The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1) (2 page)

A COUPLE OF days passed
.
I spent time with the Gennerys. They wanted to involve me in the funeral planning, and I agreed to read something, but that was it. Talking about what type of casket to bury Lucas in or which hymns to play at the church was too much. Lucas was gone. I knew that, but I didn’t need a reminder every two seconds.

Carol and Peter understood. They gave me space, allowing me to hang out in Lucas’s bedroom. I felt close to him there. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or my stomach’s inability to digest food, but I could have sworn I felt him laying there beside me.

Maybe grief did mess with your head.

“Are you going over to Carol and Peter’s today?” Mom asked the second I entered the kitchen.

“I don’t know, why?”

A suspicious smile passed over her face when two hands tackled me from behind and swung me into the air.

“Because, baby sister, your brothers want to know if they can steal you away for the day?”

A shriek escaped my lips as I spun around and came face to face with my brother, Chase. “You’re here? You’re really here?”

He enveloped me in his arms and hugged me tight. “I’m here, Jeanie. We’re all here.” I became aware of two more bodies, and soon, I was sandwiched between my three older brothers.

“We’re so sorry, Jeanie.” My eldest brother, Colton, pressed a kiss to my head and stepped away to let Chase and Tanner take their turns.

“God, it’s so good to see your faces. This means … you guys, this means everything.” Emotion quivered in my voice, and I swiped away the tears lacing my eyes.

My three brothers stepped back, giving me room, and Tanner said, “Lucas was the best, so we wanted to come and pay our respects.”

“Thank you,” I mouthed to each of them.

“I wish it were under different circumstances, but you don’t know how happy this Mamma Bear is to have her cubs home.”

Tanner laughed. “Seriously, Mom. We’re men. Grown men. And Jeanie isn’t a child. You can’t call us cubs anymore.”

“Tanner Newton Austin, you might be twenty-six years old, but you will always be my baby. Got it?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

He and Mom started setting out breakfast for everyone while Colton went in search of Dad. Chase lingered behind, wrapping an arm around me. I leaned into him instinctively, soaking up the familiarity. “Thanks for coming, Chase. I know it couldn’t have been easy to get away.”

“Stop,” he said. “We might have all flown the nest, but we’re Austins. And Austins stick together. Never forget that, Mils.”

“Mils? What happened to Jeanie?” It was the nickname my brothers had called me since I could remember.

“I’m trying it on for size. Jeanie is so … last year.” He wiggled his eyebrows, and I laughed, the sound unfamiliar. But it felt good to be here with them—my brothers, my family. It didn’t often happen anymore, not since we all left home. Chase, the youngest of my brothers, was the drama queen of the family. It came as no surprise the day he announced he was leaving for Los Angeles.

“I don’t care what you call me. I’m just glad you’re all here.”

We joined Tanner and Mom at the table, and soon, Dad and Colton filed in. Dad insisted on saying grace, but I didn’t care. Not today. Because this was my family.

And I needed them more than ever.

~

“So where are we going?” I leaned forward and glanced back and forth between Colton and Tanner.

“Quit it, Mils. It’s a surprise,” Chase said.

“Mils?” my two eldest brothers said in unison as I slumped back next to Chase and watched the country roll by, pretending this was just a regular trip with my brothers.

“It’s just something I’m testing out.”

“And he said Hollywood wouldn’t change him.” Colton groaned to himself.

“Hey, I heard that.”

Turning to Chase, I said, “Cut it out, Chase. Just this once, can I be Mila? No nicknames, no jokes, just Mila, Chase, Tanner, and Colton and wherever the hell you’re taking me.”

“Sure thing, Mila.” He held up his hands and winked.

We hadn’t even been traveling for more than ten minutes when Colton pulled over and stopped his Ford pickup on the outskirts of town.

“Everyone out,” he said.

I climbed out and tilted my face skyward, letting the rays lick my face. Something about the sun gave me hope, and I imagined Lucas smiling down at me. I was doing that a lot lately—picturing his face, seeing him as I went about my day. Maybe it should have freaked me the hell out, but it didn’t. I wasn’t ready to let him go yet. Not totally.

“Know where we are yet?” Tanner’s voice perforated my bubble, and I followed his eye line across the fields.

“This is … you brought me to …” Too choked to finish, I hugged the brother standing nearest to me. Colton wrapped his arm around me and said, “We know how much the two of you loved this place.”

I followed my brothers down the footpath until the lake became visible, glistening in the sunlight like diamonds. When we reached the water’s edge, Tanner unrolled a large blanket and Chase set down a basket. “We brought supplies.”

“You guys. This is … wow.”

“Mom may have had a helping hand.”

I sat down, tucking my legs to one side of me. I hadn’t been down here in years, since before I left for Tulane, but it was one my favorite places to come with Lucas. We’d ride our bikes all the way out here and spend sticky summer days swimming in the water and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. More often than not, my brothers came along, and once or twice, Ryan even hung out with us. But it was irrevocably
our
place.

“God, I miss you,” I whispered, staring out across the lake. How was I supposed to watch them lower Lucas into the ground tomorrow? To say my final goodbye?

Tears welled in my eyes, but a voice said, “I’m starving. What did Mom pack?” Chase rustled beside me, and I smiled unable to remain unaffected by his chipper mood. I knew what my brothers were doing. This was a distraction. They were attempting to give me a little slice of normal at a time when everything had gone to shit.

“Sometimes, I think I came out wrong.” I batted his hand away and reached for the basket, pushing down my grief. “I should have come first to keep the three of you in check.”

“But then who would we look out for?” Tanner said.

“Face it, Mils. You’ll always be our baby sister. Ain’t no getting away from that,” Colton, the eldest of us, said.

“You had to go all dad on our asses, didn’t you?” Tanner nudged him playfully.

“Speaking of, where is my gorgeous niece?”

Something flashed over my brother’s face. “Mary Sue is watching her at the ranch. I didn’t know if it was the right place for a child.”

“It’s okay, Colt. You did the right thing. A funeral is no place for a child. But I’d like to come out and spend some time with you guys after … well, after it’s over.”

“Sure thing. You know Ami can’t wait to see her Aunt Mila.”

I served the picnic out on the blanket, relishing in doing something so normal and menial. The ache was still there, right where my heart beat, but being with my brothers eased the pain. And being in the one place that Lucas had loved just as much as I did made the sliver of peace I felt in his bedroom blossom into comfort.

Everything would be okay.

It
had
to be okay.

~

After spending the day out at the lake, reliving childhood memories and telling stories, Colton drove us home. As we passed the Gennery’s house, I spotted a lone figure sitting out on the porch. It wasn’t Carol, and it was too young to be Peter.

Ryan.

“Pull over,” I said.

“What the …?” Colton muttered swerving to the right to stop.

“I won’t be late.”

“Mila.” Chase’s hand landed on my arm as I reached for the door handle. “Are you sure about this? He’s not like Lucas.”

I snatched my arm away and snapped, “He just lost his brother, Chase. Show some goddamn respect.”

My brothers’ heads whipped round to me, and they stared at me slack-jawed.

“Mila.” Colton cleared his throat. “I don’t think Chase meant anything by it. We’re just worri-”

“For the love of God, Colton Matthew Austin, do not let the next words come out of your mouth. Ryan is Lucas’s brother. I’ll be home later.” I glared at my eldest brother daring him to challenge me again.

Defeated, he sighed and nodded. “Be safe. You know where we are if you need us.”

I climbed out of the car and made my way over to Ryan.

“I’m surprised they let you out of the car without a fight.” He didn’t look at me as I approached. Instead, his eyes remained fixated on nothing.

“I’m twenty-one, Ryan. They don’t get to boss me around anymore.”

“All grown up,” he murmured under his breath.

“Can I sit?”

“Sure.” He shuffled over, and I sat next to him, the extra weight causing the bench to swing. I shuffled back and tipped my head back, closing my eyes. “They took me out to the lake. Lucas loved that place.”

“Must be real nice to have three brothers who look out for you.”

“Ryan, I didn’t mean-”

“Sorry, that was uncalled for. It’s just, shit, Mila, he’s all I had.”

“You have your parents. They love you.”

“It’s not the same. Lucas understood me. I didn’t need to put on a fake show for him. And now, he’s gone. I didn’t even get to say goodbye, you know. I hadn’t been home in five months. Five fucking months and then he goes and leaves me.”

The pain in Ryan’s voice was almost too much to bear, and I reached across the swing to slide my hand into his. His body tensed, and for a second, I thought he was going to snatch it away, but then his fingers uncurled and entwined with my own.

We’d never been close—he was always just Lucas’s older brother—but it felt right to be sitting here with him. We had both lost the most important person in the world to us. That kind of thing bound two people together.

“I’m here, Ryan. You have me now.”

He didn’t reply. We sat there, in the same place I’d sat so many times with Lucas, in silence.

“I don’t know how I’m going to get through tomorrow,” he said after what felt like an eternity.

I shifted to look at him and pulled his hand onto my lap. “You just will. The first time is the hardest, remember? I tell myself that every morning, Ryan. It hurts, geez, it hurts so damn much, when I wake up and remember he’s gone, but I make a promise to him that I’ll get through the day.”

“You’re stronger than I am, Mila. You have your brothers and your parents. I don’t even have a room here anymore. They turned it into an office.”

That Ryan hadn’t always seen eye to eye with his parents was no secret. He was four years older than we were, the same age as Chase. By the time he was seventeen, Carol and Peter were struggling to rein in his behavior, and as soon as he turned eighteen, he left Radeno. Lucas had sulked for a month, but they kept in touch almost as much as we had.

“If you need somewhere to stay …” What was I saying? Ryan couldn’t stay at the house with us; my family wouldn’t understand.

“Thanks, but I have a place.”

I wanted to ask where. To make sure he was going to be okay. He was Lucas’s brother, after all—the closest thing I had to Lucas right now.

“Dad offered the couch, but I can’t stay in there. He’s in everything, Mila. The smell, the photos, even the goddamn plants in the window box. It’s all Lucas.”

I rubbed my thumb over the curve of his hand. “I know. I feel him everywhere.”

“How the fuck did this happen?” His voice rasped, and the permanent lump in my throat rose, stealing my voice.

I have no idea, Ryan.

No idea at all.

MUFFLED SOBS FILLED
the air, but I didn't cry. I was all cried out. I'd spent the night curled up in a ball, letting the pain of today—of saying goodbye—consume me.

But today, I would be strong.

For Lucas.

The priest's lips moved, but I heard nothing. Mom and Dad stood close behind me, and my brothers behind them. Ryan sat to my left, and then his parents and some of their extended family who had flown in from various places in and around Texas.

“And now, Mila Austin would like to say a few words.”

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes saying a silent prayer for the strength I needed to get through this. Unlike my parents, I wasn't a religious girl, but grief worked in mysterious ways, and I'd spoken to God a lot over the last few days. Of course, he couldn't answer my prayers now. He couldn't give Lucas back to me.

I broke out of the line and walked to the front of the gathering. Father McCaw smiled at me as I stepped up onto the platform and reached into the pocket of my black dress and pulled out a folded sheet of paper.

“When Mr. and Mrs. Gennery asked me if I would like to say something today, my first instinct was to refuse. Why on earth would I want to stand up here and try to put into words how much L-” The word stuck in my throat, and I swallowed hard. “Lucas will be missed? Funerals aren't for the person gone; they're for the ones left behind. But my best friend, one of the best people I ever knew, deserves more than that. I could stand here and tell you that Lucas was a kind soul. The kind of guy who would go above and beyond for anyone, he was good through and through. Or I could stand up here and tell you how Lucas wanted nothing more than to make his parents proud.”

My eyes flickered to where the Gennerys stood. “He loved you both so, so much. Or I could tell you all how Lucas Gennery was going somewhere. How one day, in the not-so-distant future, Lucas was going to start the adventure of his life.”

I stared out at the sea of black. Tear-stained faces, stricken with sadness, watched me. It was surreal, standing there, knowing that Lucas’s body was inside of the casket laying only feet away.

Lucas.

The realization hit me like a wrecking ball, and I doubled over, clutching the stand. Everything blurred as warm tears filled my eyes, and the throbbing in my head unsteadied me.

Lucas was dead.

Gone.

I gasped, my eyes locked on the casket. The paper in my hand fluttered to the ground as I turned and ran.

I’d almost stumbled off the platform, but I managed to right myself. I heard someone call out my name behind me, but I didn’t look back. The air whooshed past me as I sprinted down the hill behind the cemetery. The neatly trimmed grass surrounding the church began to change. It became wild and unkempt as it morphed into a meadow.

But I didn’t stop.

I didn’t look back.

I kept running until I could no longer breathe, and when I finally came to a standstill, I dropped to my knees, panting. My legs ached and my lungs burned, but it was better than feeling the pain of standing there.

How did this happen?

I’d been so calm and collected, so determined to be strong for the Gennerys. For myself.

For Lucas.

But the second I’d looked—really looked—at the casket, it was like hearing it for the first time again.

Lucas is gone. He’s dead, Mila
.

Six words had changed my world.

Ugly sobs ripped from me, from places I didn’t even know existed, and I cried out, “How could you do this to me, Lucas?”

Of course, he didn’t answer.

No one did.

For as long as I could remember, Lucas had been there. He’d been the other half of my whole. We’d started kindergarten together, been in the same grade at school, I was his date to the prom, and then we’d graduated from high school together. I’d shared every milestone in my life with him. It wasn’t until he received a full scholarship to Vanderbilt that our paths split. Part of me had hoped he would attend Tulane with me, but I wasn’t about to stand in the way of his dream of attending Vanderbilt. So for the last four years, we’d lived over five hundred miles apart, but distance didn’t get in the way of our friendship. We talked most days, even if it was just a text to see how the other was doing. My college friends hadn’t understood our closeness, especially when I told them he wasn’t my boyfriend. Even more so when I was reluctant to date other guys. Because he really wasn’t my boyfriend. We’d shared a few kisses here and there, and we’d drunkenly fumbled around after prom, but neither of us had ever declared our true feelings. It didn’t feel right, not when we were both leaving for college. So we’d made a pact. Four years at college … and then we would return to Radeno.

Together.

Except here I was.

Without him.

Why, Lucas? Why?

“Hey.”

My head whipped up, and Ryan stood in front of me with his hands jammed in his black dress pants pockets.

“Sucks, huh?”

I nodded, wiping the tears away from my eyes. “I thought I had it under control.”

“Creeps up on you like a snake.” Ryan dropped down next to me and kicked his legs out in front of him, leaning back on his elbows. The wild grass shielded us like a wall, and I was grateful for the seclusion. I didn't want anyone to see me this way.

“It was the casket. Seeing it there, knowing he was inside, was like a slap in the face. Oh God, Ryan. He's gone; he's really gone.” My voice cracked again, and a fresh wave of tears spilled out. Ryan sat up and hesitated before wrapping an arm around me and pulling me to his side. He didn't say anything, he didn't have to; he just held me.

~

I didn't know how long we sat there, but by the time either of us spoke, the sun had started to disappear on the horizon.

“My family will be worried.”

“They know I'm here with you. I told them I'd take care of you.”

I pulled out of Ryan's hold and looked up, questioning him. “You did?”

“Your brothers were about ready to send out a search party, but I had a feeling that was the last thing you wanted, so I offered to go look for you. I already texted Chase to let him know you're safe.”

He had? I didn't know when or how, but I didn't care. I needed this. And in a strange way, I needed Ryan.

Sure, everyone was sad about losing Lucas, but no one understood it the way we did.

“Thank you,” I whispered falling back to his side. His arm curled back around my side, and I closed my eyes.

“He would have wanted me to. You were the most important thing in his life, Mila.”

“I know.”

I did.

Even when he'd chosen to go to Vanderbilt over attending Tulane with me, I knew it didn't mean anything other than he wanted to get the best education he could. My grades weren't good enough to make the cut for the prestigious college, so it was never an option for me to attend there with him. And I would never have held him back. Lucas was gifted in a way that made him stand out.

“What the hell am I supposed to do without him?”

It was rhetorical, but Ryan answered anyway.

“You live, Mila. He wouldn’t want anything less,” he said.

“I’m not sure I know how.”

Ryan laughed softly. It wasn’t playful or mocking. It just was. “Sure, you do. You managed four years without him.”

And I thought about him every second of every day.

I didn’t say the words. Instead, I said, “But that was different. I knew I’d see him again. I’ll never see him again. He’s gone, Ryan, gone.”

His grip on me tightened, and I knew he felt it too. The finality of it. The realization of what today meant.

“I wasn’t even strong enough to stay for the service.”

“It doesn’t matter, Mila. None of that crap matters.”

It did matter, though. I’d let down the Gennerys. I’d let down Lucas. Another sob burst from me, and I turned into Ryan’s jacket to hide the sound.

“Hey, hey.” He pushed me back gently, holding me at arm’s length, and brushed my jaw with his fingers. “Don’t do that. Don’t feel guilty. Own your grief. Own it, Mila. He left us. He’s in a better place, and we have to figure out how to keep living. We have to …” Ryan’s eyes closed, and I knew he wasn’t convinced by his own words. “We have to.”

“How long are you in town for?”

He opened his eyes and shrugged. “I don’t know. Why?”

“You can’t leave, not yet. Promise you won’t leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

I settled back into his side. “Good, that’s good.”

~

When the sun had finally set, Ryan persuaded me to leave the meadow and head back home. I hadn’t wanted to, knowing what awaited me. He kept his arm around me as we walked through the quiet streets; his jacket balanced around my shoulders. It wasn’t cold out, but once the tears subsided, I hadn’t been able to stop shaking.

“Thank you,” I said as my house came into view.

“You don’t need to thank me.”

“Here.” I shrugged off his jacket and handed it to him. Ryan glanced over at my house and said, “We have company.”

Chase and Tanner were standing on the porch glaring in our direction. I gave them a slight wave and turned back to Ryan. “You’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

He was lying. It was written all over his face, but I nodded, too tired to press him tonight.

“I’ll see you, Ryan.”

Ryan nodded and stayed rigid as I crossed the road to my brothers. They looked like they were standing guard; it was ridiculous.

“Are you trying to give Mom a heart attack?” Chase was on me the second I reached the porch.

“Chase, back off,” Tanner said curtly still eyeing Ryan. I risked glancing back and watched as he jammed his hands into his pockets and started to walk away.

“We were worried, Jeanie.” Tanner extended his hand, and I took it letting him lead me into the house. I was so tired.

“Is that Mi-” Mom ran to me as I entered the house. “Mila Jean, I was so darn worried. Don’t you ever do that-”

“Mom, I think we should let Mila go up to bed. She’s exhausted. I’ll take her up and be down in a minute.”

Tanner guided me to the stairs. I didn’t look back but felt my family’s eyes. They had every right to be worried and even a little annoyed at me, but Tanner was right. I was exhausted. Not one single cell in my body didn’t feel spent.

“Come on, Jeanie.” My brother pushed my bedroom door open and hit the light switch.

“I’m fine, Tanner, I promise.”

“Don’t do that with me. You’re not fine.” He pulled back the comforter on my bed and motioned for me to sit. “And that’s okay. No one expects you to be okay. It’s going to take time, Jeanie. A bucket load of time. But you taking off like that, and him running to your rescue, worried us.”

“Tanner,” I ground out. I knew many people in our town had issues with Ryan, my brothers included, but he had been nothing but nice to me the last couple of days.

He understood what I felt. What I was going through.

“Now, now, I’m not trying to suggest anything, so don’t pull that face. I’m just saying we’re all here for you, Jeanie. We’re your family, your blood. You can come to us with anything. You hear me?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m tired, Tan.”

His eyes softened, and he smiled. “Sorry, I don’t mean to go all big brother on you. It’s just we know how hard this is for you. We’re all here, Mila Jean. All of us.”

Tanner left, and I stripped down to my underwear and slid underneath the covers, replaying his words in my head. I knew my family meant well. But they didn’t know.

They couldn’t.

No one could.

Except Ryan.