The Dirt (69 page)

The next afternoon, Tommy called. He was excited because he had just checked his answering machine and there was a message from Pam. He made me call his machine and listen to it. “I love you so much, baby,” the message began. “And I’m so sorry you are in there. I know it will make you a stronger person, though. Just always remember that I love you and care about you very much.”

I called Tommy back. “Dude,” he said. “I have hope. There’s a good chance now that we will be back together.”

I wanted to keep my mouth shut, but that’s not what a real friend would do. “I have a story to tell you,” I began, “and I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

He was flabbergasted. He refused to believe that while he was in jail talking to cockroaches, she was out getting the cockroach.

“You know what,” he told me. “Pam always hated you.”

I always knew that was true. Some people said it was because she was jealous of my friendship with Tommy, but I always thought it was because she couldn’t control me. Every time she went out to eat with us, she had every man at the table willing to sell their soul to pay the check or pass the bread or pick up a napkin she had dropped. But I was never interested. I used to tell Mick that I wouldn’t even fuck her with his dick. She just seemed weird and misshapen, like someone had beat her face in with an ugly stick, albeit a very expensive ugly stick. Who she reminded me of, actually, was some of the chicks Vince fucked. And, come to think of it, she was one of the chicks Vince fucked.

5/28/98

F.E.A.R.

False Evidence that Appears Real.

Fear, the enemy of faith.

Where Faith is, Fear isn’t.

I shall Fear
Not.

Why am I scared?

Is she gonna leave me?

Will she come back?

Does she really love me?

If it’s in fact—

My cell is a “one-man submarine.”

Worry is “soul-suicide.”

If in fact

She really really loves me

Then why did she leave me?

And will she ever come back?

Possible album title: “Feardrops From…”

5/29/98

“Control your emotion or it

Will control you!”

“The angry man will defeat

Himself in battle

As well as in life.”

5/31/98
(written on the back of a pamphlet titled “Our Daily Bread”)

Pamela,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re taking the incident that we had as the breakpoint of our marriage. It was a terrible incident. I’m being punished for it.

They got us! The press, the stress, the public, etc.

We let ’em destroy us!

6/1/98

To P. Lee

Could we dig up this treasure

Were it worth the pleasure

Where we wrote love’s songs

God we have parted way too long

Could the passionate past that is fled

Call back its dead

Could we live it all over again

Were it worth the pain

I remember we used to meet

By a swing seat over the piano

And you chirped each pretty word

With the air of a bird.

And your eyes, they were blue-green & gray

Like an April day

But lit into amethyst

When I stooped and kissed

I remember I could never catch you

For no one could match you

You had wonderful luminous fleet

Little wings on your feet.

I remember so well the hotel room

Fun in the sun in Cancún

That beat that played in the living room & La Boom

In the warm February sun

Could we live it over again

Were it worth this pain

Could the passion past that is fled

Call it back or is it dead

Well, if my heart must break

Dear love, for your sake

It will break in music, I know

Poets’ hearts break so

But strange that I was not told

That the heart can hold

In its tiny prison cell

God’s heaven and hell

Undated letter to Jay Leno

Jay,

Pamela asked you not to go there and you did! Pam said she talked to you after the show, and told you she was upset. And she told me you said to her don’t worry, this will be good for her career.

Is there anything you’d like to say to me about this? I consider what might have been called our friendship to be seriously damaged.

Tommy Lee

P.S. The stand-up guy I thought you were might go back on the air and apologize for having given me a long-distance sucker punch. I’m not suggesting that you take my side publicly, I don’t need anyone to do that. Without knowing all the facts, my private life should not have been grist for the mill of your program!

6/2/98

Pamela,

Please take Brandon aside and read this to him, okay?
Thank you.

Brandon,

Daddy is at work playing the drums and wishes he could be with you on this special day. Daddy is always with you in spirit today and every day. (You may be too young to understand, but I plant the seeds.)

“You are perfect just as you are,”

“Love is all there is,”

and “Now is all we have.”

So enjoy today!

Happy Birthday Loverboy.

I miss you!

Daddy!

P.S. Pamela, please squeeze him really really really tight for me from Daddy—OK? (You can’t even imagine what this is like for me to miss this.)

6/25/98

“My Cell”

This tiny room sounds so still

It smells like stale sulfur in the water

It seeps through the walls

It tastes like death

The floor has a sticky slime that

Is detriment to body and soul

I spin not in circles but in squares

From the shape of this room

6/26/98

Ahh Soooo

There was a little geisha girl ho from Tokyo

Said she could blow so I said let’s go

Yo! Jump in my limo

Back to the no-tell motel for a little kiss ’n’ tell

Damn, my dick’s starting to swell

So I gave her two glasses of panty remover

hoping to subdue her

So I could screw her

I had no clue the bitch knew kung fu

Then my rubber blew

Oh my god what’s this green goo?

Now I might have AIDS

At least I got laid

Wasn’t worth what I paid for this pussy

Should I be afraid

Naw, just spray your dick with some Raid

Shit, I’m going crazy. What the fuck am I writing? I hope no one sees this.

7/28/98

Hi baby,

Here I sit in a cage on the rooftop with, for the first time in weeks, sunshine on my face. They only let me up here at 4:00
P.M.
and I just caught what’s left of the sun——wow! Squinting from the rays that I’m not used to. I cried as sadness and pain remind me of why I’m here constantly like a permanent scar. I hate it here & I’m never coming back. God, I miss the sunshine.

I heard you ask me what my fantasy was on the phone the other day. And I hesitated to say it because I didn’t want to create any pressure about it! But, I’d love to share it with you, and a letter is safer than a phone call. That way you can know what I’m feeling without feeling the pressure of having to say something.

My fantasy is that when I am released from jail that… I could see you & spend some time alone together or, perhaps, find some time alone together. We have so many things to talk about. I would love to share with you how my life is going to be in so many ways different!

When I look ahead into the future I see a lot of happiness for Tommy. I’d also love to share all the new things I’ve learned with you… I miss your sparkling eyes. Also, I miss your phone calls! And that smile that makes me weak.

7/31/98

Pamela,

Please don’t send me your meaningless letters! How can you write that shit after fucking someone else?

The president can admit his infidelity, but you can’t? I don’t trust you. Please leave me alone. You have
no
idea what love
is
or passion. My love is powerful. If yours was you would have been able to stay home & be a mother and kept your panties
on
! You’re right: You do need to keep your distance from me—I don’t wanna look at you, I’ll throw up. You took my
dream
from me—
my
Family
!!

I will not let you kill my dream, I will one day find someone special who
truly
loves me! And you’re right, there will never be another man like me!

You make all this sound like I forced you into this—I think you’re trying to make yourself feel better about yourself and the infidelity and choosing another man. This is all your choice not mine!

Can you say
guilty
? It will eat you
alive
! You have nothing at all
to
fear and certainly the boys don’t. I will
not
pursue
you
! I will answer your letter later; you’ve made the biggest
mistake
of your and the childrens’ life!

P.S. Hope you weren’t wearing the cross I got you while you were getting fucked.

8/7/98

I’ve got 4 weeks left in here and I need to get my head straight.

Can you talk to me about this?

I deserve to know!

I need truth & clarity!

I got to make some decisions!

Every human thought and every human action is based in either love or fear. Which one are you basing your decision on?

8/16/98

Soft, tender, nurturing.

Who am I? A father of 2 boys; a creative and talented soul with a passion for music & a love of life and nature, the ocean and its creatures; sunsets are my fave time of day. I’ve always loved children! I’ve also loved sex, movies, music, fast cars, drawing, painting, water skiing, fishing, dirt bikes, boating, camping.

An addictive personality would be accurate. I can be manipulating too—only in fear of losing her.

Who did I marry? Pamela is sexy, sensitive, shy, nurturing, loving, passionate, sometimes crazy, and scattered! She is a caretaker. She is also controlling, sheltered, closed; she needs lots of attention; she needs to live! Go outside in nature and enjoy. I can’t remember the last time we walked together. I would ask a lot but no response!

Don’t blame yourself, Tommy.

8/16/98

Oh GOD! I just heard Pamela’s voice on the phone. I’m trembling with tears. I miss her soooo much! Back to the walking thing—we were trapped a lot. (Prisoners of our own celebrity.) Nobody understands what it’s like to be trapped in jail without my family! The pain is unbearable! Christy spent hours with Pam last night and didn’t really have any info for me. Bummer. I could really use some in here! The day before I spent 2 hours on the phone with Christy. She had to mention me. The silence is killing me. (I feel like my childhood is here: silence.)

9/1/98

I will be there for you no matter what.

When I get out:

Karate

Steak

Bath

Hawaii

When I get outta here there are some things I desire to do: Eat a steak. Take a long look at the sunset at the beach. A long bath with lots of bubbles (with you would be awesome too… Ha ha … that too with you wouldn’t suck). Some karate lessons and boxing again. Also, Hawaii for seven days.

Pam, I want you to know that I will always be there for you, even if things don’t work out for us … no matter what, okay?

9/4/98
(written on a Post-it note)
Love