The Embers Of My Heart (8 page)

"Standardized testing is what's always been done in school, though," Peters said. "I mean, it'd be nice to have some sort of baseline to compare against or something."

"Does that even work?" Burke asked. "Genuine question. Anyone feel free to answer."

"It's a load of bullshit," I said. "I mean, do test scores really define how smart you are? Don't you all know someone who slacks off but scores higher than people who spend time studying?"

"I guess, but-"

"Enough," Burke said. "This session is closed. I will bring your ridiculous request up and report on its abject failure during our next session. Leave, now."

I stayed in my seat while the others left, Rachel throwing me the finger on her way out. As the door shut behind the last person, Burke looked at me pointedly. "It's like none of them have ever heard of operational security," I said.

He groaned and rubbed his forehead. "While I shouldn't commiserate with you, yes, that request is a waste of time. There is no reason for any of you to know that sort of information without a direct, pressing need."

"What's the point of this, anyways?" I asked.

"The committee?"

"Yeah. Like that request, it seems to be a complete waste of time to me. You'll never approve anything serious."

Burke lifted his head and frowned at me. "There is a point to it, but the point is not for you."

"So what's the point of me being here? Seems like all I am is a reality check for the rest of them."

He stared at me for a moment before lowering his head to the table. "Parker, get out. Just get out. Now."

I got out. The door slammed shut behind me. I chuckled and took a fast walk back to the dorm. The middle of February was still freezing and it took entirely too long for me to get back to Carson Hall. By the time I got inside, I was shivering. Instead of heading to Nikki's room to warm up, I went back to my own room first. To my surprise, Drew and Max were both there. "What's up, Kev?" Drew greeted me.

"Not much," I said. "Just back from my meeting. Still colder than balls out there."

Max looked down. "I don't know. My balls are usually pretty warm."

"Weird to have a meeting on Sunday," Drew said.

"Just some stupid group meeting," I said. Both of them nodded. "So what's going on here? I didn't expect you both to be here."

"Getting ready for tonight, my friend," Max said. "We were discussing our respective plans for our Valentine's dates tonight. You know, romance is in the air and all that shit."

"Smells like cheap cologne in here."

"You say potato, I say fuck you."

"It is strong, dude," Drew said. "You don't want to suffocate her. I mean, Jess doesn't like the smell of smoke, but all you're doing is mixing it with cologne. Might be even worse."

"Wait, you're going out with Jess tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Are you two officially a thing now?"

"Do we need to sign some paperwork or something? Publish it in the newspaper?" He coughed and waved a hand in front of his face. "Yeah, maybe that is a little strong. I'll take another shower before I leave."

I was somewhat surprised. Max had been pursuing Jess to some extent for as long as I'd known him, and I knew that she wasn't uninterested, but I didn't know they had actually gotten together. A sudden pang of jealousy hit me. I wasn't entirely sure why. Maybe because they had a chance to be normal, get married, and raise a bunch of nerd children. I could see it happening.

"So what's in the cards for tonight, then?"

"Well, I got us reservations at a little Italian place," Max said. "I got her some flowers and shit too."

"I hope not actual shit."

He ignored me. "Afterwards, I think we were just going to head back here and watch a movie or something."

"Or something?" Drew asked. "Well, I'm taking Lisa out to dinner too, but we're getting a hotel room, so you'll totally have all the privacy you want. For something."

"I appreciate your optimism," Max said. "But I don't think we're quite there yet."

"Sounds like you guys have it all planned out," I said.

They both looked at me. "What about you, dude? Any plans for the lady?"

I shrugged. Nikki hadn't said a word about it. Neither had I. "Nothing planned. I'll see if she wants to do anything later. I don't like making a big deal about it."

"It ain't about you," Max said. "Sure, we all say we hate the commercial bullshit. But you know, some women have expectations, even if they don't tell you. If you don't fulfill those expectations, you are going to get in all sorts of trouble. And righteously so."

"Chill, Max," Drew said. "For all we know, she feels the same way."

"Yeah, whatever," he said. "We all know Nikki. Oh, wait, we don't know shit about her because she doesn't talk to us."

"That's not entirely true," I said.

Max snorted. "We haven't said three sentences to each other all trimester. How about you, Drew?"

"Maybe four."

"See? She doesn't like us, man. She likes you and she tolerates us, but she doesn't like us."

"Sorry," I said. "I don't know what to say about that."

"Don't take it too hard," he said. "I mean, we're still friends and all, and it's not like she's actively trying to stop you from hanging out with us, right? As long as you're happy being with her, it's all good."

"But if she starts being bitchy about it, you should cut that off in a hurry," Drew said. "Because making you pick between your friends and your girlfriend is a big flashing red sign of the crazy, and you don't want to keep sticking it in that, I tell you what."

"She hasn't tried anything like that," I said. Not yet, at least, a voice in the back of my head said.

"Good deal," Drew said. "Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going to get freshened up and head out." He pulled a suit out of his closet and headed into the bathroom.

"I'm jealous of him," Max said.

"Because he has the most stable and reasonable relationship out of the three of us?"

"No, because he looks damn good in a suit. The dude is ripped. You're not bad, Kev, but me? I'm just lanky and all limbs. Nothing fits me right. Suits just hang off me. I feel like I'm wearing a tent."

I had to laugh. "Just get one tailored. You can afford it."

"Sure, but even then I feel shitty. I have a few tailored suits back home for family social bullshit, but come on, I always feel fake. It's just not my thing."

"You are dressing up tonight though, right?" I asked.

"Maybe."

"Shirt and tie," I said. "Just do it. Trust me on this."

"You think I can pull that off with jeans?"

"Probably not. Put in the effort for her. She's worth it."

He squinted at me. "Not to be a dick, but you don't have a thing for her, do you?"

The question took me aback. She was attractive, definitely, and she was a lot of fun to be around. That being said, we didn't exactly click. The more I thought about it, the stranger it got. Both Jess and Star were aggressive redheads with direct personalities. I wasn't attracted to Jess and she wasn't attracted to me. I had been attracted to Star, and she had definitely been attracted to me. "No, I don't. I like her, but not that way."

"You took a moment to think about that. Are you planning to steal my girl, Kev? Greedy bastard." He grinned at me, then turned to his closet. "Shirt and tie. Sure. I can do that for a few hours. Maybe."

"Then you can invite her to take it off," I said. "The tie, I mean. Maybe the shirt if you're lucky."

"I'm never that lucky."

"Another thing I'd recommend," I said. "Bring mints. And don't bring cigarettes."

He looked over his shoulder at me. "You think I don't know that?"

"I think you're addicted and it's going to be harder on you than you want me to think."

"That's fucking convoluted." He looked back into the closet and pulled out some clothes. "But yeah. I know. Believe me, I know. That's about the only way I'm going to get anything more than a half-assed kiss from her."

"I know what I'm talking about," I said.

"At some point, we're going to need to talk about other things," he said. "Between you, me, and Andreas, maybe we can figure something out."

I nodded. "Let me know."

Drew came out of the bathroom, dressed up and smelling of not-so-cheap cologne. I wished him luck as he headed out on his adventure, then the same to Max after his quick shower. Once they were both gone, I flopped into my chair and decided to do nothing of consequence for a while. I hadn't talked to Nikki about tonight, nor did I intend to. She had stung me too hard last year and I had done something awful to her. Our anti-Valentine's Day party had resulted in my getting close to Nikki, who belatedly told me she had a boyfriend. I felt led on. My reaction was nearly fatal. A psionically-assisted push. Massive trauma. Blood everywhere.

I pushed the graphic memory away, but something in the back of my mind still nagged at me. Absynthe had said there could be cognitive damage from the injury. I frowned and flicked telekinetic force to the door to lock it in case anyone decided to barge in, then reached out for Absynthe's presence. It took a moment to settle my power and find her, but she answered quickly. Her realm was more red and less black today, but she was wearing all black. "Yes, Kevin?" she asked.

"Sorry about disturbing you today," I said.

"I don't have any dates lined up, so you're off the hook." She gave me a half-smile. "Unless you're planning on asking me, in which case, I'll have to graciously decline. Regulations strictly forbid relationships between mentors and their students."

"I'm not really interested in any sort of date tonight," I said. She raised an eyebrow at me. "Too many bad memories from last year."

"Ah. The accident." Her tone turned slightly frosty. "It's good you remember that. You've grown in terms of control, but I suspect your temper is still dangerous."

"I have a question regarding what happened. You said that there was possible brain damage for Nikki."

Absynthe's eyes narrowed and the red decor faded. "I did say that."

"Was there?"

She sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to her. "I will hold you to secrecy on this. Understand? Not a word to her."

I sat down and nodded. "Not a word."

Absynthe's eyes were dark enough normally, but as she looked at me, they seemed infinitely deep. "There was damage," she said quietly. "Nothing immediately noticeable. We found it months later. There was a small aneurysm building in her head. We didn't find it in time."

"She had a stroke?" I asked.

"Not exactly," she said. "There is a limit to what biokinesis can do. We can regenerate fingers and hands, we can dismantle a cancer from within, but we cannot bring dead brain cells back to life. We caught the bleed before there was severe trauma, but between that and the original injuries, she...changed."

"Changed." I turned that word over in my mind. It made sense. When I first met her, she was much more cheerful and outgoing. On Valentine's Day last year, she had been friendly toward everyone. It was only afterwards that she had turned colder toward other people. The real changes had started after the trip to Washington. It explained a great many things. "Is that why she broke up with her boyfriend?"

Absynthe's eyes had been full of sadness, but at that question, she blinked. "Boyfriend?"

"You know, the boyfriend she had when she started here."

"What boyfriend?"

I felt my eyes go wide and my heart started pounding. "She told me. I told her I wanted to be more than friends. She told me she had a boyfriend. What the fuck?"

Absynthe immediately recoiled and her eyes glowed green. "I didn't-"

"No!" Psionic energy flooded my mind, forcing a gasp of pain from my lungs, and she held her hands up. "No. Don't make me forget that."

"I wasn't going to." Absynthe reached her hands out to me again. "Trust me?"

I looked at her. Her expression was full of sympathy. I let go of my power and she simply put her hands on my head, then pulled me closer into a gentle embrace. "Is it all a lie?" I whispered against her.

"It's not a lie," she whispered back.

"But it wasn't what she wanted before."

"But it is what she wants now."

"I took that decision away from her."

"Don't say that." Absynthe's arms tightened around me. "Yes, she changed. But, you don't know what she wanted before, and you don't know if things would have turned out differently. Don't assume it wasn't meant to be."

I shivered in her arms. "I wish I could apologize to her."

"It was an accident," she said. "Kevin, she'd forgive you, because she's happy now. You need to forgive yourself too."

I didn't want to forgive myself. I had changed her entire reality. "I know it was an accident, but this is something that's going to affect her for the rest of her life."

"As far as she's concerned, nothing has changed," Absynthe said. "We made sure to smooth things over for her."

I slowly sat up, breaking the embrace. Absynthe slid her hands down to hold mine. "You modified her memories?"

"Of course," Absynthe said. "We removed both traumas and inserted bridge memories to explain the gaps. Nothing outlandish, just enough to not be confusing. It's standard operating procedure for accidents of that nature. Trust me, we've dealt with worse. Try explaining the loss of a hand to someone, for example. We were lucky the regeneration was successful."

"Can a memory change be undone?" I asked.

Absynthe squeezed my hands. "Don't think about it."

"I wasn't, but in general."

"Yes and no. It gets complex. If it's a memory that they don't bring up much, sure, easy enough. If it's something they think about on and off, you can restore the original memory, but then they'll have two different memories of the same event. In many cases, they'll pick the memory they want to be the 'real' one. Sometimes you have to erase the false memory, in which case you leave them with what they might think is a false memory even though it's real. Which means you may have to insert additional memories to reinforce the truth."