The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (40 page)

I know what he means about going off the beaten track to find new things. I had a problem with Route 66 ’cos the journey is already set out for you. I had a good time looking for gold with
Joe. It’s like nature’s Lottery ticket – each time I scooped the ground there was a chance of hitting the jackpot. Too bad I never found any. Suzanne’s gift clearly
wasn’t meant to be.

Next day I heard from Stephen.

Because America is so big, certain areas get left alone. That’s my theory, anyway. I’d been with Joe who lived life like an old cowboy and was free to roam and set off dynamite in
the mountains of Arizona, and now I was about to meet some people who live in an area where everyone pretends it’s the nineteenth century.

I walked up to the family’s house. It was a nice wooden-built detached house with farming tools scattered about outside. I knocked on the door. (They didn’t have a bell but, then
again, I haven’t either. A bell is a bit of an unnecessary invention, to be honest, so maybe that had nothing to do with them being Amish.) I guessed that by choosing to live like it’s
the nineteenth century there are probably a lot of gadgets like doorbells that the Amish don’t bother with – stuff that clutters up my life back home. Do they have tellies? I guessed
not. Imagine if somebody played them a clip from
Antiques Roadshow
– it would be like
Tomorrow’s World
to them.

A friendly-looking man with the standard Amish beard (no moustache) answered the door. He introduced himself as Kenny and then introduced me to his wife Polly, who was wearing a bonnet, and
their kids Joseph, Joanne, Loretta, Rosanna and Mini Marie, then his dad Laverne. I was hoping to go inside, as it was a really hot day, but Kenny said he was going to get me to do some work out in
his garden. I asked if they had any suntan lotion. Kenny looked at me a little puzzled. They didn’t have any. There was a bit of talk between Kenny, Polly and his dad about maybe getting me
some lavender or vinegar, and then they offered a hat, which I said would be fine. I’m not sure if not having suntan lotion was to do with them being Amish or they just think it’s too
expensive. Suzanne’s mam never brings any with her on the holidays we’ve been on together ’cos she says it’s too expensive, and she ends up nicking it off us instead.

I didn’t want to ask why they didn’t have suntan lotion, as I’d only just arrived and didn’t want to seem rude (plus I live in the twenty-first century and, thanks to
Suzanne’s mam, I didn’t have any either). Maybe they were just out of it. As for the offer of vinegar, I was pretty suspicious of that. It doesn’t sound healthy, does it? I ended
up searching on the internet when I got back home why vinegar was mentioned, and apparently you can use it to calm down burns from the sun if you tap it on to your skin. It’s amazing how many
uses vinegar has. It can remove stains from clothing, get rid of smears on glass, get ink off painted walls, and you can even rub it in your cat to get rid of fleas. There’s a different use
for every day of the year, plus it’s good on chips. Vinegar is one of the greatest inventions of all time.

Kenny took me over to his goats where I would have a go at milking. Virtually everything they eat they produce themselves. I went there thinking that I would be explaining how I live in the
future compared to them, and yet it hit me that I’d never actually had goats’ milk. Kenny and Laverne were surprised and said it’s a lot better for you than cows’ milk.
Again, they’re meant to be living in the past and yet they know more than I do. It wasn’t doing much for my confidence.

The young girl taught me how to get milk from the goat, but I wasn’t too good at it. I was worried I’d squeeze too hard and hurt the goat, so I let the girl get on with it. The kids
were helping out quite a lot, but they seemed happy enough. They didn’t go to school. Polly taught them from home. I’m guessing history lessons, for starters, would be easier because
when you’re living like it’s the nineteenth century there’s less to learn.

Kenny then showed me the tomatoes he was growing, the chickens that laid his eggs and where he produced cheese. I wasn’t sure what all the fuss is about Amish life. To me, Kenny and his
family just seemed like a decent farming family.

If I had more time I would live like the Amish. It would be good to grow your own food, but I haven’t got any land. We’re told we have to eat five fruits a day, but, short of joining
a waiting list to get an allotment, I have no choice but to buy it. I admire their sense of community, too. I don’t really know my neighbours that well. In fact, I only know their names
’cos the postman sometimes puts their post through our door. I guess it’s because I think friendly neighbours can also turn into pains in the arse. I should go out my way to get to know
everyone, though. I think this is why kids run riot. It’s ’cos these days most people don’t know who they belong to. If we did, we could go round and say, ‘Your Tommy was
smashing up a bus stop’, and their parents would deal with it. But if you go round to a stranger’s house to complain about their kids they always seem more defensive.

The only thing the Amish didn’t have, that I would miss, is the internet. I could easily do without TV. Kenny said he and his family aren’t as strict as some others in the area who
wouldn’t let me meet them, as they don’t allow TV cameras anywhere near them. I was curious about other rules they had.

While me, Kenny and Laverne were chatting, Polly was inside cooking in the kitchen. Some would say that’s a bit old-fashioned, but not here it isn’t. It’s the nineteenth
century to them, remember? It also worked that way in Joe’s house. I don’t know why people moan about women who spend time in the kitchen while men are out working. Suzanne cooks, and I
fix things. Now and again Suzanne will moan and say I should help out, but when I do she says I’m hopeless. I put a washing-powder tab in the dishwasher, and she moaned at me. It does the
same job, and if she hadn’t have noticed she wouldn’t have known.

Kenny asked me to help with the ploughing. We carried on chatting while we worked. I was curious to know what Kenny did with his spare time.