The Department of Hate - A Love Story (18 page)

“Hello, I’m Andy
.” The young woman started to reply

“Hi, I’m Marianne.”
But then she burst into laughter, doubling over, giggling insanely. She tried to stop herself but just kept giggling. She was always nice to everyone and was mortified to find herself being so rude. She tried to apologize.

“I’m sorry, I’m really ... it’s not ....”
But then she started giggling again, uncontrollably. Her friends Cassandra and Adrianne rescued her, escorting her away and then up the short flight of stairs towards the row of lifts on the first floor. Adrianne glared back at Andy. Robert came up to Andy and patted him on the back. He just said

“Smooth move.”
Andy didn’t reply. It wasn’t exactly the response he’d been hoping for. Jarrod came out of the restroom looking vaguely puzzled. He looked around, just catching sight of the three women as they disappeared from view at the top of the stairs. He asked

“What’s happening?”
Robert smiled, pointing at Andy Sullen

“Romeo here just crashed and burned.”
Jarrod shrugged. He wasn’t that interested. He glanced up towards the top of the stairs – but there was no longer anyone there.

                        ***************

Saturday was to be basically a slightly longer repetition of Friday. They didn’t get up until early in the afternoon. There was no longer any chance of running into Cassandra. She, Marianne and Adrienne had left by train earlier that morning and were almost in Paris by now. The four philosophers, groggy and disoriented, staggered out of their rooms and met in the corridor. They were all on the eighth floor. Down the end of the corridor there was some kind of disturbance. Very loud music boomed out of the room at the end – opera, Wagner.  An increasing number of security personal were converging on the door, some of them were banging on it demanding entrance. They were in return subjected to an onslaught of loud vehement cursing in a language Jarrod didn’t recognise. Jarrod could also clearly hear loud singing from the room, more Wagner- the Götterdämmerung. Those inside were singing along, screaming it out at the top of their lungs. He could see the panicking security guards talking urgently into their hand held radios. Some kind of weird shit was definitely going on in that room. The four of them made their way downstairs not saying anything. It wasn’t their problem. They managed a light lunch – soup and smoked salmon – before stumbling out onto the sidewalk, blinking and stepping back as the bright light of day and the sudden cacophony of street noise smashed into them. They stopped just outside the hotel. They saw several police vans arrive. Half a dozen heavily armed officers in full riot gear rushed into the lobby. Jarrod heard one of them snapping orders.

“Floor eight. Three offenders. They’re big and they’re hostile. One of them is armed with a hammer. He’s knocked down several of the local security personal.”
Somehow Jarrod knew that the Swat Team, or whatever they were called here, was running into big trouble.

They went to the Jaded Palace this time, another coffee shop well known to the three Londoners – Bruce graciously deferring to local expertise. They went through several joints, taking their time, mostly starting to feel quite mellow, each in his own way. But it didn’t last. Jarrod began to feel increasingly distraught; the others also were becoming more agitated. They began quoting favourite lines from favourite violent movies. Jarrod mentioned
‘True Romance’
. They all agreed that it was a great classic. Jarrod was feeling a bit cynical. He expressed his misgivings over the happy ending – so increasingly unlikely in the real world. The others noted their preferred scenes and the relations between them. This rapidly degenerated into an argument over which of the Queen’s corgis they would hump, if they had to hump a corgi - if their life depended on it. There was some discussion over the purely anatomical difficulties presented by such a task. Andy Sullen rather surprisingly expressed a distinct preference for Vulcan. Robert pointed out the obvious

“He’s a boy dog
.” Andy Sullen was almost contemptuous.

“It’s a fucking corgi
dude, once you’re past that I don’t think it matters much whether it’s male or female.” The others conceded the point.

The night progressed into the anticipated and desired drug crazed stupor. They went to one or two different coffee shops just for a change of scenery, then they went to a Strip club.  Jarrod didn’t notice any of the others slipping off for a visit to one of the girls in the windows. They were all well past the point of conjugal viability in any case. Sitting there watching naked girls dance on stage just in front of him - he decided he preferred this anyway. It was harsh and voyeuristic but simple and undemanding. Beautiful bodies, soft curves, unavailable flesh, just in front of his eyes, taunting and denying. Robert McDowell watched him with disbelief. He saw the lost look in Jarrod’s eyes. He burst out with

“Mate. You’re a fucking basket case. Just pick one for God’s sake.”
His attention was diverted by the pretty young blonde sitting herself down on his lap and about to remove her panties. He smiled deeply. Wendy would just have to forgive him. President Clinton had established the precedent years earlier. It wasn’t actually sex unless you put it in.

On their way back to the Jaded Palace for the second time, they were all quiet for a while. Andy Sullen was thinking deeply about something. He made a comment

“Act Three at that last place was a bit bizarre
.” Robert nodded his head in agreement. Andy Sullen was still pensive.

“Every man’s worst nightmare, a lesbian dominatrix with a strap-on and a grudge.”
  Bruce McKenna replied quickly

“Every straight man’s.”
Andy stared at him disdainfully

“Well of course I mean every straight man, you fucking idiot, goes without saying doesn’t it.”
Bruce started to say something else but Robert cut him off. He was sick of these two bickering. There was no way McKenna was ever coming with them again.

The peace didn’t last long. Andy Sullen and Bruce McKenna started up again - this time over one of the girls performing. Jarrod smiled – for a self-proclaimed God fearing Christian he certainly didn’t seem to have a problem with sex and drugs. The girl was a contortionist and had engaged in sex acts with a much larger male partner some of which simply defied belief.  Andy was waving his hands about

“She is definitely an alien.”
Bruce replied with surprise

“But how can you say that?
” Andy was adamant.

“No one can bend like that. It’s physically impossible. Ergo. She’s an alien. Maybe some kind of visiting back packer.”
Bruce just stared at him

“You’re fucking insane
.” Robert broke in. He was getting used to his role as intermediary and peacemaker.

“Perfect tits though, alien or not.”
They all agreed with that. Jarrod replied earnestly.

“Yeah, you’re right about that, perfect
.” Andy Sullen intoned

“Oh yeah.”
Even Bruce quickly replied

“Couldn’t agree more. Just perfect
.”

They arrived at the Jaded Palace and smoked some more weed. Hours later they somehow stumbled back to their hotel. The end room on the eighth floor was now empty. The door had been knocked down and not yet fixed. There seemed to be a lot of damage to the surrounding walls. Jarrod briefly wondered exactly how that had all turned out but he couldn’t really think straight and soon forgot about it.

                        ***************

Odin, Thor and Bragi had returned to Valhalla – or what now passed for it on the northern edges of the Plains of Desolation. They were all pleasantly bruised and battered – they enjoyed a good fight. They hadn’t actually killed anyone – probably. They would have preferred to stay longer but it was what it was. Right now they were all doing their best to avoid Freya. They’d heard that she was looking for them, furiously angry with them, though they didn’t have much of a clue as to why. Fucking women! Who could possibly understand them?

                        ***************

The four philosophers woke up at two in the afternoon on Sunday. They left quickly with barely enough time to get to the airport and catch their flight back to London. They made it just in time and were soon boarded and seated looking about idly. None of them had said much – they all still felt fairly wasted. It would take a day or two to recover. They were trying to relax as the aircraft taxied out and then proceeded to scream down the runway. Jarrod raised his hands to his head as they took off. This didn’t help his headache. They continued to just sit there, saying nothing, uncharacteristically quiet and subdued. It was a short flight. Less than thirty minutes later they were approaching the English coast. Jarrod looked out over the North Sea and the approaching coastline. He took a deep breathe. He was feeling morose and bleak – more than ever. He knew that something hadn’t happened that should have - something that affected him deeply. But what?  And what could he have done differently?

They were all detained by Customs at Heathrow Airport with significant amounts of cannabis residue detected in their clothing and in their luggage. Robert complained loudly

“We were in fucking Amsterdam for Christ’s sake. We didn’t go there for the cake.”
The customs officer stared back at him.

“Please don’t raise your voice Sir.”
Robert instantly backed down. He wasn’t an idiot. This petty functionary had the full power and weight of the state behind him and could not be trifled with - even if he was a fucking moron. This sort of thing must happen all the time; they couldn’t possibly detain and question everyone coming back from Amsterdam. Robert sized him up. The official seemed to be weary, bored and angry all at the same time. Robert was convinced that the little bastard was simply having a bad day and fucking with them to make up for it. Still, there was nothing he could do about it. He made an effort to keep his mouth shut. The four of them were taken away, questioned separately and searched. They all complied readily and said nothing further - including Robert. They were allowed to leave several hours later. Jarrod wasn’t fazed by any of it, not in the slightest. There were idiots everywhere – you just rolled with it. No point getting upset. Someone had to do a lot more than this to get onto his personal shit list. He remembered Detective Chief Inspector Boone. Yes something like that. He wouldn’t forget him.

Chapter 15 – The Department of Pride

A special meeting had been called to discuss the problem of Beelzebub’s return. The meeting was held in one of the inner chambers of the Department of Pride, run by Lucifer. Lucifer was present, as was Asmodeous and Belial. None of them had much time for Paimon or Marbas who they saw as more or less addicted to the irrelevant -  sloth, gluttony. They loathed Gaap, Lord of the Department of Envy, a self absorbed, narcissistic, utterly obnoxious, vastly conceited prick no one ever wanted anything to do with. He was rarely seen. The three of them, each in his own way, craved only power, ever more power. They had a temporary alliance – stable enough – but each of them knew that sooner or later the others would have to go. They admired and feared Beelzebub – he had always been the most ambitious of them all and by far the most cunning – though possessed of slightly less innate power than Lucifer and therefore necessarily subordinate. But for how long?  Lucifer was certain that Beelzebub’s return in human form was some kind of trick. He knew that Beelzebub would cast him out in an instant if he could.  He should just end it – throw Beelzebub’s bitch into the pit or have Beelzebub thrown into the pit – he would have to revert to demonic form to prevent that, surely! But maybe that was his plan. Lucifer couldn’t figure it out and it infuriated him. 

Two of the ancient Gods had been invited to attend: Odin, the ruler of Asgard, and Marduk, Lord of Ancient Babylon. They were there as projections only since they were unable to penetrate this far into Yahweh’s realm.  Though there was the disturbing incident of the previous night – yet to be explained.  Odin was clearly furious about that.  The Gods remained trapped on the far edges of the Plains of Desolation and the demons fervently hoped that there they would stay. Only Yahweh’s dominance and all pervading influence and power kept them in their place. The demons knew that the ancient Gods would obliterate them in an instant if Yahweh’s power was ever to diminish and the Gods were to be released. Even as projections they exuded raw intentionality and ferocity far exceeding anything possible by human or demon. Odin was almost bursting with rage over the recent destruction of Thor. He stood there like some mighty warrior, axe in hand looking to rain down death and destruction on someone. Marduk was more impassive but even more threatening in his own way. He was very large, thickly built, strong and powerful.  In his face you could see an all abiding patience but looking more closely you could discern a hint of savage anger and rage and a deep craving for vengeance. The Babylonian Gods were far more powerful than the Nordic Gods. They simply tolerated them and occasionally made use of them. In the beginning they were far more powerful than Yahweh himself and they still couldn’t understand how he had managed to prevail over them. They had never doubted that one day they would defeat him and return to their rightful place as the rulers of the universe. In the current sequence of events there was an opportunity to do just that.

Lucifer had conjured up a large screen which hovered in the air in front of them. They all watched as Jarrod and Cassandra left the city and made their way out onto the Plains of Desolation. Lucifer couldn’t understand it. Given what was about to happen on Earth and what was already under way, going back there was stupid. Even if Beelzebub really had forgotten the plan and just didn’t know - it was still stupid. And his obvious obsession with the human female – that was just incomprehensible!  Asmodeous and Belial watched more impassively. They were pleased to see Beelzebub go. If only Lucifer would go with him then they would just have to fight each other for dominance.  Each of them considered the other to be more or less easily defeatable – the other three major demons: Gaap, Paimon and Marbas, would be vanquished with barely any effort at all.  Marduk watched all of this, revealing nothing. The only one not watching silently was Odin.

Odin was raging, eyes blazing, shaking his head furiously.  He glared at the three demons, focusing on one after the other, screaming at them

“You killed my son, Thor.”
Even as a projection he was frightening. Lucifer who wasn’t frightened of anything still blinked. He didn’t know what to say. Odin was still screaming at him.

“S
tuck in that accursed pit, forever. Worse than death.” Lucifer decided not to mention that he’d also been decapitated. It wouldn’t help the situation.  Odin continued to bellow

“I want justice.”
Lucifer had to respond to that

“They were attacking the city. We have a truce. But how did they get in so close anyway?”
Odin raged on.

“Your defences are weakening, Yahweh must be losing interest. A fickle God your God – can’t be relied on. And the lads were just having some fun. I want justice.”
Lucifer replied coolly

“You mean revenge.”
Odin replied savagely

“Don’t fuck with me piss ant, I want justice, now. Or the meeting is over.”
Lucifer sighed; there were things he needed to ask them

“Very well. The second legion was on air patrol duty that night.  I’ll have them decimated.”
Odin stared at him and grunted

“No
t enough. I want half of them and I want the one that did it.” Lucifer replied steadily

“Of course. Half
then. Standard punishment. And you can have the demon who took him down”. He was careful not to say beheaded, although surely Odin would find that out eventually. He wondered what vengeance a wrathful God could bring to bear – a God with all of eternity at his disposal. But then it was difficult to imagine anything more wrathful than the pit. Odin seemed satisfied. He replied

“That will do. And what’s the standard punishment again?”
Lucifer tried to maintain his patience. That this uncouth moronic clod was somehow a God was yet more evidence, if any was needed, that Reality itself was devoid of any sense at all. He spoke quietly

“Gutted, beheaded and pitted.”
Odin grunted

“All right, then. I’ll want to watch
.” Lucifer replied with a sneer

“Of course you will.”

Lucifer was starting to feel enraged – a state he deplored since it meant loss of judgement and control. He spoke out

“Can we get to the business at hand? What is Beelzebub up to?”  He turned towards Marduk and Odin.

“And why are you helping him?”
The other two demons feigned surprise at this accusation but Lucifer ignored them and continued to stare at the two Gods. They both shook their heads. Odin replied

“
But we’re not.” Lucifer looked steadily at Odin

“Then why were you in Amsterdam with him a year ago? The human female was there too.”
Odin stared back at him

“
Just a coincidence.” Lucifer sneered again. The large stupid warrior God wasn’t much of a liar. But Odin was indifferent. He knew that Lucifer didn’t believe him and he didn’t care. Lucifer didn’t seem to know about the gnome though. Marduk had explained that he was filtering the gnome from Lucifer’s perception as part of a deal with Beelzebub and that the existence of the gnome must not even be hinted at. Lucifer would see the plot in an instant if he knew about the gnome. This puzzled Odin. He knew about the gnome and he still didn’t have a fucking clue what the plot was. With some effort he kept quiet and said nothing more.

Lucifer turned to Marduk. He knew that Marduk was vastly more powerful than Odin. He had no clear idea how to proceed. He asked simply

“And I hear that Beelzebub met with you decades ago, before his last incarnation. What did you talk about?”
Marduk seemed amused

“You overstep your bounds
puny little snake. We are here as a courtesy only, not to be interrogated by you.” Actually he’d agreed to come out of curiosity only. He wanted to find out what Yahweh’s demons knew and how they were taking it. They clearly knew nothing and weren’t taking it well. He paused but then continued, indifferently at first, but with increasing savagery.

“I barely recall the meeting. We discussed theology. The fundamental difference between Gods and created beings. What I would do if I ruled the universe again. How many instants before you would be obliterated should Yahweh’s influence ever fade.”
The threat floated there. Lucifer was quiet and didn’t reply.  Marduk let him wait for some time. He looked back up at the screen and asked casually

“So, what’s Beelzebub up to now?”
Lucifer also looked back at the screen. He replied

“He’s trying to get back to Earth through the portal. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why would he do that?”
Belial spoke for the first time

“Why is he still in human form at all, why hasn’t he reverted? No one has ever stayed human this long. He cannot be that besotted with his new slave. It’s some kind of trick.”
Lucifer nodded. There was no doubt about that. He spoke slowly as if trying to understand his own words.

“He told me that in this incarnation he wanted to try to understand love. It’s why we always fail, according to him. Did he find love? Is he now caught in his own trap? I can almost believe it – but he’s too cunning for that.”
He said this more or less cynically, of course he didn’t believe it for a moment, and yet?  But Belial and Asmodeous burst out laughing.  Beelzebub in love!  It was impossible to even try to imagine this.  The only thing that Beelzebub understood was hate – and he was very, very good at it. So it was and so it always had been.

Belial had been watching Cassandra with special interest.  He kept a rather large harem in his department – for personal use. He decided she would be a delightful addition to his collection. Always direct, he spoke out

“She is a tasty looking bitch, I want her.”
Lucifer looked at him disdainfully but then had an idea. He thought about it for a few moments then replied to Belial

“I’ll make sure they come back – and when they do you can have her. But it has to be done in a particular way. I’ll explain later.”
Belial watched him greedily. The thought of taking something from Beelzebub was an exquisite one – more satisfying even than the thing taken, though he had no doubt she would be satisfying enough. He turned back and continued to stare lustfully at Cassandra as she walked across the Plains. Asmodeous sneered at him

“Simpleton.”
Belial replied without looking around

“Fuck you.”
And while the demons quarrelled, the Gods vanished.

                       ***************

Far away on the eastern edge of the Plains of Desolation - where reality began to blur into nothingness – there stood three Gods in embodied form: Odin, Marduk and Dagon. Dagon was the God of Fertility and in earlier times a supporter of the Philistines against the Israelites and their usurper God Yahweh. He was working with Marduk but hadn’t participated in the conference. Odin was still belligerent

“Why the fuck are we helping Beelzebub?”
Marduk smiled

“That should be completely obvious, even to you
.” Odin ignored the insult. He pressed on

“And where is Ishtar? Didn’t she kick all of this off?”
Marduk kept a blank face, relpying carefully

“She’s busy. But you’ll see her again soon.”
Odin thought about this. He’d met the Goddess Ishtar once before, a thousand years ago. An image of her fierce beauty still burned in his skull and would never fade. Marduk could easily see what he was thinking. He continued, taunting

“She’s very appreciative towards those who help her, and she likes to show her appreciation ... physically
.” Odin was hanging on every word. Marduk continued to taunt him.

“So, boy, with a bit of luck you might even get to fuck her. And that’s not an experience you’ll easily recover from. Believe me, I know.”
Odin bristled at being called boy but ignored it - caught up in the enchanting notion of bedding Ishtar. He grunted and then strode off.

The Divine Goddess Amaterasu came strolling by. She looked like a short and slender Japanese lady. She was casually dressed and carried no weapons. But both of the Babylonian Gods bristled as she approached. She was truly dangerous and not to be fucked with. She looked over at Marduk, quietly asking him

“Marduk, were you just in Hades with Lucifer?”
Marduk was very polite. He replied

“Yes I was divine Goddess?”
She smiled softly at him, then she asked

“Was the demon Asmodeous there?”
Marduk replied carefully

“Yes he was divine Goddess.”
She continued still very quietly

“And how was he? Was he well?”
Marduk was cautious now. He didn’t understand the question.

“As far as I can tell, divine Goddess, he didn’t say much.”
Amaterasu smiled at him again

“That’s good then.”
Then she turned and walked off – not saying anything further.  Marduk turned to Dagon asking him bluntly

“What the fuck was that all about?”
Dagon had heard something. He explained it to Marduk.