The Fran Lebowitz Reader (18 page)
Read The Fran Lebowitz Reader Online
Authors: Fran Lebowitz
The second thing that distinguishes you, sets you apart from the crowd, is that everybody in the entire world likes his eggs done a different and special way. When it comes to eggs, everyone has his own subtle preference, his own individual taste. So the next time that someone asks you how you like your eggs, speak right up. After all, you only go around once.
It is at this juncture that many of you may now be thinking that the state of affairs thus far described is a sorry one indeed. Wouldn’t things be a whole lot better, you may be asking, if, say, egg preferences were uniform but conversation somewhat more varied? Yes, things certainly would be
a whole lot better, and yet, although there is a solution to this problem, it is one that could only be brought about by the greatest mutual effort. The solution is this: I will supply a short course in conversational uplift if you will all decide on one universal way you like your eggs. I realize, of course, that it will be difficult for such a diverse and colorful group of foot sizes to come to such an agreement, but if you promise to at least try, I too will do my best.
Before we tackle the larger and more comprehensive issues of conversation, I feel that a few words on the subject of trying too hard might well be in order.
Trying Too Hard
The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.
The Larger and More Comprehensive Issues
Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
Polite conversation is rarely either.
Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds.
Never name-drop at the dinner table. The only thing worse than a fly in one’s soup is a celebrity.
The only appropriate reply to the question “Can I be frank?” is “Yes, if I can be Barbara.”
Telling someone he looks healthy isn’t a compliment—it’s a second opinion.
Looking genuinely attentive is like sawing a girl in half and then putting her back together. It is seldom achieved without the use of mirrors.
The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
a Millionaire:
A Guide for the
Misfortune Hunter
T
he recent marriage of a well-known Greek shipping heiress and an unemployed Russian Communist has given rise to the speculation that we may, in fact, be witnessing an incipient trend. It is not unlikely that working your way down may shortly become the romantic vogue among the truly rich—with interest ranging from the merely less fortunate to the genuinely poor. Should this become the case, our more affluent brethren will undoubtedly be in need of some practical advice and careful guidance. Thus I offer the following course of instruction:
I. WHERE POORER PEOPLE CONGREGATE
Meeting the poorer person is a problem in itself, for the more conventional avenues of acquaintance are closed to you. The poorer person did not prep with your brother, form a racehorse syndicate with your broker or lose to you gracefully in Deauville. He does not share your aesthetic interest in pre-Columbian jewelry, your childhood passion for teasing the cook or your knowledge of land values in Gstaad. Therefore, it is not probable that the poorer person is someone whom you are just going to run into by chance. He must be actively sought. In seeking the poorer person, one must be ever mindful of both his habits and his daily routine:
a. The very backbone of the mass-transit system
is
the poorer person, who when he must go somewhere will usually avail himself of the vivid camaraderie to be found on buses and subways. Should you choose this method, take special care that you do not give yourself away by an awkward and superfluous attempt to hail the E train or by referring to the bus driver as “the captain.”
b. The poorer person performs most personal services for himself. Thus he can commonly be found in the acts of purchasing food, laundering clothing, shopping for hardware, picking up prescriptions and returning empty bottles. These tasks can be accomplished at locations throughout the city and are all open to the public, which can, if you like, include yourself.
c.
Generally speaking, the poorer person summers where he winters.
d. Unless he’s an extremely poorer person (i.e., a welfare recipient) he will spend a substantial portion of each day or night at work. Work may occur in any number of places: stores, offices, restaurants, houses, airports or the front seats of taxicabs. With the possible exception of the last, you yourself have easy and frequent access to all such locales—a circumstance that can often be used to advantage, as it affords you the opportunity of making that crucial first gesture.
II. BREAKING THE ICE WITH POORER PEOPLE
In approaching the poorer person, one can employ, of course, the same tactics that one might use in approaching someone on more equal footing with oneself. Charm, wit, tact, direct eye contact, simple human warmth, the feigning of interest in his deeper feelings—all of these may be beneficial in establishing rapport. Such strategies are, however, not without risk, for they are every one open to misinterpretation and most certainly cannot be counted upon for immediate results. Poorer people, being, alas, not only poorer but also people, are quirky; they too have their little moods, their sore spots, their prickly defenses. Therefore their responses to any of the above might well be erratic and not quite all that one has hoped. Do not lose heart, though, for it is here that your own position as a richer person can best be exploited and can, in fact, assure you of almost instantaneous success in getting to know the poorer person more intimately.
Buy the poorer person an expensive present: a car; a house; a color television set; a dining-room table. Something nice. The poorer person, without exception, loves all these things. Buy him one of them and he will definitely like you enough to at least chat.