The Death of Lila Jane (9 page)

August 6, 2015
  

I wanted to promise Lila that everything was going to be alright but my mind kept slipping back to the night I’d lost Taylor. I wasn’t with her when it all happened either. That was the worst part. I wasn’t able to comfort her and let her know it was going to be okay. That
I
was going to be okay.

Watching Lila break down and not being able to make it better was killing me. If her brother was fine, I was going to kick his ass myself.

As we pulled onto the street where her brother was, the lights of the ambulance and fire trucks bounced off the surrounding houses, lighting up the small otherwise quiet street.

“Oh God,” Lila gasped as she put her hand over her mouth in shock. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

“It’s going to be alright,” I assured her as I took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Putting the car in park, I waited for her to say something but she just stared ahead as the medics wheeled out someone on a stretcher.

“Is that him?” She asked and I shook my head. I had no idea and in the dark I wouldn’t be able to tell even if I did know what he looked like.

“We have to go over there.”

After a few seconds, she nodded and gripped the handle of her door but didn’t open it. I got out of the car quickly and rounded the front of it to her side so I could help her out.

She stumbled but her hand gripped onto mine as she let me pull her toward the commotion.

“Oh my God. Lila, I am so sorry.” A shorter blonde girl threw her arms around Lila’s neck and pulled her against her chest.

“Is her brother okay?” I asked, not letting them have their moment. I was pissed she hadn’t responded and cause Lila to think the worst.

“They said he should be okay,” she replied as she pulled back to look at Lila.

“Maybe you should have let your friend know that instead of making her worry,” I snapped.

“Excuse me? She doesn’t seem so worried since you apparently got her drunk.” She waved her hand in front of her face to let me know she could smell it on her.

“I’m not drunk and will you please just tell me what the hell happened?” Lila snapped as she took a step closer to my side.

“Your brother said he wanted to see a friend. I didn’t know this guy was some sort of drug dealer. I couldn’t have known.”

“Bridget, it’s not your fault,” Lila cut off her hysteric rambling.

“Lila Jane,” A booming voice called out as a figure crossed the road toward us. “Where in the hell have you been?” The man snapped and Lila sunk even further into my side as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. 

“I’m so sorry, Dad. I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know? Maybe you would have if you had been out with him and not lied to us.”

“Mr. Newman, that’s my fault,” I spoke up, wanting to take his attention off his daughter who was already wanting to breakdown.

“Who in the hell are you?” He asked as his eyes danced between us.

“My name is Kaden, I’m Daven Harken’s nephew.”

“Well, Kaden, while I appreciate you taking responsibility, this is a conversation between my daughter and me. I’ll have a talk with your uncle later.”

“Dad, it’s not his fault. He has nothing to do with this.” Lila stiffened, raising her chin.

“Oh, you’re going to tell me that you running off with this delinquent has nothing to do with the fact that you lied to me and now your brother is overdosing on pills again?”

“He’s overdosing on pills because his heart is broken. I tried to tell you he was upset but you didn’t listen.”

“So it’s my fault?” Her dad raised his voice, shuffling his weight from foot to foot.

“Sir,” I interjected, raising my hand in hopes to defuse the situation. Lila was apparently feeling the effects of the alcohol and she wasn’t thinking about what she was saying.

“Mind your own damn business, son.” Her father swatted my hand away and I had to bite down on the inside of my cheek to keep from losing my own temper.

“Lila is my business.”

Bridget’s eyes widened and she let out a little squeal as Mr. Newman stepped toward me, his chest damn near against mine.

“I’m not going to tell you again, son.”

“Good. Because she didn’t do anything wrong and she doesn’t deserve to take the blame for this. And I’m not your son.”

“Yeah, that’s right. You’re not. You’re just some white trash kid whose own mother didn’t want him.”

Every nerve ending in my body was begging for me to hit him but I knew the cops across the street would have me in handcuffs before he hit the ground. “No offense, sir, but isn’t your son the one laying on a stretcher because he overdosed on drugs? Maybe you should be more concerned about-”

Her father swung, hitting my right eye and causing me to spin backward and stumbled, just barely able to stop myself from hitting the ground.

“Dad,” Lila screamed as bent down to my side to inspect the damage. I could feel the warm trickle of blood making its way down my cheekbone.

“Why the fuck is everyone hitting me tonight?” I stood up and took one step before Lila’s hands were against my chest, preventing me from going after him.

“Lila, get your ass in my car. We have to take Bridget home and explain what happened to her parents  and then join your mother at the hospital.” Her dad turned to walk away but Lila didn’t move.

“No.”

Her father spun back around looking as if someone had actually hit him. “What did you say?”

“Lila, I think we should just go with him,” Bridget interjected, trying to defuse the situation.

“I said no. I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“Lila Jane, if you don’t get your ass in that car-”

“You’re gonna hit me too?” Lila was struggling again to keep from crying. Her father’s eyes softened as he ran his hand roughly through his salt and pepper hair. His eyes went to me.

“Just take her home. I’ll deal with you both in the morning.” With that her dad took off across the street, Bridget struggling to keep pace with him.

Lila looked at me, defeated before she lifted her hand and wiped away the trickle of blood on my cheek with the pad of her finger.

“I am so sorry,” she whispered but I just shook my head. Her dad was right about me. I was used to screwing up my own life but it wasn’t fair to screw up hers too.

The worst part was, I wouldn’t have anywhere to go after Daven found out about what I’d done.

“Come on,” I went back to my car, pulling open the passenger side door and avoiding Lila’s worried gaze as she sank down onto the bench seat.

I climbed into my car as my cheek thumped from the anger that still consumed me. I was glad I didn’t hit him, but I still wanted to. Especially after the way he talked to Lila. This wasn’t her fault and the girl was already so fragile. The last thing she needed was the weight of her brother’s fuck ups on her shoulders. Or mine.

As we headed back toward home, the night was giving way to morning and I knew it wouldn’t be too much longer before I was on the road trying to find some place to go.

“I’m sorry about all of this,” Lila cut through my thoughts.

“None of this is your fault.”

“My dad didn’t mean any of that stuff he said about you. He doesn’t even know you.”

“
You
don’t even know me, Lila. And what he said was right.”

“So you think your just trash? You didn’t make me lie to them. In fact, you didn’t even know I did.”

“Until you told me. And I should have taken you back home then but I didn’t. I took you to a party and gave you alcohol. Not to mention the fight I started. Silas was right. Your dad was right.”

“So what? I could have walked away at any time. I’m not some kid you were babysitting. I have a mind of my own.”

“Then use it. You have a family and friends who love you. Don’t throw that away to have a little fun. It’s not worth it.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I asked as I turned into our housing area, my eyes catching my reflection in the rearview mirror. My cheekbone was slightly swollen but the cut was tiny and wouldn’t need any stitches.
That asshole must have been wearing a ring.
 

“Nothing.” She turned to look out of the passenger window.

“No, please tell me all about my life since you seem to know so much. Tell me about my loving father who used to beat the hell out of my mother and occasionally myself. Tell me all about my mom who allowed it to happen for years before taking me away from everyone I ever knew. Enlighten me.”

Her eyes scanned me for a moment before she looked away again. “You’re lying.”

I parked the car in my driveway as my blood began to boil. “Well, maybe if we ever see each other again I can show you my scars, but, for now, I have to go pack.”

I got out of the car, liquor bottle in hand as I leaned against the quarter panel and took a healthy swig, flinching as the alcohol burned the fresh cut on my lip. I’d earned that one. After a few seconds, Lila got out too and slowly made her way to my side.

“Did he really hurt you and your mom?”

I took another drink.

“What do you mean you have to pack?” She asked as she fidgeted with her fingers nervously.

“Because once your father has a talk with Daven, he’s going to send me back to my mom’s and I’m not going back there.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to be with your mom?”

“Because all I am to her is a reminder of everything she wants to forget. Go home, Lila.”

I began walking around her to the front door and she grabbed my arm.

“Let me talk to him. I’ll make sure he doesn’t speak to Daven. He’s just pissed off.”

“So am I. But mostly at myself. He’s right about me and if I were your father, I wouldn’t want you hanging out with me either. I’m doing you a favor.”

“How about you let me decide who I want to be around.”

“Because you obviously have no sense of self-preservation.”

I took another step and she pressed her palms against my chest. I looked down into her hopeful eyes as she tried to think of the right words to keep me from leaving, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. I wasn’t stupid. I could see that she liked me. She wasn’t going to understand.

“Why do you care anyway? I only hung out with you because I
pitied
you. Can’t you get that?”

“That’s not true.”

I laughed but it hurt deep in my chest to look into those wide, innocent eyes that trusted me.
Why did she have to remind me so much of Taylor? Why couldn’t she just walk away and not give a shit about me like everyone else?

“Ask yourself, if I liked you, why did I make out with Shy at the party? You’re not nearly as smart as you think you are. Now I see why your parents have you so doped up.”

That stung her and although her hands remained on my chest, they were barely touching me now. The corners of her mouth tugged down as she fought against a frown.

“You can never be like her; like the kind of girls I like. So stop trying.” I stepped out around her and walked into the house without looking back.  I couldn’t. I knew if I saw the fresh tears on her face, I wouldn’t want to leave here there. Her life was completely different than mine but her hurt was the same. She wasn’t happy and she just wanted someone who understood. I did, all too well. And that’s precisely why I had to walk away.

August 7, 2015
  

I stood outside in the warm night air, alone, as my tears began to fall. I could never be like them. He was right. I couldn’t be like them and I didn’t
want
to be. I didn’t have it in my heart to be so cruel and indifferent.

Walking across the quiet street as the sun slowly began to creep up over the buildings, it felt like I was on another planet. A dystopian universe where the world was ending but no one else could feel it but me. It was crushing me from the inside out and it would only be a matter of time before I imploded.

I’d had my chance to live on the wild side and I’d failed. My brother was in the hospital, my dad blamed me for everything, and Kaden didn’t think I could ever be the girl he wanted. To add insult to injury, the one person I was counting on knowing when I started high school, Silas, hated me. I don’t think I could ever look him in the eye again after I stood up for Kaden.

As I pulled out the house key from the plant that sat next to the front door, I suddenly wanted to turn and continue walking down the road and disappear.  I could still live each day like it was my last on my own. But with limited funds and no place to go, those days would be numbered. Besides, I didn’t want to be alone.

Unlocking the front door, I pushed it open and looked around. It was so quiet and not a single thing was out of place. It was like a museum that didn’t allow visitors because my mom hated to socialize with the other mothers. She didn’t think anyone understood her but I knew that feeling.

I took the stairs up to my room two at a time and went right into the bathroom, avoiding my reflection as I opened the medicine cabinet and stared at the rows of pills. The orange bottles blurred in and out of focus as I decided what I wanted to feel, or not feel.

Some pills would make me numb, some that would make me happy, and some of the pills would make me not care at all. My fingertips danced over the tops of the bottle before I closed the door and locked eyes with myself. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was chemically altered to behave like a drone. How was I going to find myself and truly live if I had to rely on medication just to get me through any situation?

I didn’t want to forget who I was or go through life not feeling anything. I wanted to live for once and I didn’t care what anyone else said. I was going to do it.

I hurried into my bedroom and grabbed my book bag, dumping out the contents on the floor. Pencils and notebooks I’d put in there for the beginning of school fell to the ground, scattering. I grabbed
Romeo and Juliet
from my bed and tossed it into the empty bag. Staring at my ceramic bank on top of my dresser, I only hesitated for a fraction of a second before pulling the rubber plug from the bottom of it and pulling out all of the cash I’d been collecting from birthday cards and doing chores. Stuffing the money deep into the bag, I searched for other necessities I might need.

Next, I pulled open my drawers and shoved socks and underwear into the bag before grabbing a few pairs of shorts and t-shirts. I kicked off my boots and slid my feet into a pair of flip flops before hurrying out of my room and back out front. I stopped on my porch, perched on top of the stairs, as I looked at the bright red taillights of Kaden’s car.

“Shit!”

I ran as he backed out onto the street and stopped with my hands extended in front of his hood so he didn’t run me over.

“Wait. Just hold on,” I called out as I hurried to the passenger side and slid in, throwing my bag into the backseat next to a guitar. “Okay, go!”

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m going with you.” I refused to look at him because I knew I’d probably wither under his glare and go running back to the safety of my bedroom.

“Lila, I really don’t want to hurt your feelings again –”

“Then just shut the hell up and drive. Live a little.”

His eyes had narrowed before he put the car in drive, shaking his head as he swallowed whatever insult he was going to spit out at me. I finally released the breath I’d been holding and slid the seatbelt across my chest.

The night air no longer felt thick and oppressive as it whipped my hair around my face. I’d never been so scared and excited in my entire life. I was known for planning out every detail, never leaving anything to chance. This was a new world to me and I was excited to explore it.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I tucked my legs underneath me, my teeth digging into my lower lip.

Kaden shook his head as he glanced in his rearview mirror. “New Orleans.”

“Seriously?” I squealed.

“You have any idea what your daddy is gonna do to us when he finds out you ran off with me?”

“He can’t do anything if he doesn’t find us.” I arched my eyebrow and Kaden just laughed.

“You are going to be the death of me.”

“Well, we might as well make it worth it.” I grabbed the thick glass bottle that sat next to him on the seat and took another drink.

***

August 7, 2015
  

We drove for a couple of hours and although there wasn’t much to see on the trip, I was too amped up to get any sleep. My parents were probably home by now and worried sick. Or maybe they were mad at me. I’d taken the battery out of my phone before we’d left DeRidder city limits, afraid to read any messages they might send me. I didn’t want to be talked out of what I was doing. It was my dad’s fault that Kaden had to leave his uncles and I couldn’t let him do it on his own.

I would think about the punishment I’d receive when the time came. For now, I was going to have some fun.

“We need to get some gas,” Kaden spoke up, cutting off my internal monolog.

“You pump and I’ll pay?”

He nodded as he pulled off the highway in Baton Rouge. I slid my feet into my flip flops and stretched before getting out of the car and squinting from the blinding southern sun.

“Grab us something to eat,” He called out as he pulled some cash out of his wallet and held it out for me.

I smiled, giving him a nod as I made my way inside. I grabbed a pair of sunglasses from one of the displays and tried them on, looking at myself in the small mirror. They were huge and I giggled aloud at my appearance.

“You look cute.”

I spun around to see a teenage boy with sandy blonde hair sticking out from under a blue baseball hat.

“Thanks.” My face instantly turned red and I was glad my eyes were hidden.

He wondered off to meet up with an older woman and I walked down the snack aisle, looking for something good to eat. I had no idea what kind of food Kaden liked. All I’d seen him eat were those cheap prepackaged pies on this entire trip, so I grabbed him another and a few bags of chips.

Stopping at the cooler, I grabbed a couple of those energy drinks that were making my brain work on overdrive better than any of my ADHD medicines ever had.

I dumped my armful of food on top the counter and smiled brightly at the woman behind the register who looked less than enthused as she rang up my items.

“We also got gas on pump twelve.” I handed her the cash and shoved the change deep in my pocket before heading back out into the bright day.

But the day seemed a little more dim and as I walked toward Kaden, who was leaning against the side of his car, I realized that I still had the oversized glasses on my face.

“Oh my God,” I whisper yelled as I reached him.

“What?”

“Get in the car! Get in the car!” I hurried to my side as he hung up the gas pump and slid into the driver’s seat.

“You seriously need to slow down on the energy drinks,” he teased as we drove up the ramp onto the highway.

“It’s not that.” I turned to face him with my legs tucked underneath my body. “Notice anything different?”

“You look like a bug?”

“Ugh,” I smacked his arm playfully. “An outlaw.”

“No, I’m pretty sure you look like a bug. Maybe a grasshopper.”

“Damn it, Kaden.” I pulled the glasses from my face and held them out. “I stole these!”

“You what?” The car swerved and I quickly buckled my seatbelt.

“Not on purpose. I forgot I had them on. Some boy had told me I looked cute… but that’s not the point. The point is, it was easy. No one even noticed. We can just take whatever we need. It will be so much fun!”

“First of all,” he took the glasses from my hand. “No. We aren’t going to steal things. I have money. I worked hard for it and those people you just stole from, they worked hard for what they have too.”

I stuck out my bottom lip as I listened to him scold me. “Are you going to make me take them back? I really like them.”

He looked over the glasses in his hand before he smiled and gave them back to me. “No. You
do
look too damn cute in them. But no more.” He wagged his finger at me and I drug my own finger in an x motion across my chest.

“Cross my heart,” I promised.

“Hope to die?” He continued the rhyme as I slid my legs out from under me and propped my feet up on the dashboard.

I grabbed a bag of chips and opened them, shoving one in my mouth before holding the bag over to Kaden for him to take one. He did, shoving the whole thing in his mouth.

“So, who was this boy who was flirting with you? Want me to go back and kick his ass?”

I looked over at Kaden whose tone was playful but he wasn’t smiling.
Was he jealous?

I shrugged as I took another bite of my chip. “Nah… I kind of liked it.”

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face as the radio blared some old song about getting high. I felt high on life… and caffeine. It was the best I’d ever felt.

“Have you ever been down to New Orleans?” Kaden asked, turning down his music, which he never did willingly.

“Nah. My dad kept promising to take us but we never had time. What about you?” I looked over to Kaden, who seemed to be lost in an old memory.

“Yeah. It’s a… it’s kind of wild. I’m not sure how you’re going to fit in.”

“Oh my God, Kaden. Are you serious? You’re trying to tell me that in a place known for its debauchery and acceptance of the eccentric, that me,
plain
Lila Jane will be shunned as an outcast?”

“No… great speech but no. I’m just worried seeing all them titties might impose on your feminine sensibilities.”

“Well,” I cleared my throat as I felt my skin heat from embarrassment. “I wouldn’t have expected you to notice, but I have titties, as you so eloquently put it. So I don’t find them all that shocking.”

It was Kaden who was turning a hilarious shade of red now as he adjusted in his seat, clearly not expecting me to respond the way I had. But this was me living and I wasn’t worried about what anyone thought of me. It was nice to say what was on my mind.

“Oh, I noticed.”

It took all I had not to let my burst of laughter break free.

“I think maybe you should try to get some sleep,” he said as he turned the radio back up.

              I sighed as I tucked my arm under my head and let my eyes fall closed, anxious to wake up in
the city that care forgot
.