The End of All Things Beautiful (13 page)

As we’re driving back, Benji’s phone rings and it dawns on me
that I don’t have his phone number.

“You know, I don’t even know your phone number,” I say, before
he answers it.

“And I don’t know yours,” he responds, holding up one finger as
he answer his phone. “Hey Alex,” he says and they talk for a few seconds before
he turns to me and asks, “Do you want to have dinner with Alex and Annie
tonight?”

“Sure,” I say, but even as I answer, I worry about the last
conversation I had with them. I overreacted; honestly, I acted like a fucking
bitch and a paranoid one at that. And after Benji admitted to me that he hadn’t
told them anything, I’m not sure how I’m going explain myself. All I know is
that I definitely owe them an apology.

He hangs up and hands me his phone with a smile on his face. “Your
number, please?” he says and it makes me giggle. He’s so fucking adorable. I
enter it and hand the phone back to him and only a second later does my phone
begin to vibrate in my bag.

I haven’t looked at it since I arrived and I still don’t give a
shit what’s waiting for me, but I pull it from my bag, ignoring all the missed
calls and text messages, I find Benji’s text waiting. “So we never lose each
other again”, it says, and it makes me smile.

I quickly add his number to my phone and turn my attention to
him.

“So,” I say, and he laughs, answering back by echoing my ‘so’. “Don’t
make fun of me,” I quip, and he reaches for my hand, but I pull it away
dramatically.

“I’d never,” he says, shooting me an innocent look.

“Benji, I need to apologize to Alex and Annie for the way I
reacted the last time I saw them,” I tell him, but it comes out rushed and
embarrassed.

“No worries, Campbell,” he says casually. “I get why you were
defensive. We have a secret that could ruin relationships and friendships, it
could ruin everything, but I told you before, I never told them.”

I often think about why I never told anyone and while the four
of us agreed it was a secret we would all keep, I figured one of us would’ve
come clean by now. But knowing that Benji hasn’t said anything and Tommy never
told his wife, it’s a safe bet to think that it’s still a secret. There were so
many times when I was struggling that I wanted to admit it to someone, anyone,
but the guilt over what we did always stopped me. How would I be perceived? I
was always sure that I couldn’t stand the judgment that would’ve come with my
admittance. And in the end, it never felt like it was mine to share. It was
never my secret alone.

“I know you didn’t and I’m sorry I reacted the way I did.”

Benji stops and looks over at me, like he wants to say something.
My hand now resting in his and he starts and stops several times before
eventually saying, “But I did tell them about you…and some of it wasn’t good.”

“I deserved it,” I say and he shakes his head.

“No, you didn’t, but I was angry and bitter and hurt at the time
and that was the way it all came across.” With a sad smile on his face, he
clutches my hand tightly. “I’m sorry, I said some horrible things about you and
the crazy thing was, Annie saw right through it all. She knew I still loved you
despite everything I said.”

Both of us have a million things we could be apologizing for,
but in the end, I’ve always loved him. It doesn’t matter that nine years have
passed, and it doesn’t matter what was said or what we did. What matters is
that we’ve found each other again.

“It’s okay, seriously,” I tell him. “I owe you an apology, too.”

“For what?” he asks, confused.

“For staying gone. For disappearing without telling you I was
leaving and for all the years we’ve missed together. I was being spiteful.” I
stop because I don’t want to tell him anymore. All of this is too painful, the
memories, the reminders of what we did, and what it did to us.

“It doesn’t matter what we did,” Benji says, but we both know
that’s not true. It might not matter what we did or said in terms of our
relationship, but what happened with the accident still matters and it’s a
topic we have yet to fully discuss. I feel like both of us are skirting around
the bigger issue here and we probably will because we know the severity of it
all and what it could possibly do to our already unstable lives.

Our conversation falls silent and it’s like we both know that
delving too deeply will bring to the surface all the things we keep hidden.
There’s a reason we spent nine years apart, but there’s also a reason we’ve
found each other again.

An hour later and we’re pulling into Alex and Annie’s driveway
and my hands begin to shake. I’m nervous as hell to see them again. Clearly
they’re very important to Benji, they’re like his family and the last thing I
want to do is embarrass him or have them not like me.

I begin to chew my lip, stressing about how I’m going to
apologize without coming across like a paranoid asshat. Normally this shit
wouldn’t bother me; given my job I’m pretty much hated by everyone I come in
contact with and I usually let it roll off my back. Sometimes I actually find
it gratifying to know these assholes I do business with hate me. It keeps me
emotionally detached from it all.

But in this case, that’s the last thing I want.

Suddenly Benji is standing at the door to the truck, laughing at
me and I flip him off, a crabby look on my face, as he asks, “You gonna stay in
here the whole night? You’ll freeze your ass off.”

“No.”

He opens the door, his hand held out for me to take and as I do,
he pulls me close; kissing me so hard it takes my breath away. His beard rubs
along my cheek as his mouth finds my ear and a shiver runs up my spine. It has
nothing to do with the cold air. Just being this close to him is all I need and
everything around me disappears. He becomes all I can see.

“Stop,” he whispers in my ear, his voice deep and sexy as hell. “As
beautiful as you are when you’re nervous, you’re hot as fuck when you’re being
indignant.” His hand is pressed against my lower back as he pulls us closer
together. I’m breathless and ready to get back in the truck so we can go home
together, right now.

He’s kissing and nibbling at my neck now and while I’d normally
be freezing standing in the snow, right now, I feel like I’m on fire.

“Your friends are waiting,” I murmur, my voice failing to convey
my message. It’s obvious that both of us wish we were doing something else at
the moment.

“Fuck them,” he says, and it makes me laugh out loud.

I push him away slightly, taking his hand; I tug him toward the
house as he grumbles and pouts behind me.

Annie greets us at the door with a huge smile on her face and as
we step in she hugs Benji and then me. I have a hard time with intimacy of any
kind, especially with people I don’t know well. I’ve been so closed off for
years that it catches me off guard and I stand awkwardly as she wraps her arms
around me. It takes me a second to realize what’s happening before I respond
and I try to return her hug without it seeming strange.

“Nice,” Benji whispers, laughing, after Annie pulls away and
walks into the kitchen.

“Piss off,” I snap back. “I know I’m awkward. She caught me off
guard.”

“It gets easier,” he says, smiling sympathetically as if he
understands. “I’m just giving you shit.”

We follow Annie into the kitchen and find Alex at the stove
cooking, and it smells delicious. Without asking, Benji walks to the
refrigerator and takes out two beers, handing one to me and then asking if Alex
needs help with anything.

Their entire dynamic is so normal and natural, and it makes me
crave what they have. It also makes me remember what Benji and I once had with
our small group of friends and that dull ache in my chest returns. Can I let
these people in the way Benji has? Can I be happy again? I want it, but I fear
it, all at the same time.

I take a quick drink before clearing my throat and saying, “Hey
Annie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry about the other day at the bar. You too, Alex,” I add,
looking past Annie as Alex turns to look at me. “I was rude and I shouldn’t
have been.”

“No worries,” Annie says, brushing me off, but giving me a kind
smile.

“I get it,” Alex adds. “You knew Ben told us about you, but don’t
worry, we won’t hold it against you. We know Ben can be a dick sometimes.”

I laugh and Annie smacks Alex on his shoulder as she rolls her
eyes.

“He’s terrible,” she says.

The four of us take a seat at the table, eating and talking. The
night goes by quickly with Alex and Benji telling stories from when they lived
in Sydney. It turns out Alex and Annie met in high school, but broke up when he
left for Sydney. He was miserable and after meeting Benji while looking for a
roommate, they spent most of their time drunk and miserable together. Benji
pining after me or hating me, depending on the day, and Alex whining about
missing Annie. Although the two of them tell it a little differently, I believe
Annie’s version.

“They were a mess,” she says, looking at me. “I’d call and Alex
would tell me he was coming home and that he loved me. It was pretty pathetic.”

“It sounds sweet,” I say and she laughs.

“It was, actually.”

“So how’d you two end up back together?” I ask and Annie looks at
Benji first and then to Alex.

“Well, they got arrested and I had to bail them out.”

“You’re fucking kidding me?” I say, looking at Benji and he
nonchalantly shrugs his shoulders like it’s an every day occurrence that
someone’s ex-girlfriend bails him out of jail.

“Nope. Everyone loves a phone call at six a.m. from an
Australian police station asking if you can wire money to bail your
ex-boyfriend and his friend out of jail.”

“What did you do?” I ask, appalled. And while I’m sure this
story has some humorous qualities to it, I can tell by the look on Benji’s
face, the whole thing makes him uncomfortable. Our past isn’t exactly normal
and since it’s all a secret, I’m sure he’s struggling with the memories of what
happened with the accident and being questioned by the police.

“We broke into someone’s house,” he says, mortified. “But that
wasn’t really what happened.” I give him a questioning look and Alex begins to
fill in the missing details.

“We had just moved and neither of us could remember where we
lived…”

Benji cuts Alex short and adds, “We were drunk,” like it wasn’t
obvious. I know Benji would never knowingly break into someone’s house.
Although he did pull a shotgun on me.

“Yeah,” Alex says, and continues. “All the buildings looked the
same and then neither of us could find our keys, so we picked a door and hoped
it was ours.”

“It wasn’t,” Benji says, glaring at Alex, like this is somehow
his fault. “And the rest you can figure out on your own,” he adds sharply.

“That’s pretty horrible,” I say, my hand stroking the back of
Benji’s neck and I watch him relax at my touch. I love that I have that effect
on him. It’s the same thing his touch does to me, comforting, calming.

The night comes to an end and I’ve had a great time getting to
know Alex and Annie and laughing with them. We’ve all had a lot to drink and I’m
definitely feeling the effects as Benji and I make our way to the front door.

We thank them both and wish them good night as we step outside
into the cold air. I’m giggling as Benji pulls me into his arms the moment the
door closes. He can’t keep his hands off me and when he presses his mouth to
mine, I respond immediately, parting my lips and letting his tongue slip
inside. The combination of the cold air and his warm mouth makes me dizzy and I
hold onto him tightly. It’s an amazing feeling being this close to him. I love
everything about it.

“I’m drunk,” he mumbles into my neck, and I laugh again.

“Me, too.”

“I think we should walk back,” he says, and his words stop me.
His hand is in mine as he gives my arm a little pull. “Come on, Campbell.” But
I don’t move. I feel my heart begin to race in my chest as I relive the moment
we climbed into Sam’s car feeling this way, drunk and giddy.

He looks back at me, realizing I’m not moving. He shakes his
head and steps closer until he’s directly in front of me. “No,” he says, and
shakes his head again. “Don’t overthink this, Campbell. It’s not the same thing.”

He’s right. It’s not. We’ve learned from our mistakes. No one is
going to die tonight. I won’t let the horribleness of the accident ruin this
otherwise perfect evening. It won’t take control of my life again. It won’t
drive us apart.

With my hand still in his, I’m the one who pulls him along this
time, as we start to make the snowy trek back to his house.

It’s cold and our breath is coming out in short, ragged bursts
of white air as we both trudge through the snow. As if Benji can sense it’s all
still weighing on my mind, both of us quiet, he stops a few feet shy of the
house. His breathing hard and labored from the cold and the long walk, he looks
at me and smiles before scooping up a pile of snow and throws it at me.