The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (5 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
E
: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use …”
C
USTOMER
: “But how do I do that?”
M
E
: “You mean … how do you actually give him a bath?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes, how do I do that?”
M
E
: “Just like you’d bathe your kids … the puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bathtub …”
C
USTOMER
: “But how do I bathe him?”
(At this point, I look at the woman’s three children and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)
M
E
: “Umm … you put water on him … err … you know, we have full-service grooming here, it includes a bath, we’ll do everything for you … cut his toenails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”
C
USTOMER
: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”
M
E
: “It’s WATER!”
P
ET
S
TORE
| C
HICAGO
, I
LLINOIS
C
USTOMER
: “I need some carpet cleaner for pet messes.”
M
E
: “Okay, they’re right over here.”
C
USTOMER
: “I want some really, really heavy-duty stuff.”
M
E
: “Well, this is our strongest formula. The instructions say you soak the area, drop a cloth over it, wait a few hours for it to dry, then come back and—”
C
USTOMER
: “No, no, that’s too much work. I want something you can just pour over the spot and it disappears.”
M
E
: “You mean like one of those commercials?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes!”
M
E
: “Have you tried [cleaning formula]?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes, but it doesn’t work like it does in the commercials. I don’t want to scrub, I don’t even want to wipe it up. I just want to pour it on and not worry about it. I don’t care about toxic chemicals or anything. I just want it to clean up the stain.”
M
E
: “I can’t think of anything that won’t burn a hole in your carpet.”
C
USTOMER
: “C’mon! Isn’t there something that’ll just target the pet stain and I won’t have to work too hard!”
M
E
: “… magic?”
G
ROCERY
S
TORE
| P
ANAMA
C
ITY
B
EACH
, F
LORIDA
M
E
: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”
O
LDER CALLER
: “Ma’am, do y’all sell olive oil?”
M
E
: “Yes, ma’am.”
O
LDER CALLER
: “But do you have it in a can?”
M
E
: “I’ve never seen one, but I know we have it in bottles of varying—”
O
LDER CALLER
: “Could you check for me?”
(I go down the aisle and sure enough, we carry massive three-liter tin containers.)
M
E
: “Ma’am, sorry about the wait. But to answer your question, we do have it in large three-liter cans as well as bottles of varying size. If you want I can pull one off the shelf and hold it at the Service De—”
O
LDER CALLER
: “So you DO have olive oil in a can?”
M
E
: “Yes, ma’am. Aisle four.”
O
LDER CALLER
: “WELL, YOU BETTER TELL HER THAT POPEYE’S LOOKIN’ FOR HER!”*hangs up*
H
AIR
S
ALON
| N
ORWAY
(One day a lady walked into our hair salon and said she had an appointment. We looked through the client list but couldn’t find it.)
M
E
: “Sorry, but I can’t find your appointment here. Are you sure it was today?”
C
USTOMER
: “Of course! I demand an appointment now!”
M
E
: “Well, I’m really sorry. I can’t find you on the system. We’re booked out today, but I can put up a new appointment for you if you want.”
C
USTOMER
: “This is bull! I booked an appointment a long time ago. Give me an appointment now, or I’ll call the police!”
M
E
: “Well, what were you going to do? Maybe I can fit you in between two other clients.”
C
USTOMER
: “I was going to get my eyes checked and get new glasses!”
M
E
: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, the optical store is next door.”
C
USTOMER
: “Uh … well…” *gives me a dirty look and leaves*
G
ROCERY
S
TORE
| N
EW
B
RUNSWICK
, C
ANADA
(A customer comes up to the front counter and places a roll of cookies on the desk.)
C
USTOMER
: “These cookies always seem crumbled when I buy them.”
M
E
: “Oh?”
C
USTOMER
: “People must knock them off the shelf. You guys should get a stand for them. I know you have them!”
M
E
: “Well, I’ll tell the manager and I’ll see what I can do.”
C
USTOMER
: “I can usually tell if they’re crumbled, just by squeezing them…”
(She grips the roll and it becomes evident that they’re crushed.)
C
USTOMER
: “… see?”
M
E
: “Okay, I’ll come with you to the display and we’ll find you some cookies that aren’t crumbled.”
C
USTOMER
: “Fine.”
(We walk to the display, and I grab a random one off the shelf.)
M
E
: “This one looks all right.”
C
USTOMER
: “Here, let me see it…”
(She grips the bag tightly.)
C
USTOMER
: “See?!”
M
E
: “Well, let’s try this one.”
(I open a package slightly to see their condition, and then pass it to the customer. She grips the bag again.)
C
USTOMER
: “Nope.”
M
E
: “Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but I think YOU’RE the one crumbling them.”
C
USTOMER
: “Just what are you insinuating?”
M
E
: “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to show the manager.”
(I go into the back room and open a fresh package completely. The cookies are all in perfect condition. I tape the wrapper back on and I return to the customer.)
M
E
: “Can you tell me if these cookies are crumbled?”
(The customer picks it up, grips it, and nods that the cookies are crumbled.)
M
E
: “Those weren’t crumbled when I opened it.”
(I show her a picture of it that I took with my cell phone with the identification number on the roll in the next picture. A wide-eyed expression flashes across the customer’s face.)
C
USTOMER
: “Oh dear, it seems I’m late. I had better leave.”
M
E
: “All right, see you later, ma’am.”
(I go to the back room with all the crumpled packages and put a Post-It on them saying they are damaged. Surprisingly, when I return to the front counter I find $40 on it and a note that says: “Sorry, this should cover the last twelve months!”)
L
IBRARY
| B
OSTON
, M
ASSACHUSETTS
(A library patron comes to the desk with her laptop.)
P
ATRON
: “I’m having problems getting on the Internet.”
M
E
: “Well, if you’re connecting wirelessly, you need to log on to our network with your e-mail address—”
P
ATRON
: “I know that! I’m not stupid. I put in my e-mail and password and it won’t connect me!”
M
E
: “Okay, why don’t you try and log in here, and I’ll see if I can help.”
P
ATRON
: *logs on* “See! I enter everything and then it says ‘Not connecting you to the Internet.’ ‘It’s been doing this for the past half hour … I keep closing it and trying again!”
M
E
: “Uh, that says ‘Now connecting you to the Internet.’”
P
ATRON
: “No it doesn’t! It says ‘Not connecting you to the Internet’!”
M
E
: “What’s that word?”
P
ATRON
: “Now!”
M
E
: “And the others?”
P
ATRON
: “Connecting you to the … erm. I have to go now.”
F
ABRIC
S
TORE
| A
THENS
, G
EORGIA
C
USTOMER
: “Excuse me, miss! Do you know how much fabric I need to upholster a chair?”
M
E
: “Well, ma’am, how big is the chair?”
(The customer turns around and points directly at her rear end.)
C
USTOMER
: “Big enough for THIS!”
H
OME
I
MPROVEMENT
S
TORE
| R
ICHMOND
, V
IRGINIA
(I am watering the plants in the nursery, about two hours before closing time, and see a customer down the aisle.)
M
E
: “Can I help you find anything, sir?”
C
USTOMER
: “Uh … uh …”