The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (7 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
C
USTOMER
: “Why?”
M
E
: “… because it’s good for the earth?”
C
USTOMER
: “What has the earth ever done for me?”
M
E
: “Oxygen, sir?”
F
ROZEN
Y
OGURT
S
HOP
| P
ASADENA
, C
ALIFORNIA
C
USTOMER
: “Are you Hispanic?”
M
E
: “No.”
C
USTOMER
: “Middle Eastern?”
M
E
: “No.”
C
USTOMER
: “Egyptian?”
M
E
: “No.”
C
USTOMER
: “What are you?”
M
E
: “Chinese.”
(Customer puts on offended face.)
C
USTOMER
: “I don’t appreciate you treating me like I’m dumb.”
M
E
: “Excuse me? I’m being honest.”
C
USTOMER
: “No CHINESE PERSON WOULD EVER HAVE EYES AS BIG AS YOURS!!!”
M
E
: *mouth wide open*
S
PORTING
G
OODS
S
TORE
| B
ALTIMORE
, M
ARYLAND
C
USTOMER
: “Let me see that knife in the case.”
M
E
: “Here ya go.”
C
USTOMER
: “I don’t think this knife is sharp enough.”
M
E
: “Really?”
(The customer pulls the blade across his palm, slicing his hand open and spilling blood all over the floor.)
C
USTOMER
: “I guess it is.”
M
E
: “Would you like some paper towels?”
P
IZZA
D
ELIVERY
| L
IMA
, O
HIO
M
E
: “Thanks for calling [pizza delivery]. How can I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yeah, what size pizzas do y’all have?”
M
E
: “We have ten-, twelve-, and fourteen-inch pizzas.”
C
USTOMER
: “How big is the twelve-inch pizza?”
M
E
: “Um …”
C
USTOMER
: “Never mind, let me get a twelve-inch … and will y’all cut that into squares?”
M
E
: “Sure, we can do that.”
C
USTOMER
: “Good, because then there will be more pizza!”
R
ESTAURANT
| A
LASKA
T
OURIST
: “Are you from here?”
M
E
: “Yes.”
T
OURIST
: “We are here to see the whales.”
M
E
: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”
T
OURIST
: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”
M
E
: *trying not laugh* “Urn … yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”
T
OURIST
: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s a big tip in it for you.”
M
E
: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around 2 a.m., make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around. It will make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the sand with their fins, and lay their eggs.”
(I always wondered if she went.)
C
ALL
C
ENTER
| C
ONCORD
, C
ALIFORNIA
M
E
: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in two days to fix your dishwasher.”
C
USTOMER
: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”
M
E
: “jokingly* ”For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”
C
USTOMER
: “Okay, great! Can I put that on my store card?”
M
E
: “Um … I was just kidding, ma’am.”
C
USTOMER
: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”
(After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)
B
OSS
: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”
M
E
: “I was just joking!”
B
OSS
: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”
P
ARKING
L
OT
| T
ORONTO
, O
NTARIO
(A customer is trying to get a ticket from the machine at the entrance.)
C
USTOMER
: “Excuse me, sir, how do I get a ticket from the machine?”
M
E
: “You just push the button in the middle.”
C
USTOMER
: “What button?!”
M
E
: “It’s the only one, right in the middle.”
C
USTOMER
: “Where?”
M
E
: “There’s only one button … it’s green … and it’s flashing.”
C
USTOMER
: “You guys should make it more obvious that this is a button!”
P
IZZERIA
| F
LORIDA
(It is literally three minutes before closing time, and someone calls us.)
D
RUNK CUSTOMER
: “Ehhhhhh, hello?”
M
E
: “Sir, we are at closing time.”
D
RUNK CUSTOMER
: “Oh … well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”
M
E
: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”
D
RUNK CUSTOMER
: “Okay, can you just… uuuhhhhh … make me a pizza really fast then?”
M
E
: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”
D
RUNK CUSTOMER
: “COME ON! IT’S 10:00 P.M., I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”
M
E
: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”
D
RUNK CUSTOMER
: *suddenly calm* “Okay … I’ll go to McDonald’s.”
M
E
: “Good night, sir.”
D
RUNK CUSTOMER
: “Good night… I love you …”*hangs up*
(Quite frankly, it made my day.)
L
AW
F
IRM
| R
ICHMOND
, V
IRGINIA
M
E
: “[Law firm], how may I direct your call?”
C
ALLER
: “I can fly!”
M
E
: “I’m sorry?”
C
ALLER
: “I can fly! Can you fly?”
M
E
: “Uh … not without an airplane.”
C
ALLER
: “Oh, so you’ve never flown just by yourself?”
M
E
: “Not really…”
C
ALLER
: “Oh. Do you like rainbows?”
M
E
: “Rainbows are … pretty cool…”
C
ALLER
: “How about sparkles?”
M
E
: “Sure …”
C
ALLER
: “Yeah, I like them a lot.”
M
E
: “Uh-huh.”
C
ALLER
: “I can fly!”
M
E
: “That’s great! Did you want to talk to somebody in particular?”
C
ALLER
: “Oh! No, not really.”
M
E
: “Okay, then thanks for calling!”
C
ALLER
: “Okay, bye!”
G
ROCERY
S
TORE
| Q
UEENSLAND
, A
USTRALIA
(We’re running a promotion at our grocery store where if you make the manager laugh, you’ll get a free cucumber. A customer walks into our store and starts randomly bumping into things.)
M
ANAGER
: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you today?”
D
AZED WOMAN
: “Could I get some reading glasses and a glasses case, please?”
(My manager assumes the customer is making a joke for the promotion, laughs, and hands her a cucumber.)
D
AZED WOMAN
: “Thank you. How much?”
M
ANAGER
: “It’s free.”
D
AZED WOMAN
: “WOW! That’s service!”
(My manager goes back to the counter.)
M
E
: “What was that about?”
M
ANAGER
: “Oh, she made me laugh. She made a joke about glasses.”
M
E
: “I don’t think she was kidding about the glasses.”
M
ANAGER
: “… and why is that?”
M
E
: “Because she’s asking the mango cart to open her glasses case.”
B
RICKYARD
| E
DMONTON
, A
LBERTA
(A customer “drops” a brick, giving it a little chip. He then proceeds to join the line.)
C
ASHIER
: “Hello, sir, how can I help?”
C
USTOMER
: “There’s a chip in this brick. I’d like to get a discount, please.”
C
ASHIER
: “I’m sorry, sir, only cracks or serious fractures would warrant a discount on bricks. A chip won’t damage the function or stability of the brick.”
(The customer proceeds to lift up the brick and forcefully drop it on the ground.)
C
USTOMER
: “Now it’s broken! Can I get a discount now?”
C
ASHIER
: “No, but you can sure as heck pay for that.”
L
IBRARY
| O
SKALOOSA
, I
OWA
(A library patron flags down my coworker. He’s having trouble filling out an online job application at one of our computer terminals.)
P
ATRON
: “Um, I need your help. Why won’t my computer let me continue to the next page?”