The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (912 page)

It's strange.

EDMUND

This is the excellent foppery of the world, that,

when we are sick in fortune,--often the surfeit

of our own behavior,--we make guilty of our

disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars: as

if we were villains by necessity; fools by

heavenly compulsion; knaves, thieves, and

treachers, by spherical predominance; drunkards,

liars, and adulterers, by an enforced obedience of

planetary influence; and all that we are evil in,

by a divine thrusting on: an admirable evasion

of whoremaster man, to lay his goatish

disposition to the charge of a star! My

father compounded with my mother under the

dragon's tail; and my nativity was under Ursa

major; so that it follows, I am rough and

lecherous. Tut, I should have been that I am,

had the maidenliest star in the firmament

twinkled on my bastardizing. Edgar--

Enter EDGAR

And pat he comes like the catastrophe of the old

comedy: my cue is villanous melancholy, with a

sigh like Tom o' Bedlam. O, these eclipses do

portend these divisions! fa, sol, la, mi.

This is the great stupidity of the world, that,

when things go against us–often due to

our own behaviour–we blame the sun,

the moon, and the stars for disasters: as if

we were forced to be villains; the heavens

made us fools; the stars forced us to be knaves,

thieves and traitors; we are only drunkards,

liars, and adulterers because of the influence

of the planets; and we blame everything we do wrong

on the influence of heaven: what a great excuse

for these sluttish men, to blame their randy nature

on the stars! My father mated with my mother under

the sign of the Dragon, and I was born under Ursa

major; so it follows that I must be rough and

lecherous. What nonsense, I would have been the person I am,

if the most chaste star in the sky had shone

on my bastard conception.

And here he comes, like the denouement of an old comedy,

I shall look deeply sad, sighing like a mad beggar.

Oh! How the eclipses signal divisions! Tra la, tra la…

EDGAR

How now, brother Edmund! what serious

contemplation are you in?

Hello there, brother Edmund! What are you

thinking about so seriously?

EDMUND

I am thinking, brother, of a prediction I read

this other day, what should follow these eclipses.

I'm thinking, brother, of a horoscope I read

the other day saying what effects these eclipses would have.

EDGAR

Do you busy yourself about that?

Are you wasting your time with that?

EDMUND

I promise you, the effects he writes of succeed

unhappily; as of unnaturalness between the child

and the parent; death, dearth, dissolutions of

ancient amities; divisions in state, menaces and

maledictions against king and nobles; needless

diffidences, banishment of friends, dissipation

of cohorts, nuptial breaches, and I know not what.

I can assure you that unfortunately the consequences

he writes of are happening; such as separations

between children and parents; death, famine, the breaking

of ancient alliances; splits in government, threats and curses

against the King and nobility; baseless

suspicions, the exile of friends, desertion of

soldiers, breaking of marriages, and heaven knows what else.

EDGAR

How long have you been a sectary astronomical?

How long have you been an astrologer?

EDMUND

Come, come; when saw you my father last?

Never mind that; when did you last see my father?

EDGAR

Why, the night gone by.

Why, last night.

EDMUND

Spake you with him?

Did you speak with him?

EDGAR

Ay, two hours together.

Yes, for a whole two hours.

EDMUND

Parted you in good terms? Found you no

displeasure in him by word or countenance?

Did you part on good terms? Didn't you notice

anything in his words or appearance that showed displeasure?

EDGAR

None at all.

Nothing at all.

EDMUND

Bethink yourself wherein you may have offended

him: and at my entreaty forbear his presence

till some little time hath qualified the heat of

his displeasure; which at this instant so rageth

in him, that with the mischief of your person it

would scarcely allay.

Try and think how you might have offended him;

take my advice, steer clear of him until

time has cooled his anger;

at the moment he is so boiling with it

that he would hardly be able to keep his hands off you.

EDGAR

Some villain hath done me wrong.

Some villain has been speaking against me.

EDMUND

That's my fear. I pray you, have a continent

forbearance till the spied of his rage goes

slower; and, as I say, retire with me to my

lodging, from whence I will fitly bring you to

hear my lord speak: pray ye, go; there's my key:

if you do stir abroad, go armed.

That's what I'm worried about. I'm begging you

to be patient until he calms down;

and I advise you to come with me to my

lodgings, and I'll bring you to talk to him

when the time is right: go on, I'm telling you; here's my key:

if you do go out, go armed.

EDGAR

Armed, brother!

Armed, brother!

EDMUND

Brother, I advise you to the best; go armed: I

am no honest man if there be any good meaning

towards you: I have told you what I have seen

and heard; but faintly, nothing like the image

and horror of it: pray you, away.

Brother, I'm telling you for the best, go armed:

I would be lying if I said that things were all right;

I have told you what I have seen and heard, but

I've just given you an outline, nothing like

the horrible reality: off you go, please.

EDGAR

Shall I hear from you anon?

Will I hear from you soon?

EDMUND

I do serve you in this business.

Exit EDGAR

A credulous father! and a brother noble,

Whose nature is so far from doing harms,

That he suspects none: on whose foolish honesty

My practises ride easy! I see the business.

Let me, if not by birth, have lands by wit:

All with me's meet that I can fashion fit.

Exit

I'm at your service.

A gullible father! And a noble brother,

whose nature is so good he does not suspect

evil in others: his foolish honesty

helps my plots! I can see the way forward.

If I can't have lands as a birthright, let me get them through cunning:

for me the end justifies the means.

Enter GONERIL, and OSWALD, her steward

GONERIL

Did my father strike my gentleman for chiding of his fool?

Did my father hit my servant for criticising his fool?

OSWALD

Yes, madam.

Yes, madam.

GONERIL

By day and night he wrongs me; every hour

He flashes into one gross crime or other,

That sets us all at odds: I'll not endure it:

His knights grow riotous, and himself upbraids us

On every trifle. When he returns from hunting,

I will not speak with him; say I am sick:

If you come slack of former services,

You shall do well; the fault of it I'll answer.

He does me wrong day and night; not an hour

goes by without some sort of explosion from him

that upsets everything: I won't put up with it:

his knights are rowdy, and he criticises me

for every little thing. When he comes back from hunting

I will not speak to him; say I am ill:

I will be pleased if you show him less courtesy

than you used to; I'll defend you.

OSWALD

He's coming, madam; I hear him.

Horns within

He's coming, madam; I can hear him.

GONERIL

Put on what weary negligence you please,

You and your fellows; I'll have it come to question:

If he dislike it, let him to our sister,

Whose mind and mine, I know, in that are one,

Not to be over-ruled. Idle old man,

That still would manage those authorities

That he hath given away! Now, by my life,

Old fools are babes again; and must be used

With cheques as flatteries,--when they are seen abused.

Remember what I tell you.

You and your comrades should be as lazy

and negligent towards him as you like, I want it to come to a head:

if he doesn't like it, let him go to my sister,

who I know shares my feeling that

we won't be bossed by him. Lazy old man,

who still wants to use the power

that he has given away! I swear,

old fools go back to being babies; they have to be

disciplined as well as comforted, when they misbehave.

Remember what I say.

OSWALD

Well, madam.

Very good, madam.

GONERIL

And let his knights have colder looks among you;

What grows of it, no matter; advise your fellows so:

I would breed from hence occasions, and I shall,

That I may speak: I'll write straight to my sister,