The Forest Ranger's Christmas (16 page)

How he loved them. More than anything else in the world. He couldn’t fight it anymore. The feeling encompassed his heart, so powerful that it almost hurt. He loved Josie, even knowing he would soon lose her. It was Christmas Eve, and within a few short days, she’d be going home to Vegas. Leaving him and Gracie alone.

A hushed reverence settled over the congregation as the chorus deepened, then reached a crescendo. When Frank began to sing, Clint had to jar himself back to reality.

He was up next.

Frank’s deep bass voice carried throughout the hall, thrumming across the expanse of the room in a beautiful serenade of devotion. Clint sang his lines next, followed by Tom. Then the three men sang the melody together, their voices vibrating on the air in perfect harmony.

The words of the song anchored within Clint’s heart. His love for God almost overwhelmed him, yet he couldn’t seem to trust the Lord enough to let go of the past. When he thought of Karen, needles of grief pierced his heart. He longed to throw off the shackles of guilt, but didn’t know how. His doubts ran too deep to push aside.

Instead, he fought back his emotions as he lifted his voice in praise and adoration. Yet it was bittersweet. Clint’s joy for Christ’s birth and mission on earth mingled with his frustration at losing Josie. He thought about asking her to stay, but knew he couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair to her. She loved her job in Vegas and had few prospects here in Camlin.

Somehow from the ashes of his past, Clint must build a future for himself and Gracie. He needed to forgive himself for the past. It was time. Long overdue. And yet he couldn’t seem to let it go.

If he could make it through until Josie left town in three days, he’d be okay. But then he’d be without her. And that thought left him feeling numb and hollow inside. Empty and alone. Within his mind, Clint could reconcile no other outcome. He must let her go.

It was already too late. Because losing Josie was going to break his heart no matter what. And after tonight, he was determined never to see her again.

Chapter Sixteen

S
omething was wrong. Josie could feel it like a tangible thing.

Following the Christmas program at church, she and Gramps had headed home. Clint and Gracie followed in his truck, driving in tandem to Gramps’s place. Yellow, red and green lights twinkled on the house. When she opened the door to the kitchen, warmth spilled out, and the tantalizing aroma of prime rib made her stomach rumble. She’d already made the cranberry salad and set the table, adding an extra leaf to fill out Grandma’s lacy tablecloth.

Discarding her coat and gloves, Josie immediately set about laying out their meal. Clint and Gracie came inside, carrying a couple gifts.

“Make yourselves at home,” she called over her shoulder as she slid the yeasty rolls into the oven to warm.

Clint and Gracie disappeared into the living room with Gramps. Within minutes, Josie had pulled the meat and potatoes from the oven.

“Come and eat while it’s hot,” she called.

They sat down together and Gramps offered a blessing on the food. He gave thanks for the bounty they enjoyed, for the Savior’s birth, and for family.

They enjoyed a sumptuous feast, including homemade pumpkin and pecan pies with whipped cream. But Josie couldn’t taste a thing.

Frank and Gracie chattered away, recounting every moment of the Christmas pageant. The oohs and ahhs of the audience. The quiet reverence as Frank and Clint sang their parts in the wise men song.

“It was beautiful,” Josie said.

She’d never forget Clint’s rich, vibrant voice as he sang with Gramps. In those moments, a peaceful feeling had settled over her and she’d felt close to her Savior. She couldn’t explain it, but she knew God loved her. And she loved Him. But when she thought of leaving town, her throat jammed with emotion. She loved Clint and thought him the most amazing man she’d ever met. How could she leave and forget the integral part he and Gracie had come to play in her life?

“You definitely did a good job, Daddy.” Gracie leaned against her father as he sat at the table and wrapped his arm around her.

His smile was subdued. “So did you, honey.”

“I think we all did well tonight. Especially Josie, with this delicious feast. To Josie. My beautiful girl.” Frank held up his glass of Grandma’s fine crystal.

Clint and Gracie reached for their glasses to join the toast. A flush of satisfaction warmed Josie’s face. Clint took a sip of sparkling cider, but he didn’t meet her eyes. Ever since they’d confided so much to each other at the hospital, he hadn’t been the same. So reserved and withdrawn, so far away... It was as though she couldn’t reach him anymore.

Oh, why pretend she didn’t understand? No doubt he regretted confiding so much to her. They both needed to take a step back. As much as she’d like to stay here in Camlin, she couldn’t. She had to earn a living and help provide for Gramps. But lately, she’d started looking at her job differently. She thought of all the people she got to help every day. The consultations she had with numerous customers, some of them gravely ill. But each of them had lives of their own. They needed her help. And in distributing their medications, Josie was able to ease their plight, if only a little bit. To help them feel better. To make a difference.

No longer did she view herself as working behind the scenes. She
wasn’t
alone. She mingled with dozens of people every day of her life. She’d just never seen it before—the good work she could do for them. The caring and service.

But leaving Camlin wouldn’t be easy. Not now when she knew what she was giving up. In fact, it’d be the most difficult thing she’d ever done. And lately, she’d been praying for a miracle. A way for her to earn her livelihood as a pharmacist here in Camlin. And the greatest miracle of all...for Clint to love her, too.

Their meal ended all too soon. Gramps and Gracie retired to the living room. Gramps put on his old cassette of Christmas carols and the music sifted through the air.

Josie cleared a few perishables away from the table. Clint didn’t speak as he helped her, covering a couple dishes with plastic wrap before stowing them in the refrigerator. They were both somber and overly quiet.

As she turned toward the doorway, Josie almost tripped over the step stool. What was it doing here? Gramps must have been using it, and forgot to put it away.

Folding it up, she stowed it in the closet, then stood next to Clint in the doorway. Gramps sat in his recliner beside the Christmas tree, with Gracie in his lap. Wearing expectant grins, they gazed at Josie and Clint.

Josie angled her head in confusion.

“What are you two up to?” Clint asked.

Gramps pointed over their heads. In unison, they looked up. A sprig of mistletoe hung directly above, tied with red, curling ribbon.

“Now you have to kiss her, Daddy,” Gracie ordered with a laugh.

Clint stiffened and backed up, his eyes opening wide in surprise. Josie would have moved away, but the door frame jammed against her shoulder blade and she couldn’t get past without brushing against Clint’s broad chest.

Their gazes clashed, then locked. He dropped his arms to his sides, his lips slightly parted in shock. Currents of energy hummed between them. She could feel it rushing at her like a living being. Her heart gave a maddening thump, and her emotions churned inside her like curdled milk.

He took a step closer, lifting a hand to gently squeeze her upper arm. In this light, his eyes looked black as olives, and mesmerizing. He lowered his head, his warm breath whispering across her face. Her pulse kicked into triple time and a hungry longing slammed through her.

He kissed her, a quick, soft caress that ignited a yearning deep within Josie to hold on tight and never let him go. All rational thought evaporated from her mind.

Clint drew back, looking down into her eyes. Josie felt lost. Felt as though they were the only two people in the world. Then Gracie clapped her hands and Gramps gave a deep laugh of approval.

Clint jerked back as though he’d been scalded. Hot embarrassment singed Josie’s cheeks and she whirled away.

“Okay, you’ve had your fun,” she scolded Gramps and Gracie in a gentle tone.

Clint turned and sat in a chair on the opposite side of the room. Sensing he didn’t want to be near her, Josie took a seat on the edge of the sofa. Gramps reached down and plugged in the tree. White, green, red and gold Christmas lights twinkled. He picked up the Bible and flipped through the pages. With Gracie’s help, he read the nativity scene from the book of Luke. The story of Christ’s birth.

Listening to his tentative, halting voice as he recounted the story of the three wise men, Josie’s eyes misted with tears. She loved this story, but hearing it in her grandfather’s gruff voice had an extra special meaning this year. Gramps could read. His accomplishment almost overwhelmed her with joy and frustration. If a man his age could learn to read, then why couldn’t she figure out some way to work and live here in Camlin?

Gramps led them in singing several carols. Josie barely heard the words. She forced herself not to look at Clint. Her stomach churned with nervousness.

When they were finished, Gracie turned to Gramps. “Now?” she asked.

He nodded. “Yes, now.”

Gracie slid off Gramps’s lap. Josie expected the girl to lunge at her own gifts. Instead, she reached for a small wrapped parcel, which she handed to Josie.

“This is for you. I made it myself. Open it first.”

The child’s consideration touched Josie’s heart. She loved this girl and couldn’t help thinking how much she’d miss her and Clint once she left town in a few days.

Gazing down, Josie saw the sides of the wrapping paper were folded over haphazardly and sealed with gobs of tape. A crinkled bow perched on top, affixed with more clumps of tape. Josie laughed, having no doubt Gracie had wrapped it herself. Clint sat on the sofa and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He tilted his head to one side, twin creases furrowing his high forehead.

At Josie’s expectant look, he shrugged. “I have no idea what it is.”

He glanced at his daughter, his eyes filled with questions.

“It’s a surprise,” was all Gracie would say.

Filled with mystery, Josie pried an edge of paper free of the tape and ripped it open. Dropping the casing of gift wrap to the floor, she held a small blue dish with white speckles. The sides were slightly uneven, and indented with small finger marks. As if Gracie had molded the clay and created the dish herself.

A shallow gasp came from Clint, but when Josie looked his way, he sat motionless, his face completely blank and pale, his shoulders rigid. Something about his demeanor told her this wasn’t an ordinary dish. It was special, but she didn’t understand the significance. Or why Clint seemed upset.

Something was wrong here. Something Josie didn’t understand.

Gracie waited for her verdict. And she wasn’t about to disappoint the girl.

“It’s absolutely beautiful. I love it,” Josie said, meaning every word. No one had ever given her something like this. Something that was a part of them.

Gracie smiled with pleasure. “You can set it on your dresser and put your earrings in it. I made it myself. And every time you see it, you can think of me.”

Josie hugged the girl tightly. “I will. And I’ll treasure it all the more. Thank you. It’s wonderful.”

“Really? You like it?” Gracie looked up and smiled, her eyes shining with joy.

“Really. It’s the loveliest present I’ve ever received. And knowing you made it means even more to me.” And she realized it was true. If she had to choose between her savings account and this child’s gift, she thought she would choose the dish.

She’d choose Clint, too. What did her job matter if she couldn’t be with the man she loved? She’d been hurt before, but she had to tell Clint how she felt. That she loved him. That she wanted to take one more chance. If only he was willing to do the same.

“Come see what we got for you.” Gramps drew the child over to open the oodles of presents they’d wrapped for her.

Josie studied the dish more intently. The shiny ceramic finish felt smooth against her fingertips. She turned it over and read the childish writing on the bottom: “To Mom. Happy Mother’s Day. From Gracie.”

Josie’s mind spun. Her throat felt suddenly dry as sandpaper. Her eyes widened and she glanced at Gracie, then over to Clint. He met her gaze for just a moment, his eyes dark and filled with misgivings. Then he looked away. He sat there, watching his daughter, as she plopped down on the tan carpet and happily opened a box filled with toy dishes and a miniature oven made especially for kids.

“Oh, I love it,” Gracie exclaimed. “Now I can bake cookies just like Josie does.”

Hugs and more exclamations followed as Gramps helped the child remove the packaging, and showed her how to work the oven. Josie didn’t hear their words. Not even when Gramps opened the new dress suit she had purchased for him. Her ears felt clogged, as if she were underwater.

Gracie handed her a gift from Clint. Floating on autopilot, Josie tore back the cheerful wrapping and gazed at the silver-framed picture of her and Gracie, taken the day they’d cut Christmas trees and built a snowman. It was such a personal reminder of a wonderful time. Josie loved it, thinking the gold watch she’d purchased for Clint paled in comparison.

She looked up, but found him occupied with his daughter. When the girl moved away, Josie stepped near and placed the blue dish safely aside on Grandma’s hutch, where it wouldn’t get broken.

“Thank you for the picture. I’ll cherish it always,” she said.

“You’re welcome. And thank you for the watch.” Clint held up his left wrist, with a half smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Did you know about this?” She indicated the blue dish.

He lowered his head and nodded. “But I didn’t know she was going to give it to you.”

Josie gazed out the window, at the darkness of the town, and the Christmas lights flickering on the house across the street. “She made it for her mom, didn’t she?”

He didn’t answer, but he didn’t have to. Josie knew it was true. Coupled with Gracie’s Santa letter, Josie understood the significance of the gift. Its meaning seeped deep into her soul. Out of all the women in the world, Gracie had chosen her.

“I wish I could be her mom.” Josie spoke low, so Gracie and Gramps wouldn’t overhear.

Clint stood abruptly, as though he didn’t want to hear her words. He paused, looking across the room for several heart-pounding moments. Josie waited, a hard lump forming in her throat.

“It wouldn’t work. I...I just can’t.” His eyes looked flat and guarded.

“Why not?” She hoped and prayed he wouldn’t reject her, as everyone else had done. If only he could let go of his painful past. If only he’d let her in.

He met her eyes. “You’ve been engaged twice already. What would be different this time?”

She gave a rasping laugh. “I think you’ve misunderstood something, Clint. Yes, I’ve been engaged twice, but I never broke it off. They did.”

“They did?” His expression clouded with disbelief.

“Yes. I was willing to get married. I know my faith hasn’t always been strong, but I do have values. My first fiancé never really wanted to marry me. We were engaged three weeks. He just thought I’d move in with him once he proposed. But he was wrong. I want commitment from the man I love. I’ve already told you my second fiancé didn’t want children. When he found out I did, he ended it, not me.”

“And why do you think being with me would be any different?” Clint asked.

“For one thing, you’re not a jerk.”

He gave a harsh laugh. “I’m not so sure about that. I don’t think I can give you what you’re looking for. What you really deserve.”

“What do you mean?”

“I may not be able to offer you the commitment you seek. I have to put Gracie first. I can’t do anything that might jeopardize her happiness.”

“And you don’t think I’d make the both of you happy?”

“It’s not that. I...I just can’t afford the risk. She’s already lost one mother. I can’t take the chance that she might lose another one.”