The Confident Woman: Start Today Living Boldly and Without Fear (6 page)

Why Not Women? A Fresh Look at Scripture on Women in Missions, Ministry and Leadership,
by Loren Cunningham and David Joel Hamilton with Janice Rogers. YWAM Publishing, 2000.

Are Women Human?,
by Dorothy L. Sayers, William B. Eermans Publishing Company, Grand Rapids, 1971.

Beyond Sex Roles: What the Bible Says About a Woman’s Place in Church and Family,
by Gilbert Bilezikian, Baker Book House, Grand Rapids, Second Edition, 1993.

Female Ministry: Woman’s Right to Preach the Gospel,
by Catherine Booth, The Salvation Army Supplies Printing and Publishing Department, New York, 1859, reprinted 1975.

What Paul Really Said About Women: An Apostle’s Liberating View on Equality in Marriage, Leadership, and Love,
by John Temple Bristow, Harper and Row, San Francisco, 1988.

Who Said Women Can’t Teach?,
by Charles Trombley, Bridge Publishing, Inc., South Plainfield, 1985.

Chapter Four

SEVEN SECRETS OF A CONFIDENT WOMAN

E
very cause has an effect. If some women are confident while others are not, there must be reasons. I want to examine some of them to help you tap into things that may help you live more confidently and boldly.

She does not fear being unloved, because she knows first and foremost that God loves her unconditionally. To be whole and complete, we need to know that we are loved. Everyone desires and needs love and acceptance from God and others. Although not everyone will accept and love us, some will. I encourage you to concentrate on those who do love you and forget about those who don’t. God certainly does love us, and He can provide others who do as well—if we’ll look to Him and stop making bad choices about whom we bring into our circle of inclusion. I believe we need to have what I call “divine connections.” In other words, pray about your circle of friends. Don’t just decide what social group you want to be part of and then try to get into it. Instead, follow the leading of the Holy Spirit in choosing with whom you want to associate closely.

There are women who feel so bad about themselves that they get involved with men who will hurt them, because they believe that is all they deserve. You need to be around safe people, not people who continue to wound you. God will help you learn to recognize those people if you listen to His wisdom.

Love is the healing balm that the world needs, and God offers it freely and continuously.

The first place to start if you need to be loved is with God. He is a Father who wants to shower love and blessings upon His children. If your natural father did not love you properly, you can now get from God what you missed in your childhood. Love is the healing balm that the world needs, and God offers it freely and continuously. His love is unconditional. He does not love us IF; He simply and for all time loves us. He does not love us because we deserve it; He loves us because He is kind and wants to.

Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy [consecrated and set apart for Him] and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love.

For He foreordained us [destined us, planned in love for us] to be adopted [revealed] as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent]. (
EPHESIANS 1:4, 5)

In all of my books, I include something about the love of God and how important it is for us to receive it fully. I do this because I believe receiving the free gift of God’s unconditional love is the beginning of our healing, and the foundation for our new life in Christ. We cannot love ourselves unless we realize how much God loves us, and if we don’t love ourselves, we cannot love other people. We cannot maintain good, healthy relationships without this foundation of love in our lives.

Many people fail at marriage because they simply don’t love themselves, and therefore they have nothing to give in the relationship. They spend most of their time trying to get from their spouses what only God can give them, which is a sense of their own worth and value.

I grew up in an abusive, dysfunctional atmosphere and was filled with shame, blame, and disgrace by the time I was eighteen. I married very young simply because I was afraid no one would ever want me. A boy of nineteen showed an interest in me, and although I didn’t even know what love was, I married him because I was desperate. He had problems of his own and did not really know how to love me—so the pattern of pain in my life continued. I was repeatedly hurt in that relationship, which ended in divorce after five years.

By the time I met the man I have now been married to since 1967, I was desperate for love but did not know how to receive it, even when it was available. Dave (my husband) really did love me, but I found myself constantly deflecting his love due to the way I felt about myself down deep inside. As I entered into a serious and committed relationship with God, through Jesus Christ, I began to learn about God’s love. But it took a long time to fully accept it. When you feel unlovable, it is hard to get it through your head and down into your heart that God loves you perfectly—even though you are not perfect and never will be as long as you are on the earth.

There is only one thing you can do with a free gift, and that is receive it and be grateful. I urge you to take a step of faith right now and say out loud, “God loves me unconditionally, and I receive His love!” You may have to say it a hundred times a day, like I did for months, before it finally sinks in, but when it does it will be the happiest day of your life. To know that you are loved by someone you can trust is the best and most comforting feeling in the world. God will not only love you that way, but He will also provide other people who will truly love you. When He does provide, be sure to remain thankful for those people. Having people who genuinely love you is one of the most precious gifts in the world.

The Bible says in 1 John 4:18 that the perfect love of God casts out fear. When fear does not rule us, we are free to be bold and confident.

God loves you! God loves you! God loves you! Believe it and receive it!

“I will not fear” is the only acceptable attitude we can have toward fear. That does not mean that we will never
feel
fear, but it does mean that we will not allow it to rule our decisions and actions. The Bible says that God has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). Fear is not from God; it is the devil’s tool to keep people from enjoying their lives and making progress. Fear causes a person to run, retreat, or shrink back. The Bible says in Hebrews 10:38 that we are to live by faith and not draw back in fear—and if we do draw back in fear, God’s soul has no delight in us. That does not mean that God does not love us; it simply means that He is disappointed because He wants us to experience all of the good things He has in His plan for us. We can receive from God only by faith.

We should strive to do everything with a spirit of faith. Faith is confidence in God and a belief that His promises are true. When a person begins to walk in faith, Satan immediately tries to hinder her through many things, including fear. Faith will cause a person to go forward, to try new things, and to be aggressive. I believe fear is the main evil force that Satan uses against people. Fear causes people to bury their talents due to fear of failure, judgment, or criticism. It causes them to draw back in misery and live in torment.

Unless we make a firm decision to “fear not,” we will never be free from the power of it. I encourage you to be firm in your resolve to do whatever you need to do, even if you have to “
do it afraid!”
To “do it afraid
”
means to feel the fear and do what you believe you should do anyway. The only thing we really need to do is fear God, reverentially.

Satan is a liar. He lies to people and places images on the picture screen of their minds that show defeat and embarrassment. For this reason, we need to know God’s promises (His Word) so we can cast down the lies of the enemy and refuse to listen to him.

Fear seems to be an epidemic in our society. Are you afraid of anything? Is it rejection, failure, the past, the future, loneliness, driving, aging, the dark, heights, life, or death? The list of fears that people experience can be endless. Satan never runs out of new fears to place in any individual’s life. At least not until they firmly make their mind up that they will not live in fear. You can trade in pain and paralysis for power and excitement. Learn to live beyond your feelings. Don’t allow feelings of any kind to dominate you, but instead remember that feelings are fickle. They are ever-changing. The bad ones are there when you wish they weren’t, and the good ones disappear when you need them most.

God wants to teach us to walk in the Spirit, not the flesh, and that includes emotions. We cannot walk in the vanity of our own mind, in our feelings or our own will and ever experience victory in our lives. God says,
“Fear not,”
and we must be determined that we will obey Him in this area. Fear may present itself as a feeling but if we refuse to bow down to it—that is all it is . . . a feeling! Think about it: Should you be intimidated by a mere feeling? (The subject of fear will be dealt with extensively later in the book).

Confidence and negativity do not go together. They are like oil and water; they simply do not mix. I used to be a very negative woman, but, thank God, I finally learned that being positive is much more fun and fruitful. Being positive or negative is a choice—it is a way of thinking, speaking, and acting. Either one comes from a habit that has been formed in our lives through repetitious behavior. You may be like me. I simply got off to a bad start in life. I grew up in a negative atmosphere around negative people. They were my role models, and I became like them. I really didn’t even realize my negative attitude was a problem until I married Dave in 1967. He was very positive and began asking me why I was so negative. I had never really thought about it, but as I began to, I realized that I was always that way. No wonder my life was so negative. I began to understand that I was expecting nothing good—and that is exactly what I got.

People don’t enjoy being around an individual who is negative so I often felt rejected—which added to my fears and lack of confidence. Being negative opened the door for a lot of problems and disappointments, which in turn fueled my negativity. It took time for me to change, but I am convinced that if I can change, anybody can. Fear is the dark room where all of your negatives are developed, so why not look at the brighter side of life? Why not believe something good is going to happen to you? If you think you are protecting yourself from being disappointed by not expecting anything good, you are mistaken. You are living in disappointment if you are doing that. Every day is filled with disappointment if all your thoughts and expectations are negative. What is wrong with looking at the sun instead of the clouds? What is wrong with seeing the glass half full instead of half empty?

When encouraged to think positively, people often retort, “That is not reality.” But the truth is that positive thinking can change your current reality. God is positive, and that is His reality. It is the way He is, the way He thinks, and the way He encourages us to be. He says that all things can work out for good if we love Him and want His will in our lives (Romans 8:28). He says we should always believe the best of every person (1 Corinthians 13:7).

It has been said that 90% of what we worry about never happens. Why do people assume that being negative is more realistic than being positive? It is a simple matter of whether we want to look at things from God’s perspective or Satan’s. Who is doing your thinking for you? Are you doing your own thinking, choosing your thoughts carefully or, are you passively thinking whatever kind of thoughts that fill your mind? What is the origin of your thoughts? Are they agreeing with Scripture? If they are not, then they didn’t originate with God.

A person is not a failure because she tried some things that did not work out. She fails only when she stops trying.

Thinking negatively makes you miserable. Why be miserable when you can be happy?

Thinking negatively prevents you from being aggressive, bold, and confident. Why not think positively and walk with confidence?

We don’t need to see setbacks as failures. A person is not a failure because she tried some things that did not work out. She fails only when she stops trying. Most of the people who are huge successes failed their way to success. Instead of allowing mistakes to stop you, let them train you. I always say that if I step out and try something and it does not work, at least I know not to do that again.

Many people are confused about what they are to do with their lives. They don’t know what God’s will is for them; they are without direction. I felt the same way once, but I discovered my destiny by trying several things. I tried working in the nursery at church and quickly discovered that I was not called to work with children. I tried being my pastor’s secretary, and after one day I was fired with no explanation except, “This just isn’t right.” I was devastated at first, until a short while later I was asked to start a weekly meeting on Thursday mornings at church and teach God’s Word. I quickly found where I fit. I could have spent my life being confused, but I thank God that I was confident enough to step out and discover what was right for me. I did it through the process of elimination, and I experienced some disappointments—but it all worked out well in the end.

If you are doing nothing with your life because you are not sure what to do, then I recommend that you pray and begin trying some things. It won’t take long before you will feel comfortable with something. It will be a perfect fit for you. Think of it this way: When you go out to buy a new outfit, you probably try on several things until you find what fits right, is comfortable, and looks good on you. Why not try the same thing with discovering your destiny? Obviously there are some things you cannot just “try”—like being an astronaut or the President of the United States—but one thing is for sure: You cannot drive a parked car. Get your life out of “park,” and get moving in some direction. I don’t suggest going deep in debt to find out if you should own a business, but you could begin in some small way, and, if it works, take it to the next level. As we take steps of faith, our destinies unfold. A confident woman is not afraid to make mistakes, and if she does, she recovers and presses on.

One of the great things about a relationship with God is that He always provides new beginnings. His Word says that His mercy is new every day. Jesus chose disciples who had weaknesses and made mistakes, but He continued working with them and helping them become all that they could be. He will do the same thing for you, if you will let Him. The apostle Paul emphatically said that it was important to let go of what lies behind and press toward the things ahead (Philippians 3:13). Don’t be afraid of your past; it has no power over you except what you give it. Not letting the past dictate your future is part of the confident lifestyle.

Recovering from pain or disappointment of any kind is not something that just happens to some people and not to others. It is a decision! You make a decision to let go and go on. You learn from your mistakes. You gather up the fragments and give them to Jesus, and He will make sure that nothing is wasted (John 6:12). You refuse to think about what you have lost, but instead you inventory what you have left and begin using it. Not only can you recover, but you can also be used to help other people recover. Be a living example of a confident woman who always recovers from setbacks no matter how difficult or frequent they are. Don’t ever say, “I just cannot go on.” Instead, say, “I can do whatever I need to do through Christ who strengthens me. I will never quit, because God is on my side.”