The Death of Lila Jane (7 page)

August 6, 2015

Slowing down, I pulled off to the side of the nearly desolate highway and put the car into park before turning to face Lila. She didn’t know what had happened to Taylor and I had no right to hold her accountable for saying something she couldn’t possibly know would get under my skin but that didn’t mean I
wouldn’t
. I never thought of myself as a bad person but losing Taylor had caused me to lose something else… myself. I was colder now.

“Heart attacks aren’t funny. You not getting to shop and spend Daddy’s money is
not
life or death. I knew you were sheltered but spoiled too? Not very redeeming qualities and you should have at least a few if you’re going to dress like
that
.” I scanned her cream-colored dress and leather boots that probably cost more than everything I’d owned combined. She looked like she’d stepped off the pages of a magazine but it wasn’t a compliment. She put too much effort into her appearance and it made me uncomfortable. I felt dirty just sitting next to her in my well-worn jeans and threadbare t-shirt. The difference in our social status was abundantly clear and it only fueled my hatred for the privileged.

I was being an asshole and I knew I should have stopped my mouth from running but all of the anger I’d carried around with me since I’d lost Taylor was boiling below the surface and I never wasted a moment to let it erupt. I could see Lila pressing herself further into the door as if hoping to meld into the metal and slip from under my gaze. I wasn’t used to people backing down from me. By now she should have been screaming or calling me a prick, but she stayed silent. It made me all the more uncomfortable. I enjoyed challenging others and arguing was my primary means of communication. But Lila was making it clear she wasn’t used to confrontation and I was a stranger to her and subsequently not worth her caring. Her fight or flight instinct was kicking in and when I challenged her, she was too busy planning her escape to defend herself. Most would think to walk away was the honorable thing to do but to me, it meant abandonment and that was an even worse quality than the others I was listing off in my head.

“That’s not what I meant. I just told my parents that’s where I was going with my brother.”

“Oh, so you lied to them about who you were going with but not
shopping
would be crossing the line?”

“I
had
to lie. They wouldn’t have let me go with you.”

“So
I’m
the problem? They don’t even know me. Let me guess, daddy wouldn’t have let you step foot outside with a boy who doesn’t have a six figure bank account, is that it? Well, don’t do me any favors, sweetheart. I don’t give a shit about your family’s money and I only brought you with me as a favor.”

“A favor? For Daven?”

I laughed, shaking my head and knowing that I was going to cross a line but I couldn’t help myself. Pushing people away was a defense mechanism that I had mastered. If I didn’t let them get close, I couldn’t lose them. My eyes met hers as they widened, knowing I was about to say something cruel but she waited anyway.

“For
you
. He practically
begged
me to take out the pathetic shut-in next door. It’s kind of sad actually.”

Her gaze danced over me and I waited for a smartass retort but instead her eyes glossed over and her thin fingers clicked to unlatch her seatbelt. I was amped for an argument, but when the corners of Lila’s mouth tugged down, all of my anger dissipated. Just like that, one sad pout was my undoing, snuffing out the flame of rage that was glowing inside of me.

“Consider your good deed done. Have a good night,” she whispered before opening her door and slipping out into the darkness. We were still close to home but I didn’t trust leaving her out here by herself. Even in a small town like DeRidder, there were all kinds of people. “Lila,” I called after her as the heavy car door slammed and she began walking off into the night, the opposite direction of home.

“Shit,” I slipped out of the car and started to walk after her in the glow of my headlights. “You can’t just take off in the night like this. You have no idea who could be out here.”

“That’s true,” she snorted. “
You’re
out here.”

I knew she was taking a jab at me but I couldn’t help but laugh at her attempted insult. I preferred it to her being sad and easily offended. It felt like she was more on my level. “Lila,” I gripped her elbow from behind and she spun around, fire in her tear-soaked eyes.

I took a step back from her, raising my hands in surrender. “I wasn’t being fair alright? I know I can be a dick and it’s not your fault. That smell, it reminded me of someone who was very
important
to me. You couldn’t have known that and I shouldn’t have taken you out without telling you where we were going.”

“
Used
to be important? As in you don’t care anymore because you could have fooled me.”

“No.” I shoved my hands deep into my pockets and struggled to swallow past the lump in my throat. “She was… the most important person in the
world
to me before she… Fuck it. You win all right? Just get back in the damn car and stop asking so many damn questions.”

“I’m not trying to win, Kaden. I just want all the cards on the table. If I crossed a line, you need to show me where it is or I won’t be responsible if I step over it again. It’s common sense.”

“Ugh… you sound like my mother.”

“Good. At least one of us is acting like a rational adult.”

“I didn’t say it was a compliment.” I took in her slender figure silhouetted in the headlights of the car. She looked like an angel dropped down in the middle of this decrepit Hellhole and I couldn’t help but think God had released the wrong one. But it wasn’t her fault she wasn’t Taylor and if she could see me know, she would be disappointed in the way I was treating Lila.

Her perfectly arched eyebrow was raised, challenging me. I could dish it out but now I was the one wanting to cut and run. I would take on a three-hundred-pound asshole if he pushed me to it, but this waif of a girl made me nervous.

“Fair enough. She… she died, alright. I wanted to get out and fucking forget just for a few God damn hours and then you…” I dropped my hands to my sides knowing I was unleashing too much on her. I was shocked she wasn’t diving into the tree line now to escape.

“Oh God,” her hand flew to her mouth as she gasped aloud. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” I could see the guilt consume her like it did anyone when they found out about Taylor.

“Don’t do that,” I shook my head.

“What?” Her eyes were wide and waiting.

“Don’t apologize. Everyone always apologizes and then they start treating me like I’m going to crumble if they say the wrong thing. I hate it. I’m not weak. I don’t need pity.”

“Sorry,” she whispered before smiling nervously. “Shit.”

“You can swear. That was almost worth the confession.” I forced a small laugh hoping she would say something, anything to lighten the mood. I didn’t want to drown in memories, not now.

“You didn’t think I knew how to swear?” Her eyes narrowed playfully as she allowed the heaviness of our conversation to fade away.

“I didn’t think it was in your programming.”

“Did you just call me a
robot
? Is this you apologizing? Because you really suck at it.” Her eyebrow quirked up as she folded her arms across her chest. She was fighting a smile, which was much better than the frown that I had put their moments before.

“I just want to take you back home… or wherever you want to go. If you want to go to the mall, we can do that.”

She looked me over as she tried to decide if she could trust me. Her hand swiped against her damp cheek. “Really? You’re not just messing with me?”

I smiled, stepping closer and running the pad of my thumb under her eye to erase the smudge of black. “Anywhere you want to go. Just name it. We can be in Mexico by morning.”

She fought to keep her expression unreadable, glancing behind her. “I think it may take a little longer than that. Especially in this old piece of shit,” she mused, tapping her index finger against her chin as I struggled not to set her straight about my car and make her cry all over again.

“It was cute the first time you cursed but if you direct your hatred at my car, I’ll have to defend her honor,” I warned.

“Fair enough. Where is it that
you
wanted to go?”

“There is this party I thought might be fun.”

She shook her head causing long curls to cascade over her shoulders. “I’m not really a party type of girl.”

“Shocking.” I rolled my eyes and took a step back to dodge her arm that swung out in a half-hearted attempt to hit me.

“I’m not some weird recluse that only comes out on full moons or something.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious.”

“Got it. I was wrong,” I cringed as I admitted fault even though teasing her was causing her to turn an adorable shade of pink.

“You’ll take me to the mall if I want to go?”

“I said I would.”

“Well, you said it before too.”

“I didn’t mean it then,” I smirked, hoping she would decide to trust me.

She thought it over for another second before a broad smile spread across her face, revealing her perfectly white teeth. “Fine. We can go to the party but I can’t be gone all night and if I want to leave-”

“I will take you home the second you say so,” I assured her before she nodded in agreement. “But you’ll have to ride in the trunk if you keep talking shit about my car.”

Pulling open the passenger door, I swung my arm out in a dramatic gesture for her to enter, eliciting a giggle from Lila.

“Thank you, kind sir,” she joked and I felt my guard slip a little lower around her. She was so damn weird… but I kind of liked it.

August 6, 2015

We rode in silence for a few minutes but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I wasn’t scared of crowds, just the opposite. I loved being able to blend in and be anonymous. It’s becoming the center of attention that I dreaded and something told me Kaden wasn’t the wallflower type. My eyes danced over his profile taking in the hard angles of his jaw as the muscles flexed under his skin like he was thinking of something he’d rather forget.

“How did she die?” My voice cracked under the weight of the question and Kaden blew out a hard breath before glancing my way. He readjusted his grip on the steering wheel causing his knuckles to turn white.

“You can’t just ask that.”

“Why not?”

“Because you can’t.”

“You said you loved her.”

“I did.”

“You don’t love her anymore?”

He sighed, rolling his eyes. “I meant I did say I loved her. I still do.” He was growing increasingly irritated but I was inquisitive by nature. My mouth ran like a duck’s ass my mom used to say. I never knew when to just shut up. But I was taught that if you didn’t ask questions, you’d never learn anything new.

“But you don’t like to talk about her?”

He looked at me again, his eyebrows pulled together as if my question confused him.

“It might make you feel better,” I added.

“You don’t have
any
idea how I feel.”

“Fair enough.” I fidgeted in my seat as the car accelerated down the desolate road.

“It’s not that easy, you know,” he continued but it seemed more like he was talking to himself. “Sometimes I get so pissed like she just gave up and there was nothing I could say to change her mind.”

I looked him over as the street lights flickered by allowing me to catch glimpses of his inner turmoil; as his face was illuminated.

“Did she kill herself?”

“No.”

“Oh.” I wrung my hands together, nervous that he may get angry again and shut me out. “Well, you said she gave up. I just assumed.”

“She didn’t
kill
herself,” he sneered. “Not really.” He ran his hand roughly through his dark hair in frustration. “She just gave up. On life. On us. On me, okay?”

“Maybe she was tired of fighting.”

His eyes met mine and he glared. “Oh, I get it. You think I’m some sort of asshole. I must have treated her like shit or something. I wasn’t always like this,” he growled.

I shrugged but it wasn’t what I’d meant at all. “No. I just meant that sometimes people get tired of the hurting. Fighting to live. Maybe accepting whatever her fate was had given her peace.”

He nodded, chewing at the inside of his cheek as if physically stopping some vile retort from escaping. Maybe he knew I was right. Maybe he wasn’t used to thinking about it that way at all. People were selfish and it might have been easier to think he was abandoned instead of her letting go to save them both more pain.

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“What does
that
mean?” I tried not to sound offended. I knew he was working through his grief but it still stung. I’d read hundreds of tragic love stories. I knew it wasn’t the same thing but I understood. I knew what it was like to hurt.

“We come from two
very
different places.”

“Yeah, you keep saying that but last I checked we were neighbors.”

“In two very different worlds.” He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. His hand went to the knob on the radio and he turned up the volume to end our conversation.

With an aggravated groan, I reached forward and turned it all of the way down.

“Do you have something against good music?”

“I’d much rather talk and I would hardly call that music.” Smoothing out my dress over my knees I waited for him to continue our conversation.

“Taylor had a big heart.”

“I’m sure she was amazing.”

“No,” he shook his head. “I mean yes she was amazing.” He cleared his throat as his fingers drummed nervously against the steering wheel. “She had a cardiomegaly… an enlarged heart. It was caused by an abnormal rhythm. And too many other things to list.”

“God…”

“God didn’t deem Taylor worthy of his divine intervention,” he said with a sneer.  “Why does it even matter
how
she died?”

“It doesn’t matter how she died. It matters how she lived.”

He rolled his neck from side to side as the fingers of his right hand drummed nervously against his thigh before he placed it back on the steering wheel.

“She lived every day like it was her last because she never knew if it was.” His voice was quieter now, softer as he thought of a happy memory. The hard exterior he hid behind began to crumble allowing me a glimpse of the person he used to be before the childhood notion that everything would work out for the best had been shattered.

“I envy her.”

“Don’t say that,” he snapped, the car swerving slightly to the right as he looked in my direction.

“What does it feel like?”

“How should I know?”

“She wasn’t the only one preparing for the end. You went through it all too.”

“Like… it was like pure honesty. Everything you feel is so much more intense. There are no games when someone you love is dying because… no one wins in the end.”

“But don’t you regret not having that carefree kind of fun teenage love?”

“This isn’t an after school special and I don’t regret a single moment I spent with her.” His eyes narrowed but his tone was still softer. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“Why do you keep saying that? Why wouldn’t I understand?”

“This is probably the first time you’ve even left your house,” he laughed and I folded my arms over my chest, hating that he was taking to insults again to keep from letting me in.

“Just because I haven’t gone through something doesn’t mean I can’t understand it. I’m not a little kid.”

“Lila, don’t take this the wrong way but you really are a little kid. You have no idea what the real world is like.”

“Then show me.”

His eyes met mine as he thought over my words. His tongue ran out over his lips causing them to glisten in the dull light fading in from outside. “Your parents would kill me.”

“You aren’t scared of my parents,” I laughed trying to hide my own fear. “You wouldn’t have lied about where we are going if you were.”

“That’s different.”

“Why? Because you know you will have to face tomorrow? Face the consequences? You are a lot of things but I didn’t think you’d turn out to be a coward.”

His eyes went to his rearview mirror before the went back to the road ahead. I could see the hint of a smile on his lips.

“You’re just messing with me.” He dismissed our conversation but there was a new lightness in the air, an excitement that was palpable.

“I guess you’ll never know.”

We didn’t speak for the rest of the ride. It felt good to know I was the reason he was smiling and I was dying to know if there was a dimple on his other cheek to match the one I could see. This night couldn’t end until I had crossed that challenge off my bucket list.

My elation quickly faded when we pulled off the main highway down a dirt road. There was an old farmhouse at the end of the lane that was lit up but no other buildings in sight. My stomach began to churn as I went over every excuse I could think of to get Kaden to turn the car back around and take me home. He promised he would and all I would have to do is say the words, but I remained silent, determined to prove that I could hang out with him and not run home crying. Even when the engine cut off and the only sound I could hear was my own neurotic conscience screaming at me that this was a bad idea, I forced a smile.

“You ready to go have some fun?” Kaden reached over and clicked my seatbelt, unlatching it.

I nodded even though it was nearly pitch-black in the car and I knew he couldn’t see me. “I wasn’t invited.”

He had laughed before his heavy palm fell over the back of my hand causing me to jump at the sudden contact. “
I
invited you. Besides, I thought you wanted to live a little. This is your chance.” With that he pushed open his door causing the interior light to turn on and nothing but a lingering tingle from where his flesh had touched mine. I squinted my eyes at the harsh assault of light before opening my own door and placing one foot onto the gravel outside. I pulled myself out of the car and steadied myself as my eyes danced over the house. There was a thumping in the night air from the music blaring inside that rivaled the drumming of my heart against my chest.

Kaden joined me on my side of the car and put a cigarette between his lips before lighting it and taking a long drag.

“You’re a smoker?”

“We all have to die of something, don’t we?”

I shrugged as a cloud of smoke left his lips.

“So what is it? What’s your poison?”

“What do you mean?” I took a few hesitant steps to stand in front of him.

“You want to live like you’re dying. Let’s hear it. What will finally do you in? Car accident? Bank heist gone wrong?” He laughed as he thought of more tacky movie plots to list off. We began to slowly walk toward the front door of the building and I felt like I may pass out from nerves alone.

“Um… I dunno. I never really thought about it. I guess I hope to die old and in bed next to-”

“Well, I know I’m going to die from boredom. Thanks for that,” He laughed to himself as he took another drag from his cigarette causing the end to glow red and light his face. “You can’t live like you’re dying if you don’t plan to do it for another eighty years. Come on. This was your idea.”

“Fine. Let me think about it,” I huffed as we walked toward the large wrap-around porch, stopping just before we ascended the stairs. “How are you going to die?”

“Easy. Broken heart.”

“That’s not a real thing.”

“Oh, yes it is. It’s a preexisting condition.” He placed his hand on his chest and for a second, I could see the honesty in his eyes, but in a flash it had disappeared. I knew I’d have to play along to catch another glimpse at the real him.

“Hmm…” I eyed him as he flicked the ashes from his cigarette to the steps below. “Is there a cure?”

His eyes trailed down my body and I felt myself stiffen under his scrutiny.
Was he checking me out?
“I guess we’ll see.” He held out his hand and I looked down at it before searching his eyes.

“You can’t pretend to be my date to this thing if you’re scared to touch me.”

“I’m not scared,” I snapped, placing my hand in his and tried to keep it from shaking. I was petrified. We trudged up the steps and stopped just as the front screen door pushed open. A teenager I didn’t recognize bent over and heaved his stomach contents a few inches from our feet. I jumped, screaming in disgust as my back collided with something hard and I nearly fell over when I realized it was Kaden’s chest. His hands circled around my waist preventing me from leaping right back to where I was and into the vomit.

“Calm down,” he whispered sending a chill snaking down my spine. I’d never liked anything about smokers but the thick smell mixed with his minty cologne made me light headed. With what seemed like no effort at all, he lifted me from the ground and placed me down on the inside of the doorway. My body swayed as he let me go and I felt like I’d already drank a case of beer. Not that I knew what it felt like to be drunk because the most alcohol I’d ever had was a glass of champagne at my cousin’s wedding.  

“I’m starting to feel like this was a bad idea,” I groaned as Kaden dropped his cigarette butt into a nearly empty beer bottle. His palm slid against mine and he held my hand tightly as he pulled me into the living room that was full of teenagers.

“You think it feels like a bad idea now, just wait. It’s still early and these parties never end well.”

“Is that supposed to be reassuring?” I called out over the music that sounded like a bunch of cats trapped in a glass cupboard.

His hand left mine as he pulled open the fridge and grabbed two bottles, popping off the tops and holding one out to me.

“I’m not supposed to take drinks from strangers.” I wrapped my hand around the long neck of the bottle that was already covered in condensation from the thick night air.

“Stranger? That hurts. We’ve known each other for like an hour unless you want to count the weeks of you spying on me out of your bedroom window.”

“I don’t… I wasn’t…”

“Lila, it’s fine. If I were a chick, I wouldn’t be able to help myself either. I’m a catch.” His eyebrow rose as he tilted the bottle to his lips and took a long drink.

“Oh please.” I lifted my own bottle to my lips and drank feeling like I was suddenly parched. I could feel him eying me approvingly as I struggled to blend in with the other teenagers. 

“Have you figured out your fictional death yet?”