The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (20 page)

Darwin Award: Electronic Fireworks

Confirmed True by Darwin

1 JANUARY 2007, NETHERLANDS

The first Darwin Award of 2007 went to Serge, thirty-six, who thought it reasonable to hover over an illegal professional firework and light the
electronic
ignition with an open flame. This was not a traditional fuse—it was a device designed for precision timing, and a flame should not have been used at all. Regardless of the fuse type a person’s head should never be placed in the way of a firework.

The heat triggered an immediate launch and the firework catapulted upward, killing our amateur pyrotechnician en route to a spectacular burst across the night sky.

A witness told reporters, “His face disappeared. If someone has no face left, you know it’s serious.” Serge had purchased the firework legally in Belgium but then illegally transported it into the Netherlands. His father disputed the notion that Serge was careless, characterizing his son as a man who gave due consideration to his acts.

Every year another idiot gets nominated for a Darwin Award for this same reason. Please, readers, keep your itchy fingers off the triggers of these dangerous fireworks!

Reference: fok.nl, ad.nl

Darwin Award: Rolling Stones

Confirmed True by Darwin

20 MARCH 2006, VIETNAM

A rolling stone is not all that gathers no moss. Three Vietnamese men scavenging for scrap metal found an unexploded five-hundred-pound bomb perched atop a hill near Hanoi and decided to retrieve it with a little help from Sir Isaac Newton. After all, gravity is free. As they rolled the bomb down the hillside, it detonated, blasting a four-meter crater and sending all three entrepreneurs to a face-to-face meeting with their deceased hero.

Reference: WISTV.com

Darwin Award: Hammer of Doom

Confirmed True by Darwin

AUGUST 2006, BRAZIL

August brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a rocket-propelled grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked—in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place.

Fourteen more RPGs were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn’t scrap then, it certainly is now!

Reference: WISTV.com,
O Dia
(Brazil), msnbc.com, UK
Daily Mail

Reader Comments:

“Wham…wham…kaboom!”

“This is the hardest egg I ever had to crack!”

“More scrap metal than he planned for.”

Darwin Award: Timing Is Everything

Confirmed True by Darwin

9 DECEMBER 2007, INDIANA

Russell, nineteen, had a grudge against a semitruck abandoned on a rural property. Russell was not the silent, brooding type. He was a man of action. He built a gunpowder-and-propane tank bomb, attached a timer, planted it in the moldering truck, and retreated to a distant vantage point to wait for the fireworks.

And waited.

And waited, until he could wait no more. No boom? This was not right. Why was nothing happening? Russell approached the stubborn truck—just in time for an up-close-and-personal look at a cloud of rapidly expanding incandescent gas.

Detectives found bomb-making materials at Russell’s mobile home and believe he was also responsible for two explosions the night before his death, one at the mobile home park and another at a hobby shop. Although Russell will be missed, we are all a bit safer now.

Reference: theindychannel.com;
The Indianapolis Star; The Star Press,
Muncie, IN

At Risk Survivor: The Flaming Shot

Unconfirmed

NOVEMBER 2001, MINNESOTA

Grain alcohol and fire don’t mix.

After consuming many cocktails at a party, my friends and I had a BRILLIANT idea to pour a shot of ALCOHOL and set it on FIRE and drink it. I believe the ultimate goal was to impress the ladies present.

This excellent suggestion would be easy to accomplish since we had nearly pure grain alcohol in front of us. Let me add that the person who described the flaming shot neglected to mention that you are supposed to blow it out before swallowing it.

So we poured the liquor into a shot glass and set it on fire. So far, so good! We looked at each other, each hoping someone else would volunteer to be the guinea pig. After much debate we had our first contender. My friend proceeded to pick up the shot glass, put it down, pick it up, put it down, and finally he simply stared at the flames for a good two minutes.

“C’mon, man up!”

“?!$%!! that!” he declared.

I decided that the democratic process would produce no results. I picked up the hot glass and slammed the flaming concoction down my throat. Upside: The fire was quickly extinguished after I closed my mouth. Downside: The inside of my mouth felt and tasted like it was burning. For two days.

I was too much in shock to speak.

The friend who had previously hesitated saw how easily the shot had been dispatched and prepared another for himself. Not to be outdone, he poured the grain alcohol right up to the rim of the glass and lit it. Upside: He would outdo me! Downside: Completely full shot glasses are difficult to lift without spilling. And if the liquor is on fire when it spills…

He proceeded to light his hand and the countertop on fire. Then, demonstrating that drinking does in fact reduce reaction time, he tried to stop drinking it but ended up pouring it on his face and sweatshirt. Upside: His goatee insulated his face from the fire. Downside: Hair is flammable. He caught on fire.

Most of his facial hair was burning by the time we stopped laughing long enough to realize he had no idea what to do. We extinguished the growing blaze by slapping him in the face with a kitchen towel. Fortunately for us, but less fortunately for the gene pool, this event did not qualify anyone for a Darwin Award.

Moral: Any feat involving fire and grain alcohol that is described as brilliant…isn’t.

Reference: Eyewitness account by Colin Hammer

At Risk Survivor: Star Wars

Confirmed True by Darwin

2006, ENGLAND

Two people, seventeen and twenty, emulated Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader and fought each other with lightsabers. Only, they didn’t have toy lightsabers, so they made their own from fluorescent lightbulbs. That’s right, they each opened up a fluorescent tube, poured gasoline inside, and lit the bulb. As one can imagine, a Star Wars–sized explosion was not far behind. Both participants survived to confess to their creative, but stupid, film reenactment.

Darwin says: Seventeen is the legal driving age. Old enough to pump gas is old enough to know better than to light gasoline in a fluorescent tube.

Reference: BBC News,
Daily Telegraph

Reader Comment:

“Maybe they should have stuck to the Dark Side.”

At Risk Survivor: Unfinished Project

Unconfirmed