The Devil’s Guide To Hollywood (65 page)

A
ctor Timothy Bottoms disliked Dino De Laurentiis so much that he pissed on his shoes during the production of the movie.

If you’re a writer, don’t be a producer
.

I
never wanted to be a producer, but I had more movie ideas than I had the time to write them all. Plus, I was intrigued by the notion of setting up a production company that would give screenwriters more control over their scripts and more participation profit than they’d ever had before. And I had two good producer friends—I’ll call them Ben and Bill—whom I enjoyed hanging out with.

So the three of us started to set up our own production company. We even had the name for it: Renegade. We had the company icon all worked out, too. Our films would begin with a steel door slamming shut and then being sprayed by bullets that spelled out R-E-N-E-G-A-D-E. We even designed and ordered three beautiful varsity jackets with the Renegade logo on the back and the names Joe, Ben and Bill scripted on the front. We also had office space picked out and—
get this
—studios ready to begin bidding against one another to make a deal with us.

And then, suddenly, in the Hungarian way, with a great big bang (not a whimper) Renegade
imploded
.

Ben and Bill, I noticed, didn’t like each other and were trying to score points against each other—with me—behind each other’s backs. I finally realized that it was normal behavior—because they weren’t friends; they were—individually—
my
friends. I liked hanging out with Ben and with Bill—
individually
. There were serious strains in the subtext when
all three of us
were together. Each guy was jealous of the other’s friendship with me.

That was one good reason to forget about Renegade.

The other was that I fell in love with Bill’s wife and married her.

PART NINE

D
EALING WITH THE
S
TUDIO

LESSON 15

You’re a Jackass in a Hailstorm!

Barry Diller ruined movies
.

A
ccording to producer/studio boss Mike Medavoy: “Barry Diller’s Paramount regime was the beginning of the movie by committee syndrome that pervades Hollywood today.

“Diller and his lieutenants began setting the agenda at the script stage. Previously, it was left up to the director and the screenwriter to work out what the movie would say and how it would be said, and then run it by the studio for input. But at Paramount, the executive would get involved with the first draft of the script, typing up voluminous notes for the filmmakers.

“Next, they would hold story meetings so the executives and filmmakers could float their ideas, many of which were undoubtedly in conflict with one another. It was then left up to the filmmakers to cut and paste it all together.”

Killer Dillers

Executives hired by Barry Diller in whatever enterprise he is involved in.

Ingratiate yourself with your superiors
.

I
n an effort to convince me to change the ending of my script, a studio head listed for me all the television series that he had written, worked on, or supervised.

I said, “I know you’ve done all those things. That’s exactly the problem.”

Insult their pampered white asses
.

I
am extremely allergic to big shots of all types wherever found,” said screenwriter/author Raymond Chandler. “I lose no opportunity to insult them whenever I get the chance.”

They begrudge you the money they have to pay you
.

P
laywright/screenwriter David Mamet: “In my experience, almost every financial interchange with Hollywood ends with an accusation by the corporation of theft. ‘You didn’t do what I wanted, you didn’t work hard enough, you intended to defraud me.’ These are the recurring plaints of industry. They may be translated as: You forgot to work for nothing.”

ALL HAIL

Doug Kenney!

Doug Kenney, the screenwriter of
Caddyshack
, hated the poster for the movie so much that he confronted studio head Mike Medavoy outside his office and the two wound up grappling on the ground.

The poster was changed.