The Deepest Secret (44 page)

He lets himself out of the house and into the cool night. The cul-de-sac is quiet, all the houses dark. Only Charlotte’s blazes with light, every window throbbing bright. He doesn’t know what to say, but he knows he has to say something. They’ve both lost loved ones, haven’t they? They can help each other. The two families, so closely entwined all these years.

He walks onto her porch and glimpses her through the living room window. She’s sitting there, holding a doll in her lap, her head bowed. She looks so forlorn. Where is everyone—her children, her mother?

He knocks softly.

A moment later, the door swings open and Charlotte stands there. He hasn’t seen her since the night Amy disappeared, and he’s horrified at how ugly she’s become. Her orange hair stands up around her white face; her lips are colorless. Her clothes hang from her shoulders. “Charlotte,” he begins. He’d thought she might be guilty. He’d warned Eve to stay away from her. “I wanted to see you. I wanted to say … I don’t know. I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t know what to say?” She frowns. “You think words can fix this? You asshole. There’s nothing you could say that could bring my little girl back.”

Her fury shocks him. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Shut up. I don’t want your apologies. You were never there.”

Maybe this had been a mistake, coming here. He’s only making things worse. “I should have been home more. This would never have happened—”

“Even when you were home, you weren’t there. My Amy died in an instant. I have to think that.” Red circles burn in her cheeks. Her eyes are feverishly bright. “But Tyler’s been dying for years. You wrote him off, you fucking coward. Eve never did.”

The truth of her words peels back his skin. How can she know this? Is this who he is? “I know you’re upset. I get it. I’m a parent, too. I understand.”

She steps close. The air around her wavers. “You still don’t know, do you?” Her voice is quieter now, and it frightens him. “You don’t understand anything.
If it were Tyler lying there and Amy who needed saving … If it were my Amy—I’d have done just what Eve did.”

She shuts the door behind her, and the porch light flares off, leaving him in a pool of darkness.

TYLER

T
he sky’s black and velvety, the full moon stamped bright, hovering behind the trees, the air cold and wet. Up and down the street, windows and porches glow pumpkin orange. A patch of dirty snow sits in the grass by the driveway. By tomorrow, it’ll be gone. Tyler huddles on the top porch step and wraps his arms around his bent knees. If anyone asks, he’ll say he’s waiting for his dad to come home from work.
It’ll be late, buddy
, his dad had warned him that morning.
It’s Tax Day
.

It’s also the day that Charlotte’s moving away.

The moving van has sat outside her house all day. Tyler had heard the loud rumble early that morning and gone to see. Melissa and his dad had stood beside him, silently looking out the window. Then his dad had patted his shoulder and told him,
Time to go up
. When Tyler came out of his room, he ran down the stairs and saw
the truck was still there as evening shadows fell across the men carrying things out of Charlotte’s house and up a wooden ramp. But now they’re getting ready to leave. One man rolls down the big metal door with a rattle. Another stands with Charlotte on her driveway, holding a clipboard, talking. Then he climbs into the driver’s seat and the engine starts up with a noise like a belch that would have made him laugh any other day. The van pulls away from the curb and turns onto the ravine road, and a moment later is gone.

Charlotte stands looking after it. She’s wearing a long, droopy sweater and jeans. Then she looks around at all the houses—the Farnhams’ with its Easter Bunny flag hanging by a pole; Albert’s, dark while he’s in Florida visiting his son; Dr. Cipriano’s with the two cars parked in the driveway now that he and Bob are together again; Sophie’s with its bright lights gone, unhooked by her new boyfriend in one afternoon and taken down; and Tyler’s house, sitting in the dark and invisible. If she were to keep turning her head, she’d see Holly’s house with the hanging baskets of ivy her mom put there shortly after moving in, but she doesn’t. She stands there, looking directly at him. Then she steps onto the sidewalk and walks down the street toward him.

What does she want? Should he get up and go inside before she gets there? When she reaches his front lawn, she just stands there. Her pale hair gleams in the starlight. “Hi.”

She doesn’t sound angry. The last time he’d heard her voice had been on TV, talking to the reporters after his mom’s sentencing. She’d been really angry, her voice unforgiving and harsh. His dad had quickly raised the remote and silenced her, but still. The sound of all that rage directed at his mom made Tyler’s stomach clench. “Hi.”

“Mind if I sit with you?”

He thinks about this. Melissa’s at the barn with her new boyfriend; his dad won’t be home until after midnight. He’s alone. But this is Charlotte, and so he says, “Okay.”

When she comes closer, he sees that her hair’s not the only thing she’s changed. She’s not wearing any jewelry, and her sweater has a long thread trailing from one sleeve. She sits down on the step beside him. She smells of dust and coffee and wet grass. She looks up at the spring sky, at all the stars there. “How are you doing?”

Is this a test?
“Okay.” He doesn’t dare ask how she is.

“I meant to come by earlier. I’ve been meaning to come by, actually, for a while.” She tilts her head and studies him. For a moment, he sees Amy in her eyes. “I hear you’re trying a new ointment. How’s that going?”

How does she know? Then he realizes she probably read about it in the newspaper. There’ve been tons of articles about his mom, and then the checks had started coming in, all for the foundation. Tyler’s dad had sent them to Dr. Abernathy, thousands and thousands of dollars. “It’s stupid, but my dad’s making me do it.”

He hates this new lotion. It’s greasy and stinks like metal, but he has to put it on every day, all over. He imagines it sinking into his skin and knitting things together. That’s not exactly the way it works, Dr. Abernathy’s told him, but Tyler likes the idea of his skin cells armoring themselves up, getting ready for battle.
Just think
, Dr. Abernathy said.
If it works, you’ll be able to play football, go to college. Visit Paris
. Tyler had asked,
What about learning to drive?
Dr. Abernathy had laughed.
That, too
, he’d said.

“I’m glad.”

“Charlotte,” he blurts out. “I’m sorry I lied about Robbie. I’m sorry I made you think that.”

“I know. I’m glad you told the truth. I wish he had.”

Robbie only confessed after the police found his DNA on the buckle of Amy’s backpack. Tyler stares up the street, trying to picture the way the rain had hammered down that night six months earlier, Robbie pulling up his truck to make Amy see that his moving in was a good idea. But Amy had jumped off the porch and run out into the storm, away from him. The TV reporters said it was
because Robbie had hurt Amy before, maybe done something to her that he shouldn’t have, but Tyler doesn’t know. He thinks Amy would have told him if that were true.

“I wish I’d seen him.” He’d followed the path the two of them had taken—across the street and into the park, down to the bridge where Amy had swung her backpack and cut Robbie’s hand. Then she’d made a sharp turn and run through the trees up to the ravine road. Robbie hadn’t given up. He’d chased after her and grabbed her by the side of the road. But she hadn’t given up, either: she pulled away and stumbled into the path of his mom’s car.

“It wouldn’t have made any difference, honey. It happened too quickly.”

“I would have tried.” Amy had tried. She had been brave. Tyler had stood among the trees and felt her heart beating like a bird’s.

“I know you would have.”

At least Robbie’s in prison.
Involuntary manslaughter
, the judge had decided, because he was the reason Amy ran across the street to begin with. It’s the same thing Tyler’s mom had been charged with. She couldn’t have braked in time, and so instead of getting four years in prison, she got two. Tyler’s watched the TV shows that debated this, re-creating the accident. Always, his mom’s face is a ghostly blur behind the steering wheel.

“How’s your mother doing?”

“I miss her.” His voice wobbles, like a little kid’s. But he does miss her, not seeing her every day, not talking to her. It’s like this huge hole in his heart, and he doesn’t know how to fill it. He tries to force this sorrow away—after all, Charlotte must miss Amy, but she’s never coming home. His mom will come home. His dad’s promised that when she did, they’d all live together again, although maybe not here. He pulls off his sunglasses and rubs his eyes, determined not to cry.

Charlotte puts her arm around his shoulders and squeezes. “I miss her, too.”

He looks at her, surprised.

“She never meant to hurt me. She was just trying to take care of you.”

“I thought you hated her.”

“I did, for a while. But I don’t anymore.”

She rests her cheek against his shoulder. After a moment, she says, “I think you’ll like the new family moving in. They’re from Michigan and they have twins your age, a boy and a girl.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m renting a condo near Nikki’s school. Scott’s going to live with us, too. Did you know he’s starting classes again?”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah. I’m proud of him. He’s trying hard.”

“What about you?” It was a grown-up question to ask, but he felt that Charlotte was talking to him like a grown-up. His mom would like that, he thinks.

“Not sure. I might go back to real estate, or I might try something else. I don’t know what my future holds. But that’s what life’s all about, isn’t it?”

Tyler doesn’t know what’s going to happen for him, either. Maybe the ointment won’t work; maybe it will.

The moon rises from behind the trees, fat and full, like a shiny coin. If Tyler reaches out, he could touch it. There are other kinds of vanishing points, he thinks, ones that reach into forever, carrying with them their deepest secrets. He leans against Charlotte and she holds him closer. “Look!” she exclaims, pointing to the bright yellow sparks that blossom everywhere along the cul-de-sac.

They sit there in the scented darkness, as the fireflies dance.

For Jillian, Jonathon, and Jocelyn,
whose hearts I hold (within my heart)

Acknowledgments

My deepest thanks to:

Kate Miciak, my editor, my champion, who spotted this story among the rubble and held it up to the light.

My remarkable team at Random House, dream builders all: Gina Centrello, Libby McGuire, Jennifer Hershey, Kim Hovey, Susan Corcoran, Allyson Pearl, Kelly Chian, and Kristin Fassler.

Dorian Karchmar and Alicia Gordon, agents extraordinaire, and my whole wonderful team at William Morris Endeavor.

Pam Ahearn, for years of support and guidance.

Liese Schwarz, my sister and my muse, gifted with brilliant insight and the generous willingness to share it.

Chevy Stevens, my friend and critique partner. I am so happy our literary paths brought us together.

Tim Buckley, my husband and the start of it all.

The Deepest Secret

Carla Buckley

A Reader’s Guide

Questions and Topics for Discussion

What did you think of Eve’s decision not to say anything the night of the accident? Do you think she made the best of a terrible situation, or that she should have confessed immediately? Do you think she might not have confessed if Melissa hadn’t been a suspect, and if Tyler hadn’t planted evidence framing Robbie?

Charlotte ultimately says to David that “If it were Tyler lying there and Amy who needed saving … If it were my Amy—I’d have done just what Eve did.” (
this page
) What would you do in the face of such a situation?

Discuss the novel’s title,
The Deepest Secret
. How does it apply to the story? The author stresses that it is human nature to try to keep secrets. But do you think it’s true that all secrets will eventually come out, that it’s also in human nature to want to know—and, to a certain extent, want to confess?

The relationship between Tyler and Eve is the backbone of the novel, but it’s a complicated one. Describe the arc of their relationship from the beginning to the end. Were you surprised to find that they were ultimately quite similar in their drive to protect their family?

At one point, David reflects that, “Now he sees the grays, the blurry lines. He understands how loneliness might drive a person to make terrible choices.” (
this page
) Do you agree with David’s assessment? What do you feel the novel says about loneliness and its impact on our actions?

Holly asks Tyler, “Do you think it’s better to have dreams and lose them, or not have dreams at all?” (
this page
) How would you respond?