The Disappearance of Ember Crow (10 page)

My shout rang out through the caves. Nicky raised his head, and gave a soft “woof”. As if he agreed with me. Or just wanted to join in the noise.

“Feel better?” Connor asked.

“No,” I answered grumpily.

He reached out, and I went to him, wrapping my arms around his chest and pressing my cheek against his shoulder. He held me tight, and I closed my eyes – shutting out the room, Ember’s secrets, all the things that had to be done – until there was only Connor and me. “She’s in real trouble.”

He didn’t lie to me. “Yes. Whatever she’s mixed up in, it’s much bigger than we thought. More complicated. More dangerous.”

I clung to him for a moment longer. Then I let go and stepped back, baring my teeth in a wolf snarl. “We’ve dealt with dangerous before.”

“So we have.” The fierceness in his face matched my own.
He is here, I am here
… I looked around the room. “Let’s finish searching this place. Then I’m going to talk to Grandpa again. And I’ll try the crows, and we’ll go to the city – whatever it takes.”

One way or another, I was going to find Ember. Yell at her. And save her.

Not necessarily in that order.

The search dragged on, into hours, then days. There was a
lot
of stuff in the cache. We found more bits of tech, and a heap of Alexander Hoffman’s writings, plus sets of schematics for some of his inventions – but nothing else about aingls, and nothing that would lead us to Em.

After three days, we’d finally managed to get through it all, and I went to talk to grandfather. He wouldn’t come out, no matter how much I pleaded or how loud I shouted. I tried the crows as well. They weren’t talking either, not even to the Chirpers. The only leads I was left with were the aingls – which didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere – and the fact that Ember had been chasing after the false Serpent. Connor and I were going to have to go to the next anti-Citizenship rally in Gull City, which was over a month away. And since there was nothing I could usefully do to find her in the meantime, I returned to forest life with the Tribe.

I’d broken the news to them that Ember was missing, just the bare details that she was gone and I wasn’t sure where. Everyone was worried. They needed the reassurance of my presence, and I needed to lead my Pack. I slipped back into the daily routine of doing chores; sorting out any disputes that flared up between Tribe members; and simply being around to listen to people’s troubles and triumphs. Nicky trailed around after me, except when he was off hunting his meat with the other dogs, or shamelessly lapping up attention from the rest of the Tribe. He couldn’t seem to get enough love, that dog; he soaked it up like his heart was a sponge. Georgie stayed nearby, too, she’d clearly missed me while I’d been gone. And I wanted her close, to keep her away from future-gazing. She’d immediately volunteered to look again, after I’d told her and Daniel about the aingls, in case she could see anything more than numbers and equations. I’d forbidden it.

Ten nights after I’d returned from the wolves, I lay huddled in my sleeping bag in the big cavern the Tribe used for winter camp. Nicky was at my feet, and everyone else was snoozing around me, with the exception of Daniel and Connor. The two of them were spending the evening in the cache. Daniel seemed to find the tech as fascinating as Connor did, even though he didn’t understand it any better than me. The last time I’d visited them, I’d found Connor explaining various bits of machinery to Daniel as the two of them organised the parts into categories; they were going to try to build a recycler if they had all the right pieces. Neither of them had been very impressed when I’d picked up a couple of the parts and started to juggle them.

We really did need a list of everything in the cache, and I was glad Connor had someone who was happy to help him go over it all. I’d had more than enough of the dark, silent room. I was much happier out here, surrounded by familiar, comforting things: the steady breathing of Tribe members and Tribe dogs; the flickering flames of our campfire; and the woodsy scent of smoke, rising up though a hole in the roof of the cave.
And the stars
. I could just glimpse a small patch of night sky, out through the mouth of the cavern. In the old world people used to make wishes on stars, Em had told me that. I could see six stars, from where I was, so I made the same wish six times over.
Let her come home safe
.

I yawned and let my eyes close, blacking out the sky. It wouldn’t take me long to doze off. I’d taken the herb that guaranteed a sleep without dreams. I’d been using it ever since the nightmare. I didn’t want to be worrying about my ability on top of everything else, but I was going to stop soon. I’d
have
to allow myself to dream, sooner or later, and not only because of the danger of hallucinations if I used the herb for too long. The only way to know for sure if I’d resolved the fears that were causing my ability to malfunction was to allow myself to Sleepwalk. But I didn’t want to try it yet, not when things were just getting back to some sort of normal.
I’ll stop taking the herb tomorrow night. Or the next one. Or the one after that …

I drifted into sleep. I should not have dreamed.

But I did.

And in my dream, I was a monster.

I had to find prey. I was being driven to hunt by pain that roared through my body. If I could find prey, the pain would end. For a little while. Then it would return, but that was only right. Monsters deserved to suffer.

I roamed back and forth, searching. I was surrounded by structures, some tall, some short, but all made of the same white material. Suddenly, I knew where I was. This was Detention Centre 3. There was the cell block where I’d been imprisoned. There was the hospital where Doctor Wentworth had saved my life, more than once. There was Neville Rose’s secret rhondarite processing plant, and the high composite wall that surrounded the whole place. Only it was wrong. Everything was shining, new, complete. This wasn’t how the centre looked now. Much of it had burned, and they hadn’t rebuilt the ruined section.

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. I was having a bad dream.

The moment I understood that, everything changed.

I was in a den where wolf pups slumbered. Some were curled up, others lay on their backs with their little paws in the air. There was a black dog, too, sleeping along with the rest. They were all so helpless, so vulnerable.
I can’t be here! I am a monster
.

I ran. Out of the den and into a strange landscape, one made up of flowing green creatures. They reached out to me, calling me into the protection of their long, thin arms. I ran from them as well. Didn’t they understand how dangerous I was? They shouldn’t be offering me shelter.

Something slammed into me from behind, knocking me down. I tried to get back up, but the weight on my back was heavy, pinning me to the earth. A voice whispered,
You are good
.

Those words were alive; they tore through my body and set me on fire, but I did not burn.
I am good? I am good
.

The weight on my back shifted, and there was a sound, right in my ear – “WOOF!”

And I woke up.

It was dark and I was sprawled in the dirt. Someone was lying on top of me, panting. Someone with really smelly breath.

“Nicky? Get off!”

He bounced away, and I sat up. I was in the forest, surrounded by towering tuarts and the twisting shadows cast by moonlight. Hunching over, I rested my head on my knees and closed my eyes, waiting for the shakiness and nausea to pass.
I Sleepwalked?
But I shouldn’t have been able to dream!

Nicky came back to flop at my side, tail wagging, and I rested a trembling hand on top of his head, trying to sort through what had happened. I’d been having a crazy nightmare about hunting things in Detention Centre 3, of all places. Except I’d realised it was a dream, which meant my ability had activated.

But even though I’d been Sleepwalking during a nightmare, I’d known the Tribe weren’t a threat. I’d seen them as pups. I’d known Nicky wasn’t a threat, as well, or the forest. In fact, I’d tried to protect them from my monster-self.

I could tell a friend from an enemy when I Sleepwalked.

My ability was working again.

I raised my head, a huge grin breaking across my face. Nicky nosed my leg, and I petted his ears. He’d helped me, and maybe the forest had too.
I am good
. Had that been the trees, reaching out to me with those words, that reassurance?
The Tribe makes me the best of what I can be, the Firstwood makes me the best of what I can be …

“Guess what, Nicky? I think I’m all better!”

Somewhere among the trees, someone said, “That’s great, Ash!”

I gaped as Georgie came walking out of the trees, wearing her grey winter coat and carrying a blanket over her arm.

“What are you doing here?” I demanded. “And don’t say you always know where to find me!” That was what Georgie usually said when she unexpectedly turned up wherever I happened to be.

She draped the blanket over my shoulders and dropped to sit at my side. “I followed you. When you started to Sleepwalk.”

Oh. I hadn’t sensed her in the dream, she must have been far enough behind me to not become part of it. “That was dangerous, Georgie.”

“No it wasn’t. Because you’re all better.”

“Yes, but you didn’t know that! And …” I frowned. “Actually, I might not be totally better, because it was weird that I could Sleepwalk at all. I took the herb, the one that makes me sleep without dreaming–”

“No, you didn’t,” she interrupted cheerfully. “You took the
other
herb, the one that just makes you sleep.”

I shook my head. “I’m really careful with those herbs, Georgie, I wouldn’t have mixed them up.”

“You didn’t. I switched them.”

“You
what
?”

“You needed to dream, Ash. That’s how you work things out. So I switched the mixture.”

“Since when?”

“Since you first starting taking it. After you came back from the wolves.”

Which meant I could have Sleepwalked at any time over the past nine nights. “Georgie, that’s – if I’d known I might use my ability I would’ve slept away from the Tribe, so no one would get hurt if it went wrong. You should never have taken such a risk.”

She smiled her sunny smile, teeth shining in the moonlight. “If I hadn’t, you wouldn’t be better. And you wouldn’t know the thing you didn’t know before.”

“I don’t know anything that I didn’t know before!”

Georgie didn’t respond to that, just sat there. I could feel the pressure of her expectant gaze. She was waiting for me to realise something. And it dawned on me that I
did
know something new. Something that I’d been slowly coming to understand over the past days – no, weeks. I was at the end of a process that had begun with the wolves. Because the Pack had taught me something about letting go and not looking back. Wolves mourned, but they didn’t regret. And since I’d returned, I’d been given a message, over and over – from Connor, and Grandpa, and Jaz, and Nicky, and the Tribe. I’d heard what they’d been saying, and I’d even understood it, sort of, in my head. I hadn’t felt it in my heart before now.

I gave voice to my new realisation. “I killed a man. But I am not a monster.”

Saying that out loud seemed to shake something loose inside me. I took in a gasping breath, wiping at suddenly misty eyes.
I killed a man, but I am not a monster
.

“Ash?” Georgie sounded alarmed. “Why are you crying?”

“It’s all right. They’re happy tears.” I smiled at her through them. She smiled back, reassured, and bounced to her feet, holding out her hands. “We should get back to camp. It’s freezing out here.”

I let her pull me up. The two of us began to make our way back to the caves, Nicky padding along by my side. We were moving slowly – I was still a little shaky, and besides, I was enjoying the walk. Georgie was right that the air was icy, but I didn’t feel cold.

I am good
. In the dream, those words had set me alight.

They warmed me still.

A day later, and I was sitting on the shore of the lake. I was alone for the afternoon – Nicky was out hunting, Georgie had joined in a honey harvesting expedition, and Daniel and Connor were in the cache. I’d decided to see if I could get Grandpa to come out, but I hadn’t had any luck so far. I was considering splashing about in the shallows to get his attention when Jaz’s voice came thundering into my mind.

ASH! YOU THERE?

I winced.
There’s no need to shout
.

Pepper’s caught someone
.

What do you mean, she’s caught someone?

An Illegal. On the grasslands, trying to get to you
.

A potential Tribe member.
New recruit? How far away
–

No, you don’t understand. This guy says he has a message. From Ember
.

What? WHERE IS HE?

A moment of silence. Then:
There’s no need to shout …

Jaz!

You’re losing your sense of humour, Ash. Pepper’s bringing him to the Traveller
.

“The Traveller” was the saur name for the big river that meandered out of the forest and cut across part of the grasslands.
Meet at the usual place?

Yep
.

Which meant Pepper was heading to the point where the river broke into two smaller streams.
I’m coming. Did you warn Pepper to be careful?
I’d mindspoken Jaz about the aingls, but we’d agreed to keep it quiet until we knew more, and so far as I knew he’d hadn’t told any of his Tribe.
We don’t know who this guy is, and Em’s mixed up in some serious stuff …

Pepper’s fine, Ash. Wanders-too-Far is with her
.

Good
. Pepper would be safe enough with a saur around.
I’m on my way
.

She’ll be waiting
.