The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (11 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
E:
“Okay, that’ll be $1.84. Would you like me to leave some room for cream?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, please.”
(I bring her the coffee with a little bit of room at the top.)
C
USTOMER:
“You didn’t fill my coffee all the way full!”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, ma’am. I thought you wanted some room for cream.”
C
USTOMER:
“I do, but I don’t want you scamming me out of any coffee! If I pay $5 for a cup of coffee, I want my money’s worth!”
M
E:
“But, ma’am, I can’t fill the cup all the way to the top if you want to put cream in the coffee. It will spill over.”
C
USTOMER:
“I don’t care, just fill it!”
(I fill the coffee cup up to the brim and hand it back to the customer. She then goes around the corner, out of my view, to the cream and sugar counter. She comes back forty-five seconds later with a large coffee stain on the front of her shirt.)
C
USTOMER:
“LOOK AT ME! YOU MADE ME GET COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF!”
C
OFFEE
S
HOP |
V
ENTURA,
C
ALIFORNIA
(Woman walks in totally nude and grabs a muffin. She has a large, rather offensive tattoo from her bottom rib up to her neck.)
M
E:
“Ma’am, you can’t just take those …”
N
UDIST:
“Why, because of the tattoo?”
M
E:
“No, because you need to pay for it first.”
N
UDIST:
“It’s a free country!” *walks out*
(I end up pulling out my wallet and paying for it myself, because getting arrested for chasing a nude chick down the street is not worth it.)
P
EST
C
ONTROL |
C
HESTERFIELD,
V
IRGINIA
(I’m visiting an apartment that has a bug problem; it’s mostly due to multiple cleanliness issues.)
C
USTOMER:
“What can I do to get rid of these bugs?”
M
E:
“I’d remove the trash, and dirt, and clean up all the spills so they have nothing to eat.”
C
USTOMER:
“Where?”
(I show the customer several areas.)
M
E:
“See this on the wall? That buildup needs to be removed so they can’t eat it.”
C
USTOMER:
“Sorry, my son got sick there yesterday. I don’t know what to clean it with. Do you?”
M
E:
“Umm, soap and water?”
C
USTOMER:
*shocked look* “Soap and water? You mean that REALLY works?”
Z
OO
| N
EW
Y
ORK,
N
EW
Y
ORK
C
USTOMER:
“Hey, you!”
M
E:
“How can I help you, ma’am?”
C
USTOMER:
“These bears are extremely boring. I paid money to see the animals move around.”
M
E:
“It’s very hot today, ma’am. Bears don’t like to move around much on hot days, and they sleep at least sixteen hours out of the day anyway.”
C
USTOMER:
“I don’t care if it’s hot outside. Why won’t they do anything?”
M
E:
“Ma’am, the bears are not required to move around for your entertainment.”
C
USTOMER:
“Well, they should be!”
M
E:
“They’re wild animals, ma’am. If they don’t want to move around, they don’t have to.”
C
USTOMER:
“I want to see your superior! Maybe he will understand!”
M
ANAGER:
“What seems to be the problem here?”
C
USTOMER:
“These bears are boring!”
M
ANAGER:
*tells her what I said about hot days*
C
USTOMER:
“Go poke them or something. Make them move!”
M
E:
“You’re asking me to go into an enclosed area with a group of thousand-pound carnivores, and poke them with a stick so that they can amuse you?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes! Just make them do something!”
R
ETAIL |
L
AS
V
EGAS,
N
EVADA
(A customer puts several brightly colored plastic Easter eggs that have toys inside of them on the counter.)
C
USTOMER:
“I want to return these.”
C
LERK:
“I
S
there a problem with them?”
C
USTOMER:
“I only let my kids play with educational toys, and these aren’t good for them.”
C
LERK:
“Okay.”
C
USTOMER:
“They have dinosaurs in them! But dinosaurs didn’t hatch from eggs!”
C
LERK:
“Actually, ma’am, they did.”
C
USTOMER:
“You can’t tell me that something that big came out of an egg. What do you know anyways, did you even finish high school? Look at where you work! I need educational toys for my kids.”
C
LERK:
“I will be more than happy to return them. Did you want to exchange them for something else?”
(The customer then puts several more eggs on the counter.)
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, these with the aliens. I only want toys for my children that are accurate.”
R
ESTAURANT |
B
RADENTON,
F
LORIDA
M
E:
“Hello! Welcome to [restaurant].”
(I begin pouring water, as is customary at any restaurant.)
W
OMAN:
“We didn’t ASK for water.”
M
E:
“Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. Should I bring you something else?”
W
OMAN:
*sighs* “No! No! No! Fine! We’ll take the darn water.”
(I proceed to bring her the menu, and she complains incessantly about everything she can think of until finally her entrée comes out.)
W
OMAN:
“This isn’t what I ordered.”
M
E:
“Ma’am, this is what you ordered. I can show you the bill … it’s clearly written that this is what you ordered.”
W
OMAN:
“No it’s not! I DID NOT ORDER THIS!”
M
E:
“You did now …”
W
OMAN, TO HUSBAND:
“Come on, let’s leave!”
H
USBAND:
“Why? Because you’re being a pain?”
G
ROCERY
S
TORE |
P
ENNSYLVANIA
C
USTOMER:
“Excuse me, could you help me find something?”
C
OWORKER:
“Sure, what do you need?”
C
USTOMER:
“Uhh, it’s white and fluffy, and smells good. Oh, and it’s grainy!”
C
OWORKER:
“You mean … bread?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, that!”
G
AS
S
TATION |
P
ITTSBURGH,
P
ENNSYLVANIA
M
E:
“Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”
W
OMAN:
“Oh, when is your baby due?”
M
E:
“I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”
W
OMAN:
“That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”
M
E:
*gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”
W
OMAN:
“No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”
M
E:
“Thank you, ma’am, and have a nice day.”
W
OMAN:
“LIAR!”
M
OVIE
T
HEATER |
L
ONDON,
U
NITED
K
INGDOM
C
USTOMER:
“T
WO
tickets for
Beverly Hills Chihuahua,
please.”
M
E:
“Certainly, sir, although I have to let you know that this showing has subtitles.”
C
USTOMER:
“What are they? Is it in a foreign language?”
M
E:
“No, sir, the film is in English. It just has the written text at the bottom of the screen in a small black bar. It’s fairly unobtrusive.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, I get it! It’s for the blind!”
R
ETAIL |
N
EBRASKA
(I work at the photo department and am checking out a customer with a “Happy Birthday, Grandson!” birthday card.)
C
USTOMER:
“Hello … I only have this one birthday card.”
M
E:
“Okay, that’ll be $3.15. I just need your signature on the line, please.”
(The customer begins to sign her receipt, then pauses. She looks closely at the slip, then looks up at me, angry.)
C
USTOMER:
“N
OW
how does this know who I am?!”
M
E:
“… Excuse me?”
C
USTOMER:
“It has my name on it! Right here, below the line! I have never shopped here before. Where did you get my information?”
M
E:
“Ma’am, the information comes from your credit card.”
C
USTOMER:
“Well!”
(She signs the slip and gives it to me. I put the slip in the register drawer.)