The Dead Fathers Club (7 page)

When Dad died Mum didnt wear her tan or her Make Up but when she started seeing more of Uncle Alan she wore her tan again all over and her Make Up even at breakfast and she went to the gym with Renuka again and when she didnt go to the gym she did the DVD and it was called The Hollywood Work-out with Nancy and Bobby.

And I was with her before I went to school and she had her face in the carpet and her arms and legs in the air. Bobby with big muscles was saying This is called the Superman move because with your arms and legs off the floor you can feel like you are flying.

And I said Mum how longs Uncle Alan staying here?

And Mum was coughing into the carpet and saying Hes being very kind Philip.

And that was an answer to a different question so I asked the question again and she said Please Philip Im doing my workout.

All the way to school I was thinking how I was going to kill Uncle Alan because the No Time was getting less and less every day.

When I got to school everyone knew I was Going Out with Leah and she was right Dominic Weekly didnt pick on me and Jordan Harper didnt. Well they laughed at me a bit but that was all. And all Going Out is is holding hands at break and sitting on the bench with Leahs friends who are like Leah but not as pretty and all think Im funny even when Im serious. Especially then. And I think everyone was starting to forget about the mini bus because no one called me Skitso now and boys talked to me again not just Nigel Curtain other boys like the twins Ross and Gary who are Carla the Barmaids sons. Ross and Gary are good at Football and they are exactly the same except Ross has a line in his eyebrow.

I played heads and volleys with them at lunch and Leah watched but I wasnt as good but they didnt laugh too much and Leah didnt laugh at all. Gary let me hear some music on his headphones and it was 50 Cent who is a rapper in New York and you have to nod your head when you listen to him so I nodded my head.

I didnt see my dads ghost all day so he was either in the Terrors or with the dead fathers talking ghost things and it was the best day at school since he crashed and died in the car. The lessons I had were French and I learnt la bibliotheque is library and la gare is station and we heard a song called Quelle est la date de ton anniversaire? which means When is your birthday? and which is not like 50 Cent. Cent means 100. And then we had Geography with Mr Rosen and I learnt about the four layers of the Earth.

Everything you see is the top layer which is the crust like on bread. Below the crust layer there is bits of melted rock called Magma and under that is solid rock which is very very hot and the third layer is melted metal and right in the middle is the INNER CORE which is solid metal and that is the hottest bit of the Earth. So the crust with all the fields and the seas and the buildings is like Make Up on top of the hot red bubbly rocks and metals under our feet.

I walked home on the Earths Make Up with Leah and she said Lets see your arm.

I said What?

She undid my button and pulled up my shirt to see my arm and it was normal and she showed her arm and it still said LEAH + PHILIP. And she punched me for letting it fade but it was only a joke punch and she told me about her brother called Dane who is 16 and he is big and muscly and has an earring in his eyebrow and a skin head and a green Kappa top. He is in Year Eleven and we met him on the corner of Harcourt Street and he was smoking and squinting his eyes like the smoke hurt inside him and he had his shirt half out and half in.

Leah told Dane to Be nice.

Dane said Do you want to go twos on this?

He held out the cigarette glowing red like lava and I said No.

He said Dont worry Im only joking.

It went quiet even Leah who speaks a lot normally but not in front of her brother. And in the silence I wondered if Dads Ghost had got it wrong about Uncle Alan killing him because Leah and Dane were nice and that meant Mr Fairview might be nice and Mr Fairview is best friends with Uncle Alan so Uncle Alan might be nice and not a killer. But I thought in my head Dont go soft again.

And Dane said Youre the one who stole the mini bus.

I said Yes.

He said Thats well cool.

And then he said Im sorry about your dad.

I said Its OK.

He said our mum died.

I said Oh.

And then Dane said to me What music do you like?

And I didnt know what to say because I didnt listen to music since Dad died I just watched my fish and did my homework. I used to listen to Dads music which was Marvin Gaye but I remembered just in time and I said 50 Cent.

Dane nodded so it was the Right Answer. And he told me about 50 Cent being shot but still being alive and he told me about other rappers like Eminem who hates his mum and Jay Zee who loves his mum and Can Yay West who he said is good but raps a lot about Jesus.

And we talked and Leah walked behind us and we passed a lot of newspapers in a bush and they were Danes from his Paper Round and then we got near their house and they both went quiet. I thought that it would be a posh house because Mr Fairview was rich and it was a big house but it was crumbly with flaky paint on the door like Carla the Barmaids flaky arm.

Mr Fairview was at the window and pulling back the curtains and staring at me and staring at Leah and staring at Dane. And when Mr Fairview went away Dane flicked his cigarette in the front garden which was very WEEDY and the red bit like Magma landed on the ground but didnt go out.

And Leah said See you tomorrow.

Dane said like in a film Be good to her.

And I said Yes.

The twins Ross and Gary were in the Pub sitting down with Tango cans at a table waiting for their mum. Normally they ignore me and I just go upstairs but they were my friends today because they let me listen to their music at lunch break and play heads and volleys.

Ross saw me when I was in the hall and his hand said Come here and then Garys hand said Come here so I went over to them and they said both together All right?

I said All right?

Garys head was leaning to the right and Rosss head was leaning to the left so they looked like there was a mirror in the middle of them apart from the line in Rosss eyebrow.

Gary said It must be well mad living in a Pub.

I said I suppose.

Ross said Do you nick crisps?

I said No.

Gary said If I lived in a Pub Id always nick the crisps.

Ross said Do you nick the peanuts?

I said I dont like peanuts.

Gary said Dont you like peanuts?

I said No.

Ross said Peanuts are mint.

Gary said Peanuts are the best peanuts are.

Ross did a burp in three levels. First quiet then medium then loud. Then Gary did a smaller burp and they laughed and then they looked at me and I swallowed air and tried to burp but I couldnt and then they laughed louder but then they looked at the bar and Carla and Uncle Alan were there and they stopped laughing and smiled at me like they liked me.

Ross said Are you going out with Leah?

Gary said She is well fit.

Ross said Does she have dog breath when you snog her?

I said No.

Gary said Does she stick her tongue in?

I said No.

Ross said Do you get a dong on when she kisses you?

I said I dont know.

Gary gulped his Tango and said Does she fart?

I said No.

Ross said Does she never fart ever?

I said I dont know.

Gary said Girls that fart are gross.

Ross said I hate girls that fart.

Gary said I heard Charlotte Ward fart once.

Ross said Charlotte Ward?

Gary said Yeah it was in Maths.

Ross said Charlotte Ward farted in Maths?

Gary said Yeah.

Ross said I thought Charlotte Ward would never ever fart.

Gary said She did.

Ross said What did it sound like?

Gary said Like just a squeak. Like a mouse.

Gary made a squeak sound.

Ross said Did it smell?

Gary said I was at the back I couldnt smell it.

Ross said I bet it smelt of flowers.

Gary said Jamie Western smelt it.

Ross said What did he say it smelt like?

Gary said Just like a normal one but not as strong.

Ross said to me Have you ever heard Charlotte Ward fart?

I said No.

Gary said Its wrong when girls fart.

Ross said If I was Terry Blair Id ban all girls from farting.

Gary said Me too.

Ross said And from having BO.

Gary said to me Have you smelt Amanda Barnsdale?

I said Yes.

Ross said Shes minging.

Gary said I had to sit next to her on the bus. I held my breath all the way.

Ross said All the way?

Gary said Yep.

Ross said Its 22 minutes all the way.

Gary said Thats how long I held it.

Ross said You held your breath for 22 minutes?

Gary said I had to or Id have got knocked out. You were all right you were on the top deck.

Ross said You can still smell her on the top deck.

Gary said Shes a big sweaty sock.

Ross said Its cos shes ginger.

Gary nodded and looked at his Tango and said Gingers smell more.

Ross said Their farts are different.

Gary said You never hear them but they smell like poison.

Ross said Ginger poison.

Gary said Do you know that?

I said No.

Gary said Its true.

Then Carla was there with her mini skirt on holding her cigarettes which were SUPERKINGS and to Ross and Gary she said Come on you terrors. Home.

And Ross and Gary downed the rest of their Tangos and said See you mate.

I said See you.

And they went and Carla went and I looked at Uncle Alan behind the bar and he went but after they had all gone the word stayed there in the cigarette smoke air Mate Mate Mate and I liked it.

Later on when Mum was working in the Pub I went round to see Leah and I knocked on the door.

Mr Fairview was through the frosted glass fuzzing like a ghost.

He opened the door and he looked down at me with his long old face and twinkleless eyes and in a sad voice he said If it isnt little Philip?

I said Hello is Leah there please?

And he said Yes she is come in.

I went in and it was a weird house a very weird house with pictures of Jesus looking at me and prayers and crosses on the wall and the house smelt like what Mr Davidson the Religion Teacher at school smells of and what the church smells of. It smelt of God which is the smell of old paper.

And we went into the TV room but it was weird because there was no TV and Mr Fairview raised his old hand to an old green Grandad chair and I sat in it and I thought it must be weird for Leah having a dad who is like a grandad and Mr Fairview said to the stairs Lambkin your friends here.

I looked round the room and I looked for clues of Mr Fairviews money which is the only reason Uncle Alan likes him but there were no expensive things. I looked at Mr Fairviews brown trousers and his white shirt which I didnt think you could buy anywhere in town and Mr Fairview said Do you follow the good shepherd Philip?

I said Whos the good shepherd?

Mr Fairview said The great comforter Philip. The great consoler. He who knows and shares our suffering.

I still didnt know the answer so Mr Fairview said The Lord Jesus Christ.

I said Oh.

Mr Fairview said The good shepherd who gave his life for his sheep.

Mr Fairviews face changed into a sheeps face for a second and he said Baaa Baaa and I closed my eyes hard and opened them again and he was back to normal and he said to the stairs Lambkin your friends here.

And this time Leah heard because she said Coming.

Mr Fairview looked at the ceiling as if there were words written on it that only he could see and he read the invisible words and said Jesus said no man comes unto the Father but by me.

And Leah started coming down the stairs in a horse gallop like she was a Knight rescuing me.

Mr Fairview kept looking up and said I am the light of the world he that follows me shall not walk in darkness but shall have the light of Baaa Baaa.

Then all the crosses started to smoke and fire in my mind like the cross that Emperor Constantine saw in the sky before he won a War and made the world go Christian.

Then Leah came into the room and made everything back to normal and she said Dad were going to go upstairs and do some homework now OK?

Her voice was softer and sadder than I had ever heard it and I thought it was funny because Leah pretends to be a hard girl but she is a soft girl really and she even lets her Dad call her Lambkin.

And Mr Fairview said looking into my eyes not the ceiling Yes yes dont let me stop you.

Then he said Better is a poor and wise child than an old and foolish king.

We went upstairs to Leahs bedroom which had posters up and wasnt like the rest of the house. I didnt know where Danes bedroom was.

Leah said Sorry about my dad.

I said Hes nice.

She closed the door and closed the smell of God and said He didnt used to be like this.

I said Didnt he used to believe in God?

She said Not like he does now. Not when Mum was still here.

And I didnt say anything because I didnt think she wanted to talk about it but she kept on talking anyway.

She said Mum died of Cancer she was ill for ages really ill and when she died Dad got drunk all the time and thought me and Dane couldnt tell he used to walk into things and thought we didnt notice but one day he just stopped drinking and got God instead.

I said Does he make you go to church?

She said He used to. Until Dane got picked on at school about it. He doesnt make us go now. He lets us do what we want really.

I said Dane got picked on?

She said When he was in Year Nine yeah but after a bit he got into fights with anyone who said he was a Bible Basher and they stopped calling him that.

I said Oh.

She said I hate God.

I said What?

She said I hate God.

I said Why?

She said Because he says you cant do things like you cant steal. But he steals. He steals people. He stole Dad and he let Mum die and he saw her in pain and he saw her praying and he didnt do anything. God just looks down at people asking him for help and he doesnt do anything because he knows if they are hurt theyll want to believe in him more and you wouldnt like a person like that so why like him just because hes God?

I said Your dad likes him.

She said He wants to think Mums in Heaven.

I said Do you think that?

She said Sometimes. Do you think your dad is in Heaven?

I said No not yet.

She said What do you mean?

I said Ive got to do something first.

She said What do you mean? Like say prayers or something?

The words were itchy behind my mouth and I wanted to let them out and I wanted to tell her. But I knew she might talk me out of it and I couldnt let Dad have the Terrors for ever so I said Something like that.

She stopped the questions and jumped off her bed and said Wait there.

She came back ten seconds later and she had a cigarette in her hands and I said Where you get that?

She said Its Danes.

Then she held out a clear blue cigarette lighter and she said We can smoke it out the window.

I said We cant.

She said Why? Who says? God?

I said Your dad might find us.

She said So? He wouldnt even notice.

And I wondered if you die when you are 11 and you smoke but Leah was already pulling the window up and the cigarette was in her mouth not lit up and the wind was cold outside cold cold COLD so I kept my coat on and Leah put her coat on with the fur round the hood. She put the hood up so she looked like a kind of animal like something that climbs trees.

And she put the top half of her out of the window and lit the cigarette and from the coldness she said Come on.

So I put the top half of me out of the window as well with my knees on her bed and we looked out at Newark and the church lit up in the dark with its point like a dagger coming out of the Earth from inside.

I looked at the Man in the Moon with his sad face looking down and Leah said Your go.

She gave me the cigarette and I pinched it between my fingers and she laughed and she said Youre funny.

I sucked the brown end and sucked the lava smoke and it tasted of lorries and gardens mixed up. It burnt inside me and it made lots of coughs but when I stopped coughing I sucked it again so Leah didnt think I was a baby. I kept the coughs locked in my mouth and gave the cigarette back and looked at town again and the lights like gold eyes.

Leah said Do you like Newark?

I said I dont know.

I wanted to say more but I was feeling sick.

Leah said When Im old Im going to live in New Zealand where my aunt lives. She lives by the sea.

My skin itched and my smelly tongue itched and the sickness climbed up pushing burps and I said The sea.

And Leah said Dads not took us on holiday since Mum died. The last one we did was Rhodes.

My itchy tongue said I went to Rhodes I went to Rhodes I went with Dad.

Leah looked at me and said Youre a ghost.

I said What?

Leah said Your face is like white.

I said Im not a ghost.

Leah said You going to be sick?

I said No.

Leah said You sure?

I said Yes.

I looked away from the smoke and in the sky I saw white lines flying to me and they stopped and then it was Dads Ghost floating in the air.

He said It is too much Philip. Its too much. Philip the Terrors are too much. You have to help me Philip. You have to help me.

I threw up sweet white sick out of the window and I said with sick strings on my mouth Sorry Im sorry.

She dropped the cigarette a falling red star and said Its OK Ill get some water or something.