The Educated Ape & other Wonders of the Worlds (59 page)

‘And
I
have one for
you.’
Lady Raygun now flourished
her
weapon. It
was a ray gun of a respectable size. But nothing on the scale of Cameron
Bell’s.

She
raised it high and said, ‘And so you die.’

But
Lavinia Dharkstorrm reached a trigger first and a bolt of raw red energy tore
from within her reticule, crossed the atrium at something approaching the speed
of light and struck Lady Raygun full force in the brass corsetry. The lady fell
backwards from the blast. Lavinia Dharkstorrm fled.

She
fled in the company of Princess Pamela into the Hall of British Industry.

‘I’m
not one for runnin’, chuck,’ puffed the pinky princess. ‘And I ‘ave an
appointment with me sister.’

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm urged her mistress onwards. ‘We must seek an unhallowed area to
perform the ceremony,’ she cried. ‘Faster, mistress, faster.’

Within the
atrium, Lady Raygun helped Cameron Bell to his feet. ‘I am sorry,’ she said,
‘but I must do it my way.

‘Fair
lady,’ said Cameron Bell, fearfully aware that his months of planning would
certainly now come to nothing. ‘I regret that your headstrong ways may be the
death of us all.’

‘Not
while breath remains to me.

Lady
Raygun mounted the parapet of the balcony then flung herself into the air. The
curious membrane swirled around her, bearing her aloft. She swept through the
doorway in pursuit of her sister.

Cameron
Bell picked up his oversized weapon and sighed. ‘My plans have now come all
apart,’ said he.

‘Mr
Bell,’ came a voice. ‘Mr Bell, if you please.’

Cameron
Bell glanced down to the fountain.

Where
stood Cameron Bell!

‘Ah,
Jonny,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Or is it Neville?’

‘I’m
Neville,’ said another Cameron Bell, stepping out from under the stairs.

‘And
we are quitting,’ said Jonny. ‘You told us this was a birthday surprise for
your mother.’

Cameron
Bell made a pained expression. He had indeed said some such thing.

‘You
also said it would be a harmless practical joke,’ said Neville.

Norman,
another Mr Bell, said, ‘You didn’t say anything about women with ray guns.’

The
heads of various Cameron Bells nodded up and down.

‘I
really do need your help now more than ever,’ said the detective. ‘It really is
very
important. I will double your wages, if needs be.’

‘No,’
said Jonny, and he shook his baldy head. ‘As founder member of both the Charles
Dickens Appreciation Society and the Mr Pickwick Look-Alikesters, I wish to
inform you that we have a strict policy regarding payment. You can expect our
invoice in the post.’

Cameron
Bell looked most downcast, for most downcast was he.

‘But
perhaps you might take some of these.’ Jonny now marched up the staircase and
pushed a bundle of cards into Cameron’s hand. ‘We do themed weddings in the
gambling city on Jupiter,’ he said. ‘So if any of your friends might feel
inclined to be married by Mr Pickwick—’

‘Please
leave now,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Or I will shoot you dead.’

‘Shoot someone
dead,’ puffed the princess. ‘I can’t be ‘avin with all this lark. Find anybody
and shoot ‘im.’

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm ran on ahead, rushed through the doorway and into the Hall of
Venus.

And
here she became no longer Lavinia Dharkstorrm.

She
became a panther, springing forward, lips drawn back, claws outstretched,
terrible teeth a—gleam.

Princess
Pamela reached the doorway and leaned upon the doorpost, wheezing fearfully.

‘Ah,’
said she, between such fearful wheezings, ‘we ave reached t’ safety of
unhallowed ground once more.

Lavinia
became Lavinia again.

She
lowered the reticule to the floor and removed the reliquaries. ‘We will perform
the ceremony here,’ she said. ‘Once done, and on the hour of midnight, you can
do as you please to that sister of yours.’

‘And
what of thee and thy sister, my petal?’

‘On
unhallowed ground, she is mine to control.’

“Ope
thou art right.’ Princess Pamela pointed. ‘She took thy ear’ole off last time,
lass.’ Princess Pamela tittered.

‘Perhaps,
if required, you might offer some assistance,’ Lavinia Dharkstorrm said.

The
Lady Beast turned up her palms. ‘Behold t’ darkness lyin’ beyond,’ she said,
‘and don’t forget the rain o’ frogs and pink snow that ‘ad ‘em all covered in
t’ boils.’

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm sighed. ‘But you have no magic at all that you can contribute
here?’

‘Thy
job for t’ present.’ Princess Pamela had now caught her breath. ‘Thou dost not
buy a dog then bark thyself, or so the sayin’ goes.’

The
reliquaries stood upon the inlaid marble floor. Lavinia Dharkstorrm raised her
arms to the heavens.

In space the
planets wheeled towards alignment.

And
high above Earth the Venusian armada received telepathic orders to go to red
alert.

The
clock ticked on towards the midnight hour.

Toscanini
wielded his baton.

Freude,
schöner Götterfunken,

Tochter
aus Elysium!

sang the choir.
Which was to say:

Joy,
beautiful spark of the Gods,

Daughter
of Elysium!

Within
the Venusian Hall, Lavinia Dharkstorrm called out the barbarous names. Shrieked
the words of blasphemy that would herald in the time of the Lady Beast.

And
of the four, of the Air and

of
the Fire and of the Earth

and
of the Water, that they

should
be brought together into

an
unhallowed place, so shall

the
Lord God know that his

people
have fallen from his

Grace
and he be done with them.

The
Book of Sayito

A
darkness of Death itself cloaked all without.

A
chill wind blew through the ragged holes in the great hall’s wounded sides.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm screamed the spell of terrible power. And things looked rather grim
for planet Earth.

57

hunder
rolled across the sky. Lightning tore the heavens into shreds.

Within
the concert hall, the Ninth was growing steadily towards its climax.

Ihr
stürzt nieder, Millionen?

Ahnest
du den Schöpfer, Welt?

You
bow down, millions?

Can
you sense the Creator, world?

Within
the Venusian Hall the darkness from without was seeping in across the floor,
spreading like an oily flood.

Lavinia’s
voice echoed, shrill, inhuman, atavistic.

Queer
vibrations buzzed and battered at the walls of glass.

Princess
Pamela wrung her hands together.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm howled and howled and howled.

And
then the great arched roof above buckled inwards, twisted, shattered and fell.
Glass cascaded to the floor, bursting with explosive force.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm shielded her face as down with the maelstrom of glass came Lady
Raygun.

She
grabbed the witch by her raven hair and hurled her from her feet.

‘Too
late!’ cried Lavinia Dharkstorrm. ‘The spell is done. The wheels are in motion.
Nothing now can stop it.’

‘But
I can kill
you,
sister dear.’ Lady Raygun drew her weapon, aimed it at
her sister.

Princess
Pamela knocked it from her hand. ‘Wilt thou please kill this bl**dy woman!’ she
shouted.

‘With
the greatest pleasure, Madam Glory.’

Rain
lashed in through the broken roof. Darkness crept across the floor, far darker
than the shadows left by lightning.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm shifted shape, becoming once more a panther.

She
sprang towards her sister, but her sister ducked aside.

The
panther’s claws raised sparks upon the marble floor. Its tail whipped and its
growl, deep-throated, was the very sound of Death itself.

Once
more it leapt. Lady Raygun snatched up one of the reliquaries and smashed it
into the panther’s head. The creature lashed out with a claw, tearing flesh
from her sister’s left shoulder.

Lady
Raygun sprang into the air, the curious membrane lifting her beyond the reach
of the panther’s slashing talons.

The panther
prowled beneath, became an eagle, took to flight.

Princess
Pamela knotted her fists and called for the witch to kill.

The
eagle swelled, became as some terrible dragon. ‘Ee-oop,’ went Princess Pamela,
‘‘appen me powers are arrivin’.’

And
there was war in Heaven

And
the angel did give battle

with
the dragon.

The
Book of Sayito

The
dragon’s claws closed about Lady Raygun. Impregnable this lady might be to
bullets, but not so to magic.

‘So
die, sister!’ shrieked the dragon. ‘All is lost for you.’

Its
claws crushed harder and harder, squeezing life from the lady in the armoured
corset, pressing in upon her heart, crushing at her bones.

Lady
Raygun’s eyes saw nothing but blackness. Darkness wrapped about her as a shroud
…

And
then the dragon squawked. It cried and squawked and fell. Lady Raygun crashed
to the floor, rolled over and lay still. The dragon, no longer a dragon,
squawked as a chicken should.

‘And
what of
this?’
howled Princess Pamela.

Leah
the Venusian stepped from shadows, Darwin creeping fearfully behind her.

‘Who
art
thou?’
asked Princess Pamela, very much appalled.

‘I am
your destroyer,’ said Leah. ‘You would bring this world to ruination. This I
cannot allow.’

‘Thou
art comely,’ said the princess. ‘Side with me, thou pretty thing. When all t’
world is mine, I’ll ‘ave thee for my sweetest concubine.’

Leah
shuddered somewhat at the thought. And shuddered too for the chill that was
growing in the great hall. As the storm raged above, icy rain fell and evil
darkness closed from every corner. Leah snatched up the chicken and swiftly
wrung its neck.

‘What?’
The
princess stared in horror. ‘Thou hast killed my acolyte?’

‘And
so too you must die.’ Leah raised her wonderful fingers, weaving magic from
them into the troubled air. White light spread from her fingertips, became a
dazzling radiant beam that struck out at Princess Pamela.

But
the Lady Beast in pink just shook her head. ‘No, no, no,’ said she, a-waggling
a fleshy finger. Then, opening very wide her mouth, she swallowed up the light.
‘Only moments now,’ said Princess Pamela, belching rather loudly. ‘And all
shalt kneel before me. But thee first, I’m thinkin’.’

And
now a fierce pink light welled out about the princess, focused into a fiery
ball and flew at Leah’s face.

Leah
raised a slender hand. The ball of fire became as ice and fell in dazzling
splinters to the floor, mingled with the shattered glass and spreading
darkness, faded and was gone.