The Davis Years (Indigo) (19 page)

“Back together?” Jemma looked from Davis to Ayn and back again, having no idea what was going on. Davis shrugged and mouthed
who knows?
to Jemma.

“Yeah, Davis said you were the one who got away.” Ayn’s green eyes lit up. She turned her eager gaze on Jemma.

“Ayn, we have to go inside now. We’ll catch you later.” Davis grabbed Jemma’s hand and started for his front door.

“I hope you are ’cause he’s been a lot less mopey since you showed up.” Ayn’s voice followed them across the yard.

“Bye, Ayn,” Jemma said. “Nice meeting you.”

“Bye!” Ayn waved and jogged back to her house.

“Your neighbor, huh?” Jemma asked as Davis unlocked the front door.

Davis nodded. “And the nosiest person in the entire universe.”

Jemma laughed. “The entire universe, Davis? I haven’t seen her once in all the times I’ve been over here.”

“Doesn’t mean she hasn’t seen you,” he said in a sing-song voice, closing the front door after them.

He hopped in the shower and she went to his room to wait for him. After sitting at his desk, she flipped through channels on his television until he came back into the room wearing only sweat pants, his wet black hair plastered to his head. He hadn’t been huge before—not bulky, but solidly muscled. Now, he was skinny. Still, he was perfect to her.

She stood and stretched, watching him walk over to her.

“You know what I was thinking about in the shower?” he asked, taking her hands in his and pressing them to his cheeks.

“No clue.” She smiled, pushing her hands up through his damp, black hair.

“I was thinking about how great it would be if we could erase our memories. Erase all the bad that’s happened.”

“Haven’t you seen
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
? That’s dangerous stuff.”

“Yeah. But still.”

“You know what I was thinking about while you were in the shower?”

“What?”

She gave him a wicked grin. “You in the shower.”

He chuckled. “Were you?”

She kissed his throat at his Adam’s apple. “And about you getting out of the shower.”

“And what else?”

She kissed his chest, then moved her lips to his collar bone. “This. Kissing you.”

“I wish it was last night again,” Davis said. “There was something I wanted to say to you. But I made myself not say it.”

“There’s too much talking going on right now.” She reached up to kiss his chin.

“Oh, and what should be going on right now?”

She put her arms around him and hugged him close. “I’ll show you.”

She wasn’t going to let him say something that could have changed her entire world. She’d made up her mind about the way the future had to be. Leaving was the only way. She was afraid of what she’d become if she stayed.

***

The next morning, Jemma woke up early. She stretched at an angle, careful not to disturb Davis, who was still asleep. She hadn’t been able to sleep well and so she slipped out of bed a little after dawn. She grabbed her running shoes and her bag and tip-toed out of the room. She changed into her running gear in the bathroom because she didn’t want to disturb him.

Most of the night, she’d watched Davis sleep while trying to turn off her thoughts. It was hard, though. She kept thinking about the fact that maybe the new person she’d thought she’d become was just an illusion. And Derring was shattering that illusion. Maybe after all of her hard work and trying to beat it, she’d ended up being like Lynette after all. Selfish. Bitter. Willing to push everyone and anyone aside to do what she wanted. Putting herself first, not caring who got hurt in the process.

After her run, she checked her email on Davis’s computer, took a shower, and got dressed. Davis slept through all of that so she started cleaning his room. Cleaning was her thing. Some people shopped to clear their minds, some baked. She cleaned or ran, and running hadn’t done the trick that morning.

While she worked, she started to think about her family and her old life in Derring. Maybe she’d been running too long. She guessed part of her realized that. And perhaps that was the real reason she’d come back. Not to prove something that was impossible to prove, but to begin to actually be okay with what had happened instead of only pretending she’d put the past behind her. To reconnect with her old friends and to stop running. That way, moving to Florida really would be a new start and not just her running further, trying to put even more distance between her and the real problem.

When she got bored with piling up his dirty laundry and dishes, she thought about cooking breakfast. She had to go downstairs to start his laundry and throw dishes in the sink anyway.

She was headed for the door when Davis stirred. Yawning, he asked in a croaky voice, “Where you going?”

She held a bundle of dirty clothes to her hip. “To start some laundry. And breakfast. Your room is disgusting, by the way.”

“I know, by the way.” He waved to her, gesturing that she should come back to bed. She sighed and dropped the laundry. Kicking off her sandals, she walked across the room to him.

She sank down onto the bed and Davis curled up behind her and settled his head into the crook of her neck. He placed his hand over her arm and she relaxed against him.

“You okay?” he said into her ear while stroking her arm.

It would have been too easy to get used to that. She closed her eyes and answered, “Yes.” She didn’t want to think about how nice it would have been to wake up that way every morning. She really didn’t.

“I can tell something’s been bothering you. You can tell me anything. You used to know that.” He kissed her neck.

What they were doing didn’t feel all the way right, but it didn’t feel wrong, either. “I’ve been thinking. A lot. Would you do something for me? Well, help me with something?” There was something she needed to do that she’d been avoiding for way too long. She hoped it would help her genuinely move on instead of just pretending she had. But she didn’t think she could do it alone.

“Anything.” Davis lay his cheek against hers.

She turned to face him and pressed her forehead to his. “I want to put it behind me. And I think I need some help with that. All of it. I want you to come with me to where the apartment was. And to—and to their graves.”

“Of course. Tell me when.”

She closed her eyes. “Soon. Today. I want to get it over with. I’ve gone too long already without moving on.”

“Okay.” He trailed his fingers up and down her arms in a slow, hypnotic way.

“I can’t let her—she can’t keep ruining my life, and I need to let her know that. I need to let myself know it.” Jemma didn’t realize she was crying until Davis wiped the tears away with the sides of his thumbs.

“Shh. She can’t hurt you now.” He whispered the words so close to her face that she felt the warmth of his breath on her cheek.

“And Bill can’t hurt you now, either.” She looked up at him, putting her hand to his cheek. “Have you made peace with him? And what about your brothers?”

A look of pain flickered across his face before he could smooth it over with a smile. “Don’t you worry about Bill. And don’t worry about them, either. We have an understanding.”

“You need to talk about it.”

“No. I want you to let it all out. Let me be here for you. This won’t be like before. I feel like all I ever did back then was dump my problems on you. It’s your turn.”

“Okay.” Not letting go was only hurting Jemma. And there was no reason not to let go. It was best for herself, for everyone. “I have to let it go. Please help me let it go. All of it.”

“Of course I will.” Davis stroked her cheek with the back of his hand.

At that moment, she saw herself giggling with her little brother. Lynette came into the room where Jemma sat with the book she’d been reading to Demonte in her lap. Lynette slapped the book away, screeching at Jemma that she was worthless. She found out later that what set the woman off was the fact that Jemma hadn’t paid the electric bill that Lynette hadn’t left her enough money to pay. “I couldn’t save him.” She swiped at her tears.

“It’s okay,” Davis said quietly, gathering her close to him.

She buried her head in his chest until she could stop the sobs. Before either of them could say anything else, she lifted her face toward his and he kissed her bottom lip softly. She wanted the distraction and she needed him. She pressed her hands to the sides of his face and then let one slide over his shoulder and down his side.

Her hands reached his navel and he chuckled. “That tickles.”

“Does this?”

“Oh, no. That does something else. And if you don’t stop causing that to happen, we’re going to both be in trouble.”

She grinned. “What kind of trouble?”

She shrieked with laughter as he grabbed her by the thighs and pulled her under him.

“This kind of trouble.” He trailed kisses across her collar bone.

“Well then. Maybe I like being in trouble.” Jemma stopped him in the middle of a kiss. “Am I bad person, Davis?”

“Nothing’s bad about you.” He wrapped his arms around her in a soothing hug.

“I feel that sometimes, I haven’t been—I’m not—all I should be to Emily Rose, to you—to everybody I care about.”

“Don’t worry about any of that. We all know you love us.”

Jemma lay there, feeling the pressure of his body against hers, the warmth of his breath in her ear. Just feeling because that was safer than thinking.

“I wish you could see all the good about you. Because there is so much good about you. What about all you did to save Emily Rose’s wedding day?”

“You saved her wedding day.”

“Not by myself I didn’t. But not only that. You were by her side on the day you knew meant the most to her. You give all you can. Don’t beat yourself up for the things you can’t change. Think about the wonderful things.” He kissed her temple, barely brushing his lips against her skin. “And there is a lot of wonderful.”

Jemma held Davis’s face in her hands and looked up at him with a lazy smile. What if she decided she couldn’t leave him again? Would that be wonderful? She couldn’t say those kinds of things out loud. They meant big trouble and could have hurt more than they helped. Because realistically, she couldn’t see herself being able to stay in Derring without falling apart. She couldn’t see the two of them ever working out as a couple. The two of them together would have been too much brokenness in one place.

Davis smiled and kissed her on the nose. “I don’t wanna let you go again.”

She pressed her lips to his and kissed him hard. Her hungry, needy, greedy kisses didn’t scare him off. His need matched hers, kiss for kiss and touch for touch. Her hands pushed against him, her fingers kneaded into his skin. Her mind flashed back to the lake, to the reception, to the sofa before the wedding.

Her kisses became softer but still insistent as she thought about his sad marriage to Tara and the child he’d lost. Bill and Davis having to be in that house alone together again. His lost scholarship. The Vicodin bottle—Jemma always heard the pills jangling around in the bottle in his pocket, even though he was right. He hardly ever took the bottle out of his pocket. All his hurts. She tried to put how much she cared for him and wanted him to heal into every touch of her lips to his. Because she couldn’t bear to say those things out loud.

He linked his fingers through hers and she smiled against his lips before going back to kissing him. She lost herself in the world of their kiss so she wouldn’t have to think of the complicated things happening and changing in the world outside of it.

Later that afternoon, Jemma decided they had to go before she could lose her nerve. So Davis ate a quick lunch—Jemma insisted that he at least have a sandwich, but she was too nervous to eat—and then they headed for the place she used to live.

The modest apartment complex consisted of several squat, beige buildings clustered together against a forest backdrop. Most of the residents were Section Eight voucher holders, as Lynette had been. All of them had to be below a certain income level to live there, whether they were Section Eight or not. Jemma drew in a sharp breath as Davis pulled up in front of the unit where Jemma had lived. She stared at the letter on the door. Apartment E.

“They rebuilt it,” Jemma said, breaking the heavy silence. What had she expected? That they would leave the unit a charred hole in the ground, some sort of morbid monument to all she’d lost?

She stepped out of the car and closed the door. She heard Davis doing the same behind her. She hugged herself and leaned against him when his arm went around her.

“She was worthless as a mother, but she was all we had.” She laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Demonte loved her so much. He didn’t know any better. She might not have had an easy life, but . . .” She shook her head. “I’ve tried so hard to put myself in her shoes. Pregnant at sixteen. Running away from home. To live with some old man who should have been arrested for statutory rape? He ran out on her anyway. He left right after my sister was born.” She took a deep breath and pressed her fingers into her sides. “What I can never wrap my mind around is, why did she have to take it out on us?”