The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (57 page)

The Episcopal Church is probably the most prominent of the mainstream Protestant denominations struggling with the issues surrounding gay marriage. Although it is possibly developing an official rite for gay marriage, currently some Episcopalian bishops allow clergy to participate in same-sex unions, while others continue to forbid it.

Presbyterians from the More Light congregation perform Holy Unions, which they see as a blessing of an already existing commitment.

There are seldom weddings of any sort in Buddhist temples or shrines in America, since there is no prescribed Buddhist wedding ceremony. A Buddhist priest may be asked to bless a union, in which case the ceremony is written to the couple's specifications. The people who are marrying are also marrying all of those present. These folks are known as the
sangha,
or community, who commit their full support to the marriage. The ceremony stresses love and deep compassion for self, others, and all sentient beings, and makes the point that marriage takes time to ripen.

As in many other religions, there are both conservative and liberal views about same-sex marriage in Hinduism. Although most Hindu priests
oppose the concept of a Hindu-sanctified gay marriage, some argue that love is the result of attachments from previous births and that marriage is a union of spirit, transcendental to gender.

You may also be interested in knowing about two “renegade” religious organizations of lesbian and gays that have broken off from the mother churches while still maintaining the essence of the religion:

The Roman Catholic Church reserves the sacrament of marriage for a man and woman. While the church now says that it's okay to be gay or lesbian, it also says that it's not okay to live that way.
Dignity USA
is a nationwide organization for lesbian and gay Catholics, with one of its goals being to pursue consensus in order to someday reunite with the Catholic Church. Father James Mallon of Dignity confirms that priests will perform blessings of commitment or blessings of love, but these ceremonies are not sacraments and are not meant to be the equivalent of marriage. If you wish to declare vows during a service, you will not be pronounced life mates, helpmates, partners, or anything else by the priest.

Gay and lesbian Mormons, turned away from their own ministries, have formed the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The traditional Mormon marriage ceremony is called a “temple sealing”; in the Restoration Church, marriages are performed by priests (both male and female), but only in members' homes as there is not yet an actual temple.

We have heard of couples asking clergy to officiate at their ceremony knowing full well that their religious denomination does not sanction same-sex unions. This leads us to a whole new type of religious officiant that we call the “off-duty cleric”—a gay-friendly priest, minister, or rabbi who, unofficially and not connected with her or his congregation (but ostensibly connected with God), will bless your union. Usually these people have a personal relationship to the couple.

There is yet another option, and that is to go with members of the “alternative clergy,” who may or may not have their own congregations and, in fact, may work out of their homes and hearts. One example is the clergy of the Universal Life Church, a mail-order or online ministry that pretty much leaves beliefs up to the individual clergyperson. Don't be put off by the word
mail-order;
these are often deeply religious people who become ministers because of their profound spiritual feelings. You can find them with a Google search, the yellow pages (gay and otherwise), and, as ever, by word of mouth.

A lot of couples feel that their wedding is the perfect time to integrate rituals from different cultures, culling elements from Western and Eastern traditions, folklore, and a variety of religions, ethnic backgrounds, and spiritual outlooks. We're just skimming the surface with this sampling of what some of them have done.

Tying the knot
did not start out being an abstract term; the lover's knot, or handfast, that binds two hands together represents an indissoluble union,
and the tying of a knot is still practiced in various ways by different peoples as a symbol of love, affection, faith, friendship, and duty. Handfasting once symbolized betrothal, and later came to mean “marriage.”

For the Wiccan (pagans who follow religious traditions from pre-Christian Europe), handfasting originally involved a spell that two people cast on each other. In the ritual, the couple is joined together hand in hand, using a colored ribbon. But care must be taken how the ribbon is tied, because after the ceremony it must be removed without untying it, as its untying would constitute divorce.

In the Russian and Greek Orthodox religions, a wedding ceremony closes with the couple, hands bound together, being led around a ceremonial table three times while the congregation, singing, asks God to “grant them many years.”

Some cultures such as the Portuguese drape a stole over the couple's hands as a symbol of union.

Jumping the broom is an honored tradition in the African American community. This ancient custom once involved jumping over a branch or tree trunk; later, the branch was replaced by a broom. First, a circle is swept clean with the ritual broom, which is then laid out before the couple as they state their vows. Then, holding hands, they jump over the broom toward the east, the direction of beginnings.

Water rituals symbolize purification. You can use plain old tap water, but we've heard of using rose water, and one couple had sea water from both the Atlantic and Pacific. Using water that is set at the altar, you can wash your hands to cleanse yourselves of past commitments and affiliations, pour hot and cold water over the rings as a blessing of them, or rinse each others' faces.

One Native American tradition calls for everybody present to gather up something old that they want to let go of and throw it into a large communal fire. These things can be either tangible, like photos or old mementos, or symbolic, such as illness. You as a couple can burn any insecurities or jealousies. Also sacred in Native American cultures is “smudging the temple,” or walking around with smoking sweet-grass, sage, or cedar to cleanse the area.

Candles can symbolize many things—a divine light, the light of inspiration, and the flame of unconditional love. Candle-lighting ceremonies have become extremely popular, even mainstream. Often, partners hold lighted candles and use these to light a third candle together, symbolizing the combining of two into one. You can also pass out candles to all of the guests, to be lighted during the ceremony. (Be sure to check with church authorities about any fire regulations.)

Some couples use food in their ceremony as a symbol of spiritual and emotional nourishment, as well as an act of sharing. Foods can signify various things: bread is a symbol of life; fruits and vegetables suggest the harvest and a time for renewed hope and fresh beginnings.

In the Wiccan tradition, the couple prepare a tray of various foods: something green, some roots, some stems, some leaves, some flowers, and fruits. (Don't panic; these can be as harmless as carrots, celery, cauliflower, dates, almonds, and oranges.) Then they feed each other, saying, “May you never hunger.”

Many religions practice “the sharing of the cup,” where the couple drink something (often wine) from the same cup, symbolizing commitment to share all that the future may bring. The cup itself can have a significance that will enhance the ritual; you can drink from a Navajo wedding vase, which has two spouts; from a special goblet; or from a
kikombe,
a unity cup from the African tradition.

MAZEL TOV!

The Jewish tradition of drinking blessed wine from a glass, then wrapping the glass in a napkin and breaking it, has a multitude of interpretations. We found that many lesbian and gay couples, Jewish and non-Jewish alike, incorporated this ritual into their ceremonies.

We have chosen a joyous, metaphysical theme. The idea is that this glass represents a vessel of God's light. By breaking it, we allow this light to enter our lives and yours to provide greater understanding and foster divine love.

—
BRIAN AND DAVID

To us, the breaking of the glass is a statement: “For anyone who wants to come between us and our love, you must first put the glass together.”

—
LUANA AND YAEL

We broke two glasses while holding hands, to symbolize that we were going forward together.

—
FRAN AND SANDY

Before our ceremony actually began, Nancy and I stood outside while our guests watched a slide show. It was a chronicle of our lives, showing us as kids, at high school proms with
our boyfriends, all the way up to the two of us as a couple. I know it sounds strange, but it was the perfect thing to do. We live in a small town and the guests who were there were very diverse—everyone from childhood friends to local merchants to friends from the lesbian community—and the slide show kind of broke the ice. Then the ceremony itself was really funny and sentimental and unique, so by the time the eating and the touching and the dancing was taking place, everyone had leapt through the barrier of “isn't this a little strange?”

—
MICHELE

It doesn't matter if your approach to your wedding is New Testament or New Age; writing your own ceremony or choosing it from existing ones can be the most rewarding process you go through in getting married. Your ceremony is being held so that you can tell the world, or your world anyway, about what your love means to you and where you want it to take you. So what do you want to say about your relationship in this public forum? And since a wedding ceremony is like a blueprint for your relationship, what are your hopes for the two of you? And because your wedding can also be a teachable moment, what do you want people to learn?

You can use any existing ceremony in its entirety, add personal touches, or combine selections from several different services. This is a team effort; the two of you must combine your visions for the ceremony. In this chapter we have included a variety of things you can do and say, but don't let this be your definitive list. Brainstorm, gathering material from a wide range of sources; then photocopy your favorites, go through the copies, highlight anything that grabs you, and add to it. Think of it as ordering from a Chinese restaurant—you know, one from column A, one from column B.

Let's deconstruct your basic wedding ceremony and take it from there. We've seen it broken down into as many as a dozen parts, but for sanity's sake we'll simplify it a bit:

The introduction
includes anything before the ceremony that leads up to it: the processional (how you get there), a convocation (welcoming the gathering), an invocation (calling on God's presence), a remembrance of those not present, and any opening remarks that the officiant or anyone else wants to make.

The main body
of the ceremony is, well, just what it says. It may include songs, selected readings, the address by the officiant, a consecration, and prayers.

The vows
are the “I do's” or the “I will's” (also known as the “expression of intent”) as well as the “I, so-and-so, take you, so-and so…” They often include a personal sentiment, such as, “Ryan, I have always looked for someone like you without knowing it.” The vows can be read, recited from memory, or repeated a line at a time after the officiant.

The exchanging of the rings
is the principal symbolic gesture, but other rituals of this
nature may include the blessing of rings, the lighting of a unity candle, and a flower ceremony.