The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (17 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
E:
“That is not a wireless keyboard.”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes it is.”
M
E:
“Just because you cut the cord does not make it wireless.”
C
USTOMER:
“Can’t you just make it work?”
M
E:
“Does your phone have a cable?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes.”
M
E:
“If you cut it, do you think your phone will work?”
C
USTOMER:
*line disconnects after twenty seconds of silence*
G
AS
S
TATION |
P
EORIA,
I
LLINOIS
(A male customer comes up to the counter with a box of tampons.)
M
E:
“You should meet my husband. We’ve been married seven years and he’s never bought these.”
C
USTOMER:
“You should meet my girlfriend.”
M
E:
“Persuasive?”
C
USTOMER:
“Scary.”
G
ROCERY
S
TORE |
G
EILO,
N
ORWAY
C
USTOMER:
“What’s the difference between this—” *holds up a steak of lamb* “and this?” *holds up a steak of calf*
M
E:
“Well, this one is from a lamb, and this one is from a calf. It says so right here on the label.”
C
USTOMER:
“But what part of the animal is that?”
M
E:
*points at the lamb* “Baaaa.” *pointing at the calf* “Moooo.”
C
USTOMER:
*happily* “Oh, thank you so much!”
C
ELL
P
HONE
C
OMPANY |
L
AKE
M
ARY,
F
LORIDA
M
E:
“Thank you for calling **** Wireless. How can I help you?”
C
USTOMER:
“I want a credit to my account.”
M
E:
“Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you, sir. What seems to be the issue?”
C
USTOMER:
“Where am I calling currently?”
M
E:
“Customer service, sir … ?”
C
USTOMER:
“Where are you located?”
M
E:
“Lake Mary, Florida.”
C
USTOMER:
“I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”
M
E:
“Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”
C
USTOMER:
“Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy Middle Eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”
M
E:
“Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”
C
USTOMER:
“I want to talk to your supervisor!”
M
E:
“Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed Alam … we call him ‘Moe’ for short.”
C
USTOMER:
*click*
P
ET
S
TORE |
H
AWAII
C
USTOMER:
“What can you tell me about this big bird?”
M
E:
“This is a blue and gold macaw. He’s four years old and was preowned, so he already has a decent vocabulary.”
C
USTOMER:
“You mean this bird can talk?”
M
E:
“Yes.”
(The customer turns to the bird.)
C
USTOMER:
“Say something! Hey, look at me! Say something, you stupid bird!”
M
E:
“Sir, please refrain from harassing the bird. You’re disturbing other customers.”
(The customer ignores me and proceeds to continue swearing at the bird, causing the manager to come over.)
M
ANAGER:
“Sir, if you don’t stop, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
(The customer ignores the manager as well, who gets on the phone to call security. Suddenly, the macaw turns around and looks at the customer.)
M
ACAW:
“Shut up! Son of a gun!”
(The customer stares for a moment and then leaves the store, defeated.)
L
IBRARY |
H
OUSTON,
T
EXAS
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“I need to get on a computer.”
M
E:
“I’m sorry … as the sign on the sign-up computer says, the entire computer system is down.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“Oh, I just need to check my e-mail.”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s everything.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“Well, could you look up a book for me?”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, ma’am, I guess I’m not clear. The ENTIRE system is down. We can’t do anything that involves the Internet and that includes printing things out. We even use VOIP phones, so we can’t call out.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“Oh. Well, just look up what I have checked out right now, and tell me when it’s due.”
M
E:
“I can’t do that, either.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“Can you check my e-mail for me?”
M
E:
“No, ma’am. We use the same system.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“But, I saw you typing!”
M
E:
“Yes, ma’am, I’m working on a report on the word processor. This is something that doesn’t use the Internet.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“Well, when will the computers be fixed?”
M
E:
“We don’t know.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“Why?”
M
E:
“Because it’s broken. If we knew what was wrong, we’d be fixing it.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“Does this happen often?”
M
E:
“Nope.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“S
O
you are saying it’s just a coincidence that the first time I need to use the computer, the system is down?”
M
E:
“Well, yes.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
“Do you actually do anything useful here?”
M
E:
“Well, normally I’d be troubleshooting the problem with the system, but for the past ten minutes, I’ve been having to answer your questions about it.”
L
IBRARY PATRON:
*stomps off*
R
ETAIL |
F
INDLAY,
O
HIO
M
E:
“Children’s department, how may I help you?”
W
OMAN:
“Yes, I’m looking for a pair of panties for an older child.”
M
E:
“Sure, how old is the child?”
W
OMAN:
“He’s older.”
M
E:
“Well, we only carry underwear in this section for little girls. If you’re looking for boys’ underwear, you’ll have to talk to the—”
W
OMAN:
“No, no. I want girls’ underwear.”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, you want girls’ underwear for your boy?”
W
OMAN:
“Yes. I need frilly, lacy girl panties for my son. See, he still wets the bed and so I thought every time he does maybe I’ll just put him in girls’ underwear. What do you think?”
M
E:
“Um, ma’am … that can be seriously harmful to a child’s psyche. I would suggest speaking to a psychologist, or—”
W
OMAN:
“Oh, I have. She suggested that I take more extreme measures. My son is twelve and I think it’s a smart move. Do you think diapers will work better?”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I think I really need to turn you over to my supervisor. Let me just put you on hold and call him.”
W
OMAN:
“Oh, no, no! I just want to know what the largest size of panties are that you carry.”
M
E:
“Ma’am, you’re just going to have to just come in and look around.”
W
OMAN:
“Well, what is the laciest, prettiest pair of panties you have?”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I really don’t know and I’m sure they’re not going to fit a twelve-year-old boy, so if you’d like I can transfer you back up to customer service.”
W
OMAN:
“Well, what’s the largest size you have?”
M
E:
“They’re small, medium, and large and we have some extra-large, but—”
W
OMAN:
“S
O
do you think those will fit him?”
M
E:
“Ma’am, if you’ll just hold for a moment, I’ll put you on hold and I’ll get a department head and have them assist you.”
W
OMAN:
“I guess you’re right, I’ll just have to come in and see if one of them looks like they’ll fit him. Thanks for your help!” *hangs up*
C
ALL
C
ENTER |
W
INCHESTER,
K
ENTUCKY
(I work at a call center for truck drivers.)
M
E:
“Thank you for calling the service center. My name is ***; are you experiencing a breakdown?”
T
RUCKER:
“Yeah, I need a new windshield.”
M
E:
“Okay, sir. What happened to your current windshield?”
T
RUCKER:
“A bird went through it.”
M
E:
“All right, a bird hit your windshield and cracked it, correct?”
T
RUCKER:
“No, the bird went THROUGH the windshield. It’s sitting in the passenger seat now and the windshield has a hole in it.”
M
E:
“So, what kind of bird is it?”
T
RUCKER:
“… A dead one.”
R
ETAIL |
S
AN
J
OSE,
C
ALIFORNIA
M
E:
“That will be $70.35.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, there’s a special deal going on with the video games this week.”