Read The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Anecdotes, #General, #Stupidity, #Essays
The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (16 page)
“That’ll fix him.”
“Crotchety old man.”
“Something is missing….”
“In a high-pitched voice: ‘OH, MY GOD!’”
Darwin Award: Descent of Man
Unconfirmed
NEW YORK
In twenty years on the NYPD I witnessed plenty of ill-considered death and mayhem. In one case we responded to a body-in-a-courtyard call. We found a nineteen-year-old man who had obviously perished by falling from a great height. We ruled out suicide, as access to the roof was secure, and there were no open windows. Eventually we located an informative eyewitness.
The man’s younger brother told us that the two of them had intended to burglarize an apartment. His brother had climbed a cable TV wire to a fifth-floor window and, while struggling to force the window, had lost his grip on the thin cable and fallen to his death. The brother panicked and ran.
When I asked why they had selected that particular apartment, the brother looked at me incredulously and replied, “Obviously they got a TV if they got a cable going in the window.”
Reference: Eyewitness account by an NYPD police officer
Darwin Award: On the Piste
Confirmed True by Darwin
2 FEBRUARY 2008, ITALY
David, forty-six, was sliding down an Italian ski slope one night, riding on padding that he had removed from the safety barriers at the bottom of the run. It did not occur to him that it might be dangerous to sled down the same slope from which he had stolen protective padding.
Sauze d’Oulx is one of five villages that make up the Milky Way ski area in northern Italy. Popular with British skiers, the resort is known for its party atmosphere. A ski resort spokesperson for Sauze d’Oulx said, “The men had all been drinking when they tore off the padding, and ironically…”
“The ski area is known for its party atmosphere.”
…they careened straight into the bare barriers at the bottom of the piste (groomed slope). David died from head and chest injuries inflicted by the unpadded metal. Two of his friends survived with medical attention. Another Darwin Award candidate is still missing after he wandered away “bloodied and distressed.”
Reference: UK
Daily Telegraph
, dailymail.co.uk
Darwin Award: Slippery When Wet
Confirmed True by Darwin
15 JANUARY 2008, SWEDEN
The Darwin Awards have celebrated many boneheaded things burglars do in the commission of their crimes. For instance, taking a shortcut down a fifty-five-foot sheer rock face.
Early one morning two men broke into a gymnasium (high school) east of Stockholm. After a profitable stroll through the school, they were startled by a janitor. They raced out of the building into the predawn darkness. Fearing imminent detection, they took a shortcut to safety—down the face of a steep fifty-five-foot rock escarpment. But in selecting this convenient shortcut they failed to consider three crucial facts:
First, it was pitch-black. Due to the northern latitude the sun rises late in Sweden.
Second, it had rained during the night.
And third, the rock in eastern Sweden is granite, the type of rock that is polished into posh floors and fancy counter-tops. The danger of slippery granite is a well-known fact for residents of the area.
“This is the province of mountain goats, not humans hoping to pass on their genes.”
Escaping down a granite cliff, in the rain, in the dark? Try tilting a slab of polished granite, pouring water over it, and making a controlled descent while carrying a load of loot. This is the province of mountain goats, not humans hoping to pass on their genes. In short, one of the burglars slipped and fell head over heels to his death, bringing a new meaning to
the crack of dawn
.
He was found with his worldly riches scattered around him.
Reference: aftonbladet.se
“The best laid schemes of mice and men go oft astray.”
—Robert Burns
Darwin Award: Four Great Ideas
Unconfirmed
25 MARCH 2007, OREGON
Anthony was stopped for speeding. The vehicle that the twenty-year-old was driving checked out as stolen in Idaho. The deputy called for backup and placed the suspect and his passengers in separate patrol cars. Here, Anthony had his first great idea! He thought he could outsmart the police, a notion that often proves harmful to the perp.
“He thought he could outsmart the police, a notion that often proves harmful.”
While the officers had their backs turned, Anthony managed to move his handcuffed hands from behind to in front of his body. His second great idea was to wiggle through the small window to the front seat of the patrol car. His third great idea? He drove off in the patrol car, never mind the state patrol officers and deputies from two counties.
Naturally, Anthony wished to elude pursuit. He did so by driving ninety miles an hour, passing some cars and forcing others off the road. He was rapidly approaching the city of Lakeview when he encountered spike strips placed in his way by the police. But not even the setback of flat tires slowed him down. He thought he could still control the disabled car and outrun the police!
We will never know what he might have done if he had reached Lakeview. Following standard procedure, a state patrolman rammed the rear quarter panel of the stolen police cruiser, a move designed to spin and slow the car. But due to the flat tire and Anthony’s erratic driving the vehicle spun off the road and rolled.
Anthony’s final mistake? He had neglected to fasten his seat belt. He was thrown from the car and died a week later. Whether or not he managed to learn anything during that final week of reflection, one hopes that others will.
Reference: Anonymous eyewitness account
“Life is wasted on the living.”
—Douglas Adams
At Risk Survivor: Red-Hot Chili Peppers
Unconfirmed
One day an inmate stole a bag of jalapeño peppers in juice. Kitchen work is coveted by inmates because of these fringe benefits. He stuffed the plastic bag down the front of his pants. But as he attempted his getaway, the bag burst. In an attempt to cool the fires the prisoner jumped into the shower. It was winter and there was only one water temperature: hot. This only made matters worse!
The inmate was subsequently nicknamed “Crispy Balls.”
Reference: Eyewitness account by Karmyn Crabb
Reader Comment:
“Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Fire!”
By Jason Stevens, Darwin Awards philosopher
W
hen children ask about reproduction, the storks-bring-babies story eventually gives way to a discussion of “the birds and the bees.” Such talks may be only slightly more enlightening than the stork fable. Much can be said about bee reproduction without revealing insights into the human process. Avian biology is more diverse but also provides an awkward platform from which to launch a discussion about human sexuality.
Most birds have nothing much resembling human sex organs. Most male and female birds possess internal reproductive systems leading to a single, multipurpose opening known as the cloaca. Virtuoso courtship songs, dazzling visual displays, and even sophisticated nest constructions play roles in the selection of mates. Yet the genetic transfer itself typically involves no more contact than an act poetically characterized as the “cloacal kiss.”
However, ornithologists have long known that some bird species do have a male phallus and a female vagina. In dramatic cases this is impossible to overlook. To wit, the Argentine lake duck sports a male member that may exceed the length of the animal’s own body. Though that is an extreme example, many other species of duck are endowed with relatively long penises…often in the shape of a corkscrew!
Previous generations of scientists did not investigate the subject in great depth. Nature provides a vast array of spectacular subjects to study without venturing into territory one’s peers may regard as lascivious. Yet by 2001, when
Nature
published a brief report raising questions about links between duck penis traits and reproductive selection, the time had come for curiosity to vanquish reluctance.
Enter Dr. Patricia Brennan. Initially her interest in ducks stemmed from a specific academic inquiry. Various species exhibit different frequencies of behavior clinically described as “forced copulation.” Since all these modern species evolved from a common ancestor species, ducks are ideal subjects for investigating the influence of forced copulation on physical evolution.
“When I saw my first [duck] phallus, I cannot even describe to you what I felt. It’s the most amazing organ that you will ever see,” Dr. Brennan recollects. Not only are some duck penises long, and not only are some spiral-shaped, but some are even equipped with a feathery tip! To understand the basis for all this anatomical variation Dr. Brennan decided to examine reproductive systems in female ducks.
The results would surprise almost anyone but a duck. Females did not simply have a vaginal canal long enough to accommodate the phallus of a compatible drake. In species featuring a coil in the male phallus, vaginas spiral in the opposite direction. This intensifies the degree of struggle required to accomplish fertilization without cooperation. Some females also developed branching canals, complete with musculature to divert a penis from the proper canal to an infertile sac. Without a relaxed and compliant mate, these features dramatically reduce a male’s chances of successful fertilization.
The feathery tip of a male duck phallus, a feature of those species most extreme in their incidence of forced copulation, appears to be used to swab out seminal fluid deposited by a prior mating. Observational data indicates that females also discourage fertilization through behaviors such as using water to cleanse themselves internally after an unwanted mating.
The emerging picture suggested that duck reproduction was as far removed from the avian cloacal kiss as the cheetah’s sprint is from the ponderous stride of the sloth. Yet crucial questions remained. Were the unusual features of ducks’ phalluses similar to the male peacock’s train, adapted to an extreme because presentation plays a crucial role in sexual selection? Or was this instead a sort of evolutionary battle with each side escalating to gain control over the fertilization process?
Bird mating behaviors have long drawn the attention of ornithologists and hobbyist birdwatchers alike. Consider some of the spectacular techniques males employ to gain the attention of receptive females.
- Zebra finch
(Taeniopygia guttata)
—elaborate and loud bird-song - Greater bird of paradise
(Paradisaea apoda)
—competitive dancing displays - Northern cardinal
(Cardinalis cardinalis)
—eye-catching red coloration - Great frigate bird
(Fregata minor)
—large inflatable throat bladder - Satin bowerbird
(Ptilonorhynchus violaceus)
—ornately decorated love nests
Based on the mating behavior of other bird species the case for a long male duck phallus as a visual enticement had some merit. Yet this did not explain why the reproductive anatomy of female ducks seemed adapted as much to frustrate as to accommodate the exotic endowments of their counterparts. Dr. Brennan advanced the hypothesis that the real driving force behind these adaptations was “postcopulatory competition.” To gather data she and her collaborators scrutinized the behavior and anatomy of sixteen species of waterfowl.
A complex empirical process known as phylogenetic analysis was able to establish that the unusual shapes in male and female duck genitalia evolved in tandem. This view of coevolution is further supported by a simple fact confirming one of Dr. Brennan’s key predictions. From one duck species to another the complexity of genital morphology varies in clear correlation with the incidence of forced copulation! This analysis enabled scientists to make precise predictions about the shape of duck features yet to be examined. Testable predictions are an essential part of the scientific process.
All that twisty anatomy is evolution’s response to the conflicting goals of males and females. Male ducks seek to produce as many offspring as possible, while female ducks seek the best father for a clutch of eggs. Drakes may attempt fertilization via forced copulation, but hens resist by refusing to relax a complex vaginal canal or by offering up reproductive dead ends to unwelcome mates. The mechanisms male ducks evolved to usurp the prerogative of sexual selection are marginalized by female countermeasures.
The fact that some species of duck feature a long corkscrew penis is an intriguing observation. The complexities of female genitalia in those species are no less intriguing. Solving the puzzle of their interrelationship required research into areas that had previously received little scientific attention. Particular findings in that work added testable new knowledge to human understanding of sexual selection’s role in evolution. Researchers have opened a new window into the process by which complex social interactions can result in the evolution of some astonishing physical features.
The responsibility to tell a young person about “the birds and the bees” is a daunting one. Yet it may be possible to take solace from the study of birds. Were we less like humans and more like ducks, explaining reproduction and sexuality to the next generation would be considerably more complicated than it actually is.
Brennan, P. L., R. O. Prum, K. G. McCracken, M. D. Sorenson, R. E. Wilson, et al.,
2007. Coevolution of Male and Female Genital Morphology in Waterfowl.
PLoS
ONE.
2(5): e418. plosone.org/doi/pone.0000418.
Catlin, Roger. July 11, 2007. Duck Sex.
TV Eye.
blogs.courant.com/roger_catlin
_tv_eye/2007/07/duck-sex.html.
McCracken, Kevin G., Robert E. Wilson, Pamela J. McCracken, Kevin P. Johnson,
September 13, 2001. Are ducks impressed by drakes’ display?
Nature.
413: 138.
Williams, Liz. May 3, 2007. Duck genitals locked in arms race. Cosmos Online.
www.cosmosmagazine.com/node/1277.
Bowerbird mating techniques:
www.msri.org/ext/larryg/pages/15.htm
Scheduled for a Halloween delivery in 1972,
Jason Stevens
wisely postponed his birthdate until November 12. The years to follow would see him learning to walk, talk, and program primitive computers with line-numbered BASIC. His lifelong interest in science and technology is joined by interests in the performing arts, politics, history, and philosophy. During his college years he earned distinction as a member of the Bradley University Speech Team and rent money as a board operator/announcer for public radio’s WCBU-FM. Since then he helped establish two short-lived small businesses, played keyboards with an even more short-lived rock band, and typed an unknown number of gratuitously long sentences. The publication of this piece constitutes a milestone in his ongoing quest for prosaic succinctness.