The Darkness Within Him: The Untwisted series (16 page)

Chapter Twelve

The tea Louise had brought me earlier was stone cold now but I downed it anyway as a distraction to the horrible images in my mind. What happened that night after Nicholas had finished with me was the one part of the whole horrible mess that I kept reliving not only in my waking hours, but in my dreams too. And it wasn’t a pleasant thing to dwell on, let me tell you.

It was only after I banged on the door that I realised I was still in the tracksuit bottoms and scruffy pyjama shirt I’d gone to bed in.
Bugger
. Oh well, I was practically in meltdown mode so I decided I could wear what I liked: besides, there was no time to go home and change now. Impatiently, I began to ring the doorbell too before I stood back and stiffened my shoulders in preparation for a confrontation. Nicholas was going to be freaking furious with me; I just knew it.

But I didn’t care. In fact, if he looked furious then I’d know that my instincts were right – he did care for me, and his break-up phone call had been a load of rubbish brought about by goodness knows what.

Initially, after Nicholas’ call, I had sat in shock, then I had cried briefly, then I tried to make sense of his sudden actions and kept coming back to one thing – his tense phone call with his brother earlier that day, where Nathan had basically told Nicholas he shouldn’t date me. It was the only logical explanation I could think of, and right now, I was clinging to it and hoping I could change his mind about us.

The noise of a bolt being unfastened behind the front door alerted me to someone’s presence, then seconds later it was swung open by Mr Burrett. He looked immaculate, as always, but an uncharacteristic frown marred his brow and his usually jovial lips were pulled into a tight line. Behind him, pushing past the older man, was Nicholas, still dressed in his concert shirt and trousers and looking at me with wild, dark eyes.

‘Rebecca?’ He looked shocked momentarily and then scowled. ‘How did you get here at this time of night?’

‘I got a cab,’ I replied blandly, noticing how Mr Burrett tactfully disappeared when he heard the tension in our voices.

Rather satisfyingly, Nicholas’ eyes almost popped from his skull. ‘
What
?’ he screeched. ‘You got in a car with a complete stranger at –’ he looked furiously at his watch ‘– 12.40 in the morning? What the fuck were you thinking?’ he demanded, glowering at me.

Ah good. Knowing Nicholas rather well, I had been practising an answer to this exact question in the taxi on the way over here.

‘I was thinking,
Nicholas
,’ I replied dryly, tipping my chin up to point at him, ‘that being dumped didn’t make sense seeing as we had an amazing morning in bed together when everything seemed fine.’ I rested my hand jauntily on my hip before continuing. ‘And I was
thinking
that it was strange how my boyfriend dumped me just hours after a phone call from his brother telling him not to date me.’ I was yelling now, probably loud enough to wake his neighbours, but I didn’t care. I needed to get this out of my system even if he still wanted me to leave afterwards.

‘You heard my call with Nathan?’ Nicholas asked suddenly, seeming confused.

‘Yes, Nicholas, I did.’ I sighed. ‘Look, if you want to end things because you don’t want to be with me any more then I’ll deal with it, but if you finished with me because your brother told you to then I think it’s only fair that I get to say my piece too.’

A brief flash of sadness crossed his eyes, followed by flourishing anger. ‘You deserve better than me. I’m broken; a relationship with me would never work in the long run. Like I said on the phone, I don’t want to see you any more.’ His eyes were wide and blazing, his body full of tension.

Trying to swallow the hard lump in my throat that had risen from his last seven words, I continued. ‘So you’re sticking with your decision?’ I asked in a ghost of a whisper.

‘Yes,’ Nicholas replied bluntly, lowering his eyes from mine in uncharacteristic fashion.

Shit. I’d thought that seeing me might change his mind, but it hadn’t. I’d officially been dumped and now snubbed. How humiliating.

But something in his demeanour nagged at me and I didn’t think he was quite as set on his decision as he was making out. There was only one way to find out for sure and that was to target his one weak area – his jealousy.

‘Fine. So you’re OK with me dating other people, then?’ I asked innocently, which immediately caused Nicholas’ gaze to flash back to mine.

There was a pause in which we both glared at each other. ‘Yes,’ he said, but his thick tone said the exact opposite to his words. Building on his reaction, I realised how I could really rile him.

‘Although I might not date anyone, maybe I’ll just fuck some different guys for a while, get some more experience,’ I said as casually as possible, rather proud that I hadn’t flinched when I’d sworn.

That was it; they were the words I’d needed to say. Jealousy pure and furious rose in Nicholas’ face as his eyes widened and his nostrils flared. ‘No!’ he growled, stepping toward me menacingly. ‘
Only me
,’ he muttered, but the tone of his voice changed as he reached out, dropping his hand back to his side without touching me.

He was apparently struggling with an internal battle, the need to possess me, and his belief that I deserved better than him.

‘You should not be with me,’ he rumbled angrily, hesitating just a foot in front of me. ‘I’m no good.’

‘Nicholas, you are!’ I assured him. ‘You showed me your so-called dark side and I survived, didn’t I? I want to be with you,’ I finished weakly, realising just how desperate I sounded and hating it.

God, was this what I’d put my last two boyfriends through when I’d finished with them, I wondered, thinking back to how I had thought they were being quite pathetic and needy at the time and feeling guilty for the cool brush-offs I’d given them.

‘You don’t know what’s really inside me,
you should not be with me
,’ Nicholas snarled, spinning away from me and stalking into his hallway, pushing the door closed behind him.

Unperturbed, I dived forward and caught the front door before it could shut. I followed him in, closing it behind me. ‘Nicholas, we can do this, you can do
us
, you were doing so well,’ I pleaded with him.

‘You want to be with me?’ he demanded, spinning on the spot, his eyes glaring at me fiercely.

‘Yes! Unless you want me to go off fucking other guys?’ I taunted in desperation.

Knowing how exceedingly jealous he could get, I really shouldn’t have made that final comment because the next second, Nicholas was facing me, the muscles in his neck bulging, his eyes dark and incensed as he looked like he might literally explode on the spot. A noise similar to a growl resonated from his chest before he roughly scooped me off my feet, tossed me over his shoulder, charged up the stairs, and turned toward the spare bedroom.

Shit. I’d made him ridiculously mad and now he was taking me back to the room where he used to punish his submissives – the room he’d said he never wanted to take me to again. That really couldn’t be a good sign.

He threw me roughly onto the bed. I had barely landed on my stomach before Nicholas ripped my shirt off, sending buttons flying everywhere, then grabbed my hands. Before I knew it, he was tying them with a scarf attached to the bedposts and disappearing into the walk-in cupboard.

‘Nicholas …’ I started. ‘We need to talk …’ As much as I usually enjoyed having sex with him, this wasn’t the answer at the moment. He’d dumped me, for God’s sake. I needed to understand why, not get fucked into silence.

‘Shhh,’ he murmured surprisingly softly, returning to the room as I squirmed on the bed trying to free myself. My tracksuit bottoms didn’t fare much better than my shirt, because with a rough tug that had me collapsing forward onto my elbows he had pulled them off and thrown them on the floor. The next second, Nicholas had dispensed with my knickers by digging his fingers through the lace and ripping them from my body, causing me to yelp with fast-rising fear.

Shit, he might be talking softly now, but his barely controlled actions showed that he was really fucking mad.

‘You want to see what’s inside me, Rebecca? You want to know the real me?’ he demanded, his voice low and menacing.

‘Yes!’ Knowing how much Nicholas needed my confirmation I yelled my declaration, but no sooner was the word out of my mouth than something slapped across my exposed behind with so much force that I couldn’t help but shout from the shock. My eyes nearly popped from my head when I looked to Nicholas and saw the long, thin cane held in his white-knuckled fist.

Holy fuck, he was beating me with a frigging cane. Before I could consider this prospect in too much detail, I watched him raise it again and closed my eyes as it slapped down on me for the second time.

Fuck
, that really hurt. There was no way that could be deemed as pleasurable by anyone, or
ever
be seen as acceptable in a consensual relationship.

Bizarrely, in the stew of emotions flowing around my brain, the thing that made me realise Nicholas had completely lost it was his groin, as odd as that sounds. For some reason as my face was craned to the side, squashed into the mattress, I registered the fact that Nicholas didn’t have an erection – and this flooded me with panic. As kinky as it was, I had adjusted to the fact that a little bit of control or light punishment turned Nicholas on – it was just one of his things, I supposed – but right now he wasn’t aroused and the blows were getting harder which meant he had lost control and was simply fucking furious.

‘You want to be with me?’ he roared, his voice strangled and unrecognisable; clearly he was not with it any more. ‘You want to be with
this
?’ he screeched. Any control he’d had was now gone and the cane snapped down on my behind over and over again. Each thrash seemed harder than the one before.

There was no way I could stand much more of this. I was fairly sure I was bleeding now; the pain was excruciating, and as hard as I tried to get my wrists out of the scarf restraints, I was pushed too far down the bed to manage it. I had thought that Nicholas had just needed to vent his frustration, but the cane was so much worse than the flogger had been and before I knew it, tears were flowing down my cheeks into the mattress as I sobbed silently.

‘Stop!’ I wailed, but panic rose in my throat as Nicholas continued with his barrage. ‘Nicholas, stop! Please!’ I choked out, but suddenly something clicked in my brain and I remembered his rule about stopping in this room.

‘Bubble,’ I wept. ‘
Bubble! Stop … stop
,’ Nicholas flinched, but my words had been muffled by the mattress; perhaps they were too soft for him to hear the safeword? Then he moved to raise the cane again and terror began to overwhelm me.

Desperately, I pushed forward, leaning all my weight onto my elbows and twisted myself enough to raise my left leg. With all the volume I could muster I screamed the safeword again, making sure he heard it this time while also planting my foot into his stomach as hard as I could to stop his next approach.

Thank God, it worked this time. It was like I had flicked a switch inside Nicholas, and through my tear-blurred eyes I saw him stagger backwards, a look of absolute horror on his face as he took in my position on the bed like he was waking up from some kind of trance.

I immediately shuffled myself up the bed, ripping at the scarf and managing to free one of my wrists. Nicholas leapt forward, swearing profusely as he tried to help me with the other wrist, but I completely lost it, adrenalin and anger coursed through me, replacing my fear and filling me with pulsating rage. Freeing my other arm, I pushed myself upright and slapped him across the face as hard as I could, which even in my current state I noticed made a satisfyingly loud crack against the soft skin of his cheek.

‘Don’t touch me!’ I half yelled and half sobbed as Nicholas knelt wide-eyed on the bed in front of me. ‘You are seriously fucked up! I actually thought you felt something for me, how fucking stupid am I?’ I screeched manically, then in my anger, I shoved him in the chest so violently he fell backwards off the bed and landed in a heap on the floor with a resounding crash. ‘You need to get professional help for this crap, Nicholas,’ I snarled, tossing the cane at him with a grimace.

Leaping up, I dragged my tracksuit bottoms on over my smarting behind, not even bothering to try and find my ripped underwear. Then, forcing my arms into my buttonless shirt, I dragged a hand over my face to try and clear my tears before heading for the door.

Glancing back, I saw Nicholas was still sprawled on the floor, frozen in place, one hand raised to his reddened cheek as he looked at me with disorientated panic rising in his eyes. He seemed to have no clue as to what had just happened.

‘You wanted to break up with me, Nicholas?
Fine
, I’m gone, and don’t worry, I won’t be back. Don’t try and contact me,’ I snarled through my tears before walking out and slamming the door behind me so hard I was surprised it didn’t fall off its hinges.

Chapter Thirteen

That had been that, really. Single again. No more Nicholas.

Once again, I amazed myself how I could cram the entire events of a three-month relationship into a few hours of daydreaming, but I had and here I was three weeks later, still dazed, still miserable, and still left wondering what the hell had happened.

I’d taken two days off work immediately after the cane incident, mostly because my face was too puffy from near-constant crying to dare show in public, but also because I couldn’t walk comfortably with my bruised and welted behind and didn’t want Louise asking questions and forcing me to lie to her.

Now I was back at work, the pain of being without Nicholas seemed worse somehow and the bruises on my behind had paled into insignificance compared to my breaking heart. I hated feeling this pathetic over a man, but in short, I felt wretched. I’d finished with people and been dumped in the past, but always at a time when I was convinced the relationship was going nowhere. With Nicholas, even though our relationship was far from easy, I had felt a genuine attachment to him. He might have had a seriously messed-up view of things, but even with his issues, I had actually thought that for the first time in my life I might be falling for a man properly.

Letting out an aggravated grunt, I leapt to my feet decisively. This really had to stop: the shop was doing fine under Louise’s leadership but I needed to get a grip and move on with my life. Sighing heavily, I decided I couldn’t hide in the back office for any longer. Piling the last book onto the stack in front of me, I pulled them to my chest to distribute them around the shelves.

Heading down the narrow corridor back to the shop floor, I shook my head. How could I have been so stupid? In hindsight, Nicholas had probably always been out of my reach: too successful and handsome for a start, and then far too damaged for me to ever claim his heart. What a pathetic case I was, moping over a man who had treated my arse so badly that I’d had trouble sitting down for days.

Well,
no more
. As of today I would move on, I decided firmly.

‘No, I’m afraid you can’t see her. Rebecca might be my manager but I’m her friend too. She’s been an absolute mess since you dumped her. She’s barely stopped crying for three whole weeks; I’m not going to let you upset her again.’ Louise said, stepping out from behind the book display she was setting up and folding her arms boldly across her chest.

‘I don’t know what she’s told you, but it was Rebecca who finished with me,’ Nicholas explained quietly, a frown creasing the soft skin between his eyebrows and causing Louise to look up in surprise.

‘Really? Well, why’s she been so upset then?’ Louise muttered, more to herself than Nicholas.

At that moment, the focus of their conversation – me – walked out into the store. Talk about dreadful timing or what. I’d been hidden away in my back office for the best part of three weeks, but the exact moment I decided to make a reappearance, so did frigging Nicholas Jackson. Fate really sucked.

As my eyes fell on Nicholas standing in the middle of my shop, I promptly dropped the stack of books I was holding, sending them cascading around my feet like a cardboard and paper puddle.

How could I still be so affected by him after three weeks apart?

It was a slight reassurance to me that he looked as awful as I felt, with his skin pale and grey, eyes dull, and posture deflated. God, even looking as terrible as he did, Nicholas was still so handsome. How unfair was that? I looked like crap warmed up and he still looked great. Bloody bastard.

Seeing him again brought it home to me that even with all his monumental fucked-up-ness I loved him, loved him so much,
so deeply
, and it took all my willpower to remember why I’d left him and not run straight into his arms for the comfort I so desperately craved.

This blinding realisation of love nearly brought me to my knees in the middle of the shop floor.

Fuck
. I was in love with Nicholas Jackson.

Blinking rapidly, I ran the thought through my mind again. I was in love with Nicholas Jackson … and he was standing ten feet away from me, staring at me like I was the last woman left on earth.

How had I not realised this sooner, I wondered. More importantly, how could I have allowed myself to love him? After everything I knew, everything he’d done. Oh God, I’d never been in love before but as I felt my throat closing up and heart aching painfully in my chest I knew once and for all that I was now. My breath was coming in short, hyperventilated drags by this point but still I couldn’t seem to move my frozen body.

Nicholas straightened his posture and I saw some of his characteristic confidence return as he skilfully sidestepped Louise, who was attempting to block his path and looking rather unsure about what to do. Then he strode to my side and ducked down to gather the books from around my feet while I tried to steady my spinning head.

Shit, shit, shit
. I was so not ready for this.

Placing the recovered books on a table, Nicholas stood up just two feet away from me. I could smell his scent, spicy and fresh, and noticed his hair looked a little damp. He must have showered recently.

Closing my eyes, I clenched my jaw so hard that my teeth hurt. Thinking about Nicholas naked in the shower was
not
going to help me get through this encounter. Forcing myself to shut off my nose, I tried to breathe through my mouth instead so I could avoid his alluring smell and visions of him all soapy, wet, and naked.

‘Rebecca,’ Nicholas murmured almost reverently, causing a shiver to run down my spine. Three weeks without that voice and yet still I found that I had goosepimples across both my arms.

Breathe. Breathe, I reminded myself as the urge to vomit registered in my brain. Oh God, I wasn’t sure I could do this. I wanted so much to fall into his arms, or run away shrieking, but I couldn’t for the life of me decide which.

This must be what going into shock feels like, I thought. Serious post-traumatic shock. A brief dizzy spell overwhelmed me for a second or two and then, snapping back to focus, I realised that I still stood in the bookshop with Louise and Nicholas staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to say or do something. Assuming I couldn’t get away with screaming and running for the hills, I instead managed to coax my forehead into a scowl. Not intentionally, really, it was just the easiest facial expression to muster up at the current time, but upon seeing my firm look, Louise scuttled off to busy herself and give me some privacy. Unfortunately, my expression didn’t have the same impact on Nicholas and he held his ground in front of me, causing me to sigh heavily.

‘Nicholas … what are you doing here?’ I managed to whisper, rather proud that I hadn’t thrown up on him, or burst into tears and fled to the sanctuary of the staff room the second I’d seen him. Especially seeing as I had spent the last several hours recalling every gory detail of our time together.

How had it all come down to this? Awkward, stiff exchanges out on the shop floor. Less than a month ago, we’d been sharing dinners and exploring each other’s body, and now we were like feuding parties in a conflict.

Oh yes, that’s right, I remember now, I thought sourly; he’d beaten the hell out of my arse with a cane. I still had the bruises to remind me every time I sat down.

‘Let me talk with you, Rebecca,’ Nicholas insisted in his familiar soft but demanding way. Seeing the raise of my eyebrow, he frowned. ‘
Please
,’ he added, his tone gentler, desperate even. ‘I won’t touch you, I promise. We can go somewhere public if you’d feel more comfortable; get a coffee, maybe? Or a drink? There’s a bar across the road.’

Chewing on my lip, I considered his offer. We did need to talk, even if just to finalise things between us. Besides, I still had belongings left at his house that I needed to collect. Seeing as it was a quiet afternoon, I spoke briefly with Louise and then, handing her the shop keys, I walked stiffly across the road to an Irish pub with Nicholas by my side, but just out of reach as he had promised.

‘Would you like a drink? Medium white wine?’ he murmured, remembering my drink of choice, a simple gesture that made me grit my teeth with longing for him.

Words didn’t seem to be forming in my mouth properly so I answered silently with a tight nod. I was going to need a drink to get me through this. Possibly several, I thought with a grimace, only just resisting the temptation to ask him to get me an entire bottle.

Once we were seated, me with my wine and him with a Coke, he looked at me for a long while as if reacquainting himself with my face. He looked … well,
sad
. As poor as that description was, it was true: soul-deep sadness seemed to radiate from him. That and the look of virtual devotion that I saw in his eyes very nearly broke me straight away.

‘How are you, Rebecca?’ he asked huskily.

Sighing heavily, I sat back in my seat and crossed my arms. ‘Are you really going to start with that, Nicholas?’ I asked, wearily rubbing a hand across my tight face. ‘Seeing as we both look like shit I don’t think it’s really worth discussing, is it?’ I lowered my tired eyes and almost dared him to chastise me for it.

After a long pause, I finally raised my face again, and saw his gaze was wide and intense and focused solely on me. ‘You were right … that day when you overheard me on the phone, Nathan told me I wasn’t capable of a relationship so I finished with you,’ Nicholas admitted quietly.

‘Why did you listen to him? You’re a grown man, Nicholas,’ I said, amazed he appeared to be about to open up to me. Why couldn’t he just have done this three weeks ago instead of grabbing a frigging cane?

Shrugging at me, he then looked at his Coke: a gesture I knew meant he felt uncomfortable because he had always been the one to push for eye contact. ‘He saved me,’ he said simply, whatever the hell that meant. ‘He always saves me.’

In our weeks apart, I might have stewed in a good deal of self-pity, but I had at least decided that I was too strong a person to stay with a man who beat me; that much I knew.

But why couldn’t I just hate him? To be able to sit here and physically hate this man with every fibre of my being would have made this so much easier and surely should be the logical emotion in a situation like this? The fact that I now knew I loved Nicholas,
was in love with him,
was overwhelming to me and, quite frankly, I was really struggling to not break down and completely freak out in the middle of the pub.

If he’d explain to me why he’d done it,
the cane
; what things in his past had created those dark feelings and urges and his sudden uncharacteristic outburst … then maybe I’d be able to understand and,
maybe
, consider a future with him. But as it was, I couldn’t. No,
I wouldn’t.

‘I’m not going to ask you to choose between your brother and me, Nicholas. It wouldn’t be fair; clearly he’s very important to you,’ I stated bitterly. ‘I need to leave.’ I stood to go. The chemistry between us was still so strong I was struggling to concentrate. The tingling static that hung between us and seemed to pull me toward him was just too much for my sanity to take. My mental breakdown was just around the corner, I could feel it, and I needed to get out now before it engulfed me.

‘Wait! Rebecca, stay … I’ll tell you …’

Tell me? Tell me what, I wondered. Why Nathan is so important to him? Why he’s fucked up like he is? Why he’s a dominant?

Nicholas’ voice had faded off but he stood with me and I could see a trembling in his hands. Seeing him so shaken was a new experience for me. Perhaps if I’d been hell bent on revenge I’d have taken pleasure in his obvious anguish … but I didn’t. In fact, it was heart-breaking to see him looking so broken.

‘
Please
.
Don’t leave
,’ Nicholas implored me, I was still fully intent on leaving but it was the haunted look in his eyes that finally broke me, and without saying another word I sat down again.

He ran a hand through his hair, looking distinctly uncomfortable, before finally returning his cloudy eyes to mine. ‘When I was a kid, my father was very strict. He used to beat Nathan and me with a belt or cane if we broke his house rules. At the time, the cane was an occasional punishment in our school too, so we grew up assuming it was normal to be punished like that at home.’

As opening lines go, that’s a pretty shocking one, I thought, my attention now fully on Nicholas and his tale.

He seemed to be on autopilot now: his eyes were fixed on the table and his shoulders stiff as he continued to speak. ‘He was the same with our mother. In fact, I can remember several times when he literally put her over his knee and spanked her in front of us when she upset him.’ Briefly closing his eyes, he paused for a moment, apparently trying to calm himself, and I found myself clenching my teeth at the images flooding my brain.

‘My father was ex-military: as such, our household was one of discipline and rules. From as early as I can remember, we weren’t even allowed to look him in the eye unless he told us to, which I hated because I could never judge his mood or see when his temper was going to erupt.’

Shifting in his seat, Nicholas leant forward on the table. His hands began to snake across the polished wood toward mine as if he required comfort, but I wasn’t ready for contact with him yet so I tucked mine in my lap. With a heavy sigh, he halted and pulled his arms back. ‘That’s why eye contact is so important to me now, Rebecca. I was never allowed it before. You have no idea how much I love seeing your feelings and emotions in your eyes; they’re so expressive I could have an entire conversation with you without words.’

Hearing the emotion and deep, heartfelt statements from Nicholas was tearing me apart and making it harder and harder to stay away from him. My chest felt like it was being ripped open and I was wringing my fingers together painfully with the effort not to touch him. At least I understood his obsession with eye contact now, and could see why it was so important to him. I nodded slowly to encourage him to continue, choosing to remain quiet for the time being.