The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (13 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
T
ECH
S
UPPORT |
D
ALLAS,
T
EXAS
C
USTOMER:
“Hi, I just bought this machine. I hooked it up as per the manual and it won’t turn on.”
M
E:
“Did you plug it in?”
C
USTOMER:
“Of course. I’m not an idiot.”
M
E:
“Did you turn off the surge-master?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes.”
M
E:
“Double-checked all the wires?”
C
USTOMER:
“For God’s sake, YES! It was fairly simple; it’s all color-coded. You’d have to be a moron to make a mistake.”
M
E:
“Okay … why don’t you tell me what you did?”
C
USTOMER:
“I unpacked it, plugged all the wires in, and then plugged it into my outlet.”
M
E:
“Then?”
C
USTOMER:
“Then I put the accelerator on the floor and stepped on it.”
M
E:
“… Ma’am, there is no accelerator on your computer …”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, there is! It’s that thing that has two buttons on either side, and that little wheel on the bottom!”
(In case it wasn’t obvious, she had stepped on the mouse.)
C
LOTHING
S
TORE |
T
ORONTO,
O
NTARIO
(A couple walk in, the lady in front, the man trailing tiredly behind. The lady spins around the store.)
M
E:
“Can I help you with anything today?”
L
ADY:
“I need these pants in size 0, pronto.”
M
E:
“Who are you getting them for?”
L
ADY:
“MYSELF! What do you think!”
(I get her what she wants, she takes them, and goes into a changing room.)
L
ADY:
“HEY, these are defective! Get me another pair!”
M
E:
“May I suggest a bigger size?”
L
ADY:
“Are you saying I look fat? That I can’t fit into these pants?! I’ll have you know, I always wear size 0 … these pants must be made wrong! Now get me another pair!”
M
AN:
“Honey, those are really small pants, just try a slightly bigger one.”
(Without a pause, she turns around and slaps the man.)
L
ADY:
“Why can’t you just be on my side! That was so rude! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”
M
AN:
“We don’t live together.”
L
ADY:
“What do you mean! We moved in last week … remember?”
M
AN:
“N
O
… we don’t live together.”
(The lady realizes he’s not caving. She flicks a look at me and then tries a different route.)
L
ADY:
“Well, I mean, you’re still sleeping on the couch in your own apartment! To show remorse for disrespecting me. Or else!”
M
AN:
“Or else what?”
L
ADY:
“Or else I’m dumping you!”
M
AN:
“… Okay.”
L
ADY:
“You just—you just like HER, don’t—” *walks out fast, sobbing*
(The man stays behind and apologizes to me. My shift is ending, so we go for dinner, and, long story short, he’s now my fiancé! Couldn’t ask for a better man, and I’ve got to thank that lady someday for making it all possible.)
B
OOKSTORE |
B
ERLIN,
V
ERMONT
C
USTOMER:
“Excuse me, where do you keep your work gloves?”
M
E:
“Um … I don’t own any work gloves.”
C
USTOMER:
“No, no, no. The ones that you sell.”
M
E:
“We don’t sell work gloves here, sir.”
C
USTOMER:
“What? Really?”
M
E:
“This is a bookstore.”
C
USTOMER:
“S
O
… no gloves?”
M
E:
“Nope.”
C
USTOMER:
“Duct tape?”
M
E:
“N
O.”
C
USTOMER:
“Rope?”
M
E:
“None of that, either.”
C
USTOMER:
“What DO you sell here, then?”
M
E:
“Books. This is a bookstore. We only sell books.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh … so no ski masks?”
M
E:
“N
O!”
C
ONVENIENCE
S
TORE |
S
POKANE,
W
ASHINGTON
M
E:
“H
OW
can I help you, sir?”
C
USTOMER:
“I want one single cigarette.”
M
E:
“N
O
problem, can I see your ID?”
C
USTOMER:
“What? Do I look fourteen to you?”
M
E:
“No, you look eighteen, but unless I get ID I can’t sell them to you.”
C
USTOMER:
“Why can’t you sell me the beer and a cigarette?”
M
E:
“I am sorry, sir, but I could lose my job if I sold it to you without ID.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, I am sure your job is sooo great and pays you a lot?!”
M
E:
“I’m not the one who can’t afford more than one cigarette.”
G
ROCERY
S
TORE |
P
ORT
P
ERRY,
O
NTARIO
(An elderly lady approaches the Courtesy Desk where my coworker works and hands her a box of cereal.)
C
OWORKER:
“We don’t sell this type of cereal here, ma’am. I don’t know where you got this from, but it’s not on our files.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, I got it from the store in Toronto!”
C
OWORKER:
“The … store in Toronto?”
C
USTOMER:
“I was in a hurry and just grabbed the cereal on my way out. Now, I’d like to pay for it.”
C
OWORKER:
“You mean you … you walked out of the store without paying for it?”
C
USTOMER:
“Well, I’m paying for it now, right?”
C
OWORKER:
“Umm …”
T
ECH
S
UPPORT |
O
TTAWA,
O
NTARIO
(I am walking a customer through setting up a fairly complex product.)
C
USTOMER:
“Next or back?”
M
E:
“Next.”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, now next or back?”
M
E:
“We do not need to change any of the default settings, so we will be hitting next on the next seven or eight screens in a row. Let me know when another option other then next or back appears.”
C
USTOMER:
*obviously not getting it* “Okay, now do I hit next or back?”
M
E:
“Hit next, and also hit next on the following five or six pages until there is no more next button.”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, I clicked next. Now do I hit next or back?”
(At this point I am going insane and decide to have a little fun.)
M
E:
“Click back.”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, now next or back?”
M
E:
“Click next.”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, next or back?”
M
E:
“Click back.”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, next or back?”
M
E:
“Click next.”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, next or back?”
M
E:
“Click back.”
(This goes on for a few minutes until the customer realizes what’s going on. Or so I think…)
C
USTOMER:
“I think it’s broken, it keeps looping through the same pages!”
S
UPERMARKET |
L
ONDON,
U
NITED
K
INGDOM
C
OLLEAGUE:
“Hey, can you help me? A customer is asking for a lub of beef.”
M
E:
“A what?”
C
OLLEAGUE:
“A lub of beef.”
M
E:
“Uh … okay.”
(I walk over to the customer.)
M
E:
“Madam, what exactly is it that you would like?”
C
USTOMER:
“I’d like a lub of beef.”
M
E:
“A … lub?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, a lub. It must weigh a lub!”
M
E:
“Madam, I think it’s pronounced pound …”
R
ETAIL |
B
OONE,
I
OWA
(I am working in the electronics section of a discount superstore when I am approached by a customer, which is surprising since the state is currently being hit by a significantly large ice storm.)
C
USTOMER:
“Hi, I’d like to pick up my pictures.”
M
E:
“Hmm … it seems they aren’t in yet. When did you send them out?”
C
USTOMER: *V
ery angry* “They were supposed to be in today!”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, sir, but the lab where they are processed is hours away and it’s too dangerous for the drivers to be out on the roads today.”