The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (20 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
M
E
: “Okay, just head back that way, and when you cross the bridge, make a U-turn and come back.”
C
USTOMER’S HUSBAND
: *laughs*
C
ALL
C
ENTER
| W
ISCONSIN
(A customer is trying to spell things phonetically to me over the phone.)
C
USTOMER
: “So, that’s ‘w’ as in ‘once.’”
M
E
: “Sorry?”
C
USTOMER
: “‘W’ as in ‘once.’ Do I need to spell it?”
M
E
: “No, sir. So, that’s ‘w’ as in ‘once’?”
C
USTOMER
: “Right. Then, ‘i’ as in ‘eyeball.’”
L
IBRARY
| D
ETROIT
, M
ICHIGAN
(At our library, the computers are all self-sign-up. All you have to do is type in your name and library card number. This is clearly posted on the side of the monitor. In walk a young woman and her boyfriend…)
Y
OUNG WOMAN
: “Can you help me with this?”
M
E
: “What’s the problem?”
Y
OUNG WOMAN
: “I don’t know what to do.”
M
E
: “The instructions are on the side of the monitor.”
Y
OUNG WOMAN
: “But why can’t you tell me how to do it?”
M
E
: “Because it’s SELF-SIGN-UP.”
Y
OUNG WOMAN
: “But I need help!”
M
E
: “All you have to do is type in your name and library card number.”
Y
OUNG WOMAN
: “But do I have to read the screen?”
M
E
: *confused* “Of… course. The screen tells you when to type in your information. You have to read the screen.”
Y
OUNG WOMAN
: “BUT I DIDN’T COME INTO THE LIBRARY TO READ!”
Y
OUNG WOMAN’S BOYFRIEND
: *turns abruptly and walks out the door*
R
ETAIL
| T
ASMANIA
, A
USTRALIA
(I’m on a register at a games store with lines out the door, but am flying through the customers at a good rate. I get to a customer wearing a name badge from the large chain store next to us.)
C
USTOMER
: “Excuse me, but those people out the back should be fired!”
M
E
: “Oh, sorry about that. The manager is having lunch while he does some stock. He’s been here since 7.”
C
USTOMER
: “What about those other people back there?”
(I hand her the game and receipt, finishing the transaction. She is now just holding everyone else up.)
M
E
: “Those two aren’t actually working today; they’re here to check their rosters and talk with the manager about some things.”
C
USTOMER
: “They should be out here serving!”
M
E
: “But they’re not working today.”
C
USTOMER
: “That’s no excuse! It’s very busy! You should have more people on!”
M
E
: “This is just the lunch rush and it’s actually not so bad.”
C
USTOMER
: “So what? Look at the line!”
M
E
: “Yes, it’s getting longer because I can’t serve anyone while I’m talking to you.”
C
USTOMER
: “I shouldn’t have to waste my time waiting in line!”
(Suddenly another customer behind her pipes in.)
O
THER CUSTOMER
: “… And we shouldn’t have to waste ours listening to you complain about it. Learn some manners already!”
(The first customer turns around looking absolutely furious, only to instantly lose all color as she sees who’s behind her.)
C
USTOMER
: “Uhh …”
O
THER CUSTOMER
: “Now, are you done?”
C
USTOMER
: *nods*
O
THER CUSTOMER
: “Great, now apologize and get out of everyone’s way!”
(The first customer turns to me, stutters out an apology, and rushes out of the store.)
M
E
: “Thanks! How’d you manage that?”
O
THER CUSTOMER
: “Oh, easy. I’m her manager!”
S
UPERMARKET
| S
COTLAND
(A slightly older woman comes through my checkout holding one of our fresh cooked chickens. These are cooked on the same day and reduced in price after about two hours.)
M
E
: “Hi there, is everything okay for you?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yes, that’s fine, but I want to put this chicken back.”
M
E
: “Okay, not a problem. Did you just not want it anymore?”
C
USTOMER
: “No! It has today’s date on it and hasn’t been reduced.”
(I check the back of the bags, which display the time the chicken was put out.)
M
E
: “Actually this was just put out twenty minutes ago and won’t be reduced for a few hours.”
C
USTOMER
: “But it’s today’s date!”
M
E
: “Yes, because it was cooked today.”
C
USTOMER
: “Then why is it reduced after a few hours?”
M
E
: “Because it’s a fresh chicken. You’re supposed to eat it while it’s fresh.”
C
USTOMER
: “But it’s not fresh if it has today’s date! I’ll go get another one that isn’t out of date.”
M
E
: “I assure you, every chicken there will have today’s date on it.”
C
USTOMER
: “That’s no good. I thought they were fresh!”
M
E
: “They. Are. Fresh. They were cooked today.”
C
USTOMER
: “That’s not good enough. I’ll try again tomorrow.”
M
E
: “The chickens tomorrow will just have that date on them as well.” C
USTOMER
: “Well, then they’ll be fresh, won’t they?”
H
OTEL
| O
RLANDO
, F
LORIDA
(I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We had gotten a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)
M
E
: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yeah! We just got back from [theme park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everythin’!”
M
E
: “Sir? They took your used towels?”
C
USTOMER
: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone too! See?! These ain’t my towels, I know because we had used ours last night and draped ’em over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”
(I look around the bathroom—it looks tidy and neat. Clean towels are hanging on the towel rack, new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos have been put on the bathroom counter.)
M
E
: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”
C
USTOMER
: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! Ah know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”
M
E
: “Sir … I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels and give you new—”
(The man begins shouting.)
C
USTOMER
: “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN IN MY ROOM!”
M
E
: “It’s called ‘housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during—”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, I ain’t need no toilet treats! They coulda stole all my stuff!”
M
E
: “… Sir, it was our maids. They come in and clean for you. There is a complimentary safe in your closet. You can lock up anything you don’t want out when our staff—”
C
USTOMER
: “TELL THEM I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM AND GOIN’ THROUGH ALL MY STUFF! If they do it again, I’m calling the police and having all y’all arrested!”
M
E
: “All right, sir …”
(The customer and his family stayed a whole week in the hotel. Evidently he used the same four towels the whole time and split a one-ounce bottle of shampoo for four people over six days.)
R
ETAIL
| R
IO
R
ANCHO
, N
EW
M
EXICO
C
OWORKER
: “Yes, miss. I understand it’s an emergency, but let me ask my coworker. He probably knows what you’re looking for!”
M
E
: “What’s going on?”
C
OWORKER
: “This woman was sent in looking for an item. She said it’s called a … a … something capacitor.”
M
E
: “Well, we don’t really carry any capacitors here. That’s more of a true electronics-store thing.”
C
USTOMER
: “Please, it’s my son’s birthday and my husband says that we desperately need to find a 120 volt flux capacitor for my son’s Xbox!”
M
E
: “Ma’am, unless you have a Mr. Fusion, I don’t know where you’re gonna need something like that.”
C
USTOMER
: “What do you mean? My husband said this was an emergency! I have been to three stores and no one knows what I’m talking about!”
M
E
: *laughs* “Well, your husband sent you for a part to a time machine.”
C
USTOMER
: “I am going to kill that man!”
A
IRLINE
| O
RLANDO
, F
LORIDA
(I’m a flight attendant and am doing my pre-takeoff check in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)
P
ASSENGER
: “IS it okay if my camera is here for the flight?”
M
E
: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”
P
ASSENGER
: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”
M
E
: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”
P
ASSENGER
: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”
M
E
: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”