The Destroyer Book 3 (25 page)

"What will that do?" I asked.

"It will give me clues as to your condition. Can you lie back on the bed? It will take about a quarter of an hour to get the results and I think some rest will let your body and mind recover from your travels."

I smiled at her and returned to the cot. Mariettia hummed to herself while she quietly organized some of the contents of the shelf. Then my eyes closed and I heard her footsteps leave the room.

For the thousandth time today I wished Kaiyer was with me. I had never witnessed childbirth and didn't know what to expect. As much as I wanted this baby, the idea of giving birth, even months from now, scared me. My handmaidens were supposed to teach me about it, but not until after I was joined. Ostensibly it was kept secret because a maiden had no need of this knowledge. But I knew this was a practice in place to keep from scaring young women away from sex, and the fact that they felt the need to keep the horrors of childbirth secret only scared me more.

Everything had started this wild spin out of control when I was kidnapped by the Ancients. Or maybe it started when I followed Nadea to Vanlourn and met Kaiyer. I was smart enough to know it was foolish, but I had to go. I had to escape the constant watch of my mother, her frustration that seemed exacerbated by everything I said or did. Nadea was always so content, so perfect and satisfied with her life and so passionate about her studies and her missions. I wanted to be just like her and I hoped that by taking some initiative and striking out on my own I could be. Nobody seemed to want me to be the way I was.

I should have stayed home, done what they expected, and remained out of everyone’s way. I only angered Nadea and upset her mission. Even Greykin had been mad at me. Finding her had been so exciting, and I had taken so much pride in my independence. But it was not me. I was not a leader, and I had never really been independent. I had just followed Nadea, and Greykin had followed me. If anything had gone wrong, he would have been there to help.

Would my life have been better if I had never met Kaiyer?

The thought almost made me laugh; it was so foolish.

He had nothing to do with me being kidnapped. He was the one to risk his life and chase after the Ancients on foot through the cold winter weather. Kaiyer may have pushed the Ancients to make an aggressive move against my kingdom sooner than my father expected, but eventually they would have come for us. They would have killed my father, mother, and brother.

They would have killed me if not for Kaiyer.

I sat up with a startled gasp and felt panic flood into my lungs like a tidal wave. I must have fallen asleep for longer than an hour. The sun had moved up into the sky and it looked to be more like midday than early morning.

The various bowls of herbs bathed in my urine were gone and I heard voices out in the front of the store. As silently as I could, I crept to the door leading to the hallway and cracked it open. It made a soft squeak that caused me to wince, but the voices out front didn't seem to notice. It was only a few feet of hallway to the main room and I could hear them clearly.

"Is she ready to be woken yet?" I recognized my uncle's voice.

"I suppose so. Did you get the clothes you need?" Mariettia responded.

"Aye. Any change with your test?"

"No."

"So you are sure of the results?"

"Yes. I want to see her again in two weeks. She should have her moon flow by then. She needed the rest. I am glad you agreed to leave her with me for a bit. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow." Mariettia's voice was laced with concern and I felt my stomach drop again. The door I was leaning against almost seemed too heavy to bear.

"We are leaving today. There will be other midwives where we are going."

"Where is that? I can recommend someone for you."

"I would rather not say. I'll wake her now if you please." Beltor's tone changed slightly and Mariettia knew better than to argue. I pushed the door open and walked down the hallway to the main room. Before I could get there I felt the tears come to my eyes, warm and stinging.

"What is wrong with my baby?" I attempted to say, but the words came out garbled, choked off, and wet.

My uncle and the midwife were sitting by the tea kettle and my appearance brought both of them to their feet. I tried to push my uncle away so that he would tell me about my baby, but his big arms circled my chest and pulled me to his. It only made me cry more. Then the cries turned into sobs and then screams that his chest couldn't muffle.

Kaiyer might be dead.

Now his child was too.

"Shhh, it is okay Jess." Mariettia had been smoothing back my hair in an attempt to comfort me. She may have been speaking to me for the last few minutes that Beltor held me, but I only heard her after the sadness finally quieted my cries.

"You haven't lost a baby." Her words stifled my sobs and gave me hope.

"I haven't?" I pulled away from my uncle's wet tunic and tried to wipe my eyes. I was sure I looked less than ladylike and was thankful that my mother couldn't see me now.

"No. Please sit." She motioned to the chair and the worn leather of the seat cushioned my back like an old friend.

"You must really want this baby." Mariettia smiled at me and I nodded.

"I love the father more than I can express." The words came before I realized they were true.

"I can tell." She nodded and smiled but I noticed my uncle frown with worry. "I've had to give this news before, most of the time the women are relieved, but I do not think you will not feel the same. I'm sorry Jess; you didn't lose the baby because there was never a child in your womb. You are not pregnant."

"There must be a mistake. My moon flow?" I tried to piece together what the curly-haired woman was telling me. How could I not be with child?

"Sometimes it is delayed. Could be from stress, lack of sleep, a change in diet, travel, the loss of your mate." Mariettia shrugged and smiled faintly.

"But it has been so long."

"I expect you'll get it in the next few days. You need to rest. I've had some of my patients go many cycles without one."

"Your tests are wrong." I felt frustration growing and I wanted to lash out at her. She looked pleased, as if all of my problems were solved by this news. As soon as the anger flared up I felt it fade away. Mariettia was just trying to help me. She did not understand who I was, what I had been through, or how much I wanted Kaiyer's child.

"We," I sighed and looked up at my uncle. "We made love almost every day, more often than not it was two or three times a day, for weeks." Beltor's face twisted unpleasantly but he didn't speak.

"I can tell you two facts and one opinion. You are not pregnant, you are fertile, and so it is possible that your mate is sterile."

"I am fertile?" I licked my lips and rubbed my hands against my stomach slightly before I stopped. I remembered the blow Jiure had given me and was grateful he had not hurt our baby or impaired my ability to have another one. I was devastated, yet it was somehow more comforting to know that there had never been a baby, than that one had lived and died inside of me. I would still have time to give Kaiyer a child. We would try again when we were reunited.

"Yes, the tests performed make me confident that you can bear children. So if what your claim is true about your lover's prowess, he may be the one unable to give you a child. It is not unheard of. Or your timing may simply have been off."

I nodded. I was relieved, but still wished that I carried Kaiyer's child. I had already imagined how beautiful he or she would be, how wonderful it would be to raise it with Kaiyer, and how we would spend the rest of our lives together as a perfect family. I would be a better mother than my own. The child would grow up surrounded by love, seeing the love Kaiyer and I shared, knowing it was wanted and adored. I could give it love like I never had from my mother and a childhood unlike mine.

Would it have been a boy or a girl? Would it have Kaiyer's green eyes or my blue? Would its hair be blonde or dark brown? Would it have his eyelashes and my dimples?

"I'd need to examine your mate to be sure. Or any other midwife or physician worth their herbs would be able to tell him." Mariettia's voice cut through the mental images of babies and brought me back to the present. She squeezed my shoulder reassuringly before she smiled again. "Do you have any questions for me?"

"No," I said even though I wanted to ask a hundred more times if she was sure.

"There are good midwives in every major city, for when you are ready to conceive. I can give you a recommendation if you'll tell me where you are heading." She smiled at my uncle.

"How much do we owe for your services?" I noticed Beltor was carrying a bundle of clothes wrapped in dark brown paper and tied with a rough looking cord.

"No charge, Uncle." She smiled at the family title she used for Beltor and shook her head at his refusal to tell her where we were heading. "You weren’t really able to use my services. I deliver babies for a fee, contrary news is free."

"Then take a donation." He handed her a small stack of coins. The woman tried to push them back but Beltor was used to commanding people. She quickly gave up her struggle and accepted the money.

"Goodbye, Jess," she sang after me when we stepped out of the store. I looked back to catch her wave and big smile. The woman tossed her hair over her shoulder and then gently closed the door once we walked off the property. Then we stood on the steep cobblestone streets that gave us the breathtaking view of the bay.

"How long did I sleep?" I asked Beltor.

"About an hour and a half. The midwife convinced me that you needed the rest." I nodded and tried to smile but I still hadn't fully digested the news of my pregnancy.

"I guessed on your size but here are a few pairs of traveling pants, blouses, undergarments, a better fitting cloak, and boots." He smiled at the bundle. It looked surprisingly small under his arm. My uncle wasn't as big as Greykin, few men were even close, but he was stout and muscular.

"My mother and Greykin will be worried," I said as I carefully stepped down a steep set of stairs to a walkway on the side of the main road. It was by a bakery and soup shop and the smell of the sharp sourdough bread and stewing tomatoes made my mouth water.

"Greykin will be beside himself." I frowned and continued to walk away from the delicious scents. I would probably never be able to make my mother happy, but the Old Bear didn't deserve to be worried. Even though I had pushed him away in the last few days.

"Is he mad at me?" I asked my uncle, even though I already knew the answer.

"No, of course not. I think he is hurt though. I can understand why you didn't want to tell him about your pregnancy, but he doesn't know the reasons. All he knows is the girl he has cared for since she was a baby is pushing him away. The presence of your mother is also making it difficult on him. He swore to protect her when she was wed to your father and she is more than an annoyance."

"I'll talk to him. I should tell him about what happened."

"Maybe you don't need to explain everything." Beltor smiled at me. "The Old Bear already feels terrible about losing you; I don't know how he would react to knowing that you and Kaiyer were lovers out of joining. He might murder Kaiyer." We both laughed and I nodded in agreement. My uncle was probably right about Greykin. He was better off imagining I was the virgin he needed me to be. He would probably prefer to think of me that way even if I’d born fifteen children.

"I'll make amends some other way." He nodded in agreement and we continued our walk for a few more minutes down the hill in silence.

"Uncle?" He had been staring out over the aqua bay while we walked and my voice brought his attention to me. "Greykin would be mad if he knew, my mother would be horrified, and I think my father would have sent me away if he had known about Kaiyer. I still love him though and I don't regret what I have done. I wish I was carrying his child. Does that make me unfit to be a noble woman?"

"That is an odd question, Jess. I don't know if you are really looking for me to give you an honest answer."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"It isn't a question of royalty or nobility. I have a feeling that you would be happy with him in any situation. But I question Kaiyer's motives." He frowned at me and noticed that I was slightly out of breath from walking down the hill. He motioned for us to rest against the wood railing that protected pedestrians from falling off the steep side of the road.

"His motives? He did not have any motives. We were in love, so we made love. There was no nefarious reason for it." I thought framing the question as I had would have allowed my uncle to express his feelings by projecting them onto my parents and Greykin, without him directly having to say how he felt about my indiscretions. But instead, I was defending Kaiyer. It made me angrier than I thought I should have been that my uncle questioned his intentions and worthiness. "I thought you liked him? Didn't he save you from our enemies?"

"Aye. He did and I do like the boy. However, there is still much we don't understand about him. It seems that he may not even know much about himself."

"I understand him. He is brave and good. And he loves me. In Brilla he protected me from assassins. He saved me from the Ancients. He ran after me for weeks, all alone, on foot, with no concern for himself, he was so desperate to save me. What could motivate such recklessness save love?" I felt the disappointment and desperation seep into my words. If my uncle didn't approve of Kaiyer, I knew that my father would not have either.