competitive moping hall of fame, his pack was pondering the ramifications of the most famous fetus in the world.  It seemed absurd to be holding such intense meetings over something in my belly, but yet they were.

People kept acting like the kid was going to jump out of my womb with a bazooka and open fire on the whole underworld.  I had put my unborn child on a strict diet of classical music though, so I was pretty sure my kid was going to be a total genius.  At least it had better be, otherwise all my stage Mom training would be a complete waste.  But before I could turn my kids childhood into a clown show that was secretly about me making up for my own deficiencies, I had to push the little bugger out of my womb.

One thing was clear though, when it came to the wolves though, my diaphragm spelled the apocalypse.  And, since the wafer thin plot hinged on me defiantly defending my unwanted pregnancy, I flipped the apocalypse the bird.  Second Fiddle meanwhile wasn't about to let me bite the bullet so quickly though, so he splintered off and formed his own renegade pack based on defending my honor again (wow, maybe I really was a home wrecker).

My womb had other ideas.  Go figure, but pregnancy totally blew.  As bad as the morning sickness and the migraines were though, it was labor that tried to kill me.  So when my water broke, my bones and spine followed suit.  The scene turned into a horror movie, with blood splattered everywhere.  Then suddenly at the least opportune time, my brain went and had a thought (maybe giving up the baby wasn't such a bad idea after all).

Surprise surprise though.  I managed to not die yet again (ha ha, take that Grimm Reaper).  It turned out Hunky swooped in at the last minute and injected his swoon worthy vampire serum into my heart, thus saving my life. See kids, being stabbed in the heart really was romantic (please don't try that at home).

If the most dramatic labor in the history of childbirth wasn't enough, Second Fiddle knew how to add that extra layer of insanity.  In an epic miscommunication (there seemed to be a lot of those in my life), the shirtless Wolf thought I'd died mid labor.  And, blaming my kiddo, ol' Fiddle decided the best course of action was to murder my child...wait, huh?

Let me get that lunkhead logic straight.  He thought I was dead, never to come back again.  So naturally the way to make the situation better was to kill another person too.  Hmm, I think I made the right decision picking the hunky vampire instead of a hot yet unspeakably dumb werewolf.

In the end though, logic mattered little in my world.  But with another ridonkulous twist, Second Fiddle didn't actually end up killing my kid, but rather imprinting on her by mistake, thus making my child and the wolf soul mates for life.  Clean up in aisle five, I think my brain just exploded.

I meanwhile woke up with a new sense of immortality.  For once in my life, I wasn't just a damsel in distress anymore.  Instead I was a blood thirsty damsel with a kid in tow that I was ill equipped to raise (thank God I had eternity to learn).

***

Even after all that melodrama, I still couldn't live whiny ever after in peace.  An annoying little twit of a vampire, who just happened to be moseying through my plot, went and misidentified my kid as a threat to existence (did the poorly executed missed communications never end?).  And, instead of just clearing things up with me and my Hunky hubby, she went and tattled all the way to Italy.

Naturally the Vultures went and overreacted like the little bitches they were, leading to the most epic of all unnecessary fang off's on the horizon. 

That revelation did not lead to the bedroom banter I was expected.

"Hey, so thanks to you, my whole family is going to be exterminated by super powered vampires.  But at least I got to change a few years worth of diapers before kicking the bucket," Hunky said.

"Hey, it's not my fault another easily avoidable misunderstanding has led to an all out war.  Besides, don't forget the years of sleepless night our daughter has given us too.  Ah, precious insomnia," I replied.

"You know, it's almost like we've stumbled into a completely unnecessary chapter in our lives.  Hell, make that an entire book that seems to exist only to cause more drama."

"Hey, why don't we just video chat with the Vultures and show them our daughter isn't some hell spawn bent on world destruction?"

"Nella, now is not the time for rational thought.  We must instead unite totally random vampire clans to fend off the royally pissed off Italians."

"But doesn't that seem like we're just wasting time before we inevitably walk into the sunset together totally unscathed?"

"Honey, you forget we have to introduce a whole slew of new characters and form the biggest hack sack circle in the universe."

"You're right. Because when you're immortal, there's nothing better than a nice game of hacky sack. This is going to be so much fun."

***

While the Vultures prepared to kill every vampire in their way, the fang convention was in full swing in Sporks.  T-shirts were printed, bands played, and designer blood was chugged.  It was the most fun you could have before an impending slaughter.  Eventually the full fanged rager had to come to an end though with the final showdown at hand.

"Damn, we are so going to kill you," the Vulture leader said.

"Is it too late to say this is all one big misunderstanding?" Hunky asked.

"Nice try, douche magoosh.  This kill-a-thon is going to happen, and there's nothing you can do to stop it."

"Wow.  That sounds kind of anti-climactic. You do realize how many times I've cheated death so far, right?" I asked.

"Just hand over the kid already.  We have a lot of murdering to do today and not a whole lot of time to enjoy it," the Vulture leader insisted.

"Whoa whoa whoa.  Not so quick with the death and dismemberment," a member of the O'Buzzkill clan said, with a surprise visitor.  "I have just the intellectual proof we need to end this war non violently."

The Vulture Leader stomped his foot in a hissy fit.  "Damn it, why do I get the feeling I'm not going to get to brutally kill someone today?"

"Meet Fang McSavesourasses from the neighboring town of Convenient Plot Point, Washington.  He is half human, half vampire, and has zero ambition to enslave the world.  Hell, the guy barely has any ambition at all.  He just tokes up and runs an alpaca farm."

"I can't believe it.  I just flew seven thousand miles in coach next to a manboobed tourist with epic body odor.  Someone is so getting executed," the Vulture Leader insisted.

"How about the vampire responsible for this big time mix up?" I suggested.

"Ah, why not?" the Vulture Leader replied.  "But before I get to the main course, I just have to ask, do you have any pigs in blankets?  The food on the plane sucked."

***

"Well, we managed to talk our way out of certain death," I said, walking into the sunset with Hunky.

"I know, right?  That was pretty boring of an ending," Hunky remarked.

"Maybe I should shamelessly put my life on the line so we can have another unnecessary adventure," I continued.

"Nah. I think that was unnecessary enough as it is. Besides, people can put up with only so much whining, right?"

"Not when there's hunky vampires involved."

"Oh, right.  In that case, what ridiculous shenanigans should we get ourselves into next?" Hunky asked.

"I'm sure we'll think of come up with something overwrought," I replied.  "But in the meantime, let's hump."

The End.

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