The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (22 page)
Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
C
USTOMER
: “No, you’re going to send me a free disk! I paid a lot for this software. I am not giving you more money for a new disk!”
M
E
: “Well, we don’t give out free replacement disks. Can you try to recover your old one?”
C
USTOMER
: “No.”
M
E
: “Why?”
C
USTOMER
: “It’s in the trunk of my car.”
M
E
: “Okay … so why can’t you get to it?”
C
USTOMER
: “Because the car is at the bottom of a lake!”
R
ETAIL
| G
ORHAM
, M
AINE
(I notice an older woman and her twenty-something long-haired son struggling to find a certain brush in our hair care aisle.)
M
E
: “Can I help you with anything?”
M
OTHER
: “Help me? Help ME? The only way you could help me is to make my Fabio son over here stop dating thirteen-year-old girls!”
C
AFÉ
| N
ORTHBROOK
, I
LLINOIS
M
E
: “Okay, you’re going to be number 84. We’ll bring your food out to you in a couple minutes. Thank you!”
W
OMAN
: “84!? I have to wait for 84 people before I get my food? I want my money back!”
M
E
: “Actually, ma’am, the numbers are completely random. You’ll get your food in five minutes max. The number is just there so we know which order goes where.”
W
OMAN
: “Well, I want a smaller number so I get my food faster!”
M
E
: “Ma’am, I assure you, a smaller number won’t put you ahead of anyone else. The numbers—”
(The customer ignores me, turns around to the rest of the café, and starts yelling at the other customers.)
W
OMAN
: “WHO IS NUMBER ONE? I WANT YOUR NUMBER!”
(I frantically dig through the unused number cards for a lower number.)
M
E
: “Here, ma’am, you’re number three! Is that better?”
W
OMAN
: “You should’ve done that before! I could’ve had my food by now!”
V
IDEO
R
ENTAL
S
TORE
| S
AVANNAH
, G
EORGIA
M
E
: “Good evening, sir, how may I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “I want a good movie.”
M
E
: “Of course. I recommend
Pan’s Labyrinth
… it was excellent.”
C
OWORKER
: “You are aware that this movie has subtitles.”
C
USTOMER
: “What the heck is that?”
C
OWORKER
: “The words at the bottom you have to read. It’s in Spanish.”
C
USTOMER
: “What the heck is that? We’re in America, we don’t speak Spanish! I want it in American!”
(He storms off and promptly returns with
Apocalypto.)
M
E
: “Sir, you do know this movie has subtitles, too?”
C
USTOMER
: “What is this country coming to? When did we become another country?! I want an American movie! Where are the American movies?”
M
E
: “The store is full of movies made in America.”
(He walks back up about ten minutes later with
Letters from Iwo Jima
in his hand.)
C
USTOMER
: “This is the movie by Clint Eastwood, right?”
C
OWORKER
: “Yes, it is.”
M
E
: “And it’s really good, too.”
C
USTOMER
: “Clint Eastwood is a real American. He knows what I like!”
(I give a look to my coworker, who doesn’t say anything this time, and we rent him the movie. Too bad
Letters from Iwo Jima
is all in Japanese with English subtitles.)
C
OLLEGE
T
ECH
S
UPPORT
| O
KLAHOMA
(A newly hired professor comes into the campus help desk complaining that she received a MacBook instead of the PC she requested. Knowing it would take a few weeks to order her a new laptop, I try to show her how to use the Mac.)
M
E
: “One difference between a Mac and a PC is that Macs only have one mouse button.”
C
USTOMER
: “… What’s a button?”
(I realize it’s a losing battle, so I explain the process of ordering the PC.)
M
E
: “We can order the laptop, but the bags are overpriced through the vendor. If you want one, we recommend ordering a bag through an office supply store.”
C
USTOMER
: “… What’s a bag?”
G
AS
S
TATION
| O
NTARIO
C
USTOMER
: “DO you guys have an ATM machine here?”
M
E
: “Er, no, sorry.”
C
USTOMER
: “I see one right there!”
M
E
: “Um … that’s a telephone booth, sir.”
C
USTOMER
: *squinting and walking toward it* “No, it’s an ATM.”
M
E
: “No. No, it’s not. It’s definitely a telephone booth.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh. Well… there’s one beside it!”
M
E
: “That is a freezer, sir. We store ice in it to sell to campers for their coolers.”
C
USTOMER
: “Why does it say ‘ice’ on it? What kind of ATM says ‘ice’?”*opening the ice box* “It’s an ice box!”
R
ESTAURANT
| O
RLANDO
, F
LORIDA
(I used to work at a theme restaurant that had a huge, double-arch aquarium at the entrance to the dining area. We had staff members who would clean the tanks from the inside in full scuba gear. The tanks were filled with brightly colored tropical fish.)
P
ATRON
: “Oooh! Is he there to paint the fish?”
M
E
: “I’m … sorry?”
P
ATRON
: “The fish. Is he in there to paint them?”
M
E, CATCHING ON
: “Oh no, ma’am, the paint would wash off if we did it underwater. He takes them out to paint them.”
P
ATRON
: “You take them out? That’s horrible! How do they breathe?”
M
E
: “Well, ma’am, it’s very quick. We use an airbrush and stencils. It really only takes a few seconds. And since the paint is misted on, it dries almost instantly.”
P
ATRON
: “Well, that’s a relief”
T
OBACCONIST
| J
OHANNESBURG
, S
OUTH
A
FRICA
(I work in a high-class tobacconist in Johannesburg. One day a very well-presented lady walks in and asks for my assistance in the humidor.)
C
USTOMER
: “Right, my husband just got promoted and I need a fine cigar for him.”
M
E
: “All right, ma’am. Let’s go over here to the Cohibas. These are very fine cigars, probably the best in the world.”
(The customer notices that the price of a Cohiba Robusto is 144 rands
—
about $16—$18 U.S. dollars.)
C
USTOMER
: “Hang on, is that the price for a box or just one?”
M
E
: “Just one, ma’am.”
C
USTOMER
: “No, no, no! I’m going to need something more expensive than that.”
(I show her our most expensive cigar, about U.S. $41.)
C
USTOMER
: “No, no. That is still not expensive enough.”
M
E
: “Okay. Well, ma’am, that is the most expensive cigar in the store. I’ll tell you what, how about I raise the markup just for you! How much were you looking at spending?”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, you are such a darling!”
R
ESTAURANT
| L
OUISVILLE
, K
ENTUCKY
(I go to a table of four, a mom and dad and two kids who are ready to order.)
H
USBAND
: “How big are your pizzas?”
M
E
: “They are ten-inch pizzas, sir.”
H
USBAND
: “Well, how big is ten inches?”
(And before I can answer, the wife chimes in.)
W
IFE
: “You wouldn’t know anything about ten inches, dear.”
(I stand there for a moment with my mouth open, before I run to the wait station and start laughing hysterically.)
C
ABLE
C
OMPANY
| L
OUISVILLE
, K
ENTUCKY
M
E
: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How can I help you today?”
C
ALLER
: “My high-speed Internet is not working.”
M
E
: “Okay, I can help you with that…”
(I determine that there’s nothing wrong on our end, so it’s either her modem or the computer.)
M
E
: “Okay, miss, you seem to be good on this end. How about we check the lights on your modem?”
C
ALLER
: “Well, I can’t do that. The modem is in the basement.”