The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (15 page)

C
USTOMER:
“He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”

S
PECIAL-NEEDS ADULT:
“N
O!
I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

C
USTOMER:
“Oh my God!”

M
E:
“S
O
if I got this right you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”

S
PECIAL-NEEDS ADULT:
“Yes, that’s right!”

M
E:
“You know what I think you need? A high five!”

S
PECIAL-NEEDS ADULT:
“You know I do!”

C
USTOMER:
“This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*

C
ELL
P
HONE
C
OMPANY |
U
NITED
S
TATES

M
E:
“…Uh, what?”

C
USTOMER:
“My baby is trapped in the car and it’s on fire! I know I haven’t paid my bill in months, just turn the phone back on so I can call 911! Oh, GAWD!”

M
E:
“Ma’am, I would advise that you call emergency services from the phone you are currently calling me on immediately. Forget your cell phone. Call 911 from the phone you are currently speaking on!”

C
USTOMER:
“I can’t! I’m in the middle of nowhere! Hurry! The baby is crying!”

M
E:
“Uh, ma’am … this doesn’t make any sense. Listen to me and listen good. HANG UP THE PHONE. PICK IT BACK UP AND DIAL 911. We can save your baby, ma’am!”

C
USTOMER:
*gibberish*

M
E:
“Ma’am, we are not restoring service until you pay us. That baby has been on fire since yesterday and nobody believed you then, either. Your story just doesn’t make any sense. Maybe if you had a good, cohesive lie that added up you could get away with this … but I doubt it.”

C
USTOMER:
“Dang.”*hangs up*

I
NFORMATION
B
OOTH |
N
IAGARA
F
ALLS,
O
NTARIO

T
OURIST:
“Excuse me, ma’am. How do I get to the Falls from here?”

M
E:
“The Falls? They’re just behind me. That one is the Canadian Falls, also known as the Horseshoe Falls, and that other one’s the American Falls.”

T
OURIST:
“Why is the Cay-nay-dian Falls bigger than ours?”

M
E:
“Geography, I suppose.”

T
OURIST:
“I think you have it wrong. The big one MUST be the American one.”

M
E:
“No, that one is the Canadian Falls.”

T
OURIST:
“This is insane! I’m going to write my congressman and demand that that there big falls should be ours! You Cay-Nay-Dians shouldn’t have the big one!”

M
E:
“You’re going to annex our Falls? Really?”

T
OURIST:
“H*** yes I am! I have more of a right to it than you do!”

M
E:
“But… it’s in my country.”

T
OURIST:
“Well, we’ll just see about that!”*storms off*

M
ALL |
N
ORTH
C
AROLINA

M
E:
“Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

C
USTOMER:
“What is the ugliest wrapping paper you have?”

M
E:
“Excuse me?”

C
USTOMER:
“This teapot is for my mother-in-law, and I do NOT want it to look nice.”

M
E:
“Well, we did get some pretty wretched donations from the community this year.”

C
USTOMER:
*happily* “Oh, wonderful! Do you have any bows that would NOT match?”

M
E:
“Would purple work?”

C
USTOMER:
“Oh, yes, thank you so much! Keep the change.”

M
E:
“Ma’am, could you do me a favor? Please don’t tell anybody you got that wrapped here!”

H
OTEL |
L
AKE
L
OUISE,
A
LBERTA

M
E:
“Hello, and welcome to ***** Hotel. How was the drive up here?”

W
IFE:
“Oh, it was stunning! I have never seen such beautiful trees, and the water, such a pretty color in the lake!”

H
USBAND:
“It was a very nice drive indeed.”

M
E:
“Well, that’s great, we pride ourselves on our natural beauty here in Canada. Can I get your names for your reservation?”

W
IFE:
“Yes, indeed. Here you go.”

W
IFE:
“Can you tell me, though, how do you get the water in Lake Louise that turquoise color?”

M
E:
“I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

W
IFE:
“Well, the water is so clear, but it’s green, it looks like the ocean. Do you paint the bottom that color?”

M
E:
“Oh no, the water has a green color because of the copper minerals in the water. When they oxidize, that’s why it looks like the ocean.”

W
IFE:
“Oh, that’s crazy! Everybody knows copper is brown like a penny, not green. It’s painted, isn’t it?!”

W
IFE:
“Well, there is no way that it’s natural!”

M
E:
*getting annoyed* “Yes, we drain the lake and paint the bottom of the lake at night.”

W
IFE:
“See, was it so hard to tell the truth?” *walks away*

M
Y MANAGER:
“You know, I should fire you for that… but I think I would have done the same thing.”

C
ALL
C
ENTER |
H
UNTSVILLE,
A
LABAMA

M
E:
“Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”

C
USTOMER:
“Hey … hey … did I tell you about the spaceship I designed?”

M
E:
“Uh, no, sir, I don’t believe I know about that.”

C
USTOMER:
“Yeah, I built this spaceship. It is called a Delta Shuttle. I designed it, and the Air Force wants to take it from me.”

M
E:
“Well, I hope you didn’t let them have your plans.”

C
USTOMER:
“No, no. I didn’t. They wanted them, but I won’t let them have them. Oh, did I tell you about the time me and Chelsea Clinton saved the world from red Chinese Klingons?”

M
E:
“Sir, I don’t think I can go into that right now. I’m being watched by the military and all of my calls are being recorded.”

C
USTOMER:
*gasps and hangs up*

T
HEME
P
ARK |
D
ARIEN
C
ENTER,
N
EW
Y
ORK

C
USTOMER:
“What’s with the buoy line?”

M
E:
“It’s there to keep you from entering the deep end.”

C
USTOMER:
“Well, duh! Why is it there?”

M
E:
“Oh, the deep end is closed right now.”

C
USTOMER:
“That’s so stupid! There’s no reason the deep end should be closed!”

M
E:
“I’m sorry, sir. The water is … broken.”

C
USTOMER:
“Oh, sorry then. Have a nice day.”

P
IZZA
R
ESTAURANT |
N
ORTH
M
IAMI,
F
LORIDA

M
E:
“Here you go.”

L
ITTLE GIRL:
“Eeew! That gross man touched my pizza!”

M
OTHER:
“Ugh, I agree! Take it back and have someone else bring it out.”

F
ATHER:
“N
OW,
honey…”

M
E:
*joking* “Sorry, our Hot Stud Pizza Brigade is off today …”

F
ATHER:
*laughs*

M
OTHER:
“Are you mocking me?”

M
E:
“Oh no, ma’am. Anyway, here’s your pizza.”

L
ITTLE GIRL:
“I don’t want it! He’s gross! He probably has a disease or something!”

F
ATHER:
“Rachel, don’t talk like that!”