The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (44 page)

We got to the hotel where we would be staying. I was looking forward to having a nice shower as I stank of other men’s sweat. I got to the hotel reception, popped on my second pair of
slippers of the day, and the receptionist showed me to my room. But it wasn’t a room. It was a capsule. It was a capsule hotel. Small boxes lined a corridor. Three boxes high and about ten
across. It felt like a morgue. Opened at one end and contained a mattress, a TV, radio, blankets and a pillow, with just a blind between you and the corridor. Toilets and showers are shared. These
hotels are mainly used by businessmen who work late, go for a drink and, rather than making their way home, stay in a capsule in town. I climbed in and felt like a hamster in a toilet roll
tube.

I tried watching TV. I was hoping there would be a subtitles button. I’m used to having to read subtitles, as it’s what I do when I go and visit me mam and dad, as me mam never shuts
up. I don’t think subtitles were invented for the deaf. They’re for people with families who can’t stop talking. It was hot in the cubicle, as there was no air movement. I thought
I could smell everybody else sweating then realised it was the sumos’ sweat I still had lingering on me. I ended up sleeping with my head sticking out the end of the box just to get slightly
more air. I must have looked like I was some sort of magician’s assistant in the box where the magician drops a blade to the neck.

I watched as the cubicles filled up with businessmen back from a night out drinking. Even though they’d probably had a few to drink they were still very considerate. I felt two more
tremors in the night.

Next day, I spoke to Ricky who said he had organised some more exercise. It wouldn’t be as strenuous as sumo. It would be more of a wind down after yesterday’s activities. We headed
to where it was to take place. A building site. I made my way to the top floor where all the builders for the site were congregating. There must have been around 1,500 staff: builders, electricians
and plumbers. They all got into lines. I joined one. Music was then played from a speaker. It was quite a surreal sight, as they all starting bending and stretching exercises that were led by the
project manager. After the short twenty-minute work-out, a quick massage was given from the person stood behind, before the foreman gave instructions for the day’s work ahead.

They call the event rajio tais
ō
(radio calisthenics) and most companies, work places and schools practise it. I suppose it’s a good idea, it wakes everybody
up so they’re ready for the day. Mind you, the last thing we need at home are more reasons to slow down a builder’s job. They have me making enough cups of tea for them without giving
them more reasons to be ‘gasping for a brew’. You wouldn’t think doing crosswords is such thirsty work, would you? Whenever builders have called me saying they’re having a
problem, I always think they’re going to say, ‘The problem is 4 down, 6 across.’

Although I was in Japan to climb Mount Fuji I was mostly looking forward to seeing the gadgets. I’ve always associated Japan with the future. Growing up, I always watched the TV show
Tomorrow’s World
where Maggie Philbin would show the viewer the future in technology. Everything seemed to come from Japan. Jet packs, vacuum cleaners that worked by themselves and
compact discs that would replace vinyl records and were indestructible. The first bit of technology that entered our house was the TV with a remote control. It wasn’t a proper remote control,
as it was attached to the TV by a cable that wasn’t quite long enough to get to the sofa, which meant we still had to get up, but not walk quite so far. I think the moment when proper
wireless remotes were invented introduced evenings of watching nothing due to the easiness of just flicking channels all night. The first TV I remember us having only had five channel buttons. BBC
1, BBC 2, ITV and two spares for the unlikely event that two new channels were ever opened. Twenty-five years later there are over 200 channels, which means we go through batteries on the remote
like there’s no tomorrow.

I went to see the robot ASIMO (Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility), the world’s most famous humanoid robot. I’d never heard of it before this point. Metal Mickey would have been
top of my list, then R2D2 and C3PO. Short Circuit would even have come above ASIMO, but at least it was more along the lines of what I was expecting to see in Japan.

ASIMO performs to crowds in a car showroom a few times a day. I got there a bit early and killed time looking at the cars. Normally when you do this in a car show room, sales people are onto you
like flies on shit, but clearly they’re used to people just coming in to see ASIMO.

Music came out of speakers to signal the start of the show. A little cupboard opened, and out came the million-dollar ASIMO to perform his show, which included a kind of 1950s dance, balancing
on one foot, and a run from one side of the stage to the other, before he went back to his cupboard to get recharged before the next show.

I wasn’t sure what I felt at the end. I mean, it was the best robot I’d ever seen, and we’ve got nothing like it at home. The closest we’ve got is probably Henry and
Hetty, the vacuum cleaners that have faces on the front. The difference between the two being that Henry is a man vac and Hetty is the woman vac (she’s pink and has eyelashes). I asked if it
could do the robot dance, but the woman said it couldn’t. How rubbish is that? A robot that can’t do the robot dance! I suppose a robot that can run is very clever, but I don’t
want to see a robot running. I want them to come across as if they’re in control of a situation. A robot should never have to run for a bus, as everything should be programmed to perfection,
so that running about shouldn’t be needed. And, as I’ve said before, we have enough dancers in the world. We don’t need robotic ones. Years ago, I remember companies axing jobs in
car manufacturers when robots were introduced, as they worked faster and cheaper than man, but now it seems the robots don’t want manual work and have turned to the entertainment industry.
Maybe this is why they have learned to run – it’s for when they’re late for their shift in the car factory after being to an
X Factor
audition.

The reason the Japanese wants the robot to evolve is that they’re trying to get them to take care of the elderly who live alone. The aging population needs support, and they can’t
rely on humans to take care of them, so they want robots that can help around the house at a price cheaper than private care. I don’t think I like that as an idea. I think they should work on
robot arms that can be fitted to humans. The elderly wouldn’t be weak then and wouldn’t feel useless. We live in a world where we need to multi-task, so this would be ideal. In fact,
these wouldn’t just be aimed at the elderly, they would be aimed at people who are busy. No need for a hands-free phone when you have ‘Hands Four’. That’s what I’d
call it – Hands Four – with the strapline ‘Hands Four Fun, Hands Four Work, Hands Four Help’. I like coming up with ideas like this, and while I was in Japan I decided I
would try and create something useful. It must be good to come up with an idea that lives on after you’re dead, something that goes down in history. After all, you’re dead a lot longer
than you’re alive.

I called Ricky and told him about my plan to invent something while in the land of the inventor.

I went shopping to see if any gadgets for sale would give me any fresh ideas. I noticed they used bird noises instead of the bleeping noise we have at traffic lights, which is nicer on the ears,
but I couldn’t help wondering how many blind people have been run over due to a low-flying chaffinch flying by.

Before I started my hunt I used a public toilet. It was the most advanced toilet I’ve ever sat on, and definitely the one in the best condition. You’re lucky at home if there’s
a seat and toilet roll. The toilet had a selection of buttons at the side with images on them, but I didn’t understand what they meant as I’d never seen the images before. You need to
have the programming skills of Bill Gates just to empty your bowels. The thing should come with a manual. It would probably be the only manual I’ll ever read, as I like reading when on the
loo. The buttons also had Braille for the blind. I think, instead of teaching kids different languages at school, they should be taught Braille. If we’re living in a world that’s all
about saving energy Braille books would mean we could read in the dark, which would in turn save energy. I see Braille everywhere now, at lifts, on food tins and on keyboards, the only thing I
don’t understand is how the blind know that the Braille is there for them to read in the first place.

I sat down. The first thing I noticed was the seat was warm. As I mentioned earlier, I’m not a fan of the warmth from slippers that have been worn and a warm toilet seat is another thing I
don’t like, but this wasn’t caused by someone else’s arse, it had a built-in heater. We don’t need this in our house, as I’m sat on it that often it never has a chance
to go cold.

I hit the first button. A noise came from a speaker. I thought it was an untuned radio. I later found out it was meant to sound like the flushing of the toilet. It’s there to cover any
embarrassing noises you might be making. It didn’t sound like a flushing noise, it sounded more like people applauding me. The covering of embarrassing noises seems to be more of a problem
here in Japan, as a lot of the walls are wooden frames with paper as a blind. This was the case in the toilet. You’d think it would attract graffiti, but while in Japan I didn’t see
any. In toilets at home you can’t enter a cubicle without reading ‘Sharon is a slag’ or ‘Call this number for knob action’. Maybe in Japan people are so busy
programming the toilet they haven’t got time for graffiti.