The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1) (7 page)

“He left, Mila. I’m so sorry. I want to believe my son can be better, but he runs when things get too much to handle. He always has.”

I nodded, opened the door, and stepped out onto the porch.

Lucas was gone.

Ryan had left me.

And my heart would probably never recover from being broken by not one, but two Gennery boys.

“AUNT MILA, AUNT Mila, come watch me.” My niece beckoned me from the yard, waving her hands back and forth like a crazy person.

“She’s so big.” I watched Ami perform another unsteady cartwheel and shouted, “Good one, Ami! You almost got it that time.”

Colton chuckled and handed me a soda. “She grew up overnight. I swear, one minute, she was a toddler, and the next, she was this mini-teenager into boys, makeup, and clothes.”

“Colton, she’s six. I think you’re safe for another few years.”

His eyebrows shot up, and he huffed. “Yeah, try telling my bank balance that. I let her go to the mall with Mary Sue a couple of weekends back … never, ever again. I’ve never seen so much pink.”

“I never liked pink.”

“You had three brothers and Lucas. Of course, you didn’t like pink.” My eldest brother winked, lines crinkling around his eyes. “Six.” He stared out at his daughter. “She’ll be eighteen soon enough. How the hell am I supposed to raise a teenage daughter?”

“Colton, look at her. She’s happy; that’s all that matters. You are doing a fine job. Mary Sue is around for the girl talks, and I’m here always. Trust me when I say you’ve got it covered.”

He scrubbed a hand over his jaw, something else filling his eyes. “Mary Sue is great, but it isn’t the same. Ami is resilient, tough; she hides it well.”

“Hides what?”

“The hole Sarah left. She says she can’t remember, but sometimes, I catch her gazing off into the distance, and I wonder if she’s thinking about her.”

I moved closer to him and looped my arm through this, squeezing gently. “Ami is doing just fine. She has all the love she needs. She has you and Mary Sue, her uncles, me, Mom and Dad. That girl has so much love in her life, she’ll never run short. Trust me.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

I could tell Colton wasn’t convinced, but it was only natural—he wanted the best for his daughter. His world. Ever since Ami’s mom, Sarah, had left them, he’d raised her alone. Mary Sue, Ami’s babysitter, helped a lot, but Colton worked long hours to give Ami everything she needed.

“Maybe if you didn’t work so damn hard, you might actually have time to meet someone.” I arched my eyebrow. “You’re not getting any younger.”

“Low blow, Jeanie. I don’t have time to date. Besides, I don’t want to bring someone into Ami’s life unless I know it’s permanent. Not after-”

“Aunt Ami, come out here. You can’t see from inside.”

“Go. She’s been waiting to get you all to herself.”

I reached up and pressed a kiss to my brother’s cheek before leaving him to join Ami outside.

“You’re getting so good at this, Ami,” I said as I approached her. “When did you get so tall?”

“Dad says it’s because I eat my vegetables.” Ami lined up her body and did another cartwheel. When she landed, she shook herself off, planted her hands on her hips, and said, “Can we go down to the horses now?”

“Sure, sweetheart. Let’s go.” I held my hand out, and she took it. “I forgot how big this place is.”

“That’s because you don’t come by enough.”

I laughed. I’d forgotten how matter-of-fact children could be. Especially ones as bright as Ami.

“I was at school, sweetheart, but I’m here now.”

Ami broke out in a skip, tugging me along with her. “Because your boyfriend, Lucas, died, right? Mary Sue said he’s in heaven now with the angels?”

“He is,” I said pushing down the pain. I couldn’t cry—not here, not now. Not in front of Ami.

“I hope I go to heaven when I die.”

“Oh, sweetheart, you don’t have to worry about any of that for a long time yet.”

“I know. I think I’ll live until I’m seventy-ten.”

I smiled down at my niece. Her innocence was comforting. I’d called Colton and asked to visit him and Ami the morning after Peter informed me Ryan was gone. That was two days ago, and I’d still hadn’t heard anything from him. Not that I expected to.

“I think I see Sherbert,” I said pointing at the horse off in the distance. Ami brought a hand to her head and concentrated. “That’s not Sherbert, silly, that’s Fizz.”

“My bad. My eyes don’t work as well as yours do.”

“Damn right, because mine are younger.”

“Ami! Who taught you to say that?”

“What?” She looked up at me confused. “Younger?”

“No, missy. The
other
thing.”

She shrugged. “Oh, Dad says it all the time.”

“Does he indeed,” I murmured to myself, filing away a reminder to have words with my brother about his language around Ami, who was already running toward the horse enclosure calling out to her four-legged friends.

~

“I don’t know how you do it.” Dropping into the chair, I sighed, stretching my arms above my head. “I think she broke me.”

Colton sat in the chair opposite, beer in hand, and smiled. “Yeah, she’s something else. We didn’t even finish her story tonight. I think she enjoyed her day with Aunt Mila.”

After feeding the horses, she’d insisted on showing me her secret hiding places around the ranch. That had led to a game of hide and seek, but mostly involved me chasing her from hidey hole to hidey hole.

“She’s a great distraction.”

I’d almost forgotten about everything out there in the fields playing with a six-year-old with endless energy. Of course, every time I stopped to catch my breath, reality crashed down around me. So that was how the day went. I played and chased and pretended to be a fairy with my niece while fighting off the memories that flooded my mind during the quiet moments.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Jeanie? You’ve been here two days now, and you haven’t said a damn word about him.”

“You”—I pointed at him—“need to stop cussing around Ami.”

“Jeanie, spill.”

“What is there to say, Colt? He left. I don’t know why people care so much. It’s what you all wanted, isn’t it?”

Colton shifted in his chair, his steely eyes watching me. “You know that isn’t true.”

“Isn’t it? You all warned me about Ryan. When I told Mom he’d gone, she didn’t even try to console me. She just said ‘it’s probably for the best, darling.’ So don’t sit there and pretend you aren’t gloating inside that he’s out of the picture.”

“Jeanie, that isn’t fair. We just care about you, and Ryan is so … so different from Lucas.”

I was going to strangle Tanner when I saw him. I hadn’t expected him to keep it a secret, but a little warning wouldn’t have gone amiss. I came to Colton’s to get away from everything. Not to have it shoved down my throat.

“Well, it doesn’t matter now. He’s gone, and I don’t expect I’ll be hearing from him again.” I dropped my head to avoid my brother’s heavy stare. “Mom was right about one thing, though. It’s time to figure out what I’m going to do with my life.”

“And how’s that working out?”

I shrugged, staring down at my hands resting in my lap. “I figure I’ll still go to Houston. I’d already started looking for jobs, and I have some savings to put down on an apartment.”

“Or you could stay here, in Radeno. It’s your home, after all.”

“What? And become your ranch hand?” I met Colton’s eyes now, a smile tugging at my lips.

“There are worse things in the world.”

“I need to do this, Colt. For me. For Lucas. It was our dream. I need to see if I have what it takes to do this on my own. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll come home, I promise.”

He nodded, but I saw the concern in his eyes. He didn’t think I was ready, and maybe I wasn’t. Maybe it was just a reaction to everything that had happened in the last few days. But deep down, I knew I couldn’t stay in Radeno. It harbored too many painful memories. Maybe, one day, I could be happy here, but that time wasn’t now.

“Lucas and I had a plan, and he’d want me to do this. With or without him.”

I just needed to do one thing before I left.

~

For the next week, I stayed with Colton and Ami. Mom didn’t like it, but Dad said he’d handle her. Truth be told, I enjoyed the space at the ranch. Colton worked during the day, and Ami was at school, so I spent my days searching for apartments and looking for jobs that would pay the bills. My degree in business administration gave me many desirable skills, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to throw myself into that kind of environment right away. Not after everything.

“Tanner’s here,” I called out to Colton, who was putting Ami to bed.

“Okay, be safe. See you later.”

I grabbed my bag off the counter and made my way out of the house. Tanner had insisted he drive me to and from town for my shift at The Lasso. He was worse than Colton, who had Mary Sue stopping by to check on me when he was working. I’d tried telling them that I was okay. You know, if okay equaled shutting off your emotions and going through the motions. At least, I was doing
something.
Once I had a firm plan in place—some interviews lined up and a list of suitable apartments—I intended to drive to Houston and stay in a motel for a few days. Everyone insisted there was no rush, but I no longer felt tethered to Radeno. It was as if when Ryan left, a part of me went with him. The only thing keeping me here was Lucas. But as soon as I had a plan for Houston, I would finally visit his grave and say goodbye.

Tanner’s face lit up as I hurried down the path to meet him. “I have good news.” His eyes danced.

“You do?”

“Now, don’t hate me, but Beth’s dad pulled some strings, and there’s a job at The Radisson in downtown Houston with your name on it.”

My hand froze over the belt buckle. “Wh-what?”

“I may have mentioned to Beth that you were looking for work in the city, and well, you know how she likes to fix things. Her dad knows the owner, put in a good word, and well, the job’s yours, if you want it.”

I flung my arms around Tanner and pulled him to me. “This is … this is the best news, Tanner. I was prepared to interview, but this would make things so much easier until I get on my feet. Thank you, thank you so much.”

“Hey.” He untangled himself from my grasp and leaned back. “Don’t thank me, thank Mr. Crosswell.”

“Thank you, Mr. Crosswell.” We both laughed, and I wiped a tear out of my eye. “If ever I needed a lucky break, it was now, Tanner.”

“Jeanie.” His eyes grew serious. “You don’t have to do this, you know. Life will wait a little bit longer until you’re ready.”

“No, it’s time to say goodbye.”

To Radeno.

To Lucas.

To my past.

“It’s time for me to start living.”

THE SUN STREAKED down through the trees, cloaking the cemetery. From my position at the gates of the church grounds, I could just make out the first couple of rows of headstones, bathed in light.

I hadn't moved yet. The weight of what I was about to do crushed me where I stood, sucking the air from my lungs.

I knew it was time, but it didn’t make it any easier.

Exactly a month to the day since Lucas's accident. I hadn't even realized until Tanner got to talking about Beth's birthday, but now, I couldn’t think about anything else.

One whole month.

Thirty-one days without him, without hearing his voice.

The groundskeeper had asked me twice if I needed any assistance, and I had simply smiled sadly at him and shook my head. He left me alone after that.

For the last three days, I'd put off coming here, making any excuse to fill my spare time. I'd watched Ami while Mary Sue was sick with the flu, helped Colton around the ranch, and I'd even helped Mom run errands in town.

But I couldn't put it off any longer.

Tomorrow, I left for Houston.

It was time.

~

I knelt down in front of the new marble headstone, squeezing my eyes shut as my fingers grazed the stone.

“Lucas.” His name came out a sigh, and my eyes fluttered open, landing on his name.

Lucas Gordon Gennery

October 18th, 1995

–

June 10th, 2016

Beloved son and brother, cherished friend.

We will miss you always

Carol had insisted I help them pick out the right eulogy, as if it mattered what the stone read. It could have simply read 'Lucas,' and it wouldn't have changed anything. People would still remember him as the kind, compassionate guy who had time for everyone. The guy who lit up a room with his infectious smile and bright blues eyes. Words carved into marble wouldn't change that.

“I miss you so much.” My voice cracked, pain squeezing my heart like a vise. “You were supposed to be here, Lucas. You and me, remember. Why, why did you have to get into your car that night?”

Ever since finding out about the accident, I'd tried not to think about it. About what it must have been like. Did his life flash before his eyes or had it all happened before Lucas had time to realize what had happened? But kneeling here, in front of his grave, it was hard not to imagine it. Imagine his last few breaths before he left this earth.

“Oh, Lucas.”

Silence settled around me. Shifting to one side, I tucked my legs underneath me. And read the words again.

Lucas Gennery ...

In senior year, just before I turned eighteen, Lucas had almost told me he loved me. I remembered it as clear as day. It was just a regular day at school. We'd walked home together as usual and, as we stopped in front of my house, I’d asked him if he was coming in. Lucas had said no, he couldn't. But before continuing into his house, he'd brushed some flyaway strands of hair out of my face, stared down at me, and said, “How am I ever going to leave you, Mila Jean Austin?”

“What are you talking about, Lucas?” I’d replied. His words weren’t what left me feeling winded; it was the way he stared at me as if he was looking right into my heart.

“I- I ...” It was as if the words were stuck. And there we stood, in the same spot we stood every day after school, and I felt it. Felt every word he wanted to say. But something made me reach out for his hand and say, “Four years then the rest of our lives, right?”

His relief was instant. I'd saved him from saying something that could have changed everything, and at the same time, now … now, a part of me wished he had.

I reached out and stroked the headstone again. “God, I wish I'd heard you say the words.”

But he hadn’t, and now, here we were. Lucas was gone, and I was … I didn’t know yet. Learning to live without my best friend would take time and patience. Ryan had eased some of that, but now, he was gone too.

Ryan.

“I came to tell you goodbye today, but there’s something else. Something you should know. I-” The words wouldn’t come. I placed my hands on the ground and inhaled deeply letting the fresh air fill my lungs. Lucas was gone, but he deserved the truth.

“Ryan and I-” Gosh, what were Ryan and me? I thought we were something real. Something more than just comfort in the darkness surrounding us. “I don't love him, I don't ... B- but I think I could. I never saw it when we were growing up; I just saw what everyone else saw. But Ryan's lost, Lucas, so lost. He's cold and distanced and closed off because he's scared. Of what, I'm not sure. I just thi-”

“He's scared of never being enough.”

At the sound of his voice, I sucked in a sharp breath and turned slowly to see Ryan standing a few feet away. A rainbow of emotions filled my chest at the sight of him.

Anger.

Relief.

Happiness.

Confusion.

I couldn’t hold on to any one feeling, but it didn’t matter. Ryan was here.

Standing in front of me.

He started walking forward, hands jammed in his pockets, eyes trained on me. “He's scared that if he lets someone in, they'll realize that they made a mistake, that he isn't the strong, fearless guy they think he is.”

Heart thumping against my chest, I rose to my feet, but I didn't go to him. I couldn't move. Just the sight of him paralyzed me to the spot.

“But most of all, he's terrified of losing the only girl he's ever wanted. The girl he shouldn't want.”

“Ryan, I-”

“No, Mila, you need to hear this. You
both
do.” His eyes flickered past me to Lucas’s grave. “I’ve felt inadequate my whole life. I was the eldest, sure, but as soon as you came along, I knew I could never compete. Mom was infatuated with you in a way I never remember her being with me. But I got it, I did, because you
were
special, Lucas. You were bright and funny and never stopped asking questions. You had a thirst for knowledge that people admired. And I envied you so much, but I never hated you. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. You know why? Because you were the only person in my life who never looked at me like I was a disappointment. When you followed me around and annoyed the shit out of me wanting to tag along, you made me feel like I could do anything. Maybe I could have. Maybe if I’d studied harder and tried to be more like you, I could have been that guy. But I think we both know that’s never who I really was.”

Ryan cleared his throat and pulled his eyes back to me. I could see he was seconds from losing it. “I’m the kind of guy who runs when shit gets hard, and I keep running. But I’m done running, Lucas. Because when I lost you, I realized something. Life is short—too damn short to worry about shit that doesn’t really matter. You always had faith in me; I just needed to see it.” His eyes burned into me, and it felt as if he was no longer talking to just Lucas.

“I want to be the guy you always believed I could be. The kind of guy who would make you proud to be my brother. The kind of guy who doesn’t run.”

My feet had carried me to Ryan before I realized what was happening. I reached out and brushed my fingers across his cheek. “He was proud, Ryan.”

Ryan gulped hard, and he covered my hand with his own. “I’m so sorry.”

I sank into his touch, and my eyes closed. “I thought you’d left me.”

“I came back.” Ryan’s forehead touched my own, and I felt it—this thing between us. It flowed through us, and I knew I hadn’t imagined it. We were tethered; whether through losing Lucas or something else entirely, we needed each other.

And it was real.

“You came back,” I whispered, gasping when Ryan’s mouth covered my own and started moving slowly.

Ryan had told me once that the first time was the hardest. That the first realization of Lucas being gone would be the hardest to deal with. In some ways, it felt like so long ago that losing Lucas was a part of me now, and I imagined that piece would never truly move on. But standing wrapped in Ryan’s arms, I realized something … That was okay.

I could keep Lucas alive in my heart,
and
I could love Ryan.

Lucas was my best friend, and I never wanted to forget him. But on the days when it all became too much, the dark days when I’d question the fairness of it all, they would be that much easier to bear with Ryan by my side.

Ryan could slowly piece my heart back together, but it didn’t mean he’d replace Lucas—or I’d forget him. I would carry him with me, always. He was a part of my history.

My past.

But Ryan was my future.