The Fran Lebowitz Reader (26 page)

5.
GROUP OF SMALL BOXES
MID-NINETEEN-SEVENTY-EIGHT

The first a red, white and blue cardboard Ambassador toothpick box containing many of the original 250 round toothpicks; two cardboard Gem paper-clip boxes in outstanding shades of green; and a four-color (one an important translucent flesh tone) metal box stating contents of three sizes of Johnson & Johnson Band-Aid brand plastic strips. Interesting packaging error (lacking juniors).
4 pieces.

Lengths: 2 3/4 to 3 1/4 inches
(7 to 8.2 cm)

6.
THREE ELECTRICAL ALARM CLOCKS, ONE OF WHICH WORKS LATISH-TWENTIETH-CENTURY

The first two by Westclox (La Salle, III.), both lacking “crystals” but of interesting design: one almost starkly unadorned, the other featuring horizontally striped border in tones of tangerine and black. The third a functional timepiece with numerals depicted in a pseudo-iridescent green that very nearly approach trompe l’oeil in that they give every impression of being visible in the dark; amusingly brand-named Lux. 3
pieces.

Lengths: 3 3/4 to 4 1/4 inches
(9.5
to 11 cm)

See illustration.

7.
TYPEWRITER
TWENTIETH-CENTURY

Remington Rand, gray metal, eleven stuck keys, unwound ribbon; the whole, a mess.

Length 11 inches (28 cm)

See illustration.

8.
ANOTHER TYPEWRITER
TWENTIETH-CENTURY

On loan from generally anonymous art director, lettera DL, two-toned gray metal; neither lot number 7 nor lot number 8 ever used by present owner.

Length 10 inches (25.4 cm)

9.
COLLECTION OF FIVE EGGS NOT QUITE AS LATE-TWENTIETH-CENTURY AS ONE WOULD HAVE HOPED

Representing eggs in two modes, hard-boiled and raw: three of former, two of latter. Together with medium-blue cardboard egg carton and enamel saucepan similarly colored. 5
pieces
(at the moment).

10.
PAIR OF INDUSTRIAL QUALITY EARPLUGS EARLY-MORNING

Pair of vivid-yellow foam earplugs, to no avail.
2 pieces.

Lengths 1 inch (2.54 cm)

11.
TWO TAN OBJECTS
TWENTIETH-CENTURY

One a pepper mill and the other a salad bowl. Both somewhat the worse for wear.
2 pieces

Height: 3 3/8 inches (8.16 cm)
Diameter: 6 inches (15 cm)

See illustration.

Drawings and Sculpture

12.
ANONYMOUS
BODY OF ALLIGATOR ON
ASHTRAY BASE

Unsigned.
Ceramic, brown, yellow, blue and white.
Inscribed FLORIDA.

Height: 21 1/2 inches (54.5 cm)

See illustration.

13.
FRAN LEBOWITZ
A NUMBER OF DOODLES

Signed and dated ’78.
Ballpoint pen under pressure.

5 # 3 inches
(12.7 # 7.6 cm)

14.
FRIEND’S CHILD
“GOOD MORNING, MOM!”

Illegibly signed.
Crayon on coloring book.

11 # 7 3/4 inches
(28 # 20 cm)

See illustration.

15.
EDITOR
DON’T WRITE TILL YOU GET WORK

Unsigned and rather dated.
Colored pencil on purloined office stationery.

8 1/2
x 5
1/2 inches
(21.
5 x
14 cm)

See illustration.

16.
RUGS
TWO RECENTLY LAUNDERED
COTTON TERRY BATHMATS
LATE NINETEEN-SIXTIES

The first rather mauve in color, the second an unusually common shade of blue; both nice.
2 pieces.

Approx. 3 feet (.9 m)
x
1 foot 8 inches (50.8 cm)

See illustration.

A
furnished apartment? No, I don’t think so. I’m really not interested in a furnished apartment. No, really. Not at all. Not a furnished apartment. High tech? Yes, I know about high tech. Yes, I do. Really, I do. I know all about high tech.

I know about Sloan-Kettering too, but that doesn’t mean that I feel like going up there and taking a look around.

No. Absolutely. No. Which building? Really? Oh, I love that building. That’s a terrific building. I didn’t know that you handled that building. You have an exclusive? Well. Aren’t there any unfurnished apartments in that building? Oh. Yes, of course, the market. I know. I see. Yes, that’s true, something else might come up there. Well, all right,
but I’m really not interested in a furnished apartment. Not at all.

I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m going up there. A furnished apartment. I don’t want a furnished apartment. A furnished apartment is out of the question. I hate furnished apartments. Although I can’t imagine describing anything even remotely related to high tech as furnished. Equipped would be a better word, or maybe engineered. Every time I see one of those places I’m tempted to ask how many miles it gets to the gallon. Or where the boiler room is. Or the intensive care unit. The last time I was in a place like that I spent the better part of an hour skulking around looking for a brass plate inscribed with the name of the donor. High tech. I can’t believe it.

Oh, hello. Yes, nice to see you again too. Sure, let’s go right up.

Well, well, isn’t this something. Oh, listen, I’m sorry but I don’t seem to have a token with me. Do you think I could possibly borrow one from you? What? No turnstile? Yes, just an oversight, I’m sure. Some people just have no eye for detail. Then again, he may merely have been exercising his artistic restraint. He probably thought that the urinals in the living room were enough. A nice touch. Functional too, particularly for someone of his tastes—I mean taste. Well, now there’s something I never would have thought of—a neon basketball hoop for a night light—it absolutely never would have occurred to me. It’s quite an idea, though. Very thought-provoking. Visual humor. I’ve always loved visual humor. I wonder if I know anyone who knows Julius Erving? Probably not. Too bad, he might be interested in this. You know what they say about turnabout being fair play. Maybe at the next
Philadelphia game he could shoot the ball into a night light. He’d probably get a kick out of that. I know I certainly would.

Hmmmm, lookee there, will you. I mean, take a gander at that. A genuine scrub sink with built-in instrument trays.

No, no, I didn’t notice that.

A knee-controlled faucet too. Isn’t that handy. Must be just the thing for washing your hands when they’re full. Yes, it certainly does go beautifully with the chrome-plated hand rails and hospital bathtub. All in all, I guess you’d have to say that this is the bathroom that has everything. If you can’t get it here, you can’t get it period. Scrub up, towel off and just enough time for a little brain scan before bed. Nothing elaborate, just something to put your mind at ease and help you sleep.