The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (882 page)

HAMLET

Please, go on…

I beseech you, remember--

HAMLET moves him to put on his hat

OSRIC

No, my lord, I’m fine, I swear. Laertes has come back. He is a great gentleman and very popular in society. If I may speak freely, I think he is the object of what a gentleman should be.

Nay, good my lord; for mine ease, in good faith.
Sir, here is newly come to court Laertes; believe
me, an absolute gentleman, full of most excellent
differences, of very soft society and great showing:
indeed, to speak feelingly of him, he is the card or
calendar of gentry, for you shall find in him the
continent of what part a gentleman would see.

HAMLET

Sir, I see you think very highly of him; you don’t have to list his finer qualities. I don’t even think you could break them all down. I doubt you can find a man as good as he.

Sir, his definement suffers no perdition in you;
though, I know, to divide him inventorially would
dizzy the arithmetic of memory, and yet but yaw
neither, in respect of his quick sail. But, in the
verity of extolment, I take him to be a soul of
great article; and his infusion of such dearth and
rareness, as, to make true diction of him, his
semblable is his mirror; and who else would trace
him, his umbrage, nothing more.

OSRIC

You are right, my lord.

Your lordship speaks most infallibly of him.

HAMLET

Anyway, why are we talking about him?

The concernancy, sir? why do we wrap the gentleman
in our more rawer breath?

OSRIC

What, sir?

Sir?

HORATIO

Try it again.

Is't not possible to understand in another tongue?
You will do't, sir, really.

HAMLET

What is the significance of us talking about him?

What imports the nomination of this gentleman?

OSRIC

You mean Laertes?

Of Laertes?

HORATIO

His ability to comprehend has vanished.

His purse is empty already; all's golden words are spent.

HAMLET

Yes, sir. Laertes.

Of him, sir.

OSRIC

I know you know Laertes…

I know you are not ignorant--

HAMLET

I know him well enough. So…

I would you did, sir; yet, in faith, if you did,
it would not much approve me. Well, sir?

OSRIC

Then you must know how excellent Laertes is…

You are not ignorant of what excellence Laertes is--

HAMLET

I wouldn’t say I know what you are getting at.

I dare not confess that, lest I should compare with
him in excellence; but, to know a man well, were to
know himself.

OSRIC

I mean his known for his ability in fencing. No one is as good as he.

I mean, sir, for his weapon; but in the imputation
laid on him by them, in his meed he's unfellowed.

HAMLET

What is his weapon?

What's his weapon?

OSRIC

The rapier and the dagger.

Rapier and dagger.

HAMLET

Okay, that’s two; go on.

That's two of his weapons: but, well.

OSRIC

The king, sir, has bet him six of his finest horses and six rapiers and dagger with their carriages.

The king, sir, hath wagered with him six Barbary
horses: against the which he has imponed, as I take
it, six French rapiers and poniards, with their
assigns, as girdle, hangers, and so: three of the
carriages, in faith, are very dear to fancy, very
responsive to the hilts, most delicate carriages,
and of very liberal conceit.

HAMLET

What are carriages?

What call you the carriages?

HORATIO

I knew you were going to be stumped before we were done.

I knew you must be edified by the margent ere you had done.

OSRIC

The carriages are the sheaths to put the swords in.

The carriages, sir, are the hangers.

HAMLET

I would not use the word carriage. It sounds like you are carrying a canon on your side. I’ll call it a hanger. However, that is a mighty steep bet. What is the bet upon?

The phrase would be more german to the matter, if we
could carry cannon by our sides: I would it might
be hangers till then. But, on: six Barbary horses
against six French swords, their assigns, and three
liberal-conceited carriages; that's the French bet
against the Danish. Why is this 'imponed,' as you call it?

OSRIC

The king, sir, has bet that Laertes cannot beat you by three hits in a dozen rounds. If you’ll accept, we can start right away.

The king, sir, hath laid, that in a dozen passes
between yourself and him, he shall not exceed you
three hits: he hath laid on twelve for nine; and it
would come to immediate trial, if your lordship
would vouchsafe the answer.

HAMLET

What if I say no?

How if I answer 'no'?

OSRIC

You should tell them yourself.

I mean, my lord, the opposition of your person in trial.

HAMLET

Sir, I will walk here in the hall, and if it pleases the king, he can bring on the gentleman. I will do what I can to win the bet. If I don’t, then I will only be slightly embarrassed.

Sir, I will walk here in the hall: if it please his
majesty, 'tis the breathing time of day with me; let
the foils be brought, the gentleman willing, and the
king hold his purpose, I will win for him an I can;
if not, I will gain nothing but my shame and the odd hits.

OSRIC

Shall I go tell them what you said?

Shall I re-deliver you e'en so?

HAMLET

Certainly, tell them whatever you want.

To this effect, sir; after what flourish your nature will.

OSRIC

I am at your service.

I commend my duty to your lordship.

HAMLET

And I am at yours.

Yours, yours.

Exit OSRIC

He must commend his service, himself, because no one else will.

He does well to commend it himself; there are no
tongues else for's turn.

HORATIO

He is kind of nutty.

This lapwing runs away with the shell on his head.

HAMLET

Yes, but he has gathered enough around here to get him by. But, he still is what he is.

He did comply with his dug, before he sucked it.
Thus has he--and many more of the same bevy that I
know the dressy age dotes on--only got the tune of
the time and outward habit of encounter; a kind of
yesty collection, which carries them through and
through the most fond and winnowed opinions; and do
but blow them to their trial, the bubbles are out.

Enter a Lord

Lord

My lord, the king has talked with Osric and wants to know if you are ready or if you need more time.

My lord, his majesty commended him to you by young
Osric, who brings back to him that you attend him in
the hall: he sends to know if your pleasure hold to
play with Laertes, or that you will take longer time.

HAMLET

Whenever.

I am constant to my purpose; they follow the king's
pleasure: if his fitness speaks, mine is ready; now
or whensoever, provided I be so able as now.

Lord

The king and queen are coming.

The king and queen and all are coming down.

HAMLET

In their own sweet time.

In happy time.

Lord

The queen wants you to speak with Laertes before you begin.

The queen desires you to use some gentle
entertainment to Laertes before you fall to play.

HAMLET

She always has some instructions for me.

She well instructs me.

Exit Lord

HORATIO

You will lose this wager, my lord.

You will lose this wager, my lord.

HAMLET

I don’t think so. I’ve been practicing since he went to France. The odds are in my favor, but I still feel something is not quite right. Oh, well.

I do not think so: since he went into France, I
have been in continual practise: I shall win at the
odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here
about my heart: but it is no matter.

HORATIO

This is not a good idea…

Nay, good my lord,--

HAMLET

I know it’s foolish.

It is but foolery; but it is such a kind of
gain-giving, as would perhaps trouble a woman.

HORATIO

If you feel like something is not right, just say the word, and I’ll stop the match.

If your mind dislike any thing, obey it: I will
forestall their repair hither, and say you are not
fit.

HAMLET

No way! I don’t put a lot of faith in superstitions. If it’s God’s will, then so be it.

Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a special
providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now,
'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be
now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the
readiness is all: since no man has aught of what he
leaves, what is't to leave betimes?

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, LAERTES, Lords, OSRIC, and Attendants with foils, & c

KING CLAUDIUS

Come Hamlet and shake hands.

Come, Hamlet, come, and take this hand from me.

KING CLAUDIUS puts LAERTES' hand into HAMLET's

HAMLET

Forgive me, sir. I’ve done you wrong. I’m afraid I was crazy. If I were in my right mind, I would have never committed such a heinous act. My madness is my true enemy. Please, know that I would never harm you intentionally.

Give me your pardon, sir: I've done you wrong;
But pardon't, as you are a gentleman.
This presence knows,
And you must needs have heard, how I am punish'd
With sore distraction. What I have done,
That might your nature, honour and exception
Roughly awake, I here proclaim was madness.
Was't Hamlet wrong'd Laertes? Never Hamlet:
If Hamlet from himself be ta'en away,
And when he's not himself does wrong Laertes,
Then Hamlet does it not, Hamlet denies it.
Who does it, then? His madness: if't be so,
Hamlet is of the faction that is wrong'd;
His madness is poor Hamlet's enemy.
Sir, in this audience,
Let my disclaiming from a purposed evil
Free me so far in your most generous thoughts,
That I have shot mine arrow o'er the house,
And hurt my brother.