The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (925 page)

Burn my white head! And you, all shaking thunder,

smash the thick round world flat!

Crack the moulds and destroy all the seeds

that nature uses to make ungrateful man.

Fool

O nuncle, court holy-water in a dry

house is better than this rain-water out o' door.

Good nuncle, in, and ask thy daughters' blessing:

here's a night pities neither wise man nor fool.

Oh nuncle, having to be flattering in a dry

house is better than getting soaked out here.

Good nuncle, let's go in and ask for your daughters' blessing:

this night won't spare the wise man or the fool.

KING LEAR

Rumble thy bellyful! Spit, fire! spout, rain!

Nor rain, wind, thunder, fire, are my daughters:

I tax not you, you elements, with unkindness;

I never gave you kingdom, call'd you children,

You owe me no subscription: then let fall

Your horrible pleasure: here I stand, your slave,

A poor, infirm, weak, and despised old man:

But yet I call you servile ministers,

That have with two pernicious daughters join'd

Your high engender'd battles 'gainst a head

So old and white as this. O! O! 'tis foul!

Rumble to your heart's content!  Spit, fire! Spout, rain!

Rain, wind, thunder, nor fire, are not my daughters:

I don't charge you, elements, with unkindness;

I never gave you a kingdom, called you my children,

you owe me nothing: let your horrible

course run free: here I stand, your slave,

a poor, infirm, weak and despised old man:

I call you serving agents,

joining with two wicked daughters

in your heavenly attacks on a head

as old and white as this. Oh ho! It's terrible.

Fool

He that has a house to put's head in has a good

head-piece.

The cod-piece that will house

Before the head has any,

The head and he shall louse;

So beggars marry many.

The man that makes his toe

What he his heart should make

Shall of a corn cry woe,

And turn his sleep to wake.

For there was never yet fair woman but she made

mouths in a glass.

The one with a roof over his head

has a good hat.

Someone who sleeps with a woman

before he has a roof

will end up married, sharing her lice;

so beggars marry many.

The man who thinks his toe

is  as important as his heart

will get sorrow from a corn

and that will keep him awake.

I never saw a beautiful woman yet

who didn't make faces in the mirror.

KING LEAR

No, I will be the pattern of all patience;

I will say nothing.

Enter KENT

No, I will be a perfect example of patience;

I will say nothing.

KENT

Who's there?

Who's there?

Fool

Marry, here's grace and a cod-piece; that's a wise

man and a fool.

Here's a king and a codpiece; I mean a wise

man and a fool.

KENT

Alas, sir, are you here? things that love night

Love not such nights as these; the wrathful skies

Gallow the very wanderers of the dark,

And make them keep their caves: since I was man,

Such sheets of fire, such bursts of horrid thunder,

Such groans of roaring wind and rain, I never

Remember to have heard: man's nature cannot carry

The affliction nor the fear.

Alas, sir, are you here? Even things that love the night

don't like nights like these; the angry skies

terrify the beasts of the dark,

and make them stay in their caves: since I became a man

I can never remember such flashing lightning,

such horrid bursts of thunder, such groans

of roaring wind and rain: a man cannot bear

the pain or the fear.

KING LEAR

Let the great gods,

That keep this dreadful pother o'er our heads,

Find out their enemies now. Tremble, thou wretch,

That hast within thee undivulged crimes,

Unwhipp'd of justice: hide thee, thou bloody hand;

Thou perjured, and thou simular man of virtue

That art incestuous: caitiff, to pieces shake,

That under covert and convenient seeming

Hast practised on man's life: close pent-up guilts,

Rive your concealing continents, and cry

These dreadful summoners grace. I am a man

More sinn'd against than sinning.

Let the great gods,

that are causing this terrible row over our heads,

find out who their enemies are now. Anyone who has

secret crimes within them which have gone unpunished

should tremble now: hide your bloody hands

you perjurer, and you, the same type who is

incestuous; you wretch, shake yourself to pieces,

who with secret and silky hypocrisy

has plotted against a man's life; may your secret guilt

burst through your disguise and make you

beg these dreadful judges for mercy. I am a man

who is more sinned against than sinning.

KENT

Alack, bare-headed!

Gracious my lord, hard by here is a hovel;

Some friendship will it lend you 'gainst the tempest:

Repose you there; while I to this hard house--

More harder than the stones whereof 'tis raised;

Which even but now, demanding after you,

Denied me to come in--return, and force

Their scanted courtesy.

Dear me, bare headed!

My gracious lord, there is a shack nearby;

it will give you some protection against the storm:

you rest there, while I go to this hard house–

even harder than the stones it is made of;

even just now, when I asked after you,

they would not let me in–again and force them to

show us some courtesy.

KING LEAR

My wits begin to turn.

Come on, my boy: how dost, my boy? art cold?

I am cold myself. Where is this straw, my fellow?

The art of our necessities is strange,

That can make vile things precious. Come,

your hovel.

Poor fool and knave, I have one part in my heart

That's sorry yet for thee.

I'm beginning to go mad.

Come on, my boy: how are you, my boy? Are you cold?

I am cold myself. Where is this place, my friend?

Necessity is a strange master,

which makes vile things valuable. Come on,

show me your shack.

Poor fool and knave, one part of my heart

is still sorry for you.

Fool

[Singing]

He that has and a little tiny wit--

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,--

Must make content with his fortunes fit,

For the rain it raineth every day.

The one who has a tiny mind–

sing hey, ho, the wind and the rain–

must be happy with whatever he gets,

for the rain comes down every day.

KING LEAR

True, my good boy. Come, bring us to this hovel.

Exeunt KING LEAR and KENT

That's true, my good lad. Come on, bring us to this shack.

Fool

This is a brave night to cool a courtezan.

I'll speak a prophecy ere I go:

When priests are more in word than matter;

When brewers mar their malt with water;

When nobles are their tailors' tutors;

No heretics burn'd, but wenches' suitors;

When every case in law is right;

No squire in debt, nor no poor knight;

When slanders do not live in tongues;

Nor cutpurses come not to throngs;

When usurers tell their gold i' the field;

And bawds and whores do churches build;

Then shall the realm of Albion

Come to great confusion:

Then comes the time, who lives to see't,

That going shall be used with feet.

This prophecy Merlin shall make; for I live before his time.

Exit

This night would cool a harlot's ardour.

I'll make a prediction before I go:

when priests are more about speech than substance,

when brewers water down their beer,

when noblemen start teaching tailors,

when heretics aren't burned but boyfriends are,

when every legal case is just,

 when no squires or poor knights are in debt,

when nobody tells lies,

and pickpockets don't come to crowds,

when moneylenders count their gold in fields,

and pimps and whores build churches,

then the Kingdom of England

will be in great turmoil:

for those who live to see that time,

they'll find all men will have to walk.

Merlin will make this prophecy

because I was born before him.

Enter GLOUCESTER and EDMUND

GLOUCESTER

Alack, alack, Edmund, I like not this unnatural

dealing. When I desire their leave that I might

pity him, they took from me the use of mine own

house; charged me, on pain of their perpetual

displeasure, neither to speak of him, entreat for

him, nor any way sustain him.

Alas, alas, Edmund, I don't like this unnatural

behaviour. When I asked their permission

to pity him, they took away the use of my own

house; they ordered me, on pain of their permanent

hatred, not to speak of him, plead for him,

nor in any way to help him.

EDMUND

Most savage and unnatural!

This is most savage and unnatural!

GLOUCESTER

Go to; say you nothing. There's a division betwixt

the dukes; and a worse matter than that: I have

received a letter this night; 'tis dangerous to be

spoken; I have locked the letter in my closet: