The Fran Lebowitz Reader (20 page)

A child who is not rigorously instructed in the matter of table manners is a child whose future is being dealt with cavalierly. A person who makes an admiral’s hat out of a linen napkin is not going to be in wild social demand.

The term “child actor” is redundant. He should not be further incited.

Do not have your child’s hair cut by a real hairdresser in a real hairdressing salon. He is, at this point, far too short to be exposed to contempt.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the
alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens.

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.

Make every effort to avoid ostentatiously Biblical names. Nothing will show your hand more.

Do not send your child to the sort of progressive school that permits writing on the walls unless you want him to grow up to be TAKI 183.

If you must give your child lessons, send him to driving school. He is far more likely to end up owning a Datsun than he is a Stradivarius.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Never allow your child to call you by your first name. He hasn’t known you long enough.

Do not encourage your child to express himself artistically unless you are George Balanchine’s mother.

Do not elicit your child’s political opinions. He doesn’t know any more than you do.