The Fragrance of Her Name (44 page)

“
A year ago, I was killing other men, Lauryn,” he told her. “Carrying a gun and killing other human beings. Do you understand what that does to a man? I was protecting my country, watching my friends die horrible deaths. I was walking around in death and mud so thick that sometimes I wondered if I wouldn’t just drown in it. And it’s what I should’ve been doing. It
was
a righteous endeavor. Then I was wounded. Blinded. Stricken helpless. It gave me a lot of time to think on all of this mess.” He motioned to the Captain’s belongings lying around their feet. “Too much time. Then I met you, your family, I came home, talked with Laura, healed, had my family around me. All the while sitting around. It gives a man rise to appreciating what he has… well he should. It gives him over to wanting to make something of himself, wanting to live the good life in this good country that he fought to save.”

“
And ghosts and love letters and…and,” Lauryn dropped her eyes, overwhelmed for a moment. Overwhelmed that she even dreamed of being able to fulfill his needs somehow. A man like this, so strong, so haunted, so wounded and yet so ambitious. “…And other things seem rather trivial after what you’ve been through,” Lauryn offered.

“
No!” he exclaimed, glaring at her. “That’s just it. Family, friends, work…that’s exactly what I fought for.” Angrily, he tossed the letters and ledger into a heap at his feet. “But this, this….it has taken us so long to get anywhere! Don’t you understand?” he asked, taking her shoulders in his hands and searching her eyes with his. “I need to work out in the sun, feel the sweat dripping down my face. I need to take my wife to bed and…” It was Lauryn’s astonished gasp that interrupted him. Her eyes wide with surprise at the forthrightness of his speech. But he paused only for a moment. “What? Do you want me to act like I don’t think about all this, Lauryn? Do you think that I don’t want babies to bounce on my knee and a wife to…”

Again, Lauryn gasped and clamped her hand over his mouth quickly. “Don’t say it,” she whispered.

“
Don’t say what?” he growled, once he’d pushed her hand from his mouth. “Do you think it’s never been said? How do you think you got here? How do you think I got here? Don’t you think your perfect Captain and the lovely Lauralynn…” Again, Lauryn placed her hand over his mouth. And again he pushed her hand away. “And how do you suppose, sugar…that I’ll ever get a wife, have babies, work my own land if I can’t get this mess all straightened out and behind me? How would any woman understand my relationship with the beautiful ghost that visits me at night? I’m not sure that you even understand it! Hm? Answer me that.” He shook his head. “I can see it now…there we are, lying in our honeymoon bed and in walks my beloved Laura.
‘Oh, hello, Laura,’
I say. ‘
Honey this is Laura…my ghost. I couldn’t help her out so she’ll be watching us every moment until…’
”

“
You and I both know that Laura would never intrude that way,” Lauryn scolded.

“
You’re right. You’re right,” he admitted angrily. “But she’d be in my mind. And it’s almost the same thing.”

“
You’re bein’ selfish,” Lauryn accused. “All you’re thinkin’ about is yourself and …”

“
Hell, yes I’m selfish!” he shouted, taking her chin in his hand and forcing her to look up at them.

“
Quit swearin’,” she told him.

“
Quit pretending like it bothers you,” he growled. “And quit pretending like you’re not selfish, too. You want to be in my arms as much as I want you there.”

Lauryn was angry herself, now…for being so blinded by her own misery that she’d neglected the knowledge of his. She stooped and picked up the letters and ledger that Brant had angrily discarded.

“
I’ll go back to Connemara,” she told him. “I’ll read through all the letters, alone. You’re right…you do need a rest from it all,” she encouraged him, looking up to find him sighing in defeat. “I’ll find Laura for you, Brant.” She reached up and touched his cheek with her hand, smiling before turning and leaving the attic.

She loved him! Loved him desperately! And she desperately wanted to be the wife he’d spoken of wanting. And if it took returning to Connemara alone, searching for Laura’s body until she was nearly dead…she would do it! To save Brant’s sanity and to have him for her own…she would do it.

“
Don’t say a word, Laura,” Brant growled as Laura glided toward him, arms folded disapprovingly across her chest. “Don’t say a word.”

“
I don’t have to,”
came the softest of Laura’s fragrant whispers.

“
You don’t understand!” he began to argue immediately, collapsing onto the pile of dusty quilts. “She lights this fire in me! I can’t get her out of my mind! I can’t concentrate on anything else.” Looking to his spiritual companion he added, “I can’t find
you
for thinking about
her
.”

“
And that’s wrong?”
Laura asked.

“
Do you really think I’d be able to be happy knowing you were still miserable?” he asked. “Honestly, Laura? Do you?”

Lauralynn Masterson shook her head compassionately and caressed Brant’s cheek with her familiar and loving tenderness.

“
No,”
she admitted.
“And I don’t think you would be happy findin’ me and losin’ her either, darlin’.”
She smiled.
“In fact, I think you’d be happier leavin’ me and keepin’ her.”

Brant chuckled slightly. “I won’t leave you.”

“
Because you want her
,” Laura finished for him.

“
Exactly.”

Laura sat down on the quilts next to Brant.
“Has it ever occurred to you, Brant…”
she began. The strain at trying to hear her voice was almost painful to Brant. Yet he listened, intently. She was wise. He’d learned that long ago. It was wisdom to listen to her.
“Has it ever occurred to you that, this ‘mess’ as you put it…is as much about your destiny as it is mine?”

Brant bit his lip in frustration and nodded. “Yes. But I try not to think about it.”

“
Why ever not, silly boy?”
Laura asked.

“
First I’ll find you,” he told her. “Then I’ll find me.”

“
It’s not meant to be that way, Brant. Findin’ me…is findin’ you.”

“
Sometimes you talk in riddles. Do you know that?” He shook his head, angry with himself for losing his temper and letting it go at Lauryn.

“
Yes,”
Laura giggled.
“I do know it.”

“
And where is that teacup you use to carry around?” Brant asked.

Laura began to fade.
“I don’t know where the cup went. One day…it just wasn’t with me anymore.”

“
But what…why did you have it?” Brant asked.

Laura shrugged, becoming even more transparent.
“I don’t remember. But it comforted me…until you were old enough to.”
And she was gone.



“
I’m sorry, Lauryn.” Lauryn startled at the sound of his voice, but kept her posture, gazing out the window of her room. “Look, I can be a real stinker sometimes. I need to have these…these…” he stammered.

“
Temper tantrums,” Lauryn finished for him.

“
Yes,” he admitted. “And…and I need to keep my hands off you, Lauryn.”

Lauryn turned around. “By all means, Mr. Masterson,” she agreed. “I never asked you to put them on me in the first place. Now did I?” She quirked one eyebrow adding, “Never asked you to keep them off me either, for that matter.”

He smiled, his mood completely lightened. “You do understand, Lauryn,” he began. “Don’t you? I’m responsible for her. She’s completely dependant on me. That kind of dependency is destructive to other things in my life.”

“
I do know,” Lauryn reminded him.

“
I know you know,” he sighed. “I’m sorry, Lauryn,” he said quietly gathering her into a strong embrace. “I’m sorry that you always have to deal with my tantrums when I get frustrated.” He smiled adoringly down at her. “We will do this together. It’ll never get solved otherwise. We’ll do a lot of things together,” he mumbled insinuatively.

Lauryn recognized the roguish spark in his eye, the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth. It was in his mind to kiss her. But he was determined to focus on finding Laura before finding life. Still, she couldn’t resist teasing him…tempting him…just a bit.

“
We’re friends. Remember? And you’re responsible for what you do. Remember? And what you don’t do. We don’t want you to be too distracted now, do we?”

He smiled at her. “I remember,” he admitted. “I’m responsible for letting myself be distracted. But…if you endeavor to distract me…I’m not responsible for what you do. Isn’t that right?” Lauryn shook her head and smiled. What a witty, flirtatious devil he was.

“
I am responsible for what I do. You’re right,” she told him. His expression softened even more as he understood her.

“
I guess…I guess I’m just a little too imperfect to be perfect, aren’t I?” he chuckled. Lauryn smiled, delighted at his implication that he was trying to live up to her dreamy ideal. Which, of course, he embodied. He continued, “I’m going out to the orchards to help Dad and Parker for awhile. How about you read through some of these letters and…and we’ll talk about it later.”

Lauryn nodded. She understood his need to work…to be distracted by something other than herself. “All right,” she agreed.

“
And you better telephone home. Let your mother know…you’re safe…if not the warmest you’ve ever been,” he added as he turned to leave.

“
I do understand you, Brant,” she called after him. He paused and looked back at her.

“
I know you understand my loyalty to Laura…my need to finish it,” he told her. “But I think, sugar…that you don’t understand, even a little, what I’m thinking where you’re concerned.” With a wink, he closed the door behind him as he left.

Lauryn felt the familiar leap in her bosom. Brant was dangerously attractive. Powerful in that he could completely destroy her life, her ability to be happy or build her life and continue to be her happiness. Yet, she knew he was right…that she didn’t understand everything he was thinking. But was it all good or bad? She had no way of knowing. And who could she talk to? Who knew him well enough to explain it to her?

“
Lauralynn?” she called quietly. “Are you nearby? I certainly could use your insight where a certain man is concerned.”

Like a refreshing spring breeze, fragrance filled the room as Lauryn called once more, “Laura?” And in the next moment, she was there, standing before Lauryn and smiling with compassion and understanding.

“
Lauryn,”
she whispered. And Lauryn gasped, for she’d heard Laura’s voice! She was nearly overwhelmed with the scent of wisteria. It was so strong that it was almost unpleasant.
“Lauryn,”
the ghost figure repeated and motioned to the window where Lauryn had stood only minutes before. Looking out that same window now, Lauryn saw Brant striding determinedly toward the orchards.

“
Tell me, Lauralynn,” Lauryn whispered. “Tell me…what does he mean by all this? I can’t…I can’t bare to not have him any longer. And yet…when he’s here and I know that I can’t…I feel like I might die and…”

Lauryn was silent as Laura pressed the palm of her left had to Lauryn’s right hand and laced their fingers.

“
Close your eyes.”
It was the tiniest, almost indiscernible whisper that Lauryn heard. She wasn’t even certain she did hear it. For it was almost as if it was simply her own mind thinking it. Yet it was a woman’s voice and she knew it was Laura’s.
“Close your eyes and I’ll show you somethin’.”
And so she did. Lauryn closed her eyes and, suddenly, it was as if she were dreaming while she was still conscious.

It was a memory she was seeing. It was she and Brant on the millpond island. She could feel his arms around her, feel the power of his kiss, feel the passion between them. Then it was as if she watching a picture show, only with color. It was the Captain, and Lauralynn, enfolded in each other’s arms near the gazebo at Connemara. And, although she didn’t feel the passion in her own body as she had with the vision of her and Brant, she could see it. She knew it existed by the way they kissed, the way they held each other. Another moment came to her mind, she and Brant on the train to Vermont…the way his eyes burned as he gazed into her eyes, the way his mouth seized hers so wantonly. Again, the Captain then, lifting Laura’s veil at their own wedding and kissing her tenderly before all the world. It was the Captain, lifting his bride, still wearing her wedding gown and carrying her over the threshold of one of the bedrooms at Connemara. Gently, he let her feet fall to the floor. He removed her veil and kissed her sweetly at first. But as the moments wore on Brand kissed Laura more demandingly, passion exploding between them as they embraced.

“
He is only bein’ careful with you,”
came Laura’s voice as she spoke to Lauryn’s mind…Lauryn’s mind that now held visions of her moments with Brant in the orchard. Both moments of passion and of heartache.
“Protectin’ you like a tiny treasure. He’s a strong man, full of ambition, guilt, hurt, love, desire. Trust him, Lauryn. For he only endeavors to bridle the love and desire until it is proper not to.”