The Forest Ranger's Christmas (15 page)

“I can’t believe you actually drove here to Bridgeton,” she said as she slipped off her shoes and settled on a chair. She curled her legs beneath her, looking small and vulnerable.

The sharp pain of loss stabbed his heart. He couldn’t make everything up to Karen, but he could sure make a difference for Frank and Josie Rushton. “Serving you and Frank has become kind of cathartic for me. It’s a way to lessen my own grief.”

A silvery tear plummeted down her cheek and she shivered. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this. And I’m sorry you’re still grieving for Karen.”

He licked his bottom lip. “I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling guilty for her death.”

Josie tilted her head. “Why, Clint? From what you’ve told me, you did everything you could to help her.”

“I tried. I really did. But it wasn’t enough.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

No, he didn’t want to. But something about this moment had drawn them close together. The possibility of losing Frank had become too real for both of them.

He took a deep breath and let it go. “The first few months of our marriage, we were happy. Then we had the new baby and a promising future. Everything was going great, but Karen couldn’t see it. It’s as if she was two different people. Depression lived inside her. She was diagnosed with a serious case of bipolar disorder. Medication helped some, but she wouldn’t take it regularly. She slept all the time. I was working long hours, gone all the time. Don’t get me wrong. I know Karen adored Gracie. But postpartum depression complicated the problem. When I was called out on a wildfire, I thought Karen was getting better. She was getting up in the mornings, doing the laundry and cooking dinner. She became quieter, less complaining. I later learned that was a sign she’d pulled further inside of herself. I wasn’t there when she needed me the most. I guess that’s why I’m determined to be here for you. Because you need me.”

There, he’d said it. And he couldn’t help contrasting Josie with Karen. Both women had suffered from severe loneliness. Neither one had enjoyed a happy childhood. But where Karen had shut herself off from the world and wallowed in her own grief, Josie had pushed forward, serving others. She’d never given up hope or stopped trying. She’d refused to quit. In Clint’s view, that was a distinct difference.

“What happened when Karen died?” Josie asked.

He gave a scoffing laugh, unable to forget the last time he’d seen his wife alive. She’d been holding their infant daughter close to her chest and had given him a halfhearted smile and a kiss goodbye.

“I was called out on a wildfire in Montana. As I crossed the tarmac to get on the chopper, Karen held Gracie up and waved her little arms at me. Karen looked happy, if a bit pale and tired. I told her to get some rest. We were planning a trip to Yosemite once I returned.” He paused, the memories washing over him like a cold rain. “I was only gone one day when I received news that she’d taken our daughter over to the neighbor’s house, then went home and drowned her sorrows in a bottle of sleeping pills.”

Josie cringed. “Oh, Clint. I’m so very sorry.”

He clenched his eyes closed. Josie needed him to be strong right now. His old faded problems didn’t matter anymore. But oh, how he wished he could let them go.

“You’re a remarkable man to have survived that and be doing such a great job with Gracie,” she said.

“I haven’t made it, yet. I keep battling between compassion and anger toward Karen. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why she couldn’t cope. Why weren’t Gracie and I enough to make her happy? Why did she have to take her own life?”

Josie reached out and rested her hand on top of his. Her touch sent tingles of warmth shooting up his arm. “I don’t know all the answers, Clint. I do know depression is very real. As real as any other illness, like diabetes or cancer. Our modern medicine doesn’t know everything. Our minds and bodies are complicated machines. But you’ve taught me that God is the great equalizer. I think because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, all of us can receive forgiveness for our failings. And if you really believe that, then you should forgive Karen. You should forgive yourself, too. Let God be the judge. You don’t need to carry this burden anymore.”

He flashed her a smile. “For someone with fledgling faith, how’d you get to be so smart?”

She gave him a shy, sidelong glance. “You taught me.”

He reared back, surprised by that. He thought about what she’d said and realized that forgiving Karen was easy. After all, she’d been mentally ill when she’d died. Not in her rational mind. But forgiving himself was much harder. He wanted it so much, craving redemption like a starving man craved bread. “Sometimes I think I was trying to fix Karen. And when I couldn’t, it devastated me. It left me believing I’d failed her miserably.”

“No, you didn’t fail. I know you well enough to know you tried your hardest.”

Not hard enough. In retrospect, he thought perhaps that had been his attraction for Karen. He was the great protector, after all. His entire purpose was to make her whole again. But now, he knew only the Lord could do that for her. And for him.

Clint had a lot to think about.

“Does Gracie know about Gramps?” Josie asked.

“Yes. As soon as I know he’s all right, I’ve got to call her. I suspect the whole town knows about it by now and they’ll be waiting for news.”

She chuckled, seeming more at ease now that he was here. “She’s a sweet little girl. You’re lucky to have her.”

Thinking about his daughter made him laugh. “Yeah, I know it.”

“Maybe it was for the best that Edward and I broke up. He never wanted children.”

Clint looked at her closely. “And you do?”

She nodded. “I do. Yes. Maybe someday. But it’s not looking too promising at this point in my life. I’m getting older.”

“You still have time.”

She shrugged. “I hope so.”

“You’d make a great mother.”

“You think so?” A gentle smile curved her lips.

“Yes, if the way you treat Gracie is any indication.”

Josie hesitated for several moments, as if thinking this over. “Thanks for saying that, Clint. I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear that right now. But Gracie is so easy to love.”

“She certainly is.”

And so are you,
he thought to himself.

He couldn’t help thinking how much Josie had overcome. Frank had recently told him a lot about her unhappy life. Clint thought of his own happy memories from his youth and wished he could share them with Josie. But he feared getting close. She’d already gone through two fiancés and Clint didn’t want to be the third. Besides, the end of the holidays would come soon enough. And then Josie would return home. And that would be that.

Chapter Fifteen

“M
s. Rushton?”

Josie turned and saw a doctor standing in the doorway. He was wearing a white jacket and holding a clipboard, and had a stethoscope dangling around his neck. Both Josie and Clint popped out of their seats and hurried over to him.

Finally some news.

“I’m Jocelyn Rushton.” She clenched her hands, prepared for the worst. She took comfort from Clint’s silent support, highly aware of him resting one strong hand on her shoulder. She couldn’t believe he’d driven all the way to Bridgeton just to be with her during this difficult time. She fed off of his presence, feeling better.

“I’m Dr. Crockett, your grandfather’s doctor. Frank is all right. His EKG and blood enzymes tell us he suffered a mild heart attack. He’s resting comfortably now.” Dr. Crockett’s thin brows arched with his smile.

“Oh, thank the Lord.” Relief swept her body and she released her breath in one giant whoosh. She hadn’t been aware she’d been holding it in while she awaited the final verdict. Now, she had so much to be grateful for.

“He doesn’t appear to have any arterial blockages,” the doctor continued. “I want to keep him in telemetry to monitor him overnight. If all goes well, he can return home tomorrow afternoon. I know it’s difficult during the holiday season, but I would suggest that he lower the intake of fat and carbohydrates from his diet. I’m also concerned that he hasn’t been taking his heart medication.”

She tilted her head, conscious of Clint doing the same. Both of them were startled by this news. “What heart medication? I didn’t know he was supposed to be taking anything.”

“I prescribed a blood thinner for him almost two years ago. This might not have happened if he’d been taking it regularly.”

A sick feeling settled in Josie’s stomach. Maybe Gramps had stopped taking his medicine after Grandma died, because he couldn’t read the label. Josie wasn’t sure what his reasons were, but she intended to find out.

“That won’t be a problem anymore. I’ll ensure he takes it from now on,” she promised.

Dr. Crockett shifted the clipboard in his arms. “Good. I’m glad to hear it. I’ll write you out a new prescription. You might want to fill it here in Bridgeton before you return home to Camlin.”

“I’ll do that,” Josie said.

“You can both go in and see Frank now.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” She smiled, grateful for the Lord’s intervention today.

The doctor left them and Clint squeezed her arm. “You see? I told you everything would be fine.”

“Yes, you did.” She couldn’t help returning his smile.

“Do you mind if I come with you to visit the ol’ codger?”

She laughed, feeling giddy with relief. “Of course not. You and Gracie are like family, Clint. Come on.”

Together, they walked down the hall. After finding out which room Gramps was in, they went to see him in the ICU. A strand of holly and red berries had been strung along the top of the white curtain that partitioned his bed off from the rest of the room.

He was wearing a hospital robe, and most of his body was covered by several thin blankets. The upper portion of his chest lay open to view and was taped with a twelve-lead EKG heart monitor. His left arm rested by his side and had been hooked up to an IV. His eyes were closed, his face serene.

The moment Josie touched his hand, he turned his head and looked at her. “Hi, muffin.” His voice sounded raw and tired.

“Hi, Gramps.” She leaned down and kissed his whiskery cheek.

“How are you feeling, Frank?” Clint spoke beside her.

“Great, though I wouldn’t want to run any marathons today.” He showed a weak smile.

Clint and Josie laughed and she decided Gramps’s attempt at humor was a good sign.

“I think I’ll call home and tell everyone the good news. Gracie’s awfully worried about you,” Clint said.

Gramps blinked. “You tell her not to worry. I’m looking forward to reading with her again as soon as I get home. We’ve made it a contest, but she can still read faster than me.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll catch up soon enough.” Clint stepped out of the room, and Josie took that opportunity to speak privately with Gramps.

“Dr. Crockett said you haven’t been taking your heart medicine.”

Gramps looked away, his chest expanding as he drew a deep breath. “I can’t afford it, honey.”

Oh, no. Josie couldn’t believe she’d missed this detail. Suddenly she understood all the extra payments in his bill drawer when she’d brought his accounts current. She’d written the late notices off as a casualty of his illiteracy, but now realized it wasn’t that simple. Her grandfather had been in financial need and she hadn’t even been aware of it. For whatever reasons, he hadn’t felt that he could consult with her over his troubles.

And something else nibbled at the back of her mind.

“Is that why Grandma was watching Gracie while Clint was at work? To make some extra money on the side?”

He nodded, his gray eyes filled with affection. “But it was no bother. We loved having Gracie in our home. She reminded us of you when you were little, and she filled up our hearts with love.”

Josie could understand. It’s how she felt about the little girl, too. And she’d be reticent to let that go when she left town again.

“We can definitely afford your prescriptions, Gramps,” Josie insisted. “I wish you’d told me you needed money to pay for them.”

“I didn’t want to bother you, muffin. You’ve got your own life and concerns. You don’t need an old man hanging on you like a giant leech.”

“Gramps! Don’t say that. You’re no bother. You
are
my concern. I’m going to make sure you have everything you need. I’ve already contacted Carol Yerington. She’s going to come in and check on you every day and bring in your lunch and dinner, too. And Rachel Burdett is going to clean your house once a week. Don’t you worry about the expense. I’ve got it covered.”

Gramps gave an impatient gesture. “Oh, phooey. I don’t need all that nonsense.”

“Yes, you do, so don’t argue. You need to eat something besides soup, oatmeal, pastries and bacon. Please don’t fight me on this. It’s the concession I need from you if you’re going to stay in Camlin when I return to Las Vegas.” Careful of his IV and other lines, she hugged him to soften her rebuff. “I can’t lose you, Gramps. We need to keep you healthy. We’re a team. We can do this together. Okay?”

His eyes shimmered with gratitude. “You sound just like your grandma. And just now, you look like your momma, although you have your daddy’s eyes.”

Josie laughed, fighting back the tears. “That’s one of the greatest compliments anyone’s ever paid me. I so want to be like all of you.”

They hugged again and she wiped her eyes.

Clint returned and they talked a little while longer. Josie held Gramps’s hand and laughed when Clint described Gracie’s enthusiasm at finding out Frank was going to be okay. Thirty minutes later, Josie could see that he was tired and needed rest.

After saying good-night, Josie walked Clint out to the main lobby. Like a wind tunnel, drafts of icy air whipped past them each time someone walked through the dark outer doors. Josie shivered and Clint removed his coat and whisked it over her shoulders. The gentlemanly gesture pleased her enormously. His coat smelled of his clean, spicy scent and she took a deep inhalation.

“Thank you,” she said, and curled her arms within the warm folds.

“You sure you want to stay here all night? You won’t get much rest in the hospital waiting room.” He slid his hands into his pants pockets and hunched his shoulders, an indication that he was cold, but would sacrifice his own comfort for hers.

With a bit of reluctance, Josie relinquished his coat and handed it back to him. “I’m not budging. Not until I can take Gramps home.”

He took the coat, but didn’t put it on. He hesitated, as though he longed to stay here with her. And that meant everything to Josie. It was odd, but when she was with him, she felt strangely calm and settled. As if everything in her life made sense. Her fears and doubts faded away into perfect clarity of thought. It was as if they were old and dear friends, familiar and safe. But now he needed to leave. She didn’t want him driving home on slick roads in the dark.

“You better get going. Night is coming on and you’ll need to watch out for black ice.”

Lifting his hand, he brushed her cheek with his fingertips. “You take care of yourself.”

Currents of electricity shot through her. She squelched the desire to hug him.

“I will.” She gave him a warm smile and nudged his arm. “Go on, now. I’m fine. Really. And tell Gracie we’ll be home tomorrow night.”

“All right.” He turned and walked toward the doors. They slid open and he passed through to the damp sidewalk outside.

Josie crossed her arms and braced herself against the rush of freezing wind. She paused there for several moments, waiting. Before he got into his truck and pulled away, he looked back at her over his shoulder. She knew, because she watched to see if he would.

He lifted a hand in farewell, and she waved back. Once he drove out of the parking lot, she finally realized she hadn’t eaten all day. Though she had little appetite, she realized her body still needed nourishment.

Alone in the hospital cafeteria, she ate a light dinner of tomato bisque, chicken salad and a slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top. It sure wasn’t as good as Grandma’s recipe.

As she picked at her food, Josie mulled over what Gramps and Clint had each told her about their lives. They were remarkable men and she respected them both. When she went home to Las Vegas, she was going to miss them so very much. And Gracie, too. In fact, Josie didn’t know how she was going to stand it.

* * *

Three days passed before Clint saw Josie again. Three tortuous days during which he purposefully stayed away, even though he knew Frank was out of the hospital and back home again.

Instead of going over to visit, Clint called and spoke with Frank by phone. Gracie went over to visit, but Clint immersed himself in work. An excuse to stay away from Josie.

It didn’t help. On Christmas Eve, Clint thought about bowing out of the Christmas pageant, but knew they were depending on him. He had to go.

He drove Gracie to the church, arriving twenty minutes early. The pageant wouldn’t last long. Less than an hour, so that people could go home and enjoy the evening with their families.

As Clint pulled into the parking lot, he noticed Frank’s vehicle parked nearby. The doctor had agreed it would be okay for Frank to attend, but he was not to participate in the program, other than to sing the three wise men song with Clint and Tom.

As they walked to the inside foyer, Gracie held Clint’s hand. Once inside, she broke away, rushing off to find Josie, who had brought her angel dress. Clint anticipated seeing his daughter in the outfit for the first time. Yet he couldn’t get excited about the event. Not when he knew Josie was leaving in a few days.

Pasting a smile on his face, he retreated to the cultural hall. The choir members waved and chatted with him, but he couldn’t remember a word of their conversations. His mind felt fogged by confusion. All he could think about was Josie and how he must get through this evening without blurting out how much he loved her.

The long curtains had been pulled across the stage. People stood around visiting and choosing the best seats in the wide auditorium. In a small town like this, it didn’t matter what denomination you belonged to. Everyone flocked to the little redbrick church to enjoy the celebration of Christ’s birth.

Wearing his Sunday suit and a red tie, Clint scanned the audience until he picked out Frank and Tom, dressed much the same. For their performance later on, they would don long robes and headbands, and hold gifts meant to resemble gold, frankincense and myrrh.

He mingled with the members of his congregation on stage, waiting for the performance to begin. He saw Josie, but ducked away, avoiding her. Nervous energy thrummed through his veins, but not because of his performance. Josie stood nearby, her presence setting him on edge.

She looked up and caught his eye, giving him a wistful smile. Clint gave one sharp nod before jerking his head away. He had no idea how he’d get through Christmas dinner later on that evening, but he must. He’d have to smile and pretend he was having a wonderful evening celebrating the Savior’s birth, when all he wanted to do was cry. If it wouldn’t break Gracie’s heart, he would have canceled. Being with Josie simply prolonged the inevitable. Even if he could believe she’d never leave him, they couldn’t be together. Not in a long-distance relationship. It’d be painful to walk away, but he didn’t believe he had a choice.

The reverent hum of the choir sifted across the stage in the church auditorium. Clint stood at stage left with Tom. Frank sat on a cushioned chair between them.

When Gracie filed out with the rest of the children’s chorus, Clint stared in awe. Against the backdrop of the deep green curtain, her white satin dress glimmered in the pale lights. Josie had French braided the girl’s blond hair and coiled it on top of her head. Adoration gleamed in his daughter’s eyes. As she stood beside the makeshift manger Clint had helped the other men construct for this presentation, she sang hosannas to Christ the king.

She glanced his way, her eyes glimmering with happiness. She brushed a hand down her beautiful dress, as though seeking his approval. An emotion of pure love bubbled up inside of him and he nodded and mouthed the words,
You’re beautiful.

A flush colored her cheeks and her smile widened.

Lifting his head, Clint looked at Josie and found her watching him. She stood at the back of the raised platform with the rest of the choir members, almost hidden from view. He knew she didn’t feel confident about her singing voice, but she’d still joined the chorus. And knowing she’d taken the time to create such a perfect dress for his daughter touched his heart on a deeply personal level.

She smiled and nodded in encouragement as Gracie sang her lines. Between Josie and his daughter, Clint didn’t think he’d ever seen anything more wonderful in all his life.