The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (365 page)

and let my officers

seize his house and lands.

Do this quickly and make him leave.

Exeunt

Enter ORLANDO, with a paper

ORLANDO

Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love:

And thou, thrice-crowned queen of night, survey

With thy chaste eye, from thy pale sphere above,

Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway.

O Rosalind! these trees shall be my books

And in their barks my thoughts I'll character;

That every eye which in this forest looks

Shall see thy virtue witness'd every where.

Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree

The fair, the chaste and unexpressive she.

Sit here on this tree, you lines of poetry, to witness to my love.

And you, Diana, queen of the night, watch

with your pure eye from the pale moon above

and keep track of the huntress who has power over my life.

O Rosalind! These trees will be my books

and I will write my thoughts for you on their bark;

thus, everyone who looks in this forest

will see your virtues written everywhere.

Run, Orlando, and carve lines on every tree

that talk about her beauty, chastity, and her inexpressible character.

Exit

Enter CORIN and TOUCHSTONE

CORIN

And how like you this shepherd's life, Master Touchstone?

How do you like living as a shepherd, Master Touchstone?

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, shepherd, in respect of itself, it is a good

life, but in respect that it is a shepherd's life,

it is naught. In respect that it is solitary, I

like it very well; but in respect that it is

private, it is a very vile life. Now, in respect it

is in the fields, it pleaseth me well; but in

respect it is not in the court, it is tedious. As

is it a spare life, look you, it fits my humour well;

but as there is no more plenty in it, it goes much

against my stomach. Hast any philosophy in thee, shepherd?

Well, shepherd, compared to itself alone, it is a good

life, but since it is a shepherd’s life,

it is nothing. In respect of its solitary lifestyle, I

like it a lot, but in respect of its

private lifestyle, it is awful. Now,

it is pleasing to live in the fields, but

it is very boring and tedious to not be living in the courts.

And with its minimal needs, it is very fitting to my personality,

but because there is no extravagance, the lifestyle

goes against my palate and dietary desires. Are you a philosopher, shepherd?

CORIN

No more but that I know the more one sickens the

worse at ease he is; and that he that wants money,

means and content is without three good friends;

that the property of rain is to wet and fire to

burn; that good pasture makes fat sheep, and that a

great cause of the night is lack of the sun; that

he that hath learned no wit by nature nor art may

complain of good breeding or comes of a very dull kindred.

Only insofar as I know that the sicker one gets, the

more uncomfortable he is, and that if someone does not have money,

means of employment, or happiness is lacking three good friends.

I know that rain gets things wet, and fire

burns, that good fields make fat sheep, and that

the great work of the night is to be without sun. I know that

he who has learned nothing, either from nature or schooling,

is either poorly bred or has come from a dull family.

TOUCHSTONE

Such a one is a natural philosopher. Wast ever in

court, shepherd?

So you are a natural philosopher. Were you ever in

the court, shepherd?

CORIN

No, truly.

No, never.

TOUCHSTONE

Then thou art damned.

Then you are damned.

CORIN

Nay, I hope.

No, I hope not.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, all

on one side.

Yes, you are damned like a poorly cooked egg, all

burnt on one side.

CORIN

For not being at court? Your reason.

Just for never being at the court? Why? Tell me your reasons.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawest

good manners; if thou never sawest good manners,

then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness is

sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlous

state, shepherd.

If you were never at the court, then you never saw

good manners, and if you never saw good manners,

then your manners must be wicked and bad, and wickedness is

a sin, and sin is damnation. You are in a perilous, dangerous

state, shepherd.

CORIN

Not a whit, Touchstone: those that are good manners

at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the

behavior of the country is most mockable at the

court. You told me you salute not at the court, but

you kiss your hands: that courtesy would be

uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.

Not at all, Touchstone: the good manners

of the court are just as ridiculous here in the country as the

behavior of those from the country is made fun of in the

court. You told me that one does not salute in the court, but

instead kisses hands – that would be

very dirty if court members were shepherds.

TOUCHSTONE

Instance, briefly; come, instance.

Quickly, give an example.

CORIN

Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their

fells, you know, are greasy.

Well we are handling sheep always, and their

fleece is, as you know, greasy.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, do not your courtier's hands sweat? and is not

the grease of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of

a man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say; come.

Doesn’t a court member’s hands sweat? And isn’t

sheep’s grease better than the sweat of

a man? That is a shallow reason – come up with a better one. Come on.

CORIN

Besides, our hands are hard.

Also, our hands are hard.

TOUCHSTONE

Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.

A more sounder instance, come.

Your lips will still feel them. Another bad reason.

Come up with a sounder one, come on.

CORIN

And they are often tarred over with the surgery of

our sheep: and would you have us kiss tar? The

courtier's hands are perfumed with civet.

They are also often tarred from the tar we put

on the sheep to heal their wounds – would you want to kiss tar? The

court member’s hands are perfumed with civet musk.

TOUCHSTONE

Most shallow man! thou worms-meat, in respect of a

good piece of flesh indeed! Learn of the wise, and

perpend: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the

very uncleanly flux of a cat. Mend the instance, shepherd.

O shallow man! You are as worthless as worms-meat compared

to a good steak! Learn from the wise and

understand this: civet musk is much worse than tar –

it’s the disgusting discharge from a cat. A better example, shepherd.

CORIN

You have too courtly a wit for me: I'll rest.

Your wit is too courtly for me – I will stop.

TOUCHSTONE

Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow man!

God make incision in thee! thou art raw.

You are stopping even though you are still damned? God help you, you shallow man!

God cut into you like a surgeon! You need aid.

CORIN

Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get

that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's

happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my

harm, and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewes

graze and my lambs suck.

Sir, I am an honest and simple worker: I earn what I eat, get

what I wear, hate no man, do not envy anyone’s

happiness, am happy at others’ good fortunes, am content with my

own poor fortune, and my greatest pride is to watch my ewes

graze and feed, and the lambs give suck.

TOUCHSTONE

That is another simple sin in you, to bring the ewes

and the rams together and to offer to get your

living by the copulation of cattle; to be bawd to a

bell-wether, and to betray a she-lamb of a

twelvemonth to a crooked-pated, old, cuckoldly ram,

out of all reasonable match. If thou beest not

damned for this, the devil himself will have no

shepherds; I cannot see else how thou shouldst

'scape.

That is just another of your simple sins: you bring the ewes

and rams together and you make your

living by their copulation. You are a pimp for

the rams, and you betray ewes, only a

year old, to crooked, old, unfaithful rams –

a disgusting match. If you are not

damned for this, then the devil himself must not want

shepherds in Hell. I don’t see how else you will

escape.

CORIN

Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new mistress's brother.

Here comes Master Ganymede, my new mistress’s brother.

Enter ROSALIND, with a paper, reading

ROSALIND

reading

From the east to western Ind,

No jewel is like Rosalind.

Her worth, being mounted on the wind,

Through all the world bears Rosalind.

All the pictures fairest lined

Are but black to Rosalind.

Let no fair be kept in mind

But the fair of Rosalind.