The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design (29 page)
Read The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
landmine
Lava Lamp (Darwin Award)
license, suspended
lighter, butane
Love Bites (Science Essay)
Love Struck (Darwin Award)
lubricant, dishwashing liquid
lubricant, oil on brakes
Maia Smith, Science Writer
Man Drowns in Kitchen Sink (Darwin Award)
mechanic, inept
Medieval Flambé (Personal Account)
methamphetamine
danger of making
mid-life crisis
Mile-High Club Failure (Darwin Award)
Military Intelligence (Darwin Award)
military story
military, soldier
Mining for Elephants (Darwin Award)
motorcycle.
See
vehicle.
New Hog (Honorable Mention)
Niagara Falls
Nighttime Fun with Bullets (Honorable Mention)
nitroglycerine
Norm Sleep, Science Writer
nudist
Off-Road Driving (Darwin Award)
Oktoberfest
Oops, Did It Again (Honorable Mention)
Origin of the Novel Species Noodleous doubleous (Science Essay)
ovaries, toad, eating
Overheated Engine (Honorable Mention)
paint, body
paint, spray can
painters
Pancake Thief (Darwin Award)
paper towel dispenser
parachute, home made
Parrot Hunter (Honorable Mention)
penis
beringed
burned
severed
Picking the Winners (Introduction)
Picture Perfect Cop (Honorable Mention)
pilots
distracted
joyriding
Plug Me In (Darwin Award)
Pocket M80 (Personal Account)
poison, thallium
police, outrunning
Power Over Plate Glass (Personal Account)
prank, gone wrong
raccoon hunting
rat poison
recliner, as deck chair
Renaissance Fair
rescue, by British lads
revenge, backfire
Right Over the Dam (Darwin Award),
river
Avon
Braamfontein Spruit
Gatineau
Rocketing to Glory (Darwin Award)
roller coaster
running
alongside a car
from bison
from police
naked and screaming
toward balcony railing
Rutting Contest (Darwin Award)
safety helmet, limitation of
saliva
SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism),
seat belt, absence of
Second Time’s the Charm (Darwin Award)
Self-Demolition Derby (Darwin Award),
self-inflicted gunshot wound
Self-Protection (Honorable Mention),
Serbian Tsunami (Honorable Mention),
sex
aloft
in the street
with chocolate
with gun
sharks, feeding
Sharp Landing (Darwin Award)
sheep, bighorn
Shoot ’em Off (Darwin Award)
Shooting Blanks (Darwin Award)
shopping cart
Shortcut Cut Short (Personal Account)
Sizzling Scaffolding (Darwin Award)
Slaughterhouse Robbery (Darwin Award)
sleep deprivation, and poor judgment
sleep, beneath truck
Snake Man (Darwin Award)
snake
deadly mamba
Gaboon viper
snowmobile.
See
vehicle.
Snowmoboater (Darwin Award)
Spy vs. Self (Darwin Award)
spy, amateur
spy, professional
Stephen Darksyde, Science Writer
Stepping Out (Darwin Award)
sterilization
by cleaver
by electricity
by firecracker
by gun during sex play
by home-made explosive
by injecting saline
by pellet gun
by penis ring
stove
and air freshener
and bullets
and lava lamp
Coleman
student
biology
engineering
Stupid Car (Personal Account)
submarine, and firearms
Surprise Attack Surprise (Darwin Award)
Survival of the Fittest (Introduction)
teacher, inept
Terminal Creativity (Darwin Award)
termite control
testicle
and electricity
enlargement of
Testosterone, Chickens, and Guns (Honorable Mention)
thallium
The Army’s a Blast (Darwin Award)
The Bigger the Better (Personal Account)
The Categories (Introduction)
The Man with the Iron Stomach (Personal Account)
The Nuisance of Seatbelts (Darwin Award)
The Rules (Introduction)
The Skinny on Fat (Science Essay)
theft
as an excuse
at brothel
at slaughterhouse
of amphetamine
of dump truck
of fireworks
of honey
of snakes
of support braces
of wallets
Tide Waits for No Man (Darwin Award)
Tight Wad (Personal Account)
toad
train.
See
vehicle.
Tree Hard, Head Empty (Darwin Award)
Tree vs. Man (Darwin Award)
tree
catapulted by
falling
forcibly uprooted
immobility of
truck.
See
vehicle.
tsunami, collateral damage
Tunnel Vision (Darwin Award)
Ultimate Quest for Airtime (Darwin Award)
University
Carleton
James Cook
James Madison
Nebraska
Summit College
Taiwan
urination
vacuum repair
Vancouver Film Festival
vehicle
airplane
ATV
bicycle
boat
bus
canoe
car
BMW
demolition derby
Ford Mustang
home made
Nissan
Opel Kadett
Subaru Legacy
Volkswagon microbus
jet ski
moped
motorcycle
Harley
shopping cart
snowmobile
SUV, on ice
train
truck
truck, dump
venom
hemotoxic
neurotoxic
toad
Victoria Falls
Village Idiot (Personal Account)
Volunteer Fire Man (Personal Account)
vomit
after Oktoberfest
clue for investigators
Wades With Sharks (Honorable Mention)
Warm Snakes (Honorable Mention)
Watch Out for That Tree! (Darwin Award)
Watch Where You’re Going (Personal Account)
waterfall, Niagara Falls
welding
Welding Warning (Honorable Mention)
What I Can Still Do (Darwin Award)
wheelchair
White Russians (Honorable Mention)
Why There Are Darwin Awards (Introduction)
Wild Wheelchair Ride (Personal Account)
Workin’ at the Car Wash (Darwin Award)
“A do-it-yourself circumcision,”
“A dull blade is the most dangerous weapon,”
“A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,”
“A pure neurotoxin—it gives you a buzz,”
“A victim of his own good deed,”
“All of a sudden, fire shot from his pocket,”
“Bill felt a sudden urge to see what it looked like from the inside,”
“Both the twigs and berries were burned,”
“C’mere, I’ve got something to show you,”
“Despite the howling winds, she climbed on the roof,”
“Firecrackers can’t hurt you!”
“He considered and rejected the long walk down,”
“He decided to use the wasted space in the engine bay,”
“He instructed everyone to step back, and lit the wick,”
“He knew it wasn’t a good idea from the start,”
“He raised his hairless eyebrows and said, ‘No more!’”
“He said it couldn’t explode. His friends disagreed,”
“He thought he could jump, roll, and stand,”
“He was a big fan of reality TV and high-risk stunts,”
“He was completely hysterical,”
“His curiosity piqued, he bent over for a closer look,”
“‘I can do it,’ he insisted,”
“I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t walk,”
“I hurt in places I didn’t know could hurt,”
“I want it closer in. Have another shot,”
“I want to be the jerk that flirts with death…”
“If only they had duct taped him to his wheelchair,”
“Ignoring Coast Guard warnings David…”
“It doesn’t happen every day,”
“It falls into a legal gray area,”
“It was a mid-age crisis,”
“It was an accident waiting to happen,”
“It was one of my most embarrassing moments,”
“Luckily it lodged in the motor area of the brain,”
“Maybe I used too much paper,”
“Mental note: use a shorter bungee cord next time,”
“One of the smartest guys I ever met,”
“Rules prohibit under-flights, over-jumps, and other aberrant behavior,”
“See what I can still do!”
“Sharp pointy things,”
“She laughed off police advice, and continued on…”
“Shoot ’em off before she gets here!”
“Speeding like a maniac, drinking like a fish,”
“The explosion shook the block,”
“There’s ordinary foolishness, and extraordinary foolishness,”
“They thought it would be all ha, ha and funny,”