The Educated Ape & other Wonders of the Worlds (60 page)

Leah
threw wide her arms. ‘You are alone in your evil,’ she cried. ‘But we of Venus
are the First Race and we have remained pure. Your magic is no match for ours.

‘Thou
liest, chuck,’ said Princess Pamela, pushing back her sleeves. ‘Thy people
skulk now in space, preparing to toss bombs down on t’ Earth. But moments soon,
when planets align, I shall cast a ring o’ fire to swallow every one. Leah
opened wide her mouth to sing a spell of death.

Princess
Pamela shook her head. ‘Thou canst not do it,’ she said.

Leah’s
golden eyes shone from within. Rain lashed down upon her. Lightning etched her
features onto blackness. Her fingertips plucked magic from the aether.

A
look of doubt appeared upon the face of Princess Pamela.

Icy
fingers clutched about her heart.

‘Oh
no, lass,’ she croaked, and staggered backwards. ‘Is this the power of thy
people — that thou wouldst give up thine own life to destroy mine?’

‘Gladly,’
cried Leah. ‘To save the people of this world and my own, too, from you.

Princess
Pamela made her fiercest face. ‘If thou desirest death,’ she shouted, ‘then thou
shalt ‘ave it now!’

For
the princess had seen what Leah had not. That a single flea had dropped from
the chicken when Leah wrung its neck. A single flea that now swelled into the
shape of Lavinia Dharkstorrm. The evil witch sprang forwards and took Leah by
the throat.

Princess
Pamela cocked her head on one side. ‘Oh dear, ‘she crowed. ‘Thou art lost for
words, my pretty. Dear Lavinia, kill ‘er, if thou wilt.’

Her
left hand gripping Leah by the throat, Lavinia Dharkstorrm laughed, and as the
storm thrashed now within the Hall of Venus, she raised her left hand to the
sky and a weapon of death appeared in it, a magical athame.

‘It
takes powerful magic to kill one of powerful magic,’ she cried. ‘I put my force
in this so you might die.’

Lightning
flashed within the great hall, showered sparks from the tip of the magical
blade, shone upon the women’s faces.

Upon
Princess Pamela, bloated, vile, the twin of the noble monarch, yet a monster in
human form.

Upon
the beautiful Leah, helpless to speak words of magic, golden-eyed as Athena,
virgin Goddess sprung from mighty Zeus.

Upon
Lavinia Dharkstorrm, evil incarnate, mauve of eye and black of heart. The worst
and most deadly of women.

And
now upon something more. Something terrific and awful to behold. A hand snatched
the magical blade from Lavinia’s grip. Another spun her about on her heels to
stare at the face of Death.

The
face of a demon glared upon the witch. A face of foul, malignant distortion.
The eyes those of a basilisk, a lipless mouth displaying jagged sharpened
teeth. Rain spattered, as of blood upon scaled flesh, ran down from the naked
scalp, dropped from the pointed chin.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm gaped in horror at the monstrous face. And then the blade went in.
Again and again it plunged into her heart. Again once more and again.

Lavinia
Dharkstorrm’s eyes became glazed. And perhaps for that fleeting moment some
humanity returned to her.

‘Sister,’
she whispered. ‘Dear sister, please forgive me. Lady Raygun cast the lifeless
corpse aside. ‘‘Tis done now,’ said she, ‘and done with a magical blade.’

She
wiped this blade upon her leather-sectioned skirt and advanced upon the
princess all in pink.

Lightning
rent the heavens with its fury.

Rain
gushed in.

A
fierce wind blew.

‘Of
fire,’ cried Lady Raygun, ‘and of water and of air. And you shall know the
earth.’

‘And
what knowest thou of
this?’
howled Princess Pamela.

‘You
crafted me a demon’s face. But I know well my scriptures,’ said the Mistress of
Mystery, her terrible mouth curled in a hideous grin. ‘You have spent your
magic upon the Venusian. You have no more to hurl at me.

‘Too
late.’ And at that moment there was nothing to be heard. The sound of the storm
ceased its awful cries. The raindrops appeared to hover in the frozen air. The
darkness closed on all beneath and drew down from above.

Yet
moving, somehow, with the slowest of motions. As if viewed through the slot of
zoetrope, Lady Raygun threw herself forwards at the Lady Beast, struck her from
her feet and flung her into the terrible darkness.

The
Lady Beast rose up and swung a fist and knocked the lady down. And all about
the great hall, the two figures wrestled, locked together in titanic conflict.

To
the centre of this hall, the Sphere of Nothingness glowed from within, as above
the seconds closed towards midnight and the planets fell into alignment.

The
Lady Beast snatched up one of the heavy posts that held the ropes shielding the
Sphere of Nothingness. She raised it high above her head and brought it down
with force on Lady Raygun.

The
lady buckled beneath the monstrous blow. The Lady Beast stepped forwards and
stood astride her. ‘Now is
my
time!’ she cried. She lifted high once
more the heavy post. Prepared to bring it down a final time.

Lady
Raygun looked up at the Lady Beast that loomed above her. The Lady Beast that
would take Victoria’s throne, lay waste to the people of the Empire and indeed
kill the one she loved so dearly. Lavinia Dharkstorrm, the evil sister, was
dead. Leah lay unconscious in the ever—rising darkness. Only she remained to
slay the Lady Beast. And she, it appeared, would very shortly die.

The
Lady Beast held high that heavy post. ‘Mine, all mine!’ she shouted.

Then—
‘Get off me! Ouch!’ she bellowed, swinging around and flailing at herself.
Something was attached to the buttocks of the Lady Beast.

That
something was Darwin the monkey.

The
simian’s teeth were well dug in to the flesh of a beastly buttock. The Lady Beast
danced squawking to and fro.

And
all, it appeared in this twilight moment of time, slowed down to almost nothing
at all.

Lady
Raygun arose as the Angel of Death. Her high boot-heels left the terrible
darkness and the magical membrane bore her smoothly aloft. She swung in an
acrobatic loop a foot, striking home in a jowl of the Lady Beast.

Princess
Pamela, Madam Glory, Lady Beast and all toppled backwards.

Darwin
loosened his teeth and skittered away.

And
flailing at the frozen air, unable to maintain her balance, back she fell.

Backwards.
Backwards.

Into
the Sphere of Nothing whatever at all.

A
flash of light.

A
clash of cymbals.

Be
embraced, millions!

This
kiss for the whole world!

Brothers,
above the starry canopy

Must
a loving Father dwell

Arturo
Toscanini brought down his baton to close the fourth movement. He mouthed a
single word to his orchestra and chorus. The single word, ‘Bravo.’

The
audience erupted into cheers.

The
thunder and the lightning ceased.

And
all throughout the British Empire …

Church
bells hailed the coming century.

58

he
audience in the concert hall rose to a standing ovation.

The
choir bowed, the orchestra bowed and Arturo Toscanini blew out kisses to the
ladies.

‘Wasn’t
that just the most wonderful thing?’ called Ernest Rutherford, up on his feet,
to the seated Violet Wond.

The
lady in the veil said nothing at all.

‘Are
you all right, my dearest?’ Ernest Rutherford touched her shoulder. The veil
and clothes fell in upon themselves. For there was no one inside them.

‘Now
however did you do
that?’
wondered Ernest Rutherford.

But
that was something he would never know.

Lady Raygun drew
her rubber headpiece down across her terrible features. Darwin stroked the head
of Leah. The Venusian opened her golden eyes and smiled upon the ape.

‘Did
you do what you had to do?’ she asked. Darwin nodded. ‘I did.’

Leah
clutched his hand and said, ‘And now all will be well.’

Two men stood in
the doorway that separated the Hall of British Industry from the Venusian Hall.
One was a controversial cleric. The other looked very much like Mr Pickwick.

The
Pickwickian fellow lit up a fine cigar.

‘You
could have helped,’ said Cardinal Cox. For it indeed was he.

‘You,
too,’ said Cameron Bell, exhaling smoke. ‘You were all prepared to speak the
words of the exorcism.’

‘True,’
agreed the cardinal. ‘But you are the one with the dirty great ray gun.

Cameron
Bell shouldered the dirty great ray gun. ‘And I would have used it,’ said he.
‘Perhaps. If it had been absolutely necessary. But if there is one thing that
this long and troubled case has taught me, it is not to get involved with
wilful women, if you can possibly avoid it.’

Cardinal
Cox nodded his head.

‘Two
women started it all,’ said Cameron Bell, ‘and another two women finished it.’

‘Two
ladies,’ agreed the cardinal. ‘And there was some monkey involvement.’

‘Ah,
yes,’ said Mr Bell. ‘Darwin,’ he called out to the ape. ‘Are you all right
there, my old ex-partner?’

Darwin
raised a thumb to the detective. ‘Hello, Mr Bell,’ he said. ‘And thank you so
much for not blowing all of us up.

‘We
are going for some champagne,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Would you care to join us?’

‘And
the ladies?’ Darwin asked.

‘Indeed,’
said Cameron Bell. ‘Those two ladies certainly deserve the best champagne.’

There were of
course many questions that had to be answered regarding what precisely had
actually occurred in London on New Year’s Eve, and at times the answers
appeared to fall a little short of the mark. The newspapers came to a
consensus, however, which held to the opinion that the hero of the day was Mr
Winston Churchill.

His
selfless tactics had brought an end to the anarchists’ reign of terror. For the
anarchists, in the garb of pirates, all lay dead in the Mall.

The
newspapers were also in agreement regarding the matter of the vast pink
turreted castle which stood foursquare upon ground once occupied by Buckingham
Palace.

It was
all the work of that fashionable fellow Señor David Voice, the
London-tram-driver-turned-architect whose famous bagnio was well attended by
members of the press.

The
pink palace had been erected overnight as a gift from a grateful nation to
their much-beloved Queen to celebrate the dawning of the twentieth century.

And
when corpses were cleared and red snow washed away, the Grand Exposition, with
its Venusian Hall temporarily closed for repair work, opened to the general
public.

Mr Rutherford’s
time-ship proved a most popular exhibit, but soon had to be withdrawn from
display.

It
just prompted too many questions.

Chief
amongst these was this. Why, folk wanted to know, if the British Empire now
possessed a time machine, why did it not dispatch soldiers of the Queen in the
company of modern back-engineered weaponry to destroy all the Martians in
eighteen eighty-five,
before
they attacked this world?

And
many other such questions.

Many
involving the anarchists.

There were no
anarchists present upon February the fourteenth when Lord Brentford married
Leah the Venusian.