The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (14 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
C
USTOMER:
“Well, I made it, how come they can’t?”
M
E:
“Sir, you live on the street behind the building, which is a much shorter and safer distance compared to the over 120 miles the driver would have to drive, especially on roads that not even emergency vehicles will go onto.”
C
USTOMER:
“I was told my pictures were going to be back today, and I want them today!”
(I’m about to apologize to the man but am beaten to the punch by the customer behind him …)
C
USTOMER
#2: “Yeah! You guys should have dogsleds on the side just in case.”
O
RIGINAL CUSTOMER:
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
C
USTOMER
#2: *in a very apologetic tone* “I’m sorry, I thought it was my turn to make insane demands.”
O
RIGINAL CUSTOMER:
*storms off, talking to the air about how rude people are*
C
USTOMER
#2: “That was fun!”*walks away*
(Unfortunately, I never got to thank that second customer. Wherever you are, Customer #2, thank you.)
911 D
ISPATCH |
G
EORGIA
(I’m a 911 dispatcher and received this call on Thanksgiving Day.)
M
E:
“911, what is your emergency?”
C
ALLER:
“Could you send the police over here at [address]? My wife is trying to get me out of bed.”
M
E:
“… And you don’t want to get out of bed, sir?”
C
ALLER:
“N
O!
She threw the covers off me!”
M
E:
“I’ll send them over sir.”*hangs up*
F
UNERAL
H
OME |
C
ALIFORNIA
(My client, the deceased’s sister, comes in with clothes for the funeral.)
M
E:
“Oh, this is lovely.”
C
LIENT:
“Yes, my sister was always conscious of her appearance. She always wanted to look her best.”
M
E:
“Well, ma’am, I’m afraid this is a bit too small. Even if we cut down the back, it would not fit her.”
C
LIENT:
“I know, I bought a couple sizes down. You all can shave a little off her sides, can’t you? Like lipo? I want her to look great!”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I really doubt that is possible, or even legal.”
C
LIENT:
“Well, go check with the mortician. He knows what he’s doing!”
(I head back to the prep room to talk to the embalmer.)
M
E:
“Uh, sir, there’s a client out front who wants to know if we can, er, lipo her sister for the service?”
E
MBALMER:
“What?!”
(Unfortunately, this wasn’t the last time we heard this request.)
B
ED AND
B
ATH
S
TORE |
N
EW
Y
ORK
(It’s Sunday and I’m dressed up because I just came from church. I’m shopping at the local bed and bath store.)
C
USTOMER:
“Excuse me? Where are the curtain rods?”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t work here.”
C
USTOMER:
“Excuse me?!”
M
E:
“I don’t work here, ma’am, so I don’t know where the curtain rods are. I can help you find someone who does, though.”
C
USTOMER:
“This is unacceptable. Show me where the curtain rods are.”
M
E:
“I hate to break this to you, but I really don’t work here. I think there is a help desk over there, though.”
C
USTOMER:
*calls husband over* “Can you set her straight? I’m trying to find curtain rods and she refuses to help me!”
H
USBAND:
“Look, you are getting paid far too much money to be screwing around! Now, my wife asked you something very simple. She cannot seem to find the curtain rods. Show us where they are, or we will call your manager.”
M
E:
“Sir, I am sorry, but I don’t work here. I don’t know where they are.”
H
USBAND:
“I can tell a worker when I see one. No one but workers wears suits.”
M
E:
“I wear them for church, sir.”
C
USTOMER:
“What?”
M
E:
“Yes, I’m wearing a suit because I just came from church with my family. I’m sorry I can’t help you.”
C
USTOMER:
“I hate this store.”
H
USBAND:
“I know, honey, I know. Let’s just go. We can get curtain rods online!”
(I feel so sorry for the people who actually work here.)
C
ELL
P
HONE
C
OMPANY |
W
AYNESBORO,
V
IRGINIA
C
USTOMER:
“H
OW
many unlimited minutes do I get?”
C
OWORKER:
“Well, it’s unlimited.”
C
USTOMER:
“S
O
how many day minutes do I get?”
C
OWORKER:
“Unlimited.”
C
USTOMER:
“H
OW
many night and weekend minutes?”
C
OWORKER:
“Unlimited.”
C
USTOMER:
“I don’t understand. How many minutes is that?”
C
OWORKER:
“Ma’am, you can talk all day and all night as much as you want and you don’t have to worry about how many minutes you use.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh, so it’s unlimited!”
O
NLINE
C
ASINO |
C
OSTA
R
ICA
M
E:
“Welcome to our online casino, how may I help you?”
C
USTOMER:
“I’ve been a customer for a long time and have never asked for anything. I want you to add some cash to my balance, say fifty bucks.”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, sir, but at this moment we do not have any free-money promotions running. However, with a small $20 deposit you can apply for a reload bonus.”
C
USTOMER:
“I’m not interested. Add the $50 in and that will make things fine.”
M
E:
“I’m sorry. I cannot just add money like that.”
(At this point, the last thing I’m expecting is a fellow Trekkie.)
C
USTOMER:
“You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!”
M
E:
“I’m sorry, sir, not even the Borg can make it happen.”
(Trying to be a smart aleck, he switches to Vulcan.)
C
USTOMER:
“Tan-tor donku!” (“Give me money” in Vulcan)
M
E:
“Aksh’lz, pak-tor gol’nev.” (“Sorry, I’m unable to do it” in Vulcan)
C
USTOMER:
“Holy moly, you are good when it comes to saying no! That’s the first time I’ve gotten denied in Vulcan!”
M
E:
“Rom-halan!” (“Good day!” in Vulcan)
R
ETAIL |
D
ENVER,
C
OLORADO
M
E:
“Hi, how can I help you?”
C
USTOMER:
“I need to return this d*** camera.”
M
E:
“Sure, was it not working?”
C
USTOMER:
“I just don’t want it, okay?”
M
E:
“Okay. Have you opened the box yet?”
C
USTOMER:
“Why does that matter?”
M
E:
“Well, as the sticker on the box says, if the box is opened and you return it, I have to charge you a restocking fee.”
C
USTOMER:
“Oh. No … no, it hasn’t been opened.”
(I look and the box clearly has been opened, with a torn seal.)
M
E:
“Uh … are you sure it hasn’t been opened?”
C
USTOMER:
“LOOK! ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? Where is your manager? I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars here and this is how I’m treated?!”
M
E:
“Ma’am, if you just—”
C
USTOMER:
“THESE PEOPLE CALL CUSTOMERS LIARS! DON’T SHOP HERE!”
M
E:
“Ma’am, I believe you! I will return it!”
C
USTOMER:
“That’s right you will!”
M
E:
“Can I see your receipt?”
C
USTOMER:
“It’s in the box.”
R
ETAIL |
B
IRMINGHAM,
A
LABAMA
M
E:
“Can I help you find anything, ma’am?”
G
RANDMA:
“Yes, I’m looking for a Christmas gift for my grandson. He’s five and I want something basic.”
M
E:
“All right, let me show you a few things.”
(I proceed to show her some puzzles, blocks, and books, but each time she has the same response.)
G
RANDMA:
“No, basic. More simple.”
M
E:
“Okay …”
(I continue to try and find her something even simpler than a bunch of blocks. Eventually, we pass by the school supplies section of the store.)
G
RANDMA:
*picks up a ream of printer paper* “Here! This is perfect!”
M
E:
“Paper?”
G
RANDMA:
“Yes! He can draw on it or make a hat or an airplane. It’s perfect!”
(As she goes to pay for the paper, my boss comes up behind me.)
Boss: “I’d hate to be that kid on Christmas morning.”
F
AST
F
OOD |
W
ISCONSIN
(Our restaurant is within walking distance of an assisted living center, so many of our regulars are special-needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who we have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)
M
E:
“Hey! What can I get you?”
S
PECIAL-NEEDS ADULT:
“I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”
(An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)